Chapter 2

I took a deep and suppressed breath. Still hesitant to twist the main door open. Desperately wishing that my father's not inside... or just simply hope that the pain won't be severe like the last time.

Keeping myself from making loud noises, that's my goal. But after a few steps, I heard a thundering voice coming over my direction.

"Sienna Saachi Gallegos!" Papa shouted in rage.

I shut my eyes close and grasp tightly on the straps of my bag. My nervousness and fear doubled as I felt his presence getting nearer to where I'm standing.

"Pinapaaral kita Sienna para maging matalino pero bakit mas nagiging mapurol 'yang utak mo?" He furiously shouted.

Papa gripped my arm and harshly dragged me to the living room. I fell on the floor, and my back slightly hitted the wooden armchair of the sofa.

I tried my hardest not to make the groan of pain escape my mouth. Afraid it might trigger his anger more.

"Ginagawa ko naman po ang lahat ng makakaya ko, Papa. Hindi niyo lang po nakikita kasi palagi kayong abala sa trabaho o hindi naman po kaya, si Navee lang ang pinagtutuonan niyo ng pansin." I softly said and helped myself to get up.

Hindi pa ako nakakatayo ng maayos ay para ulit akong mawawalan ng balanse. Papa slapped me hard. I couldn't stop myself from shedding tears.

He's furiously mad, and eyes were like throwing daggers at me. Maybe I've pressed his button that made him explode in anger the moment I explained my side.

"Kailan ka pa natutong sumagot-sagot sa akin Sienna Saachi Gallegos? Nakuha mo ba 'yang ugaling kalye sa mga barkada mo? Such a disgrce! You're an ungrateful child. Worthless and ignorant! In case you forget, I'm the one who feeds you, clothes you, shelters you, and even sends you to a prestigious school! Aren't you ashamed of yourself that you're being called to principal's office for stealing the exam's answer keys and for whoring around?!"

Ang mga nagbabadyang luha ay tuluyan nang kumawala sa mga mata ko. Nakakahiya. Malandi. Walang kwenta. Ang sakit lang kasi hindi naman ako ganoong klaseng anak. All I did is to cry in front of my father because I don't want to defend myself, masasabihan lang akong bastos.

Sa katunayan, ito palang ang una at hindi naman ako kasali sa gulo ng mga schoolmates ko. Nagkataon lang talaga na nandoon ako habang nag-aaway sila. Umawat lang ako sa kanila at napasama sa guidance office para maging witness. I was called to the principal's office for a different matter... what Papa's accusing me is plainly absurd and fallacy.

Wala naman akong mga kaibigan dahil na rin sa kadahilanang gusto ko maging perpekto sa mga mata niya. Siya narin mismo ang naglayo sa'kin sa mga kaibigan ko at si Leigh na lang ang nag-iisang natira.

"You're doing your best in school yet you'll show me your ninety-three grade? What were you thinking, Sienna? You're running for valedictorian! Are you waiting for my slap so you'll come back to your senses?"

Mataas na ang gradong ninety-three. Pero bakit kulang parin padating kay Papa? Ninety-six naman ang average ng grado ko. Puro nga lang ako bahay—eskwela. Kulang parin?

Papa's been invalidating and humilating me... and it just hurts so much than I expected. Words that came from him really hits different than hearing it from other people.

Hindi ko alam kung saan nakuha ni Papa ang mga iyon pero mukhang pinapasama naman ata ako?

If slapping me would lessen the rage my father felt towards me, I'll let him do what he usually did. I should be used to his criticisms but I can't. I should be immuned to the pain he's inflicting me but I can't... because there's wounds after another even if the old ones weren't fully healed yet.

I'm tired...

All of my energy was drained from my body because of school works I've done and submitted today. I just want to end this already and be alone in my room. I closed my eyes, waiting for my father's hand to land on my cheek again.

