Chapter 10

After having my time alone in the rooftop, I decided to return to where they are. I found Papa and Ate Mavis talking to the doctor. Exhaustion was evident in Papa's eyes while hands were trembling.

Pinauwi kami ni Navee dahil sila nalang ang bahalang mag-asikaso ng lahat. Hanggang sa makasakay kami ng sasakyan ay wala kaming kibuan ni Navee. Napasulyap ako sa kaniya, nasa labas ang tingin niya at namumula parin ang mata gaya ng sa akin.

I immediately head to my room and mourn for my mother. Tatlong araw ang lumipas mula ng namatay si Mama. Nagkulong ako sa kwarto at magdamag na umiiyak. Sinadya kong gawing madilim ang buong kwarto. Hindi ko nagawang kumain ng maayos. My meal was being delivered in my room but I don't have the appetite.

To be honest, this is the worst darkest day of life. Sometimes, in some instances, the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.

Sa tatlo kaming magkakapatid, ako ang pinakamalapit kay Mama kaya ako ang labis na naapektuhan sa pagkamatay niya. It pained me big time. The memories I made with Mama will forever engraved in my mind, yet her hugs and kisses... I'm longing for it so much.

May mga pagkakataon sa loob ng tatlong araw na iyon, wala akong ginawa kung hindi ang iguhit si Mama sa iba't ibang angulo.

Hindi ko lang talaga matanggap. We're so happy earlier that day!

Napaangat ako ng tingin nang marinig kong bumukas ang pintuan ng kwarto ko. Pumasok si Leigh na mugto ang mata. She immediately hug me but I don't have the energy to hug her back.

Nang kumalas siya ay hinalos niya ang pisngi ko. Tears slowly escaping from her eyes while looking at me, but she wiped it away. She sat on the edge of my bed and stayed silent. Siguro sa isang oras na walang imikan ay hindi na niya natiis na hindi ako kausapin.

"You're not in your usual self..." She started.

I lifted my head, and smiled at her bitterly. "And I don't think I can go back to my usual self, Leigh."

"I'm sorry for you loss, Nach." I can feel the sincerity in her voice and she then hold my hand. "Though you can, Nach. You can go back to your usual self if you wanted to, it's a choice to make."

I shook my head repeatedly and tears began to escape. The pain I'm feeling right now is inconsolable. "How, Leigh Wynea? Why would I go back to my usual self? I don't have the right to be happy after knowing the fact that my mother died because of me! Even if they don't say a thing, I know that they're blaming me for what happened."

"No, please, Nach. Don't blame yourself. It was an accident, no one wanted it to happen, so please, have mercy on yourself." Leigh pleaded and I heard her sobs. "Don't allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not. You have the right to be happy, and you're innocent!"

"What's the use of living if the person you treasure the most has permanently left this world, Leigh? I'm in pain... almost close to self-destruct. I'm tired. I'm so damn exhausted because everytime I close my eyes to sleep, a scenario of my mother went to accident, is haunting me, and when I wake up, the ambiance of the house reminds me that Mama is finally gone."

Hindi ko namalayan ang pagtulo ng luha ko kung hindi pa pinahiran ni Leigh ang mata ko. She's crying too, but she still choose to wipe my tears.

"If you're tired, you have the option to rest, Nach. If you wanted to give up, what will happen to us who's continuously fighting for you? I understand why you feel this way. We're all tormented because of Tita Estella's death, we couldn't believe as it too sudden and very shocking. But Nach, the war is not over yet."

Hindi ko nagsalita at pagod siyang tinignan. Leigh caressed my face lovingly, and a small smile crept her lips yet it didn't reach her eyes.

"Pain, it will come, it will heal, and it will leave. It's you who keeps revisiting it. Do you think Tita Estella's happy seeing you in this state? You're breaking her heart too. Your mother didn't leave you entirely even when she's gone. She stayed inside you in a different form. Tita Estella loves you so much. So please, stop wasting your life blaming yourself for the mistake you didn't commit."

Niyakap ako ng mahigpit ni Leigh at hindi ako nagreklamo nang maramdaman kong basa ang kanang balikat ng damit ko dahil sa pag-iyak niya.

The best thing about the worst time of your life is that you get to see the true color of everyone. And Leigh, I know she really care for me and I truly appreciate her for that.

"Nach, I think it's good for you to break up with Owen. I caught him red-handed, he's really cheating with Amanda."

Kumalas ako yakap at seryosong napatingin kay Leigh. "I don't have time for that. I'm still grieving for my mother's death."

