Chapter 27: Hope

That night, Carbon's file had a few things on it. I wasn't surprised that he was trying to please me after everything that had happened between us and Amelie. I clearly remember him telling Amelie that he wanted to spend more time with her than with me. If that was the case, why was he wasting time at the club, where he would be with me? He knew he wouldn't find Amelie there. She didn't show up at the club, and that was a fact. Even Dorian was dealing with that reality. Carbon would have to adapt to the idea that if he wanted both of us, he needed to be aware of what he was telling us. I had noticed that I remembered more of the things that happened to Amelie, but she didn't seem to remember the things that happened to me. It was a much smaller number of memories on her part. Could there be an explanation?

That evening's menu included some wines I'd never heard of. Of course, if Carbon had pleased Amelie with his belly, he would try to do the same with me. I was better than that, and no amount of wine was going to get me interested in him, let alone his little games. "What an asshole," I said as I read the file, sitting in the chair with my gossip partners. "They wanted to know about Carbon. He's an idiot," I said, still reading. Dorian was usually in charge of the files, but we had a secretary who used to tidy everything up. I wondered what her tormented mind must have been like having to write down so many of OWE's nightly demands. Maybe I should ask her if she wants a therapy session with Dr. Hans.

"It's just wine," Cindy said as I started to get ready. Mandy was also fulfilling her role as a professional. "Possibly he's just trying to please you," she said. Of course, that could be a real possibility. Of course, for someone who didn't know him as well as I did, it wasn't just a wine.

"Cindy," I started to say. "He's trying to win us over anyway. These wines are just the first step. So far, all I can confirm about him is that he's really determined to have me and Amelie. But beyond that, everything seems to sound like a power struggle. It's as if he just wants to prove how much power he has over everything and how we should surrender to him for it," I said. Speaking out loud, my thesis sounded even more realistic.

"I think you have problems with guys trying to please you. You always seem to find an issue where there isn't one," Mandy had told me. They usually said that hairdressers and makeup artists had good advice. Sometimes I agreed, but in other situations, I just didn't see the point. "Don't you think you should relax and enjoy yourself a bit? It might be nice," she said to me. Maybe she was right, but I wasn't sure it would be good to act like that with someone like Carbon.

"The concern is that he's not just any guy. He's not an ordinary client, Mandy," I said. "He really is different from the others. In fact, I don't know if he's trustworthy, given the things I've found out about him," I said. And then I told him about all the bullying he had done to Amelie and how he really seemed to have an absurd level of control over things. "He's not just a guy," I said.

We spent the next few minutes chatting about trivial things. I had already finished reading Carbon's form. There weren't so many requirements, but there were. And he had chosen the red room. The blessed red room. I was developing a particular hatred for that room, which, if it continued, would make me want to discontinue it. The other clients, who booked with the other women, didn't seem to have that much interest in that room, but why did mine? They were just as naughty as I was.

"How are things with you two?" Cindy asked me. I was really wondering when she was going to ask about them. Cindy's interest in Dorian was so pure, it seemed cute. If he really didn't like Amelie, he could be happy with Cindy. I could imagine a reality where they were together. Honestly, a considerable part of me was hoping that she and he would work out. Not just to have my way with Axel, but for the fact that they really did match.

"I don't know if I have any good news," I said. I'd never told Cindy that she shouldn't get her hopes up. In fact, in recent times, Dorian seemed to have given up on trying things with Amelie, and so the reality of Cindy getting something with him was becoming more and more real. Although, he still refused her. If I could, I'd have a serious talk with him about him always rejecting her, but our rivalry wouldn't allow it. Even if I tried, he wouldn't tell me anything. "They're moving forward," I told her. Part of her hope depended on Amelie. We all knew that Dorian didn't make a concrete move on her because he didn't know how she would react. But now the scenario was different. Amelie was clearly interested in him and letting it show. In other words, there was nothing to stop Dorian. His path was clear. "She said she loved him," I told him. I was surprised by such a revelation. Ever since she started therapy with Dr. Hans, she has never backed out. It had been a shock for me to see her give up a session just to be with him. There was a high chance that Dorian would come to hate me even more.

