Chapter 121 - Liberation (Part 2) - Mddos
Veronica.
For an instant, I saw agony in his eyes.
"Something tells me you know the answer better than I do. Right now, I'm confronting my feelings. I want to do the right thing, but I feel disgusted with myself."
"So you want to hear from my mouth the concept I have of you."
"Whatever you say will be the truth."
"And according to you, what would that truth be?"
"Ma'am!" He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm a monster, a disgusting abomination. I don't like men, but still, to calm my rage against the memory and the pain of what they did to me, I vented by doing the same. I've never violated a child, I only looked for men with those inclinations, but I was a savage."
"I've killed... And I've lost count, even if they were scumbags, we always followed Rata's motto; no children, no women, no innocent people, just men worse than us. Now there's a..." His hands trembled. "Did you know Diana has gone through worse things than I have? And she still has such a noble and pure soul." I confirmed.
"Last night... last night I behaved like a piece of trash with her. I have to keep her away, she's suffered too much for me to mess her up more with my demons." He closed his eyes, sighed, and continued speaking. "Last night I looked up her history, and what it says is enough for her to be resentful towards society."
"But no, you are a witness to that innocent look, that love for her son, that innocence. She was mistreated, beaten, abandoned, repudiated, lived off state charity, and when she decided to make her own way and move forward, she was kidnapped to be forced to do whatever the idiot who paid wanted. We went through almost the same thing, yet she holds no grudge, she keeps dreaming, being grateful while I pile more crap on my back."
"So what you want is to hear from my mouth the deplorable concept you have of yourself? Well, no, from my point of view, you deserve to be with the woman who keeps you up at night."
"Diana doesn't interest me as a woman."
"Sure..." She shrugged. "Look, Miguel. She unsettles you, you like her, there's a certain something between you two, together you'd be perfect. But that's for you both to determine. What is certain, and not just for you but also for her, is that you need to heal first. Both of you have been battered by life, you've already started on the right path, you've taken a radical stance where you know you don't like men but women."
"That's the most important thing, you know who you are and what you want. Now comes the hardest part, what we all struggle with the most, and that is learning not to carry the guilt of others and to forgive yourself."
"You are not to blame for your rape, but you are aware of the decisions made in not being able to control your anger. I'm glad you're in therapy for that, and you've already handed the problem and your failings over to the one above. Don't deny yourself the opportunity to have a real relationship, but do it when you're honest with yourself and with her."
"I don't have the guts to tell Diana that, never! That's why I told her I was an abomination, she shouldn't fall in love with me."
"It's already a bit late for both of you."
"I'm not in love with her, she's a girl, ma'am. I just care about her, I don't want to see her suffer anymore."
"I see it differently. Both of you are empty and together you should fill each other's gaps with memories of the two of you, better said, three because Isaac is already part of your life."
"You just made it worse for me." I smiled. "Diana... I hope she never finds out. She would hate me, repudiate me, she would be disgusted. She looks at me as if I were an important person, she does it with admiration, believe me, that's enough for me."
"And you keep saying you're not interested in her as a woman. As for her being disgusted by you... you can't be sure of that. Besides, haven't you thought that she might have been forced to be intimate with other women too? Get to know each other, and above all, no matter what, be honest with her, even if it's just because of the bond created by Isaac."
"For any affectionate relationship, honesty is the first stone on which to build, to be friends if you don't want to hurt her in the future. Friendship is fundamental. Be honest with her, if she decides to fall in love, let it be with who you truly are, so she will love the Beast."
"I can't, not now." I stood up and walked towards the horses.
"I know there's a lot of history, but for what you needed me, you've already vented. It's not me you should dazzle with a display of honesty, I knew you in your two worlds, I accepted you, you are my friends, and I love you for who you are."
"Our friendship is based on sincerity, you can count on me, you know the feeling is mutual. But she doesn't know that, maybe she's heard comments or suspects it because of so many men in the house."
"I'd be ashamed."