She sighed. "I know that... but I just don't like the idea that he's toying you. I'm your best friend, I could be empathetic to your feelings, you know that I understand and always be there for you, right? Just don't give Owen a second chance, he's not worth it."

I only nodded. After few moments on being silent again, I asked her if she could leave me alone to give me space. She looked at me skeptically before finally nodding and walked towards the door.

The moment the door shut close, that's when I felt relieved. I closed my eyes and lazily dropped my back to bed. I was nervous earlier because she might overreact seeing the slits on my wrist. I would be lost of words and alibi if she happens to see these.

When I heard that Mama's coffin was now in the funeral home, I couldn't dare myself to visit her wake. I'm afraid that I might breakdown or simply feared that those people on the wake is blaming me in their minds.

Maybe they're right... maybe I'm at fault for Mama's death. Siguro kung hindi ako humingi ng pabor... hindi magkakaganito ang lahat.

I grunted as the direct sunlight hit my face, stirring me from sleep. Napakusot ako ng mata bago tuluyang nagmulat. Now that the sun enlighten my room, I see how messy it is.

Napabangon ako at nakita ko si Ate Mavis na prenteng nakaupo sa ottoman. She's wearing a black dress and her hair was tied. Her eyes weren't puffy anymore but loneliness was still evident.

"Nach, go take a bath. We'll go to Mama's wake whether you want it or not." Ate Mavis said in emphatically and slightly authoritative tone.

Napalunok ako at wala sa sariling napatango. Ate Mavis' seems scary at the moment. She guided me to the bathroom, and chose my outfit in my walk-in closet before leaving me alone to clean myself.

"My gosh, Nach! Look at you! You've become skinny!" Ate Mavis grimaced while looking at me as I got out of the bathroom.

Napatingin ako sa life size mirror. "Mukhang hindi naman, Ate. Maybe you're just overreacting."

Pinanlakihan niya ako ng mata at kalaunan ay napailing. Tumayo siya at naglakad papalapit sa akin. She guided me to sit in front of my vanity and gently combed my hair from behind.

"Let me cover your dark circles. I don't want you to look pitiful in the wake, of course, it's given that we're still in pain on Mama's death, but I don't want those people to pity us. I hope you know what I mean."

I only nodded since I understand where Ate Mavis' coming from. I didn't complain when she started applying make-up to my face. Ate Mavis excused herself the moment she finished doing my face because of the call she received from a certain investor.

Naiwan akong mag-isa sa kwarto. I decided to turn on my phone, and to my shock, I was bombarded with text and missed call from different people since the night Mama died.

I didn't pay much attention to those things, thus, I looked at the picture I have with Mama during my graduation day. I stopped scrolling in my phone when the gift on my side table caught my attention.

Hindi ko pa iyon nabubuksan mula noong inabot ito sa akin ni Ate Mavis. Ibinigay daw ito ng mga pulis at nakita daw ito sa backseat ng kotse ni Mama. I don't know what urges me to reach the gift and unravel the lace.

For the first time in these past few days, I smiled genuinely. I opened the box and my eyes started to water. It's a silver anklet with minimal circle pendant. I remember what Mama told me, that she won't give me things in heart shape and rather prefer circle. Simply because heart can break but circle goes infinity.

Kinuha ko iyon at marahang hinawakan ang pendant. A lone tear escape my eyes as I keep staring on it.

"Mama, I'm sorry if I could come to your wake these past few days... it's because I can't force myself in doing so. I just can't accept the fact that you're gone, and I don't care if everyone calls me dramatic... they aren't in my shoes so they won't understand." I smile sadly on the life size mirror and refraining myself from tearing up more to prevent my make up to get ruin. "I was so used of being with you, Mama. Now, I'm longing to your presence... greatly. And as a child who loves her mother so much, I think it's normal to feel this. To feel great loss and misery."

Isinuot ko ang anklet. Makalipas ang ilang sandali at ilang beses na pagdadalawang isip ay tuluyan na akong lumabas ng kwarto. I saw our housemaids smiled at me as if they're genuinely happy now that I got out of my room.

Napayuko ako at tahimik na naglakad pababa. Pumunta ako sa dining room para sumabay kay Ate Mavis na kumain ng early lunch. I don't have an appetite to consume any food but Ate Mavis' intense gaze is scary.

We arrived in the funeral homes at almost one thirty in the afternoon. We stopped by in a flower shop to buy Mama's favorite flower, tulips. My heart thumped and eyes brimming with tears when I smelled Mama's scent all over. I don't know if it's just me, but I'm certain that this is the scent that Mama's always wear.

