Chapter 4

I finally made it to school with a good ten minutes to spare so I went over to the library to drop off the books that I checked out and made my way upstairs towards my first-period class. When I walked into the room I didn't see Elliot so I walked over to my desk and waited for Jennifer to come to sit beside me. A lot of the people in the class have gotten used to the seating around me and they hardly ever spoke a word to me unless we're passing around worksheets or asking small questions. I pulled out my notebook for the class and was trying to figure out what to say to Elliot when I saw him later on in the day, but I couldn't think of what I wanted to say to him or what to explain. Was there anything for me to say? Do I owe him an explanation?

Elliot came in, instantly turned to look over at me, but I kept my head down and pretended I was writing in my notebook. He was about to make his way over when the bell rang and he stopped to go over to his seat by the teacher’s desk. After seeing his concerning reaction, I began to feel like it was a mistake to have gotten so close to Elliot and sharing the things I did after seeing his concerning reaction. I should have never let myself get close to anyone; let alone open up so freely like that. I had to take a deep breath now feeling angry and I knew that I had to control my emotions. My leg began to shake up and down as I slowly focused on my work and I wasn't sure if I should be angry or anxious, but it was starting to suffocate me.

I kept my head down during class until the bell finally rang and I quickly put my things in my backpack so I could quickly leave the classroom. I went to the closest restroom and went into one of the stalls when I heard a knock on the door a minute after. Of course, Elliot had followed me and I honestly didn't want to talk to him just yet. Not right now when I'm feeling anxious because I can’t tell why I’m feeling like this and it’s starting to hurt my chest. Or is it anxiety for having to let my mind wander and coming up with so many conclusions.

“Michael, are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I'm fine,” I answered and turned to have my back against the door.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I answered quickly. “Just leave me alone for a bit. The bell is going to ring.”

“And you?” he asked.

“I'll go in a bit.”

It was silent for a long second until I heard him walking away hearing the door closed behind him and I sighed heavily before closing my eyes. At this moment I didn't care if I was going to get detention for being late or had to stay after school. I just wanted to be alone to get more control of myself. I needed to be alone. This anxious feeling was getting to me that I hunched down to rest my head against my knees continuing to take deep breaths hoping to calm my nerves. I was experiencing that sensation as if the room is closing in, the warmth of your body is just getting warmer and warmer than you’re feeling the sweat on the back of your neck and the tight feeling in the pit of your stomach. I couldn't take it.

I hate it because I’ve been feeling like this since I woke up and it’s been escalating, through the whole morning to be alone hoping that the feeling would ease. I leaned over the toilet to vomit and not a lot came out, but I know it was so little because this was more of a mental reaction than a physical one. It came to a point that I was just throwing up stomach acid. I grabbed some toilet paper to wipe my mouth as I tried to catch my breath and hoped that my stomach could finally settle down now. After putting down the seat cover and flushing the toilet I sat down trying hard to not feel that small burning feeling lingering in my throat because that I hate getting the feeling after vomiting. I played with the rubber band on my wrist to distract myself, but I think my nerves weren’t going to stop and got to the point where I’ve given up hope on being alone. I needed someone to help me. I heard the notification of my phone ring and I reached over to see that Elliot had sent me a message asking if I had returned to my class.

I closed the screen, not responding back, and put my phone away unsure if I should tell him, but I knew that it was better for me to go to the nurse's office so they could deal with me. And yet I couldn't bring myself to leave. I'm just pathetic and useless. Like why am I feeling like this for? For what? All I do is bother people. I finally decided to reach for my phone and messaged Elliot back then put my phone down. I silently looked down at my feet a little lost in my thoughts that I barely heard the knocking at my door. It took me a second before I turned to open the door and I saw Elliot there with a concern expressed that reminded me that I had asked for him to come.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I shook my head; unsure how to explain to him.

“Let's go to the nurse's office. You don't look well.” He said as he reached out, but I took a step back.

“Don't,” I mumbled. “I’m not ready yet.”

He lowered his hands before taking a step back, “What happened?” he asked.

I covered my face as I tried to find the words before turning to him. “I’m just so fed up right now,” I said.

“With what?”

“Everything. Just everything.” I said, raising my voice a bit and I turned away from him.

Elliot stood quiet before leaning against the door, “Was this about what we talked about yesterday?” he asked.

I didn't look at him and it took me a second to answer, “It wasn't exactly yesterday. All the things that have happened and how everything turned out to be.” I tried to explain. “What's the point of it all? What am I even doing at this point…”

Elliot looked at me as if he didn't know what to say. “Well…”

“You should go,” I said, cutting him off. “Just go back. I'm sorry I had made you come over. I shouldn't have messaged you.”

“I'm not going to leave you alone. Not right now. Where you are right now, in your life, is you trying to fix it and figure out what you want to make out of it.” He said as if he finally got his thoughts together. “You're depressed right now so maybe you won't believe my words, but you can make this better if you give it more time. Just give things a chance again and be patient.”

I glanced over at him then I turned my head away, “I don't want to hear your godly wisdom.” I said.

“Okay, you don't have to listen to it, but I won’t leave you alone.”

“Why? Worried that I'll do something?” I said before thinking about the words I was saying.

“You won't do anything.”

I chuckled softly at his answer and shook my head. “You're that confident,” I mumbled.

It grew silent between us and I realized the things that I was saying when Elliot said quietly, “Michael…”

“I know… I didn’t mean that.” I said shaking my head as I finally stepped out of the stall. “Let's go to the nurse’s office.”

