Lukas sticks to his promise and nudges me awake before he leaves for work. I’m still half asleep when he leans down to whisper my name and gently brushes his lips across my forehead. I manage to mumble something that might have been ‘goodbye’ and loop one arm lazily around his shoulders in a half hug before immediately dozing off again. I don’t think much of it at the time. But when I wake again around ten, the first thing I notice is how weirdly quiet it is. The second thing I notice is that it feels… Wrong. The house isn’t empty, not really. Roxy is curled up near the couch, and Princess is curled up somewhere else, undoubtedly plotting world domination. But the absence of Lukas hits like a change in the air pressure. It’s just… Off. I never used to mind being alone. Even when I lived with my parents and Julian, being alone in the house meant breathing room. Freedom. I could exist without worrying how I came across to anyone. I could be myself. Now? It’s… Strangely lonely. I guess that makes sense. The last time Lukas and I were apart for more than a few hours, it was because he’d been kidnapped. And ever since I got him back, we’ve been together constantly. Between healing, planning, fighting for our lives… And then me getting hospitalized. This is the longest stretch of normal we’ve had in ages. And it feels empty without him. Despite what I told Lukas yesterday, I have NO intention of going out today. I don’t even plan to get out of my pyjamas. I dedicate my day to binge watching terrible reality TV from the couch, wrapped up in three blankets with Roxy curled up at my side and Princess parked on my lap. When my phone rings at lunchtime, I answer it before the first ring even finishes.
“Hello?” I ask.
“Clare.” Lukas’s voice floods the receiver, warm and slightly too rushed.
“Are you okay? Do you need me to come back?” He says, concern in his tone.
“I’m fine. I’m just sitting here, watching TV. No problems at all.” I assure him quickly. He exhales, and I can hear the tension leave his body.
“Okay. When you’re hungry, there are leftovers in the fridge. You can microwave them, it won’t take long, and you don’t need to be on your feet for it.” He adds. I smile.
“Thanks, Lukas. You really don’t have to worry so much. I’m okay. Promise.” I say reassuringly.
“I know.” He says, and I can tell he’s trying his best to believe it. I change the subject.
“How does it feel being back at work?” I ask cheerfully.
“Quiet.” He admits.
“Too quiet. I actually turned music on in the background.” He says, a hint of disbelief in his tone. I raise an eyebrow.
“You? Music?” I repeat.
“I think I’ve gotten used to your humming. Or, at the very least, listening to the stream of your thoughts. My office feels… Empty.” He explains. My heart clenches a little. It’s weirdly comforting to know he’s feeling this strangeness too. Though, to be fair, he replaced me with background music. Meanwhile, I’m emotionally dependent on a guy who barely speaks and makes zero unnecessary noise. What exactly am I missing? It’s not just the sounds of him being in the house. It’s his presence. The weight of him just being there. The steadiness. Knowing that he’s always a thought away from catching me if I fall.
“You could decorate.” I suggest, teasing gently. He actually laughs.
“I don’t think that would help. Besides, SOME of us have to follow rules. HR would notice if I hung fairy lights and put throw pillows everywhere.” He points out.
“Right. We can’t all hide in the basement.” I answer with a smile, but it slowly falls from my face. The thought makes me ache. I miss my office. My actual workspace. Is there a word for that? Officesick?
“I want to go back to work soon too.” I say.
“I mostly sit all day anyway. My ankle won’t be a huge issue.” I add contemplatively. Lukas is quiet. Too quiet. I can tell he isn’t thrilled by the idea.
“I suppose that’s true.” He says finally.
“I’ll give it a couple more days. See how I feel.” I add. Not wanting him to freak out too much. I’m not planning to go back tomorrow or anything. Lukas lets out a sigh, relieved.
“Okay.” He responds. There’s a pause.
“I should get back to it.” Lukas adds.
“Work’s been piling up while I was on leave. There’s a lot to get through.” He sounds frustrated. I can practically see him pacing his office, papers in neat stacks, everything off by a few degrees from where it should be. He’s a total workaholic most of the time. I bet he’s never been behind on work in his life. It’s probably driving him crazy trying to catch it all up.