Tuluyan na akong nakalapit sa kabaong ni Mama. Inilagay ko sa tabi ng mga bulaklak ang binili kong tulips. I muster all my strength to look at Mama who looks like sleeping peacefully yet I know for a fact that she can never be awaken.

All the memories I had with her flashed in the back on my mind. Like all of it were the perfect dream I had in my life. Mama's the one to witness all of my firsts. She's the reason why I have treasurable childhood.

"Rest in peace, Mama. I know my apology can't bring you back, but I'm truly sorry for your death. Some may blame me, some may say it was an accident. But I couldn't ignore that maybe I'm partly at fault... maybe I asked you so much? Maybe I pushed it through knowing how jammed your schedules that day... but Mama, I deeply regretted it." I said almost a whisper.

My eyes roamed around. I saw most of the people here are our family relatives and common friends. Sorrow can be seen in their eyes. They keep saying their sincere condolences as we enter earlier, and I don't know what to feel aside from being thankful that they spend their time to visit Mama's wake.

I almost jolted as I felt someone caressed my back. Napalingon ako at kumalma nang makitang si Zai iyon. She smiling but it didn't reach her eyes and she then hugged me.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Nach. My deep condolences to you and your family." She sincerely said. "To be honest, I was also shocked after hearing the news that she's dead. I never expected that Tita Estella would cease to exit this early. But we have to be strong, Nach. We have learn to accept the fact that Tita Estella's gone, of course we can't right now, but we eventually will."

I didn't said a thing, and hugged her back instead. The remaining days in Mama's wake, I stayed. All of us are there. Narito rin si Navee pero minsan ay umaalis dahil may kailangan pa raw siyang puntahan. Lumuwas sina Tita Zadie at Zai dito sa Manila para kay Mama, at para narin tumulong dahil pamilya kami. We assist those who visits Mama's wake by giving them comfort and delivering them food as they also stayed up all night with us.

Some of Papa's potential investors and friends also paid their visits. I saw Mr and Mrs. Romero here in the funeral homes, but I never did ever saw Owen. He didn't communicate with me for a while now, and I can somehow find it suspicious.

The day of my mother's burial came. Buong akala ko ay naubos na ang luha ko, hindi ko alam na may iiiyak pa pala ako. I feel the great pain, sadness and desperation. Napako ang tingin ko sa kabaong ni Mama na unti-unting ibinababa sa lupa. Napahagulgol ako habang hinulog ang bulaklak sa kabaong niya, kahit anong alo sa akin ni Ate Mavis, Tita Zadie, at Zai ay hindi ko magawang tumahan. Like me, they're also crying. I even saw Papa shedding tears.

All of the people who attended the burial left after interring Mama's body six feet to ground. I'm the only one who stayed and remained looking at her grave. I recalled all the memories I spent with Mama and shamelessly said it out loud.

Halos tatlong oras akong nanatili dito sa sementeryo bago nagpasyang umuwi ng bahay. Naligo ako at nagmukmok sa kwarto ng ilas oras. Things already changed since that night when the doctor announced her death... and I have to bear with the adjustments.

The day after tomorrow, Papa called me to the library. Umuwi na ng Antique sina Tita Zadie at Zai kanina, at pumasok naman si Ate Mavis sa trabaho.

Tambak tambak ang mga papeles sa working table ni Papa nang pumasok ako sa library. He seems busy reading the reports, so I have no idea why I'm being called here.

"Are you accepting what I have offered you weeks ago?" Papa directly ask. Hindi iyon galit, pero hindi rin kalmado.

Right there, I know what Papa's referring. I took a deep breath, and lightly nodded. I think I'll be needing this. I have to grab the opportunity to escape from the loneliness and depression I've been suffering when I'm here.

Papa looked at me skeptically yet he nodded. "Then process your papers in the school and I'll send you to Rio de Janiero. You're old enough to travel by yourself, so I think you can go home in Antique alone."

"Okay, Papa. I can manage to travel by myself."

After saying those words, I excused myself to leave the library. Kahit labag sa akin ay pipiliin ko paring sundin ang gusto ni Papa. He wants me to study ABM, so I'll do it. Si Papa nalang ang natitira kong magulang at ayoko na tuluyang malayo ang loob niya sa akin. If that what he thinks the best for me, then I should at least try it. Wala naman sigurong mawawala. At isa pa, wala akong laban kahit na umayaw pa ako.