"Isael! What do you think you're doing?! That's our daughter!" My Mama shrieked and rushed towards my direction for a tight and warm hug. I heard something fell on the ground earlier and I guess it's her handbag.

Mama's holding my hand and hide me behind her as she makes eye contact with Papa. Hindi ko nakita ang ekspresyon sa mukha ni Papa dahil sa takot ko na baka pati si Mam ay saktan niya.

"Pagsabihan mo 'yang anak mo Estella! Pare-pareho lang kayo!" Papa meaningfully said and stormed out of the living room.

Napahinga ako ng maluwag. Lumingon si Mama sa akin at hinawakan ang magkabila kong pisngi. I only calmed when she gently caressed my cheeks using her thumb.

"It's okay, my baby. No one will ever hurt you now that I'm here. Mama will defend you at all cost, I love you. Please stop crying," she softly hushed me then wiped my tears. Mama looked at me teary-eyed and I could see the affection in it. She hugged me again.

Mama attended me until we reached my room. She took the bag from my hold and placed it on top of my study table. The edge of my bed submerge as I settle myself to sit.

Mama came near me and gently combed my hair. It feels nice that it made me close my eyes and reminisced the seven year old me. Who's away from the excruating pain... and only experienced sunshines and rainbows. Hearing words from Mama about the beauty this world could offer especially to those good girls like me.

"Go change and rest for now. I'll call you when dinner's ready."

Tuluyan nang umalis si Mama. Napahiga ako sa kama habang ang mata ay nanatiling nakatingin sa kisame. Only the low buzzing sound from the air condition makes the noise in the whole room. I sigh deeply and drive myself to deep thoughts.

Good thing about Papa is that, he didn't limit me from spending money. Minsan na kaming nagkasalubong sa salas habang may dala akong shopping bags. Papa will just look at me and not saying a thing. Hindi niya ako pinagbabawalan sa pagpipinta. It makes me assume that he's discretely supporting my passion in arts.

Dinner came and that was one of the tensional dinner we had. No one talked. Only the little sounds of our eating utensils echoed the whole dining room.

Even Navee who's usually blabbering about her caprices is also silent. Papa's brows were furrowed while being vigilant to his surroundings until he finished eating. He's the first one to leave the dining room, call it insolent or what but I feel relieve. It's like the fear in me dissolved the moment he stood up from his seat.

Kaming apat nalang ang natira sa hapagkainan. For the last minute, I'm able to appreciate the food and enjoy the dinner.

"I heard what happened today, Nach." Ate Mavis uttered as she took a peek from my door. I just smiled and motioned her to come in.

She cleared her throat and hurriedly came inside after locking my door. Ate Mavis' still on her office attire while I'm on my pj's already.

"I'm sorry for not coming home early and for not being able to defend you from Papa," she lowly uttered and sadness dominated in her voice. Ate Mavis put the strands of my hair behind my ear. "I'll try to talk to Papa. He shouldn't do this to you, you're his flesh and blood."

"It's okay. Papa didn't hurt me," I lied.

I don't want Ate to get involved. Ayokong madamay pa siya sa gulo namin ni Papa dahil hindi ko ata kakayanin kung pati siya ay masaktan pa.

"I know you're lying. Please stop masking it anymore." May bahid ng pagmamakaawang sabi ni Ate.

I smiled and shook my head. "I really am okay, Ate. Stop worrying about me."

"I can't. You're my favorite sister and I can't bear to sit comfortably in any corner of our house knowing you're not okay."

Inayos ko ang damit ni Ate at kalaunan ay hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. "Wala akong sugat oh. I really am okay and I can take care of myself, Ate Mavis. You should go to your room, I know you're tired from work."

Kumawala ng buntong hininga si Ate at matagal na napatitig sa akin. "I'm planning to sleep in your room but I guess you want to be alone, so I'll go now. Rest after this, okay? Don't stay up all night since you still have a class tomorrow."

"Good night, Ate." Hinatid ko siya hanggang sa labas ng pintuan ko.