I walked over to the sink to wash my face and mouth first then stepped out into the empty hallway. He walked me downstairs to the first floor and headed towards the nurse's office to see it empty. I moved to sit on the bed while Elliot stepped out to check to see if the nurse was at the main office. I laid back and closed my eyes as I tried to relax. All I felt was my body feeling sore, the small pain on my throat, and I just wanted to go to sleep right now. I want the day to end already. To forget about it and I honestly just want to sleep the rest of tomorrow as well; just wanting the days to pass. I heard the door open so I sat up to see Elliot coming back in and grabbed a chair to sit beside me.

“She's coming,” he said. “Are you feeling a little better?”

I shrug my shoulder. “I don't know... Maybe.” I said as I took a deep breath. “I just want to leave already.”

“Well, give yourself time. Look, I can't stay since I'm supposed to be on a bathroom break and I need to go back to class.” He said, giving a hesitant expression like he didn’t want to leave me alone.

“Right. Sorry about that.” I said.

“It's fine. I'm just glad that you reached out to me... I know maybe I didn't do much…” he said as he rubbed the back of his neck looking a little awkward.

“You did help. I know I said I shouldn't have messaged you, but I'm just glad you came and I wasn't by myself.” I said before I turned away. “I'll just text you later on.”

Elliot nodded as he watched me for a second before getting up to walk out of the room and I stayed there sitting back against the wall waited for about three minutes until the nurse finally came. I explained to her, with some details of the event, and she soon made a phone call on my emergency card seeing that I was fit to go home. My mom arrived after twenty minutes passing and we walked quietly to the car unsure of what to say to each other. We got in the car and drove to the house when I noticed that she wasn't getting out of the car with me.

“You're going back to work?” I asked.

“Yeah, I only asked for a break. Are you going to be okay?” she asked.

I nod, “Yeah... I'm sorry about all that.” I said.

“It's okay, honey. We can talk more about it when I get back,” she said.

I went inside and locked the door behind me, not bothering to turn on the lights as I walked over to my room. I lay down on my bed after putting my backpack down at the door and I pulled the cover over myself taking a deep breath as I tried to go to sleep. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep, I felt like I hadn't slept enough last night. It had felt like I had just closed my eyes when I started to hear knocking at the door. I turned over feeling groggy as I tried to wake up. I yawned as I stopped hearing the knocks when my phone ringing and I reached over to grab my phone to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, why haven't you answered me?” I can hear Elliot ask with a distressed tone.

“Sorry, I was asleep. Are you outside?” I asked as I got up and made my way to the door.

“Yeah. I've been out here for like twenty minutes,” he said.

I unlocked the door and saw him standing in front of the door with a box in his hand. “Sorry,” I said as I stepped aside to let him in.

“It's fine. I was about to think that maybe you weren't even here…” he said as he put the box in the kitchen.

"What did you bring?” I asked following him.

“Pizza. Are you hungry? You're mom here?” he asked.

“She's still at work,” I said as I checked the time on my phone again then walked over to the kitchen to grab plates. “I am actually... I haven't eaten today.”

Elliot turned to me, “Like anything?” he asked.

I paused for a second realizing what I said and shrugged my shoulder. “Um, no,” I said.

“Michael…”

“It's fine. I'm eating now.” I said as I moved to the couch after I served myself.

Elliot came over to sit beside me and I reached for the remote to look through the channel to find a movie. “But your health needs to come first even if you feel fine.”

I sighed as I paused from eating. “Elliot, I don't want to hear it,” I said. “I don't want to be mean, but I know. I'm not saying I have an eating problem, but I've had moments where I just don't feel hungry.”

Elliot didn't say anything and I put the plate down then shifted myself to face him properly.

“You're right. I am feeling depressed and I think that's why I was like that yesterday too, but it's not the first time I've felt depressed before so it’s not a new feeling. Earlier in the restroom, after I had time to myself I realized I didn't want to be alone because for a second I was worried about myself,, and honestly, I could have done something if I tried, but didn't.” I explain to him. “I don't think you understand that it's been worse but I already know what is right and what is wrong. It's just about what I decide that becomes the outcome.”

Elliot didn't say anything before nodding his head. “I said to care for yourself more because I didn't know what else to say... Sorry if that was bothering you…” he said.

“You don't have to apologize. I was rude to you when I was the one that called for your help. My actions can be a bit unsettling. I don't like it when I'm like this either. Sometimes I think of things that I shouldn't and I let it get to me.” I said. “And I'm trying to tell you this because I don't want you to think that it's your fault or to think that you could have done something. If you ever feel like that then that only means that I'm just messing you up like how I'm doing it to myself.”

Elliot slowly reached over to grab my arm and I almost pulled it away, but I stopped myself. “Even if I felt like that it could be my fault, I also don't want you to feel like it's also your fault or that you are alone. That you have to deal with it alone I want you to know you can come to me if you have nowhere else to go... I'm here for you.” he said.

I stared at him as I took in his words and I didn't have anything to say to him. Why do his words always have some sort of tug on me and after a long silence he slowly let go of my arm. We both turned away from each other and I reached to grab my plate again. I tried to pay attention to the movie while I thought about what he said and in the end, all I could only think about was him sitting beside me; that he was still beside me after everything I said to him. I got up and went to the kitchen to grab another slice and also grabbed sodas for each of us.