"You need to accept your mistakes. I'm not saying being homosexual or bisexual is a mistake. A mistake is when you are not satisfied with your actions. And in your case, it was that. Forgive me, Miguel, I can't console you and feel sorry for you."
"I'll be there for you, I assure you I'll always be by your side as your friend, but you need to face her and tell her the truth." I looked at him as I climbed onto Mono. "I don't see the problem with being honest with her, when you've told me you don't care about her because she's just a girl. What's the problem with her knowing about your love life?" He turned red, and I suppressed the urge to laugh.
"Very funny, ma'am."
"Miguel." We looked into each other's eyes. "It's better for her to hear the truth from you. We women value that."
"It's time to go back, we have a family gathering," he said to change the subject.
When we arrived at the house, the workers were bustling about. Simón had organized another barbecue by the stream. They had already loaded everything needed onto several mules. The workers' wives came out as soon as we arrived. The stable boys were saddling the horses for everyone. Inside the house, Diana was talking with Luz Marina and Inés. She was nervous, and I noticed that this time she didn't stare at Miguel. He approached Inés and took the child.
"Good morning, son." He kissed his face several times and then walked away to talk to Simón.
"I've never ridden a horse, I don't know how to ride those animals."
Diana was biting her nails. The foreman's wife approached and solved the problem, but I noticed that Miguel was paying attention to that matter.
"Don't worry, Miss Diana, my son Julio can take you. Stay calm."
"Thank you, Lina," Inés thanked her.
"And my son?" She was rubbing her hands. "If I get on one of those animals, I'll hold onto the saddle, and how will I carry Isaac? I'd better stay."
"None of that," my sister-in-law intervened. I patted her belly, still flat, but I knew my nephew was there. "I'll carry him. I'll go with Santiago on the same horse. I don't want to ride with my legs apart, so I'll sit sideways like a lady. We'll go slowly, we won't run, we'll be the last to arrive."
"Thank you."
"The mule is ready to carry the rest of the things. Where's Isaac's diaper bag?"
My father asked, happy on the farm. Since yesterday, he hadn't stopped praising the estate, El Arenal; that was his world. We handed over everything they asked for and what was needed for a cozy afternoon. Then everyone mounted their respective horses. Daniel with his son and Clarisa with the girl, Gustavo was with Enrique and Gladis on another horse, Arnold was on his horse and invited an older woman.
My father was on a white horse, I think they called it Palomo. Santiago helped his wife onto the horse, put some blankets on the back for more comfort, and mounted. Miguel handed the baby to Luz, and they left with Lina, who would guide them. Diana was next to me, nervously tapping her foot. Julio went to get her and helped her onto the horse.
"She looks nervous about riding a horse alone," Miguel commented. I looked at Simón, trying not to laugh.
"She won't ride alone, Julio will take her with him."
I would have loved to take a picture of Cebolla's face. Simón burst out laughing and went to mount his horse.
"Miguel!" he was agitated. "Calm down! He knows how to ride; he won't let anything happen to her. He offered to take her."
"Oh, he offered?" He closed his eyes to try to control his anger. "Forgive me, ma'am. I'm a damn bastard, but I won't let anyone touch what I've already caressed." I opened my eyes wide. "And I know you must hate me, but no one will hold Diana."
"Miguel..."
"Julio, don't you dare get on that horse!" Everyone was on their horses, and I was heading to Mono. "Go on my horse."
Diana was red, either from anger or fear, and since she had mounted the horse, she had clung to the saddle as if her life depended on it. Cebolla climbed onto the back, wrapped his arms around her to take the reins. They made a beautiful couple, well, if they could each calm their fears. I looked at Simón when I reached him.
"It seems like history is repeating itself a bit."
"What do you mean?"
"Roland took a long time to realize he was in love with you. The same thing is happening with Cebolla; they make a good couple."
"I just hope to live to see them work things out and to see you find your love."
"I already had my love, ma'am. My Clara and my son gave me love."
We set off towards the stream. It was comforting to spend time with family. My soul still ached, but I had always expressed that I could overcome anything with my family around me.