Chapter 57: Fifty-seven.

Colt let out a strangled, sputtering choke as her lungs painfully expelled the heavily salted water, which left the inside of her throat and lungs feeling like they had been dipped in acid. After greedily sucking in a lungful of air, and making her airways burn further in the process, her throat constricted again. Only this time it was her gag reflex, and she promptly vomited, narrowly managing to turn her head to the side to avoid choking on the bile as well. All before she continued battling to pull in more oxygen to her depleted system. Her heaving chest and struggling diaphragm weren't at all aided by her aching ribs, where there was a strange focal point of pain, that seemed to be preventing her from achieving her goal.

Her voice was making a strange hiccuping sound as she strained to heave in more air, never quite managing to get enough. Everything hurt, and she was struggling to focus, her half closed eyes still covered in large black spots.

Colt could feel a slight tingling pressure on her arms from someone's hands, but before she could open her eyes properly, she was again swallowed by darkness, as her mind sank back into oblivion, her body no longer able to cope with the pain.

-----

The rhythmic mechanical beeping, was the first thing that broke into Colt's consciousness. Followed by the strong smell of disinfectant and hand sanitizer, it made her nose wrinkle.

Next came the sharp ache in her side, along with a feeling of heaviness, and then the realisation that she couldn't move her legs.

Colt forced her eyes open, far too fast to allow them to adjust to the fluorescent lighting, and adding more pressure to the headache she was discovering was present at the back of her skull. Her panic was building as the patch work of memories filtered back to her. The cold, and the dark mingled with the sensation of being thrown about, unable to right herself, as she suffocated.

She hissed in pain, everything hurt, and with the sharp intake of breath she drew the attention of her companion in the room.

"I hope it fecking hurts! You deserve it." Maeve cursed angrily, at her. "What in the name of the wee man were you thinking?" Her heavily accented voiced revealing just how affected she was.

"But..." Colt tried to speak, feeling so confused. Was Maeve annoyed she didn't manage something. Did she make a mistake in the water? Her memories were still hazy and her sore head wasn't helping.

But, the pain in her throat stopped her from finishing, and Maeve interrupted. "Don't you dare 'but' me, young lady! Where is you survival instinct? If someone told you to jump into a volcano would you? No, of course not! It be fecking ridiculous, and utterly insane, because it is dangerous!" Maeve admonished Colt. "Like jumping into freezing water, that is thrashing about and you can't see the bottom, is dangerous! You could have been killed! If I had got to you a second later, there wouldn't be a brain left in that pretty head of yours. You stupid, stupid girl." She spat out, tears beginning to fall from her eyes. "Jesus, I cant believe you'd be so fecking reckless!"

Colt squeezed her eyes shut at the scolding she was receiving. Her head was hammering and her throat felt raw, she needed water first, then she would answer Maeve and her barrage of insults. She opened her eyes and looked about for water, noticing Maeve was wiping her eyes, while muttering to herself, clearly annoyed by the tears. Panic hit her though, when her eyes scanned over her legs, there were metal rods sticking out of them in multiple places, each attached to the next by some kind of frame.

Her hands clutched onto the sheets as an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia and being trapped hit her. She was desperately trying to pull herself up the bed, whimpering in pain as the agony in her chest blossomed into something much more intolerable.

Seeing Colt panic, Maeve jumped and ran to the bedside, cooing and talking soothingly now, instead of her previously irritated self.

"Shh, shh." she crooned, while stroking Colt's hair. "Its alright Colt. I've got you, just breathe. Take a deep breath i, and concentrate on controlling the release." she commanded. "Look at me, Colt. Eyes on me. That's it. In one, two, three. And out one, two three."

Colt's eyes were flooding with tears as she was consumed by panic, and she fought to follow Maeve's instructions. Looking deeply into her eyes and breathing through the burning pain in her chest.

Once, Colt's panic attack had subsided and she was breathing calmly, Maeve held out a small plastic cup with water and a straw to her, allowing her to finally quench her arid throat. Athough Colt still struggled to swallow, and could only sip gently on minuscule amounts, she was still grateful for the relief of gave her.

"Wh, Wha," she attempted to speak, alternating her question as she went, in the hope certain sounds were easier to say. "Whe," and sighing in frustration when they didn't work. "How a, a, am I h, here?" Colt eventually forced out through ragged breaths.

"You jumped into the sea, like an idiot with no sense of her own survival I might add, and I shifted and pulled you out. You were beat up pretty badly. So I brought you here. They had to operate yesterday to correct the fractures in your legs and repair a punctured lung, as well as the rib that pierced it. The doctors are saying how lucky you are to have survived. I on the other hand think your a fecking fool. You're head injury wasn't too serious, although you will have a nasty bump." Maeve joined the dots for her, explaining her injuries.