“What time are you heading back?” I asked.

“Actually... I was wondering if you don't mind me spending the night? It's Friday so I can just leave tomorrow morning if you want me to or we can do something.” he asked.

I paused, a little surprised, and I tried to figure out what to answer. “I... I wouldn't mind, but I still need to ask my mom.”

“That's fine. What time is she off work?”

“Six; sometimes at seven. So I have to text her.” I answered as I reached for my cell phone and sent her a message.

I thought about Elliot spending the night and I wasn't sure if I was worried about sharing a room with him or the fact I'm letting him spend the night after what happened today. I shifted slightly before I turned back to my phone to see my mom had messaged me back and I was surprised to read that she was fine with it. I put my phone down and continued to watch the movie while I glanced quietly at Elliot; who was completely into what he was watching.

“My mom said it's fine,” I said as I turned away to look at the television.

“Great!” he said with a smile.

I saw his smile and I felt myself blush so I got up, “Let me put it all this way.” I said as I grabbed our plates.

I went to the kitchen to start washing the dirty plates then went over to grab the cups we had used. I needed a distraction and I still wasn't sure how to feel about what happened today. What was I supposed to feel after hearing what Elliot said or about my behavior? He said I didn't have to be alone and I believed his words because he's been there when I needed help. Even when I wanted to be alone, he never wanted to leave my side. Why couldn't it have been like this before... I paused after I realized what I just thought about and closed my eyes. I finished washing the last of the dishes and dried my hands before returning to the living room.

“I'm gonna fix my room so there's room for you to sleep,” I said as I walked over to my door.

“Let me help you,” Elliot said as he got up.

“No, it's fine.”

“I'm just helping you clean. It's the least I can do for coming over unannounced,” he said as he began picking up some of the clothes I had left on the floor.

I quickly went over and took the clothes from him, “My room isn't that messy. I just... My room, my house, is usually my safe place to be comfortable and you're the first person aside from my mom who’s ever come in” I said as I blushed at how ridiculous it sounds now. “It's stupid.”

“It's fine. I get what you're saying,” he said.

“It's still fine for you to spend the night. I want you to.” I said as I turned away trying not to say anything more embarrassing.

Elliot smiled as he leaned against the doorway, “Okay.” he said. "Then I'll wait until you're done.”

I pressed my lips together and nodded as I continued cleaning my room then took out the air mattress we had in the hallway closet. Elliot had stood there the whole time watching as I tried to forget what I just said as I fixed his bed. It's going to be a long night. I had asked Elliot if he wanted to borrow some clothes to sleep in, but it seemed like he was prepared as he took out his own pair of clothes from his backpack and stepped into the restroom to change. I took this chance to change as well and once we're both done we stayed in my room even after my mom came home.

I let Elliot briefly introduce himself to my mom and it seemed like she remembered him from the first day of school. I pulled him back to my room soon after because I was still shy over having a friend spend the night and also my mom was weirdly excited for that same reason. I sighed quietly as I climbed onto my bed and moved the covers over my lap as I sat awkwardly. What else are you supposed to do in sleepovers? I paused for a second on my thoughts as I turned to him; watching him fix his covers to make himself comfortable.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “We can switch if you don't like the air mattress.”

“No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.” He said, shaking his head, reassuring me. “I'll knock out and you will be able to tell that I'll be sleeping comfortably.”

I nod as I looked down at my fingers, fidgeting a little, trying not to feel paranoid until I saw a hand reach out to cover my own. I looked up to see Elliot had gotten closer to me with his hand reaching over and slowly put his hand away after it caught my attention.

“Don't be so nervous. Let's just lay down and close our eyes,” he said.

I paused for a second before nodding and moved to lay down pulling the covers over my shoulder, “Okay.” I mumbled.

“Good night,” he said, reaching over to turn off the lights and the room is dark now.

“Night,” I said as I stared up at the dark ceiling before closing my eyes trying to fall asleep.

I lay there quietly and knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep so easily and I knew that I would be up a little longer than I would want to. I wasn't too sure how long time had passed and if he was asleep or not because it was too quiet. I shifted as I tried to get comfortable and I finally yawned, showing that I was growing tired. Thinking about it, it was nice of him to come by and to check on me as well. But I felt like he had to because of what happened earlier today and it wasn't a situation that can be ignored so lightly as well. Maybe he was worried that I would do something and he only came by because he wanted to keep an eye on me. These thoughts were only getting me upset so I sighed and tried to ignore everything that I was thinking about. I had to try and sleep or I'll be up all night trying to pick a battle with these thoughts that I'm having. I can't be doing this to myself.

I didn't wake up until morning at the usual time I woke up for school and I turned over to my side to see Elliot still asleep on the floor. I sighed as I watched him before reaching for my cell phone to see the time and I got out of bed, walked around Elliot, then went to see if my mom was still home or if she had left to work. I found her in the kitchen pouring herself coffee in her traveling mug and turned when she saw me walk over to her.

“Hey, morning,” she said as she put her mug down. “How are you, honey?”

“I'm good. Tired.” I said as I walked over to give her a side hug. “You're leaving already?”

“Yeah, they left me a message asking if I wanted to work overtime so I decided to take the chance,” she said and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “So, wanna tell me about yesterday?”

I sigh, “I kind of didn't feel good.” I said not sure how to explain it without worrying her. “Elliot helped me when I couldn't handle it on my own and he wanted to make sure I was okay afterward; which is why he slept over. I'm sorry that I pulled you out of work.”

