A wave of nausea rolls through me, and my heart sinks like a stone in my chest. I feel HORRIBLE. And it doesn’t make any sense. I was… Kind of okay with the idea of Rowen killing Solem. Relieved, even. So why does it bother me so much to find out it was me? Maybe because it was so… Not easy exactly, but just so… Unintentional. Channeling my magic like that was definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I poured everything into it, scraped up whatever I had left inside me, not just my magic but every hint of strength I could find and then I funneled it through pure instinct. But I honestly didn’t mean to kill him. I didn’t even think I COULD.
“I wasn’t trying to kill him.” I say, my voice quiet.
“I just wanted him to leave us alone. I…” I hesitate, searching for the words.
“I can’t say I didn’t mean to hurt him. I was angry, and I thought… Maybe if it hurt, he’d back off. But I swear, I didn’t think I was capable of doing anything to seriously hurt him.” I say, my tone dripping with guilt. Lukas slips onto the edge of the bed beside me, his presence grounding. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me gently into his side.
“I know.” He says softly. And he does know, because he’s hearing every frantic, guilt laced thought running through my head. Rowen gives me a look that’s halfway between sympathy and admiration.
“It was self defense.” She says calmly.
“You had no way of knowing how it would turn out. But I’ll tell you one thing, that magic you did?” She lets out a low whistle.
“Terrifying.” She says, almost proudly. I cringe, immediately folding in on myself a little, but Lukas tightens his arm around me and shoots Rowen an angry glare. Rowen frowns, confused.
“What? That was a compliment.” She insists. Lukas doesn’t ease up, but Rowen sighs and continues.
“I mean it. You’re a very accomplished witch, Clare. The way you channeled your magic that way, without formal training, without focus stones or preparation… It was incredibly advanced. You work intuitively. That’s rare. And it’s impressive.” She explains. It’s ironic. I spend most of my life hoping someone would think I’m an accomplished witch. Doing my best, working my hardest. Now, one of the most powerful people I’ve met is telling me just that, and I hate it. I exhale slowly. I know that Rowen means well, but it’s really not helping.
“I’m not sure I want to be complimented on my ability to… Murder someone.” I tell her awkwardly. Rowen shrugs with practiced detachment.
“Murder requires intent. That was manslaughter at best. But if it’s really bothering you, think of it this way. How many lives did you save by doing what you did?” She asks. I’m silent for a moment until I realise she wants an actual answer. I bite my lip, considering.
“A few… Wren. Lukas. Myself… Whoever the people were that he was about to execute…” I trail off.
“It’s much more than that.” Rowen cuts in firmly.
“Hundreds, at least. People trapped in contracts they didn’t understand. People who would’ve been taken, twisted, used. Solem wasn’t going to stop. And now he has. So ask yourself, what would feel worse? Killing one person? Or letting him keep going and destroying endless people’s lives? By my math, you made the right choice.” She argues. I look down at my lap, letting her words settle in. I know she’s right. I know it logically. Morally, even practically. But my conscience doesn’t speak in numbers. It whispers in guilt and plays memories on repeat. It doesn’t tally lives, it just feels the weight of them. None of these arguments are making me feel any better.
“It hurts, and maybe it always will. But you made the decision you can live with.” Lukas murmurs into my hair, his voice low and steady. And that, that helps. Because he’s not telling me it was the right thing to do. He’s not telling me it was inevitable and that I had no other choice. He’s not telling me that I shouldn’t feel bad. He’s just telling me the truth. I made a choice. It hurts… And I’ll live with it. And all things considered… Things could be an awful lot worse.
Rowen stays quiet for a while. Maybe because she sees I need a moment to collect myself. Or maybe because the one time she looked like she might speak, Lukas shot her such an intense death glare that she thought better of it. Eventually, I sit up a little straighter. Lukas loosens his hold on me, still keeping his arm around my shoulders, but it doesn’t feel like I need him to hold me together anymore. I just… Like that he’s there.
