Chapter 16: Chapter Thirteen — Cinders

Opel:

I feel so light and carefree as I drift back to consciousness. I remember the lake in the sky, and the coolness after the burn. My breath returns to me effortlessly, as my lungs fill with the air as warm as sunshine. I’m still surrounded by coolness, my body afloat in the placid lake in the sky when a noise suddenly disturbs me. It sounds like hacking, a continuous knock, knock, knock of a sharp object cutting into something hard and hollow. My eyes flutter open in annoyance as the noise echoes, causing ripples in my placid lake of sleep.

“What the hell?” I croak.

But the noise doesn’t stop. As my eyes regain some sense of vision, I’m able to make out that I am in some dimly lit room. The light pours in from the glassless window, and a cool breeze blows over my skin. I’m only in my undergarments, covered by a thin sheet. I will kill whoever has done this to me. Then I recognize the thatch roof, the way the beams cross over in the corner of the room. Silver light flickers off the giant spider web right above me. The smell of wood and thatch are a familiar foe. The last time I was here, we had all been captured by Cyrus and his men, and for a fleeting moment I think I’m reliving the past.

I search for Aecker in the kitchen, the bathroom and behind the curtain. There is a large room with an untidy, huge bed in the middle. He is nowhere inside. So I head toward the noise coming from outside.

Ryder is asleep under a chair in a corner of the working area, her breathing is deep and harmonious, and her gray coat shiny in the rays of the night.

All the windows have been blown out and the room is drafty and slightly chilly. The wooden floors have been scorched from the explosion. A broken bucket is turned upside down in the sink. A heap of broken furniture is stacked next to a fire crackling in the far corner of the cottage. The wood bursts and pops as the heat devours it to nothing but ash. The dining room is a haze of warm, orange light.

The hacking stops and I head to the front door, the soles of my feet tender as I move across the room. I can make out each grain of wood as it pushes up against the soft pockets of my toes. As I reach for the handle, it swings open. I smile, expecting Aecker, imagining lumber thrown over his shoulder to add to the dying cinders. But, to my surprise it’s Noah.

Eyes wide, he takes in my expression. “Don’t scream,” he says.

I want to punch him in the face and run, but my mind tells me to keep calm and interrogate. “Where is Aecker? What did you do with him?” The memory of their fight comes back to me and with it the memories of my past, of me being a Tracker. Maybe Aecker handed me over to Noah.

“I didn’t do anything to him.” He scowls over his shoulder, puts the wood down on the kitchen counter, then dusts off his hands.

Still holding on to the sheet, I bend down and pull up the three-legged stool lying disregarded next to the front door. One leg comes loose in my hand.

“Seriously?” He smirks and holds up his vicious blade.

“What did you do with Aecker?” I want to believe he never gave me up. That me being a Tracker has not motivated him to abandon me.

“Nothing.”

I call for Aecker and start backing up toward the door so I can make a run for it. If Aecker is not here, I should not be, either.

Ryder wakes up, stretches her legs, arches her back and silently yawns.

“Again, seriously?” He chuckles. “You’re gonna make a run for it in nothing but a sheet? Little lamb.”

He moves closer and I raise the wooden pole over my head. “One more move, soldier boy, and I’ll nail you with this pole—right between the eyes.”

“You think Aecker would have left you with me if I was going to harm his special charm?”

“What are you talking about?” I am shouting now. This guy is infuriating.

“He left me to take care of you while he went off to rescue his brother.”

“Liar!”

“Am I?” He folds his arms across his chest, but his fingers are still firmly wrapped around the hilt of the blade. His eyes shift to my chest where I’m clutching the sheet tightly.

I smile. His gaze doesn’t hold any true threat, and I finally start to see through Noah’s barbwire defenses he has spun so tightly around himself. Behind the hatred in his eyes, I see the wounded boy.

I drop the sheet. “Where are my clothes, Noah?”

“Aecker washed your pants, but I’m afraid he took the jacket and his shirt because he will need them more out there.”

“Fine. Where are my pants, then?”