“No, it's okay. I don't care about work when you don't feel well... But it's been happening a lot more frequently, Michael, and honestly, I'm growing a little concerned about you.” she said, frowned as she tried to get an answer out of me. “Have things been difficult here? Would you rather go with your dad?”

“No, mom. It's nothing like that. I like living here with you... It's more of me. I'm just trying to adjust to being new at school and I don't want to worry you all the time because I know work is important for you right now.” I said as I looked down at the box of pizza Elliot and I left on the counter. “I liked living with dad, but I don't want to live there now. Not after what happened... Chris is still there and I can't... I don't want to go back there.”

“But all that's been going on isn't healthy for you,” she said. “Maybe we should see a therapist as we've talked about. You can't just stop seeing one.”

“I know, but I don't want to go back to the medicine they'll give me. I just felt so tired all the time and I just didn't feel anything with them. If I take them again, I don't think it'll help me, but make it worse.” I tried to explain.

“Then we'll try a different medicine.”

“Medicine can't fix me, mom,” I said a little loud and that made both of us pause.

“I know, I know,” she said as she reached out to pat my shoulder to calm me, but I stepped away not sure if I wanted that physical contact or because I was a little mad at our discussion.

My mom stared at me a little surprised before she reached for her keys and grabbed her mug before pausing to turn to me. “Okay, you won't go to your dad's, but that doesn't mean that you can't come to me and hide away just because I'm working. I'm your mom, Michael. Please trust me a little. Please.” she said.

I saw her almost close to tears and I felt guilty that I had pushed her away. “I do,” I said as I wasn't sure what to do or say to convince her. I wanted to reach out to her, but I couldn't bring myself to move and I wasn't sure if she even wanted me to after what I did.

“I have to go. It's getting late,” she said as she grabbed her keys then made her way out the door.

I stood there, confused, as I tried to process the conversation we just had and how it ended like this. How did it come to us arguing and how could I just push her away like that as if I couldn't trust her with the things I felt. I covered my face as I took a deep breath and exhale as I tried not to get emotional, but I felt the small self-hatred grow inside me. Everything that I’ve been trying to do has been backfiring at me or maybe I just lost touch completely on how to communicate to people. Everything that I’ve been doing or saying has been full of hatred or self-doubt that I can’t differentiate between my emotions.

“Michael.”

I looked up to see Elliot standing at the doorway, making me snapback, and I stood up. “Sorry, did we wake you up?” I asked.

“Michael, let's go back to bed. It's early,” he said in a soft tone.

I slowly walked over to go back to my room and I laid down on my bed without saying anything. Elliot sat on the bed beside me and we both were quiet.

“You might not believe it, but you're doing fine. Maybe it might not feel like it, but you're doing your best and I know I'm like a stranger to you, but I am proud at how much you’re trying.” Elliot said as he looked down at the floor.

I was staring at the wall as I listened and I couldn't help having this tight feeling in my chest. Why is he saying this to me? I pulled the covers over my head as I felt a few tears and I repeated his words in my head. No one had told me that they were proud of me in such a long time. Not the way he said it. I suddenly felt him hugging me over the blanket and I kept myself hidden underneath not wanting to show myself to him. But then again his hug was comforting and I didn’t shake him off. It felt so warm having someone hug me and I don’t think I’ve had anyone hug me in such a long time.

“Give your mom time and talk it over again with her. She knows you're trying and just needs time to understand how you have been feeling,” he said quietly as he let go of me. “Go back to sleep. We can go out later if you feel like it.”

I sniffed as I wiped my face, “Alright.” I said.

I felt the bed squeak as he got up and the sound of him going back down to the floor. I waited for a while until I uncovered myself and when I was calm enough I closed my eyes. I tried not to think about it as I fell asleep and I honestly felt a lot calmer now after what Elliot said to me. He did it again. He calmed me with just a few words. Why? Why does it affect me so much? I felt myself breathing more easily as I slowly started to drift off and within a few seconds, I was asleep. When I woke up I felt more tired as if I hardly slept and I wasn't too sure if that's how I wanted to feel. I turned to the floor to see that Elliot was gone but he had folded up the blankets and I turned to check my phone to read that it was half-past eleven. I slowly got up to step out to the living room, running my fingers over my bed hair and saw Elliot sitting in the living room watching a show on the television.

“Sorry, I slept in,” I said when he saw me.

Elliot grabbed the remote to lower the volume and turned to me. “No, it's fine. I thought you needed the rest... I didn't want to wake you up.” he said.

I moved over to sit beside him and he watched me carefully. “What?” I asked.

“I was just curious... About what happened…” he said, unsure how to finish the sentence. “I didn't mean to listen… When I woke up I saw you weren’t there so I got up to look for you.”

I shrugged my shoulders and I turned away from him, “I think she's right about me seeing a therapist, and the last time I was doing therapy they gave me anti-depressant hoping that would help me, but it only made me sleep a lot and my anxiety got worse. I didn't like having both feelings because whenever I felt anxious I would use the pill to let me sleep it off. If anything, it made me more depressed than it was supposed to help.” I tried to explain. “I stopped taking the pills, but I still have them. My mom keeps them in her room cause there was a time I would abuse them when I was living with my dad.”

He nods and turns back to the tv before turning to me again. “Michael…” he said, hesitating.

“What?”

“Chris... He did something, didn't he?” he asked.