Lumingon siya sa akin at tipid na ngumiti. "Sleep well, Nachi."

She's the one to close the door and after that, I found myself walking towards my life-size mirror. I stared at my reflection for few moments.

"When will you stop fooling yourself?" I asked my reflection as if it would answer me. I angrily pointed myself. "You're martyr and always let yourself being inflicted of physical and emotional pain. When will you get tired in all of these?"

Hindi ko alam kung anong oras na ako nakatulog. Basta, nakagisingan ko nalang ang sobrang ingay ng alarm clock sa side table ko.

I weakly rise from my bed and walk towards the bathroom with half-close eyes. I did all my morning routines. My left cheek is swelling because of my father's slap yesterday and I need to apply some amount of concealer. I can't go downstairs with this because Mama will surely worry for me.

After I made sure that my swollen cheek isn't obvious anymore, that's when I decide to go downstairs for my breakfast.

"Anak, pagpasensiyahan mo na ang Papa mo ha? He's just frustrated about our company lately. I'm really sorry baby, please give Mama more time. Konting tiis nalang, matatapos na ang paghihirap mo." Mama promised me as she guided me to my seat.

"I understand Papa's side, Mama. And I'm really okay. Maybe my best wasn't enough for him and I need to work harder for it."

She slowly nodded and small smile crept her face. I know Mama's not buying what I've said. She's the one who knew me all too well. She saw my struggles and efforts so I could be appreciated by Papa.

Saturday came, probably no class. I'm here in the sofa with pile of books in the center table. I need to show Papa that I'm really studying hard. I want to change how he view me, and I want to show him that I'm not a worthless daughter. I won't stop until I prove something. Hanggang sa makuha ko muli ang loob niya.

"Papa!" Sigaw ni Navee mula sa pinto at humangos sa garden kung nasaan si Papa na nagkakape. "Papa, look!"

"Yes? What is it my daughter?" Papa asked with genuine smile plastered on his face.

"I've got ninety in overall average of my grade this grading period!" She said excitedly and giddily.

A ninety average? And she's really happy with that? In my case, I have a ninety six general weighted average, yet it's not enough for Papa!

Kinakabahan ako para kay Navee. Alam ko na kahit galit siya sa akin, may pakialam parin ako sa kaniya at sa maaaring maging reaksyon ni Papa.

But I felt like the world has stopped rotating as I saw Papa hugged Navee happily like he's so proud of her.

"I'm so proud of you my daughter!" Papa said.

Navee lifted her head to look at me, and I saw the smirk in her face. Like she's literally slapping me the fact that she's the favorite, while I'm the loathed one.

I got so envious towards her.

Everytime she come home from school, she hugs Papa. But when I came home from school and wanted to hug Papa, he'll show that strict and authoritative face. Why is it like this? Papa is so unfair.

I smile bitterly because of the view before my eyes. I never been embraced by my father since I turned fourteen, and I'm kinda missing the warmth I feel everytime I hug him.

I wiped the lone tear behind my eyeglasses, and plugged my airpods. Instead of dwelling from the pain, I better focused on my books to divert my feelings.

"Sienna!" Napalingon ako sa sumigaw ng pangalan ko. I saw Vien, my classmate, running towards my direction.

"Oh, anong atin Vien?" Taka kong tanong dahil hindi naman kami masyadong nag-uusap sa classroom. Napapasabay na siya ng lakad sa akin at medyo nakaramdam ako ng ilang.

"Saan ka magpapalipas ng Christmas break mo?" He suddenly asked, adding more confusion in me.

We're currently walking here in the corridor, and since we're in the same class, then most likely we'll spend minutes of walking until we reach the classroom.

"Hindi ko pa alam Vien e. Bakit mo naman naitanong?"

Nawala sa isip ko na dalawang linggo nalang ay Christmas break na namin. Masyado kasi akong abala sa pag-aaral dahil sa kagustuhan kong may ipatunayan kay Papa.

