“I mean it, Clare.” Lukas says, voice low but firm. I sigh.
“It’s not that I think you’re lying to me… It’s just, what’s to stop you from changing your mind? You like me now, but what’s to stop you from getting sick of me?” I say quietly. Lukas raises an eyebrow.
“Clare… You know me well enough by now to know I don’t like change.” He says simply.
“I like to know what’s going to happen every second of every day.” He clarifies.
“Yeah… And I am not good at that kind of thing, I’m impulsive and chaotic and terrible at sticking to plans and schedules.” I point out.
“Exactly.” He says, and to my surprise, Lukas smiles.
“I know that. And… I don’t even care. I would rather spend every single day running late, off schedule, and with no idea what’s coming next, if the trade off is that I get to spend those days with you.” He explains. I just stare at him.
“You say that now, but-”
“But I can’t be sure.” He finishes for me.
“Except I can.” He says firmly as his gaze sharpens.
“Because I’ve already BEEN doing it. For weeks. Through demon threats and hospital visits and missing time at work. Through my family falling apart. Through all of it. And even with the danger and the uncertainty and everything else that should have driven me completely insane, I’ve enjoyed every single moment I spent with you.” He pauses only to take a breath.
“Even the worst days were… Not so terrible, because you were there. Any frustration I might feel over not being in control is more than balanced out by the comfort of knowing you’re there too.” He pauses again as my jaw drops, words forgotten in my mouth. But Lukas isn’t finished.
“AND before you say that can’t be true or try to insist that I’ll change my mind, don’t. Because it IS true. And I won’t. I can’t change my mind, Clare, because I am completely addicted to you.” His voice rises with each word, gaining heat and urgency.
“Every time I flirt with you or tease you, it’s because I’m hoping to see you smile. Because I’m DESPERATE for you to take my hand again. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.” He takes a breath that catches slightly in his chest, like the intensity of his own words is finally catching up to him.
“I don’t even know if it’s healthy anymore, how much I want to be around you. How much I rely on you just to get through the day. But I just don’t care. Because you are the most maddening, challenging, frustrating, kind, generous, brilliant, and utterly unique person I’ve ever met.” Lukas shifts forward slightly towards me. Still not quite touching me.
“I could spend my whole life reading your mind and I still don’t think you’d ever be predictable. But I wouldn’t need you to be. Because even if I don’t know what you’ll do or say next… it doesn’t matter.” His voice softens, still fierce, but steadier now.
“I trust you.” He exhales slowly, chest heaving a little, then continues in a quieter tone.
“No matter what comes out of that busy mind of yours… I want to support you. I… I don’t know exactly where I stand with you.” He admits.
“I can read your mind and I STILL don’t know exactly what I mean to you.” His voice drops, raw and quiet.
“All I know is that every time I think about you… I smile.” He looks me right in the eye.
“And I’m pretty sure that’s because I’m in love with you. And it really concerns me that you’re behaving like you don’t know that.” Lukas falls silent, still watching me. Waiting.
I suddenly want to cry. I don’t even know why! If it’s because I’m happy that he loves me, or sad that he’s this frustrated with how I’ve been acting, or maybe even a little angry that he expects me to be confident in his feelings when I’m not the one who reads minds and he’s never actually SAID any of this until now. I’ve had to guess. Assume, based on the way he acts. And that’s terrifying. Because what if I guess wrong? I rub at my eyes, trying not to let the tears spill.
“You’re acting like I should have known that you lo- I mean… How you feel.” I mutter.
“But how was I supposed to know? You never told me.” I argue. Lukas raises an eyebrow.
“Clare. I flirt with you constantly. I can barely keep my hands off you, and I’ve kissed you more than once. I think I was making my interest pretty clear.” He says flatly.
“Interest isn’t the same as actual feelings.” I shoot back.
“And you didn’t SAY it. I don’t read minds. How was I supposed to know?” I continue arguing. I don’t even know WHY. It’s like there’s something I need him to say, but I don’t even know what that something actually IS. Lukas groans.
“But you DID know.” He says, exasperated.
“I saw it in your mind. I’ve seen it in your eyes.” He insists as he leans forward, frustrated. Not angry. Just... Emotionally overwhelmed, like me.
“But you didn’t WANT to know. So I didn’t say it. Because if you couldn’t even admit to yourself that I love you, then you definitely wouldn’t have wanted to hear it from me, no matter how I said it.” He draws in a breath, and his voice softens just slightly.
“So I chose to wait. And I’ll keep waiting, Clare. Until you’re ready to admit the feelings I know you have.” He says firmly. I don’t respond. Because I can’t. My mind is stalling out. Caught between guilt and fear and love that feels like it’s cracking me open. I DO love him. So much that it HURTS. And I think maybe that’s the problem. I spent my entire childhood pouring love into people who didn’t want it. Who pushed me away when I gave too much. Who made me feel like I was too much. And now… I don’t know how to accept it. I don’t know how to offer it without bracing for the sting of rejection. But Lukas isn’t rejecting me. He’s never rejected me. He’s sitting right here, handing me his heart, and all he wants is for me to accept it. And I’ve been sitting in silence for way too long. Lukas sighs and pulls back slightly.
“I’ll… Give you a bit of time to think about it. I still need to go pick up Roxy…” He trails off as he starts to stand. I launch to my feet, trying to grab his arm, but my bad ankle betrays me and I stumble forward. Lukas catches me easily, steadying me like he always does. He lowers me gently back onto the couch. But when he tries to pull away again, I don’t let go. I cling to his arm, gripping tight. He gives me a sad smile and gently starts to untangle my fingers.
“Clare, it’s really okay. I can give you more time.” He says softly. And that, that makes something inside me snap.
“No, damn it! I don’t need time to think about it.” I burst out. I squeeze his arm tighter, words tumbling out of me like they’ve been waiting behind a dam.
“I… I love you, Lukas.” I blurt out. He freezes.
“I’m just… Incredibly pissed off about it right now.” I continue, scowling.
“Because this entire emotion is terrifying, and it’s your fault that I’m stuck with it!” I accuse. Lukas stares.
“Ugh! I love you even more than I’m annoyed with you, which, by the way, is a lot right now.” I groan. He doesn’t move. His hand is still over mine. And I know he heard everything, not just the words, but everything. The tangled, messy thoughts behind them too. And then, slowly, the biggest smile I’ve ever seen breaks across his face. He leans down, slips his arms around my waist, and gently pulls me to my feet. I go easily, letting him hold me. Letting myself lean into him. He holds me close.
“Let me try this again. Clare… I love you.” He whispers into my hair. I sigh, my head against his chest.
“I love you too.” I mumble reluctantly. He laughs, really laughs, warm and happy and relieved.
“I know.” He says smugly, kissing the side of my head.
“AND I know you’re not nearly as mad about it as you sound.” He adds cheerfully. He pulls back just enough to look at me.
“So, I still need to go get Roxy…” He trails off and I frown. He gently tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
“Want to come for a drive?” He asks, his voice is so soft. So hopeful.
“I’d like to show you my place. Maybe… We could spend some time there too sometimes?” He suggests. My chest tightens, but not in fear this time. That’s it. That’s what I wanted him to say, what I didn’t even realise I needed from him. Not just affection. Not just reassurance. But an invitation, into his space, into his life, without me having to ask for it. Everything is going to be okay, I just know it. I smile warmly.
“A drive sounds perfect.”