I didn't answer him and it seemed like Elliot knew the answer before I opened my mouth. “It's complicated…” I said.

“How?” he asked. “I thought he cared about you?”

I rubbed my forehead as I tried to find the words. “He does... I mean, did. Chris changed slowly and he made some bad choices.” I said before taking a deep breath. “It's not an excuse, but it just got complicated and one thing led to another... I can't trust him again, but it's hard to explain how it was between us.”

“Then tell me what happened.”

I paused as I tried to find out what to say and shifted myself to face him, “It happened five years ago and it wasn't Chris who started all this. I was a little insecure about my sexuality when I was young and I was trying to figure myself out because I was confused about why I was having these crushes on a boy in my class. Why was I liking my friend a little more than I do compared to my other friends? Why did I only want his attention and want him to smile at me when he sees me? What was that supposed to mean?” I said as I tried to explain it to him. “And for a second I wondered if I liked him more than a friend... But that was bad if anyone found out.”

“Why?”

I looked at him, “You know how bullies can be. They'll be calling you 'faggot' and 'pussy boy'. I remembered them calling a boy 'gay' before I even knew what that meant and I was scared to be called that.” I said. “I slowly became cautious about myself and I had to remind myself to act like a boy. Boys don't like boys. So I tried to keep a distance from that friend that I liked and from any boy that I was scared to be seen alone with.”

Elliot listened and he had the most serious expression that I've seen on him. Like he’s taking in every word I’m saying.

“In seventh grade, I was eleven years old at the time, I was on the computer at school and a boy came to see what I was doing. The school didn’t have good security on sites so I was messaging back to a friend I met online, a boy, and they looked over my shoulder to read. They began to ask who I was talking to and the teasing started that it was a boyfriend and I was hearing them laugh.” I said as I recall everything that happened. “I panicked so much that I kept telling them that it was just a friend. I was also scared because I did have feelings for this pen-pal friend of mine and I felt like I finally got caught.”

“And what happened?”

“I cried... I cried and the other kids that I saw called the teacher and they checked to see what happened. Apparently, the kid’s reported about what happened and the main bully was almost suspended because they filed it as harassment…” I answered. “He ended up bullying me for the rest of the year.”

“I'm sorry....” he said, quietly.

I shrug my shoulder. “I transferred schools after that year and that's when I met Chris. Chris was different compared to the people I was around in my old school.” I continued on. “He didn't give a care about what people told him or what he did. He was outspoken and was the opposite of me.”

“You liked him because you wanted to be like him...?” he asked.

I smiled, “I guess so. I thought he was cool and maybe I wanted to be like him. We became friends because we sat next to each other in class. I wanted to change from the kid who was bullied and that meant to change who I was, but I didn't have to be around Chris.” I said and looked down to pick at the end of my shirt. “He slowly opened up to me as I hanged out with him and it was like he knew that I was gay. He never judged me. He didn't mind when I leaned my head on his shoulder, when I wanted to be hugged by him, and when he did all that I couldn't help falling for him.”

“Were you in love with him?”

I looked at him and nodded, “I think so.”

“But he also hurt you,” he said as if to remind me.

I sat back against the sofa and nod slowly before looking at him. “He did…” I said and it grew silent between us. “Sometimes I remember how bad it was... But I also remember the good. My mind makes me forget both sides that happened and there are times where the bad just repeats and repeats in my head.”

“You can't confuse yourself about it all though. You're going to wind up in a cycle and it'll repeat.” He tells me.

“I know that,” I said, cutting him off. “I know and that's why I don't want to get myself involved with anyone because I'm also afraid of my judgment. I loved someone who hurt me and I allowed it. Aren't I as fucked up as he is?”

Elliot didn't say anything before turning away and we grew silent once more. He didn't say anything after a while and for a second I wondered if he wanted to leave. Forget the whole conversation we just had. Forget about me. To leave before this becomes more serious that he can't get himself out of. But the funny thing is, Elliot isn't weak compared to me. He is nothing like me... And nothing like Chris as well. I wanted to apologize and tell him that I didn't mean to lash out at him because this was my way to defend myself. I didn't know how else to react but hide behind my anger.

“Since it was the first time someone ever showed affection towards me, I wanted to treasure it. It felt so right that I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want to let him go.” I said as I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. “I didn't feel alone when I was with him.”

FlashBack 1

“I apologize to pull you out of work, but it seemed like a topic that we could not pass.”

I was sitting in one of the leather chairs in the principal office and my dad was sitting in the other chair beside me. He was wearing his work uniform and he didn't have the kindest expression on his face, I’ve never seen him like this; which I knew meant that he would rather be at work than here. I looked down at my hand as I couldn't help feeling the pounding of my heart and I didn't know where to focus. I was sitting in the office for over thirty minutes and most of the ten minutes were in silence before my dad came. I tried hard to not move or make any noise so I wouldn't be disturbing anyone. At the age of twelve, it feels like anything I say or do will get me more in trouble than I have to be.

“Well, I would like to know what is going on first because all I heard was that my son was disturbing the class and that another kid was also suspended for harassing him,” he said. “What exactly happened?”

The principal cleared his throat as if he wasn't sure where to start and glanced over at me, “Well, it seemed like one of the boys in his class was calling Michael names and to came to the point that Michael was not comfortable enough that the boy had to be escorted out.” he tried to explain.

“He was calling him names? Like what?” he asked, still confused.