Colt nodded her head as she took account of everything Maeve had said to her.

"Wh, why?" she coughed out reaching for the cup again, as Maeve moved it closer to her.

"Why tell you to swim? It was a test. I was measuring your will to live. Your self care. You failed spectacularly, by the way."

Colt visibly flinched at those words, she had never failed a test in her life before.

Sighing, Maeve continued rubbing Colt's arm gently. "You have built your life to support and advocate for others Miss Merrier. You give strength to the weak and safety to the insecure. Yet, at no point when I was literally asking you to jump off into a dangerous life threatening ocean, did you advocate for yourself." She sighed. "You just shut down completely, and followed my instructions, like a broken little puppet." She reached up and cupped Colt's face tenderly. "You deserve more than that. You need to give yourself more worth than that, because you are extraordinary, and you are strong, and you are so, so, clever, Colt. You are not broken, and your first task with me, will be to work on advocating for your needs. To begin to develop you self worth. So, that when someone asks you to sacrifice something unreasonable, like your safety for example. You not only at least ask why, but you tell them to fecking go to hell."

Colt was full on ugly crying, there was so much snot she could barely breathe and her chest hurt from the movement of it all. The dissonance in her mind at Maeve's words was astounding. Not because she didn't believe her, but because Maeve had seen right through her and challenged her own view of herself.

The truth was Maeve was correct, Colt put very litte stake in her own value. Feeling broken and defective her entire life had that effect unfortunately. So she easily allowed others whom she believed were her superiors in someway, dictate her actions. Whether it was her college professors giving her unrealistic workloads, to see if she would fail, or her boyfriend in high school wanting to go further than she was ready to at the time. She always tried to please others first. Even her beloved resort was to provide for other people, and thus give her a sense of purpose through them. She herself was never enough, and her mate? Well besides the fact she let him try and kill her without a fight, didn't she partially agree to give him a chance because he would suffer and potentially die if she hadn't?

Then on anything she would perceive as an achievement in others, she would play down in herself. It was never enough because at the end of the day, no matter her business success, or her fighting skills, or even how many people she helped, Colt still couldn't shift and it left her feeling utterly broken.

Her wet face was marred with frown lines, as she thought hard about the last time she put her own needs and wants first, the last time she valued her own desires. There had to be something, because surely she wasn't going to completely fail in Maeve's eyes. Then, it hit her - Solaris, and she breathed deeply. Making space for him in her life was her one selfish choice. Having horses at the resort wasn't a viable business decision at all, but it was a very valid personal one. He was her solace.

Maybe she wasn't a lost cause after all.

"Solaris, m, my horse." Colt croaked out. "He is my, l, luxury, j, just for me."

Maeve, cocked her head at this information, and smiled like a predator latching onto her prey, she had caught something in that statement that would help, and she wasn't afraid to exploit it. "And, what would happen to Solaris, if you died? Who would look after him? Where would he live? Horses aren't cheap, so who would pay for him, would he be happy in a predator filled environment without you?" She asked in triumph.

Colt's eyes lit up, Maeve was right. He would be on his own. Her Mom wouldn't want to part with him, purely as a link to Colt - but all the same he wouldn't get the life he needed or craved, because her Mom wasn't into horses.

"And that," Maeve began seeing the revelation in Colt's eyes "Is known as a protective factor. A reason for you to fight to survive. The next step is to make you realise, you too are a protective factor, that you deserve life, that you are worthy of your own care." Maeve sighed, rubbing Colt's arm again with compassion.

Colt nodded, avoiding eye contact in her discomfort, this was all beginning to feel very raw and scary, she hadn't once imagined she would be tackling things on this level to learn to shift.

Changing the subject after sensing Colt's discomfort, Maeve went on, "Now, due to your shifter healing abilities, though not fully developed, you'll still be due to have the rods removed tomorrow - and your catheter you will be glad to hear. But, then the casts will be applied for a week to ensure you heal correctly. Your tibia was shattered into five pieces on one leg and your ankle was obliterated on the other." Maeve passed on Colt's recovery plan very matter of factly. "You are on strict bed rest for the week, to ensure you heal correctly, and if you even think of objecting, I will send you home myself, do you understand? "

Colt smiled and nodded. "My M, Mom, would love you." she smirked, thinking of all the times where she was injured and her Mother would try to force her to rest.

"Hmmm, I doubt that. Knowing Wildcats, I bet she would blame me for the accident in the first place." Maeve remarked.

"Well, okay yes." Colt laughed out, immediately wincing at the pain in her ribs, and reaching for more water from forcing her throat to work properly.

"Alright, now sleep, Colt. The nurses will back soon to check on you and give you more pain killers." Maeve ordered, before retreating back to her chair in the corner. "In the meantime, I will be right here."