Drenched in guilt
(Dean)
As I drove home, I can't help but replay everything in my head.
The pain I saw in Bella's eyes as she shut the door in my face, the way she looked at me, it's stuck in my head, like an imprint refusing to go.
The deafening silence after she shut the door, it just feels like she's shutting me out of her life completely.
Why did I ever let her go?
That feeling when something's within reach but yet out of grasp.
I feel even worse knowing I have a family I'm not part of, it leaves me feeling so empty.
I don't know if there's anything I say or do that'd change anything but I do know that I'm never giving up on her, my family.
I take a deep breath, my mind spirals.
Ethan was right. I didn't handle things well, I should've fought for what we had. I shouldn't have let anger get the better part of me.
If l hadn't, we'd still be together, raising our kids like we've always wanted.
I deeply regret everything.
I grip the steering, beating myself up mentally.
The fear and the guilt of what I might've done is eating me up, real bad.
I've barely been eating well, sleep has become a stranger to me.
My life's a mess.
And then there's Calvin in the picture, I see the way he looks at Bella, I can tell when a man likes a woman and he even told me straight up that they're together.
I'd suspected but hearing him say it to my face crushed me, his words has been echoing in my head.
I just can't help but wonder if my actions have cost me my wife.
My phone beeps, pulling me back to earth. I take a quick glance at it and it's a text from Rih.
Rihanna: Hey, how did it go?
I let out a deep breath, focusing my eyes back on the road. Rihanna had dropped by at the house earlier and I told her about paying Bella a visit. Hence the reason she's asking.
After driving for a few more minutes, I decided to stop by at Ethan's.
I got to Ethan's house and stepped out of my car, I pull my phone out, quickly replying Rih's text.
Once done, I walk up to Ethan's front door and suddenly an angry blonde storms out of the house, almost slamming right into me, her eyes blazing with a fury that makes me take a step back, aware of the situation.
She's looking really pissed.
I pocket my phone and quickly Ethan comes right out, his expression a stark contrast to that of the furious blonde.
"Hey, your bag. Do not show up here again," he warned nonchalantly.
I need not to ask what's going on, I just watched on.
The blonde glares at him, and quickly grabs her bag. "Fuck you, asshole." She spat angrily.
Ethan gives her a bored expression, unbothered about her tantrums.
She gives me a once-over and without uttering another word she storms off.
I walk into the house with Ethan in tow, he closed the door and walks over to grab us a drink.
"I'm sorry you have to see that Dee," he says, handing me a glass.
I take it and shrug. "You don't have to be, I'm pretty used to it," I take a long sip.
I shift my gaze to him and take a deep breath. "But really though, when are you going to stop?" I let out. "I mean, it could've been your mom walking in through that door and meeting your mess, again."
Ethan takes a sip. "It's no big deal, don't make it sound like it is," he takes a longer sip.
"It is," I say in a low tone, pretty much stressed. "You should cut down on the women, speaking about your mom, have you spoken to her?"
"Nope," he replies, he brings his glass down, relaxing into the couch. "My mom's a little too much, did I mention she brought a lady over, asking I settle down with her?"
I roll my eyes, the stress of the night easing off my shoulders. "Wait, what?" I have to laugh.
"See?" Ethan raises an eyebrow and chuckle slightly.
"That's —-a big step," I say between laugh. "And the lady, your wife?" I joked.
Ethan eyes me carefully, taking the hint. "I threw her out once mom's gone," he says. "Who brings a wife for their son, in this age and time?" He lifts his eyebrows in question.
"My mom does," I blurted out and we both laughed. I don't know when last I've been this at ease.
It's been pretty tough lately.
After our laughing dies down, and Ethan taking a sip. I just sit there, staring into nothingness.
"Are you okay?" His voice pulls me out of my trance.
I look at him and shrug. "Just coming back from Bella's,"
Ethan brings his glass down and straightens up. "I guess that didn't go well?" He gives me a sympathetic look.
I nod slowly. "I got to meet our kids, they even asked that I be their friend," I say, a small smile creeping up my face as the interaction replayed in my head. "They seem to like me a lot."
And then my expression falters. "But Bella wasn't having it, she was angry and then told me I wasn't welcomed," I explained, my voice low.
Ethan drags in a sharp breath."These things take time, Dee. Moreover, with everything that has happened, surely you don't expect she'd welcome you with open arms,"
I lean back and let out a heavy sigh. "I know, it's just—-," I trail off, running a hand through my hair. "I'm scared, so scared, the pain in her eyes, what if she hates me now? What if Calvin—-,"
"Dee, Dean?" Ethan interrupts. "Let's not go that far yet," he says, holding my gaze.
I nod slowly but my mind's anything but at ease right now.
I still can't move past the way she looked at me. The pains, the hurt in her eyes conveying more message than any words could.
I don't know—
But I can't live with Bella hating me.
The guilt would kill me.