The principal nodded over to me to show that he wanted me to say them or he rather I say it so he wouldn’t have to.

I opened my mouth before I closed it, feeling my face growing hot, embarrassed that the attention was on me now, and I took a deep breath. “They were calling me: gay and faggot... Because I was messaging a boy online, a friend, and were teasing me saying that it was my boyfriend.” I said.

“Our computers are going to be needing a new update with the limits of sites, but we don't allow the students to be using them for their own private use... The concerning situation is that we have to take this as serious since people complain of how the boy was behaving towards your son and considering the language that was used we had to suspend the boy who was involved. Our school doesn’t tolerate any homophobic behavior and it’ll be for the safety of the students.” The principal said and sighed. “All I want to say to end all this is that he's lost privilege on using the computers for the rest of the semester and only used with permission from the teachers.”

My dad didn't say anything for a good two minutes and he nods his head afterward. “Alright,” he said before glancing over at me. “Well, thank you for informing me of this,” he said.

I wasn't too sure what my dad was thinking and I couldn't believe what was going on. I saw my dad standing up and I wasn't too sure what was going to happen to me.

“Is it fine if I pull Michael out for the rest of the day? We're going to have to discuss what happened.” My dad said.

“Of course. It's fine,” he said nodding before turning to me. “Michael, boys can be rude at times and name calling is not allowed. If any of these boys tease you that way again, please reach out to your teacher or me. We don't tolerate that sort of behavior.”

“Yes, sir,” I said, quietly.

I followed my dad out of the office and he signed a few papers that were waiting for him from the secretary to release me for the day. He spent a few minutes with that and once done we headed to the car and I was quiet the whole time. How am I going to explain all this to my dad again? I have barely come to terms that I am gay and does that mean I have to come out to my dad now? What will he do when I do tell him? All these thoughts came at me and I felt a knot on my chest that was making it hard to breathe. I didn't know what to do while feeling like this and I couldn't help but cry silently as I got in the car in the back seat not wanting to sit by my dad in the front.

My dad looked back seeing that I was sitting in the back and saw my expression. “Why are you crying?” he asked.

I couldn't say anything but shook my head as I wiped the tears and felt like it wouldn't stop. “I'm sorry,” I said “About?” he asked. “Was it about what those boys said to you?”

I shook my head.

“Don't listen to what they say because it's embarrassing to have people talking to you that way and they'll continue to tell those lies again,” he said as he turned away to turn on his car. “I don't know why you were messaging another boy like that when you should be focusing on your schoolwork."

“I didn't mean any of it,” I said as I tried to calm myself. “It wasn't like I wanted them to call me that…”

“With you crying like that, that will make them think you are gay. Makes it look like you're guilty as if you are one,” he said as he started driving. “Where do they even learn those words. I’m sure it was just embarrassing being called gay in front of the whole class.”

“But, Dad, I am gay,” I said letting it out and it felt like I was forcing the words out of my mouth.

I can hear my dad sigh heavily as he shook his head. “You got to be joking. You're twelve years old so how would you know?” he asked me.

“Because I do... I like boys…” I said, like I’m trying to convince him.

“Have you kissed a boy?” He asked.

“No.”

“Did someone make you think that way? Was it that online friend?”

“No!” I said turning to him.

“Then? How can you know if you never have done any of that? You're just confused. You don't know what you want.” he said.

“I'm not, Dad," I said, feeling confused at the things he said and I wanted him to understand that I was trying to be serious. “I am gay.”

My dad sighed again and became silent in the car until we finally came home parking on the driveway. “You're grounded. No computer, cellphone, or playing any games until I tell you when you can have them back and you're not allowed to talk to that friend of yours. Where do you even talk to these strangers online?”

I looked at him and felt that knot feeling in my throat like I couldn't talk. “He's not the reason why I'm gay.” I tried to say. “It’s just a game community chat for kids my age. But I’m just trying to tell you-”

“We're done talking about it. I don't want to hear any of it,” he said, cutting me off and his voice raised a bit.

“But Dad-”

“That's it! The conversation is over. Go inside and I'll be back after I'm off work.” he said. “This will not happen again. I don't want to be called because kids are calling you a faggot. If you want to say that you are one then you have to deal with people calling you that and don't just cry because you don't like it. Are you expecting me to be happy knowing this? Maybe you should have kept that to yourself until you got a girlfriend and then you can tell me if your still gay or not.”

I sat there looking down at my pants as I was in tears again and it was silent as I couldn't bring myself to say anything. There is nothing for me to say back to that and I didn't have the courage to even talk back to him. I unlocked my door and got out of the car without saying anything then made my way to the front door without looking back. Once the door closed behind me, I finally cried leaning back against the door and I thought I was hyperventilating because I had a hard time breathing. I tried to not panic, but my chest started feeling tight and my breath came out short and I wasn't too sure what to do.

I walked to the restroom as I felt myself falling on my knees leaning over the toilet and I think my emotions of the day were all coming to me right now. I had never felt this way before and I didn't know what to do and there was no one home so I was all alone. At this point, my breathing finally calmed after I tried to take deep breaths and I can only think about what my dad said to me. How did today end like this and for my dad to tell me those things? How can I go to school tomorrow after all that happened? But I just came out to my dad and I wasn’t expecting him to respond like that to me.