"Gusto sana kitang yayain na manood ng sine sa Christmas," nahihiya niyang sabi sabay iwas ng tingin. Napansin ko pa ang pamumula ng tainga at leeg niya.

"Huh, bakit ako Vien?" Taka kong tanong kasi biglaan at hindi ko talaga inaasahan 'to.

"Because I want to know you more?" He huskily said while looking at me with serious expression.

I was about to decline his invite but before I could do so, Vien greeted someone which happened to be my sister. "Oh, Navee!" Vien said with all smiles.

Napatingin sa akin si Navee at hindi ko nalang pinansin ang pag-irap niya. She's with her friends, and their laughs are kinda irritating. Lumapit sila sa direksiyon namin at hindi ko nagustuhan ang tungo ni Navee sa akin.

"Uh, bakit kayo magkasabay ni Ate, Vien?"

"May pinag-usapan lang kami," sagot ni Vien habang nakangiti.

They converse more, seems like Vien's enjoying while talking to Navee. As if on cue, I left without saying anything.

Pagpasok ko sa loob ng classroom, ramdam kong may nakatingin sa akin. At hindi ako nagkamali nang mag-angat ako ng tingin, nakita ko si Owen na mukhang pikon na pikon.

Pagdarag siyang umupo sa upuan niya, at napalunok ako sa kaba dahil magkatabi lang ang upuan namin na ayon sa seat plan.

Maingat kong inilagay ang bag ko bago umupo. I heard Owen scoffed but I didn't mind it. I was about to get my notebook when he spoke.

"Bakit kayo magkasama ng Vien na 'yon?" Seryoso niyang tanong at ramdam ko ang pagpipigil niya ng inis.

"Nagkataon lang, Owen." Mahina kong tugon.

"Okay," aniya ngunit alam kong hindi siya kumbinsido.

"Wala lang 'yon, Owen. We just talked, that's all. Stop being jealous, okay?"

This is what I don't like being in a relationship with Owen. He seems unconvinced with my explanation everytime we bicker about this matter, as if I'll cheat on him.

Yes, I admit, he's my secret. No one knew that we were dating except for Leigh since she's my best friend. Hindi ko naman ginusto na itago ang relasyon namin, pero ito lang ang alam kong paraan para magtagal kami. We're dating for eight months now.

I used to have exes and this is also the set up with my relationship with them. It's either we'll be in a lowkey relationship, or I'll turn them down.

"Sorry," he sincerely said. "I can't just stop myself for being jealous. You have no idea how many guys wanted to court you and I wanted to brag that you're my girlfriend but I couldn't since you wanted to keep this private."

He simply hold my hand beneath the desk. He looked at me fondly then smiled sweetly. I wanted to console with him but I couldn't manage to form a sentence since what he said was true.

I took few deep breaths before twisting the main door open. I got home late than my usual time, because our homeroom teacher just called for an emergency meeting.

"Bakit ngayon ka lang, Sienna?!" Papa's voice echoed in the whole living room.

I got nervous with Papa's strict face. My hands fidget behind. "Nagkaroon po kasi kami ng classroom meeting Papa, kaya medyo nahuli ako ng uwi at sumabay nalang po ako sa kotse nila Leigh."

Papa laughed but his eyes remained glinting with danger. "Do you think you can fool me? Or you're just making that classroom meeting an alibi for your flirting with some guys?"

"Papa, I'm saying the truth." I said, almost sounded begging.

Papa shook his head in disappointment. "Wala kang pinagkaiba Sienna! Imbis magpokus ka sa pag-aaral ay sumasama-sama ka sa mga lalaking umaaligid-aligid sa'yo."

Agad akong umalma at malamlam na tumingin kay Papa. "Nag-aaral naman po ako ng mabuti Papa. I'm also saying the truth about the classroom meeting we just had earlier. If you don't believe me, then you can contact my adviser. I spent all my time studying and studying Papa, so why are you still doubting me for flirting around? Enjoying... is also my right, right? Would it be too much if I ask to breathe, Papa? I'm fully aware that next year will be stressful for me, since we'll be having a research paper... so can I breathe? I promise to study hard even more."

