I am so incredibly confused. I told Lukas he could leave, and he did, just like I said. But now he’s back. He’s sitting on the edge of my bed, holding out his hand like he expects me to take it. His expression is calm, measured. Which just makes me feel overdramatic and ridiculous. He said he came back because he realised I probably didn’t want to be alone. That I needed comfort. A hug. Something soft and safe. And now he’s just... Waiting. I ignore his hand completely. Instead, I shift closer on the bed and rest my head on his lap. If he says he’s here to comfort me, then I’m going to get comfort, darn it. Lukas smiles a little and strokes his fingers gently through my hair, brushing it away from my face like it’s the most natural thing in the world. But I still don’t get it. I don’t need him to take care of me anymore. I can manage on my own. He likes quiet, solitude, things I am definitely not. I’m loud and impulsive and clingy when I don’t mean to be. Eventually, people get tired of that. They always do. At some point people always decide that I’m too much. So how can Lukas not be tired of me by now? He’s been practically glued to my side for WEEKS. Surely he’s ready to reclaim his space. His peace. His sanity. Lukas sighs and shakes his head, exasperated.
“I knew I should’ve waited longer before going back to work.” He mutters.
“I start leaving for a few hours a day and suddenly you’re convinced I don’t like you anymore.” He says as he glances down at me.
“You do remember that this was your idea, right? You told me I didn’t have to stay.” He reminds me. I shrug, suddenly feeling stupid. He’s right. I did say that. I just… Didn’t expect it to feel like this. I didn’t realise how completely vulnerable I would feel. I want him to be comfortable. I want him to have space. I’m supposed to be independent. Strong. Capable. I’ve always been proud of that. So why am I falling apart over the idea of him going home? I shouldn’t be so selfish. I don’t even know why he’s been putting up with me all this time. Why he came back. Lukas clears his throat.
“Okay. I think I need to make something clear.” He says firmly, shifting slightly and angling my face so I’m looking up at him.
“When I’m here, it’s because I want to be here.” He says.
“No one is making me stay. I’m not here out of guilt, and I’m not uncomfortable.” His voice is steady. Certain.
“AND if I were uncomfortable, I’d tell you. I can take care of myself too. If I choose to stay in a situation that’s difficult, it’s because I have decided that it’s worth it.” He says, his tone leaving no space for debate. His hand never leaves my back as I sit up. He helps me gently, never rushing me. I sniffle and try to breathe like a normal person. My heart is thudding too fast, like it doesn’t know what to do with all this reassurance. I didn’t think I was this insecure. I didn’t think this stuff could rattle me as much as it apparently does. I’m being ridiculous.
“You’re not ridiculous.” Lukas says softly, reading the thought before I can even process it.
“And this is probably my fault, at least in part. I forget sometimes that you don’t read my mind.” He frowns.
“You’re good at predicting me, at figuring out what I want. But I need to work harder to say things. To actually communicate.” He adds. Then there’s a pause. He looks like he has something that he wants to say.
“Is there… Something I should know?” I ask, unsure if I want the answer. I don’t know if I’m hopeful or bracing for disaster.
“There’s definitely a conversation we should have.” He admits.
“I just didn’t bring it up before. I’ve been… Distracted. Focused on your recovery.” He says awkwardly.
“Bring what up?” I ask quietly. Lukas’s frown fades. His lips twitch into something softer.
“This.” He says. Then he leans in and gently but very deliberately presses his lips to mine.
I can’t help but lean into the kiss. It’s been weeks since we last did this. Not since before everything happened, before Solem, before the hospital, before I was tired all the time and walking around like a bruised version of myself. And MAYBE I didn’t want to admit it, but it’s been bothering me. A lot. This growing fear in the back of my mind that maybe Lukas had been pulling back, putting distance between us. Well, he’s definitely not putting distance between us now. His lips are warm and soft against mine and his hand on my waist is gentle but firm as he pulls me closer. I go willingly, letting the weight of every second we didn’t do this melt away. I press my fingers lightly against his chest, just to steady myself. His heart is beating fast. Or maybe that’s mine. My whole body sinks into it. My chest tightens with something that feels a little like relief and a lot like finally. Wait a second… We were supposed to be having a conversation, weren’t we? Does this count as a conversation? Probably not. Or if it is, it’s definitely a one sided one, since Lukas can hear all of my mental rambling and I can’t hear any of his. Unfair. Completely unfair. Does Lukas even have mental rambling? Probably. But I bet HIS is neat and logical and beautifully formatted, unlike mine which is just static and chaos and glitter explosions of emotion. Lukas pulls back, resting his forehead lightly against mine, a faint smile curving his lips.
“You’re right.” He says quietly, amusement dancing in his voice. I stare, kind of confused. Huh?
“This isn’t what I meant by a conversation.” He clarifies.
“Ah… right.” I answer, awkward and breathless. I can’t even pretend to play it cool. We should probably actually talk. Get it over with and-
“CLARE, I’M HERE!” Laura’s voice echoes through the apartment. I jolt so hard I nearly fall off the bed. Lukas instinctively reaches out to steady me, frowning.
“She has a key?” He asks flatly.
“Yeah…” I mutter, grimacing. Right. I did text her. Right after he left. I sent a full on emotional S.O.S. about being sad and lonely and needing company. I wasn’t exactly expecting Lukas to come back so fast after all.
“Oh hey, Roxy.” Laura calls from the living room. A second later, she wanders into view and leans casually on the doorframe. Her eyes land on us, me still sitting on the bed, flushed and wide eyed, Lukas very clearly in my personal space. She knows exactly what we were doing and she is more than a little amused.
“You don’t look all that lonely to me. But hey, what do I know?” She says with a smirk.
“Rina’s here too, by the way. That’s why I took so long. Had to convince Catcher to cover for both of us. We figured you needed a girls’ night. Rina brought wine.” She adds. Laure says this while not breaking eye contact with Lukas. I glance up at him, suddenly self conscious, ready to apologise for a situation that kind of feels like it was my fault. But Lukas just shrugs. Calm and unbothered. Then he gives me that small, private half smile, the one that means he’s fine, really.
“I’ll make snacks.”