For a second I wasn't too sure what happened because I'd never felt like this before and I wasn't too sure if I was getting sick after everything that happened. I leaned towards the sink and turned on the water to wash my face. Once I felt well enough I went over to my room and laid down on my bed as I just breathed calmly now hoping that I can just relax. How was I supposed to expect the outcome of me finally coming out to my dad and it wasn't even the way that I wanted to, but I wasn't even ready myself to even say a word about it to him.

I ended up falling asleep and when I woke up my dad was already home. I can hear him moving around in the kitchen and I could only just close the door wanting to just hide away in my room. I didn't want to talk to him; I didn’t want to continue our conversation and I was also just scared to hear anything that he had to say. There was a small voice in the back of my head trying to tell me that I was lying to myself and to never think about boys that way again, but I was only lying to myself. Another wave of panic struck me as I wondered what the kids will do when I return tomorrow or the kid who was suspended. Dad never checked in on me and I skipped out on dinner. I wasn't hungry.

Morning came and I slowly got up to put on my clothes, but I was still too scared to step out of my room. I can feel my heart pounding at the thought of going to school and having to face all those kids again. Can't I just stay home? No, dad won't let me. I finally stepped out of my room and walked over to the bathroom to wash then grabbed my backpack to leave it by the front door. I saw my dad in the kitchen drinking his cup of coffee while looking at his cell phone and I just walked over to grab a cup of milk hoping that would help soothe me. He didn't say anything to me and I wasn't too sure if he was pretending not to see me.

“You ready?” he asked, breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” I said quietly as I put the cup in the sink.

I followed him outside to the car and once again I took a seat in the back. I still couldn't bring myself to look at him or even sit beside him after all that happened. The ride to school was quiet as well and after he dropped me off; all he said was that he was expecting me to be ready to pick me up when school was over. I walked over to my classroom and of course, almost everyone in my class was watching me. I quietly walked over to my desk and sat down trying to avoid anyone who was staring at me. I was about to pull out my book when three boys from my class walked up to my desk and I froze unsure of what to do.

“Hey, cry-baby, I heard you got Kevin suspended cause you were being a cry-baby.” one of the boys said and the others laughed.

“So that must be true that you like boys, huh?” the other one said.

I turned up to them. “No,” I said quickly.

“That's so nasty. I heard gays die faster just by kissing each other.”

“Don't touch him. You don't know what will happen if you do.” another boy said and I can hear someone behind me laughing.

“You're going to turn gay just by touching him.”

“Wait, we should be careful or he'll start crying again.”

A few of the kids laughed, “You should be careful or he'll call his dad and try to suspend us too.”

“Just leave me alone,” I mumbled.

I looked down trying to tune them out and I clutched my arm feeling my nails digging into my skin as I tried hard to not let them get to me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to yell at them to be quiet, but I didn't want the principal to call me to the office again and I don't want to hear dad say that I brought this on to myself. It wasn’t like I wanted this to happen. The kids continued to laugh until the teacher finally came and everyone started walking over to their desk pretending as if nothing happened. I wanted to go home. I just wanted to just stay in my bed and not come out again. During the entire day, I kept to myself and I ended up skipping lunch as well by hiding away in the bathroom then I met dad at the same spot after school. We barely talked, I barely touched my food when we had dinner, and I locked myself away in my room. I just wanted to hide away and I didn't know how else to feel after everything that happened.

What was I supposed to feel after my dad didn't accept me after coming out and the kids at school taunt me? The past couple of weeks nothing changed after that event. I kept my distance from dad and we didn't talk as much as we used to. The kids still joked around me and some even refused to be partners with me in class project, afraid that I'll turn them gay by touching anything we shared. Everything I touched they end up throwing away or refusing to touch again and it only made me wonder if I’m toxic. I didn't know that I would end up without friends towards the end of the school year and the kids who were teasing me started to completely ignore me.

By the end of the school year, I spent most of my time looking for my backpack because the kids were grabbing it when I wasn’t looking and hiding it away. One day, I looked around the room until I noticed a few kids laughing while they walked away from the restroom and I went to look to find it in one of the toilet stalls. I carefully took it out and it was already starting to smell from the water. How was I going to explain this to dad? Maybe he wouldn’t care about this too. I had to walk home today and I carried my backpack in my hand and once home I put it in the restroom sink trying to wash it before dad comes home from work. I went over to the computer after I was finally allowed to use it again and it’s been distracting me when I’m home alone, but I wasn't allowed to use any more social media sites now. I didn't care for them anymore and I stopped talking to people.

During summer vacation, I had to take summer courses since I failed two of my classes and dad had me go walking saying I can be more independent on my own now. A few of the boys from school were also in summer school so I tried to avoid them as much as I could. It was hard since they were always waiting for me when they had the chance, but they became rougher and I had a hard time getting out of their hold. Once they pushed me against the locker and tried to put lipstick on me while calling me a girl. I don't know what happened, but soon after that, I threw up when they left me alone and I didn’t want anyone to touch me anymore. It was like fire every time I felt their fingers touching my skin and it was hurting me even if you couldn’t see it. Dad noticed, but he didn't say anything. Maybe it was just too late to do something since I was already a mess. The only time he asked how I was when he saw me come home, half my shirt wet after they spilled milk over me during lunch, and I went straight to the restroom.

“Michael, has everything been okay?” he asked, knocking on the door.

“I'm fine,” I said as I leaned against the sink and tried to take deep breaths trying to control my emotions.

“Look, I'm worried. You haven't been eating much these days and you're always in your room,” he said.