“So…” Rowen says finally, voice lighter now, but with a weight beneath it.
“While you’ve been… Recovering, I was asked to investigate a rather massive magical event. One that was strong enough to eliminate a demon.” She looks at me meaningfully. I go still. Wait… She was asked to investigate… Me? Shit.
“What are you supposed to do with that kind of information?” Lukas asks, his tone carefully neutral but guarded.
“I’m SUPPOSED to investigate whoever was responsible.” She replies, lifting a shoulder in a casual shrug.
“If they’re dangerous, I’m meant to eliminate them. If not, they get added to a… Let’s call it a ‘watch list.’ So that other hunters know to keep an eye on them. Just in case.” She explains. I sigh heavily, sinking back against my pillows. Fantastic. First I killed someone and now I’m on a supernatural hit list.
“Supposed to?” Lukas presses, always looking for the loophole. I glance up at him, then at Rowen. She raises both eyebrows and offers an exaggerated shrug.
“Yes, supposed to.” She repeats.
“BUT… After looking into it… Well, it seems there was no single person to blame. A chaotic magical environment. A ritual interrupted. Demonic energy everywhere. It was all very messy. Very hard to trace.” She answers. Rowen’s gaze flicks to me, sharp and pointed, and I understand immediately. Obviously she knows it was me. But she’s not going to say it.
“So, I’m going to report it as a backfired demonic deal.” Rowen says smoothly.
“Magic turned inward. Classic situation where a demon took things too far. Tragic, but tidy.” She declares. I nod slowly, swallowing a tight knot of relief. No watchlist. Not officially. Though I have no doubt she’ll be keeping an eye on me. Still. It’s better than nothing.
“Thanks.” I whisper. Rowen gives me a small smile, the closest thing she ever gives to softness.
“This city’s my home too, I’d rather make friends than enemies. Especially since I won’t be travelling for a while. I’m staying here, investigating some of the other major players who chose to work with Solem. That’s going to be… Complicated.” She groans then glances at Lukas.
“Although, if a certain mind reader wanted to help out once in a while… I’m sure we could work something out.” She suggests. Lukas doesn’t reply. Just shrugs like someone who is deeply not committing to anything. But I know him well enough to see the flicker of consideration in his eyes. Rowen doesn’t push it.
“Think about it. A lot of innocent people got caught up in this.” She reminds him. I nod, then shift slightly, my ankle twinging.
“Speaking of innocent people…” I start. Rowen meets my gaze, already anticipating the next question.
“Lukas and I both have… Family. Who were involved. Sort of…” I trail off, but my meaning is clear. What’s she going to do about them? Rowen leans back against the wall, arms folded.
“Well, for Lukas’s family.” She starts.
“The main person who was wronged by them… Was Lukas. If he doesn’t want to press the issue, I’m happy to leave it as a family matter.” She suggests. She tilts her head at him.
“There’s precedent. Magical creatures have long lives. Family drama gets messy. If hunters intervened every time a family had a little spat… Well we would be even more hated than we are now.” She concludes. Lukas nods, maybe a little too fast.
“Yes. Please. I’ll… Handle them myself.” He answers.
“Done.” Rowen says easily. Then she turns to me.
“Clare. Your aunt destroyed property, but didn’t kill anyone. From what I’ve heard, your family’s already moving against her. I can step in, if you’d prefer, but…” Rowen pauses and I shake my head, offering a tired but genuine smile.
“I think Uncle Lance has it covered.” I conclude. Rowen inclines her head.
“Alright then. That about wraps it up.” Rowen says with a smile. She pushes off the wall, adjusting her jacket.
“But I should warn you, even if I don’t report you as the one who ended Solem… People talk. More than a few already know. You should be prepared for that.” She adds as she heads for the door. She flashes a cheerful wave over her shoulder. And then, just like that, she’s gone.