“Are you planning to work late tonight?” I ask, trying to sound casual.
“Absolutely not.” His answer is immediate.
“I’ll be back right on time. I might bring my laptop and answer a few emails later, but…” He trails off, already distracted.
“Okay.” I say softly.
“I’ll see you later then. Have a good day.” I wrap up the call, knowing he has a lot to do.
“Bye” .He mumbles, already halfway back into whatever mountain of work is waiting for him. The call ends and the silence settles in again. I stare at the blank TV screen for a moment, hugging the blanket tighter. It’s not fear I’m feeling. Not exactly. Just this soft, creeping ache under my ribs. Because things are slowly returning to normal. And I can’t help but wonder, what happens to us when they do?
A week passes, and I fall into a strange kind of routine. It’s not bad, exactly. It’s just… Small. I see Lukas off in the mornings, watch too much TV during the day, and greet him like clockwork when he comes home. Rinse and repeat. Laura drops by now and then, sometimes with pastries, sometimes just to gossip, but for the most part, my world has shrunk to four walls, two animals, and one incredibly over attentive man who insists on carrying anything heavier than a mug whenever he’s around. And despite all the big declarations I made about going out, getting coffee, shopping, I haven’t done any of that. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just… A lot. Moving around is awkward and slow. My ankle makes everything a hassle, and I’m still not nearly as graceful on crutches as I pretend to be. Every little task takes longer than I expect it to, and it’s enough to make me feel miserable. But today? Today I push myself. I get dressed properly. I do my hair, my makeup. I even pick a dress I haven’t worn since before the whole disaster started, something soft, flowy, and bright. Then I gather my courage and my crutches and I leave the house. It’s awkward. Everything hurts. Doors are especially challenging, I can reach the handle, but then what? I can’t back up and pull it easily, and it turns into this ridiculous little one woman dance of swearing and stubbornness. But in the end, I make it. I go get my nails done. It’s something simple. Relaxing. Manageable. I COULD have done them myself at home, sure. But that wasn’t the point. The point was to be out. To be normal. To feel like a person again. When the appointment’s over and my nails are a shiny dusty rose pink, I snap a photo of them without thinking and text it to Lukas. No caption. No explanation. I don’t even know why I do it. It’s not like he particularly cares about my nails. But it feels like… Something. A tiny bit of happiness I want to share. His response is immediate.
Lukas- The colour suits you.
Lukas- Would you like me to pick you up on my way back?
I blink. Then check the time. It’s already close to when he finishes work. I hadn’t realised how late I’d left.
Clare- A ride would be great. Thanks.
I send him my location. It doesn’t take long before I see his car pull up. Lukas climbs out and comes around to help me in, his hands steady and sure as always.
“I miss my car.” I complain as he buckles me in.
“You can’t drive with your ankle like that.” He points out, calm as ever.
“I know, but still.” I sigh.
“Wanna help me shop for a new one later? The insurance finally came through. Eli helped a ton with the police report he wrote for me.” I add.
“Sure.” Lukas says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
When we get home, he helps me inside, sets my bag down, and heads out again to take Roxy for a walk before it gets dark. As I sit on the couch, I watch the door close behind him. And suddenly… I feel guilty. Roxy’s too big for this apartment. There’s no backyard. I’ve been healing, yes, but it’s obvious Lukas has been stretching himself thin. With work, walking the dog and looking after me. I have proven I can take care of myself. I managed to go out today. I made it home. I’m doing okay. So when he returns, the words just… Fall out.
“You know… You don’t have to stay here. You can go home if you want to.” I offer reluctantly. He looks at me. Eyes unreadable. Then he nods once, almost too easily.
“Okay.” He says simply. Something drops in my chest. I didn’t expect him to agree so fast. I definitely didn’t expect him to mean it. But then he grabs his keys, whistles for Roxy, and heads for the door.
“You’re leaving now?” I ask, stunned.
“Yeah.” He gives me a small, unreadable smile.
“I’ll see you soon, though.” He promises. Then he gives a little wave and walks straight out the front door.