I opened the door, “You're worried? Now you're worried after I've been dealing with these kids bullying me. You said I have to suck it up just because they want to call me gay.” I said, slowly starting to raise my voice. “I'm trying to deal with it, okay? I tried hard so you wouldn't be called in and humiliate you again.”

My dad sighed heavily. “I didn't mean it like that,” he said.

“Yes, you did. You were embarrassed because of me.” I said and tried to move past him.

“I'm not. Michael, look, I'm sorry,” he said following behind me.

I tried to close the door, but my dad grabbed it and tried to make his way inside. I was already mad and I just wanted to cry alone in my room; just wanting to hide from everyone. Today had been so bad and I felt like I was safer in my room where there was no one taking my things or hurting me; I didn't have them pushing me to the ground where I bruised myself from the fall or people grabbing at me trying to scare me. I took a couple of steps back away from him and I just broke down in front of him because now I think that he’ll hurt me too.

“I can't. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to go to school anymore.” I said between tears. “All they do is hurt me and I'm scared to go. I get scared of going to school that I always end up throwing up and I can't eat.”

My dad didn't say anything as he listened and he slowly reached out to try to hold me, but I pushed him away. “Please, Michael. Calm down,” he said as he finally grabbed my arm to hold me still. “I'm sorry. I didn't know... I didn't know…”

“I don't want to go back there. I don't want to go to school. Can't I just stay home?” I asked him.

“You're going to have to go back. You can't just stop going to school,” he said as he watched me. “How about we just change to another school? Wouldn't that be better?”

I shrug my shoulder; I don't know if that would help or maybe it would be better.

“Michael, I was harsh, but I didn`t mean for it to come out like that. I was surprised and I didn't think about how you felt... If your gay then you're gay. I didn’t know what I said would affect you that way,” he tells me. “But if they are bullying you then you have to tell me. You can't handle something like that alone.”

I didn't say anything and I didn`t know how to respond to that or anything that he said.

“You should go wash up and let's order pizza or whatever you want. We can talk about it or not and afterward we can see you transferring before the new school year starts,” he tells me.

“Okay,” I said as I turned to him and reached over to hug my dad.

I spent the rest of the summer staying home after my summer course was done, I was able to pass the classes, and my dad tried to work with my transfer. Apparently, because of the event that happened and not having evidence or witnesses to the bullying they weren’t able to do anything about it. I tried to give them a list of the kids, but they were denying the whole event and being more involved it counted as their word over my own. Dad was furious and continued on the process for my transfer. I realized that I couldn't go back to being that person I was before. There were things that I couldn’t find funny anymore, I didn’t have friends to joke around with anymore, and most of my days I spent it sleeping.

Dad wanted to hope that things would be a lot better between us and, honestly, he was the only person I wanted to try hard for since there was nothing else for me. I knew the bullying wouldn't stop right away at this new school I was going to, but maybe it was just my thoughts already getting the better of me and couldn’t look into the bright side. By the time I was allowed to transfer, I had a hard time socializing with people, I was never involved in any sort of interactions in class, and my dad barely noticed the change within me since I didn't want him to worry about me. My dad apologized for the words he said, but I couldn't shake off his words because they were already engraved in my head and constantly being reminded of it. I felt like he had meant it when he said that I had to deal with it myself and that made it so difficult to speak out loud about it.

How could I? What was I supposed to do?

I was able to go to the school in the next city over and it wasn't so difficult to adjust to for a while, but I was nervous every time I had to talk with the other kids in the class. I spent most of my lunchtime in the classroom, the teacher allowed me to stay, and right after my class,, I went straight home. Dad asked every day how school was going and I was honest enough to say that it was peaceful; peaceful that I was finally left alone. After getting through my first semester I was sitting in my new classroom as the spring semester started for my eight grade year and I would continue to spend my time in the classroom during lunch. I was about to pull out my textbook from my new desk when I noticed my desk partner beside me had stayed behind to sleep. I couldn't help glance over at him since he would always cover himself with his hoodie between classes and I noticed that he was always playing basketball after school in the courtyard. He was taller than me, far muscular then I would ever be, and right now he looked softer than the usual attitude expression that I've seen around the other people he hangs with.

“You know it's rude to stare,” he mumbled.

I blushed, turning away and for a second I was scared about what he'll do to me since this is the first time he’s ever spoken to me. “Sorry,” I said as I looked down at my book.

“It's fine. Keep on looking if you think I'm gorgeous,” he said as he moved closer but still kept himself propped as if he's sleeping.

I couldn't help but smile, “Don't be so full of yourself.” I said.

“Oh, come on, I've been told by a few people that I’m good looking. You don't have to lie to me,” he said.

I tried to focus on looking at my book and I didn't know what to say.

He opened his eyes when he noticed that I didn't respond back and sat up, “What's your name again?” he asked.

“Michael,” I said.

He nods, “I'm Chris.” he said introducing himself then slowly got up to stretch his arm. “Come on, let's go get drinks before the bell rings.”

I was honestly scared to go with him because I was afraid that he would be like everyone else that had tormented me and he was just trying to lure me out away from the teacher. He would wound up being my new bully and I wasn't sure I could handle that again. I can't go back to how I was and I hardly know Chris to just follow along beside him, but I wanted to. I guess I'll follow and who knows maybe things will get a little easier. I was hoping for a new change by coming to this school and that it would make me feel better.

I waited for a second before slowly getting up, "Alright." I said taking this chance.