Matapos kong sabihin iyon ay halos mabingi ako sa sampal na iginawad ni Papa. Tears starts forming, and I let them escape from my eyes. Napahawak ako sa pisngi kung saan ako sinampal ni Papa.

Did I say something wrong? I'm just expressing what I wanted to say. Yes, I'm happy. Really damn much happy. I was going to deliver the news to Papa that I'm one of those candidates for valedictorian in our batch! But guess what? It ended up this way.

All I wanted is to enjoy and have fun to divert my frustrations for studying hard and make Papa proud.

"The audacity! You're asking to breathe, what do you think I'm doing? Strangling you in the neck?! Are you blind or simply an ignorant? You are breathing with all the comfy home and delicious foods, nice and expensive things, and even all the riches I've worked hard for!" Papa spat and glared at me darkly. "You want to enjoy? Enjoy flirting with guys, you meant? Then what, you'll conceive due to the enjoyment you desperately wanted? Gawin mo 'yang enjoy enjoy na 'yan kapag tapos ka na, pero ngayong nasa pamamahay pa kita ay ako ang masusunod, mag-aral ka."

I harshly wiped my tears and calmed myself. I feel worthless. I've no pride left as it was trampled on a lot of time.

"Papa, magtiwala naman po kayo sa'kin. Anak niyo po ako at sana man lang magtiwala kayo sa akin... kahit konti lang. I promise I won't disappoint you, just let me prove myself Papa."

Papa didn't answer yet I saw how his jaw clenched and looked at me menacingly.

"You're going to spend you Christmas break in Rio de Janiero with your Mama. I don't want see you for a while as I feel disrespected and disappointed as how you question my way for raising you."

After Papa said that, he left me in the living room. Laglag ang balikat ko at wala sa sariling umakyat papuntang kwarto. I placed my bag on top of my study table before settling myself in the ottoman which is in front of my life-size mirror.

"Carry on, wishful thinker." I weakly whispered to myself and smiled sadly. "Trust can be earn, just work for it more a little more."

I console myself with hopeful words before forcing myself to take a bath. Napilitan akong maglagay ng concealer sa mukha dahil nagmarka ang sampal ni Papa kanina at ayokong mag-alala si Mama at Ate sa akin.

Mabilis akong umalis sa hapag matapos kumain ng hapunan. I applied cold compress for ten minutes because I presume my cheek will swell if I won't do it. I took a deep breath before starting to apply minimal amount of cream that will lessen the redness and pain.

Even though I badly wanted to study, but my body won't cooperate... and I don't understand any of the phrases I've read. It would be useless if I continue... so I decided to draw that could somehow avert the pain I feel from Papa's words.

Isang oras ang ginugol ko bago matapos ang pagguhit. It's a simple sketch, though in three-dimensional form. I focused more on the contrast and value. It's a girl, actually. She's sitting on the chair and her hands were covering her face. And there were pile of books and lots of crumbled up piece of papers on the floor.

I see myself in the drawing. Digging deeper with the message I wanted convey is that the subject of my drawing is frustrated in her life, crumpled papers signifies her mistakes, and piles of books symbolizes expectation.

Maybe a spur of moment made me draw this. Honestly, I was never fond of drawing before until one day, I found myself falling into it.

Isinara ko ang sketch pad at itinago iyon sa drawer ng study table ko kasama ang mga letters na hindi ko kayang sabihin kahit kanino. I carefully lay on my bed but suddenly tears trickle down my face with uncertain reasons. I'm about to reach for the lamp shade to turn it off yet my eyes settle on the scars on my wrist.