Days after reconditioning myself, I decide to finish my requirements in order to get my card. I wore simple and comfortable clothes and our family driver will drive me to school.

Inabot lang ako ng apat na oras sa pag-asikaso ng mga requirements ko. I've received my card for this school year and my general average is 97. I also requested the Form 137 since I'll be transferring.

I decide to go home early since I have to start packing my things, but when I was walking in the corridor, I heard someone moaning. I didn't want to mind them but those people moaned again.

Bigla akong kinabahan sa ideyang baka si Navee na naman iyon. So to feed up my confusion, I tried tracking where those moans were coming from. It leads me to the back of the comfort room where students seldom passed by.

I froze to where I'm standing as I recognize the physique of the man. I scoffed as I can't believe what I'm seeing right now.

How could Owen do this to me?

He lustfully cupping the girl's chest while his other hand is squeezing her butt. They're french kissing in front of me, and what makes me vomit the most is that they didn't even feel someone's presence!

I just caught my boyfriend red-handed. He's damn cheating on me! But weird thing happened, I couldn't feel anything aside from betrayal.

I turn my back to leave them. I don't want to disturb, and I just plan to end my relationship with Owen later in a calm way, but then, my phone rings... making the two of them stop from what they're doing.

Owen's jaw dropped after seeing me. He fixed himself before walking towards me but I kept on taking a step back. He held my hand but I immediately shoved it away.

"Don't touch me with that filthy hand of yours."

I admit that I fell out of love, but that doesn't mean he can cheat on me. Pinakisamahan ko siya kahit minsan ay hindi na ako nagiging komportable dahil alam kong wala akong karapatang makipaghiwalay. I kept him as my dark secret, so I am the one who was waiting for him to end this. But right now, I don't think I can tolerate this.

"Nach, I'm sorry. I'm all at fault, please, give me another chance!" Owen sincerely said.

Kung hindi ko lang siguro siya nahuli sa akto, mapapaniwala niya ako ngayon. But no, this is long overdue, all those things that Leigh have said about him was true. I looked at Owen then my eyes found Amanda's.

"The moment you kissed Yulo's cousin, our relationship has ended. What you've just done is worse than I kept you a secret. I have good intention why I kept our relationship this way, but that didn't give you the license to cheat!" I said it in the most calm way that I knew. I heaved a deep sigh and took a step back. "I waited for your comfort when Mama died but you didn't came! You didn't even showed up in Mama's wake nor attended her burial, I waited for you Owen! Now, that I want to introduce you to Papa as my boyfriend, you cheated. And you expect me to give you another chance? Well, I'm sorry to say this but you already messed up your one and only chance. Let's call it off."

I turned my head to face Amanda. "You should have told me that you like Owen so I can give way. I'm not martyr to stay in a relationship which is already messed up. Don't worry, I won't take this to the bone. I won't feel offended if Owen rather chose you over me."

I smiled at them before walking away. I'm sincere with what I've said to Amanda. I'm not going to hold this against them. In fact, I feel free. Like, I don't have to worry over something that could make Papa be mad at me.

I guess Owen and I aren't good match. Our relationship has already reach the ending point, that instead of starting over again or risk another chance, it's better to leave it that way to prevent further damage in both parties.

"Nach, please. One last time, give me another chance." Owen chased me and his voice was pleading.

Napaluhod si Owen pero pilit ko siyang pinapatayo. "Nach, huling pagkakataon. Please, I won't waste that chance, I'll try to be a better man."

Sinubukan kong alis ang kamay ko sa hawak niya at nang magtagumpay ako ay tinulungan ko siyang makatayo. "My decision is irrevocable, I'm sorry, Owen. I don't think we'll work out. Just continue your relationship with Amanda, I'm sure you two will click. You can do things with her that you couldn't when you're with me. But of course, I'm still mad at you for cheating on me and I don't think I can forgive right now."

He stood there like a mute, and I grab the opportunity to leave. I wanted to go somewhere that could give me solace... yet I couldn't since Papa strictly ordered our family driver to go home after I finished processing my papers.

I didn't pushed it through. Pagdating ko ng bahay ay dumiretso ako sa kwarto. I lay my back on the bed and stare at the ceiling for few moments before finally I deciding to pack my things up. I just need my necessities first, since Papa agree to ship some of my things after I arrived in Antique.

I don't know why I feel scared but a little excited. What Clajj have said back then, before we left Antique, suddenly popped in my head. Few days from now, I'll be in Antique, and I'm not certain if I can get along with new people and if I can adjust to the new environment.

If only Mama was here, things will be easier.