Cindy's bright face disappeared. Of course, she knew that her chances were slim, but knowing that they were approaching zero was devastating. "So, I guess it's over," she had said, crestfallen. After all, Cindy wasn't the kind of woman who would lower herself for a man. In fact, she would spend some time being sad about what had happened, and then she would get over it, victorious.

"Maybe not, Cindy," Mandy had said. "EVE could still take Amelie and move on with Axel. If that happens, your path will be clear again," she had said. In a way, even though it was a horrible line, she was right. There was that possibility, although it didn't mean that Dorian would stay with Cindy.

"Mandy, don't say things like that," Cindy had said. Despite her words, you could see that the light on her face seemed to shine again. "You can't wish someone dead—I mean, gone," she had said, trying to behave and be a decent human being. We were professional gossip, she didn't need to pretend to be someone she wasn't.

"But it's true, isn't it?" Mandy had said. "If that happened, the way would be clear for you. You could stay with Dorian. EVE would be happy with Axel if, of course, you finally realized that you like him enough to accept him," she had said, staring at me. Mandy was a strong supporter of Axel. Like him, she insisted that I accept his requests to date. She was probably OWeLL's biggest fan of couples.

"I don't want to make a commitment, Mandy. You know that, and so does he. Of course, I like him, but I still don't feel the slightest bit interested in giving up my current life. I like what I do. I know Axel understands all this and thinks we could cope, but it would only be a matter of time before he started to get annoyed and demand that I stop. I wouldn't stop, and consequently, I'd lose him. I prefer to live in the reality where I have him, and I won't lose him," I said as I stood up from the chair, ready.

"What if another woman comes into his life? How will you feel, knowing that you let him go? It would be your fault," Mandy had said. As I said, she was a staunch defender of couples. No one wanted Axel and me together as much as she did. Right from the start, she had already cast her vote in favor of our union.

"If that happens, he'll be free to live. I don't want him to feel tied to me, people. Honestly, I'd like to feel and want everything he wants, but I don't. I love this life, and I don't want it. I love this life, and I wouldn't leave it. If it all starts to bother him, I wouldn't mind seeing him move on," I said. It wasn't a lie at all. I wanted to spend all my time with Axel, yes, but I didn't want to have to give up my club life to do it. "Besides, you seem to forget that I don't really exist," I said. It was strange to talk like that, but it was true.

"True, Amelie does exist," Cindy reminded herself. In a way, she always remembered, that Amelie was like her unsolved problem. Part of Cindy's life was about her. "We're so used to you that for us, she doesn't really exist. I mean, we hear about her all the time, but she's someone we don't know," she had said. I'd never thought of it like that. For most people in the club, Amelie was just a story. Maybe some thought she wasn't even real. I was so caught up in my own private world that I forgot that hours before I was a completely different person, from a different reality.

"If you had the chance to be just you, EVE. Would you?" Mandy asked me seriously. I felt like she'd wanted to ask me that for years. Deep down, I knew that at some point, one of us would ask. I had already thought about the question several times. I remained silent. "Don't tell me you've never thought about it."

"It's hard to say, girls. Amelie has lived her whole life. I've been around a lot less. It would be wrong to take her life for myself when it's not my place. It's like I'm just a visitor, and I'm passing through," I explained. Occasionally, it was good to get my feelings off my chest with them. I felt Mandy was like a mother, even though we were the same age.

"You exist for a reason, EVE," she had said. "Don't think you're less deserving of life because you didn't come first. You live, EVE," she had said. "So tell me. If you had the chance to live life to the fullest without having to worry about Amelie, or Dorian, If you lived only for yourself, wouldn't you want that?" she asked. Her words sounded like knives in the stomach. I didn't want to admit it to myself, because it always sounded selfish.

"Of course, I'd like to have my own life," I said, trying to shake off any urge to cry. It wasn't the right time for that, and I wouldn't have time to touch up my makeup. "The point is that I can't. I can't take Amelie's place. That's not possible, you know," I said, being honest. If there was one thing I could say, it was that we didn't have that kind of control.

"If you could erase Amelie from existence and take her place, would you do it?" she finally asked me. From the start, I knew she wanted to ask that. I knew her. I wanted to reply that I didn't know the answer, but I did. "Would you kill her?" she asked.

"Yes," I answered.