I feel numb. I travelled my eyes around and I smiled bitterly knowing that these corners witnessed how I cried every night when I can't take it anymore, when I'm so tired of studying but forcing myself to study more, my pain and frustrations, my fond and passion, and the witness of my tears as Papa's words keeps on replaying at the back of my mind.

I never thought words could hurt this fatal after hearing those coming from Papa's mouth.

Days came by fast. Ni wala sa araw na iyon na hindi ako nakakatanggap ng masasakit na salita kay Papa. I've received gifts from Leigh and Owen during our Christmas party. At tama lang siguro na tinanggihan ko ang alok ni Vien noong nakaraan na mas gusto niya pa akong makilala, dahil matapos ang araw na 'yon ay palagi ko siyang nakikita kasama si Navee.

Napag-alaman ko sa kaklase ni Navee na gusto niya pala si Vien. Wala naman akong balak na agawin si Vien sa kaniya gaya ng pang-aakusa niyang inaagaw ko ang lahat na para dapat ay sa kaniya.

"Doon ka ba talaga magpapalipas ng buong Christmas break mo?" Mahinahong tanong ni Owen sa kabilang linya.

"Hindi ko pa alam, Owen. "Pagtatapat ko kasi iyon naman talaga ang totoo.

Kasalukayan akong nag-aayos ng gamit dahi bukas na ang alis namin. Our flight is bound to Kalibo and Mama said that it'll take about four hours ride via car before we reach Rio de Janiero.

"Okay... uhm just don't look at other guys there."

Natawa ako ng marahan, "Bakasyon naman ang pupuntahan ko roon."

"I'm just saying, you know guys with tan-colored skin are more attractive according to some girls."

"Ewan ko sa'yo, Owen. Hindi ko alam kung nagbubuhat ka lang ng sariling bangko o ano," mahina kong sabi at nang matapos ko ang pag-impake ng gamit ay ibinaba ko narin ang tawag.

The flight was approximately forty-five minutes. Medyo natagalan lang kami sa paghahanap ng SUV namin kung saan nakapark dahil kararating lang ng driver namin sa parking area mula sa paggamit ng palikuran.

"Nachi baby, pwede ka munang matulog dahil matagal pa ang byahe. Gigisingin nalang kita kapag malapit na tayo sa Rio de Janiero," malambing na sa sabi ni Mama.

Kapapasok lang namin ulit ng SUV dahil dumaan muna kami sa isang restaurant dito sa Kalibo para kumain. Marahan akong tumango kay Mama at sumandal sa bintana.

I kinda feel bother because Papa didn't bid nor kissed Mama good bye earlier. I feel like they're suddenly cold to each other, and I have a bad feeling about it.

Nagising ako sa mahinang pagyugyog sa akin ni Mama. The moment I opened my eyes, her smile welcomed me. "Welcome to Rio de Janiero baby."

I smiled back at her and opened the backseat's door. I stepped out and the howling winds embraced me like I was being welcomed. The surrounding was calm and serene. The cold yet fresh air made me smile, I guess I'll enjoy my short staycation.

Basically we reached Rio de Janiero at 11 in the evening. Mga street lights lang ang nakikita ko. It was a perfect choice to only wear a white polo and black jeans.

Tumulong ako sa pagkuha ng mga gamit sa likod ng SUV bago tuluyang pumasok sa bahay. My eyes immediately travel around and over all, I'm impress as it is beautifully well-preserved.

The antiques are glistening as it's well-taken care. Our house was a combination of white and brown color variations with a touch of gold and black color. The tiled floor is wax-finished.

We were welcomed by our two housemaids with a smile. They prepared us food and Mama invited them as well as our driver to eat with us.

It was around twelve fifteen in the morning when I headed to my room where I will stay. It's already clean. The bed sheet, comforter, and pillows are new and I could smell mint extract.

Siguro sa sobrang pagod ay agad akong nakatulog pagkahiga palang sa kama. Finally, I could get the peace I wanted, and I could get away from Papa's expectation and hurtful words even just for a while... of course, I'll make the most of it.