His eyes shift to the tiny bathroom.

I walk right up to him, and still he continues to stare at my body.

Think, Opel, think!

His fingers are white-knuckled over the blade. I reach for it and loosen his grip. I get real close to him, so close I can smell the fear and confusion on him, but it’s not the kind of fear one exudes when in danger―it’s the fear of an escaping secret. Taking the blade from him, I place it down on the counter beside me.

He swallows nervously. “What in heaven’s name are you up to?”

I get the feeling he isn’t quite sure how to react.

“Does Aecker know?” I grin.

“Does he know what?”

“You know...” I prompt. “I kind of figured you out.” My fingers reach for his beard, slowly twirling the tip between my fingers.

“Cut that out!” He shoves my hand away.

“Why? Do I make you nervous?”

“No.” He frowns.

My hand trails up his chest and over his shoulders. I hold him tight, lean in and whisper. “Well, I know your secret.”

“Get off me, Opel!”

I laugh, and taking a slight step back I lean my elbow on the counter.

“What is so funny?” he snaps.

“You called me, Opel.”

“Yeah, so?” He shrugs. “That is the name you chose for yourself, is it not?”

“Aecker finally broke through that thin crust of yours, did he?”

He grunts. “Get dressed, we need to go hunting.”

Walking past me, he grabs the blade from the table. “Come, girl,” he says to Ryder, then turns to look back up at me. “I am not attracted to you in the least. I have seen better,” he scoffs. “Does Aecker know what a tramp you are when he is not around?”

Casually, I make my way past him and turn, looping my hair around my finger. “I was just proving a point.” I walk to the bathroom, taking small steps backward. I aim a leering smile in his direction.

“Your point was not taken or made, so whatever illusion―”

“You, Noah, are the illusionist. There is nothing wrong with liking boys.” I wink, give him my back and disappear around the bathroom curtain, only to stick my head out again. “Don’t look so surprised, Noah, it was not hard to figure out.”

He has suddenly paled. “Of course, you would think that because a man turned you down he must be gay.”

“Stop right there. Why deny it? The more you try to keep it inside, the more it’s going to eat you up. Just admit it so we can all get over the anger issues you have.”

He stomps his foot. “I do not have anger issues!”

“So… you’ve never tried to kill me or Aecker?” I ask, peering around the curtain again.

“I was under orders.” He grunts, turning his face away.

I narrow my eyes. He seems ashamed of those orders now.

“Whose orders?” I ask.

“It doesn’t matter now.” He looks straight at me when he speaks. “I would never confide in you. Aecker might love you, but it does not make you any less of a threat to Cupola. The opposite in fact.”

I stop listening, trying to take in what he just said to me. Without a sound, I slip behind the curtain again, slide my pants on, and stare into my fractured reflection in the cracked mirror. I button up my pants, the material hard and tight but still stretchy. It smells like bleach, too. Noah’s words echo in my head. Bouncing around like a rogue racquetball, hitting against the sides―back and forth, desperately looking for a way out of the maze. I try to block it out.

It can’t be. It doesn’t exist anymore. Love is a chemical imbalance humans suffered before The War, and such flaws have been eradicated. Has he infected me? Do I have the imbalance now, too? It would explain so much about my recent weaknesses. But if it is a disease, a flaw in our genetic makeup, I don’t mind bearing it at all. I would rather have the defect than have no feelings at all.

I emerge from behind the curtain in deep thought. My mind swirls as I attempt to make sense of my world, it’s like the earth has been ripped out from under me, my feet dangling around in the nothingness with nowhere solid to land.

“Hey, you okay?” Noah moves closer, trying to hide the concern on his face. “You look ill. You’re not going to just opt out on me, are you? Because if you don’t come back this time …”

I smile. “Why would you care for a Tracker?”

“It’s not for you, it’s for Aecker’s sake.”

“It’s okay, I won’t tell him. It is not for me to spill your secrets.”

“What secrets?”

“I am an observer for a living. You didn’t think I’d have noticed by now?”

“Here you go again with your conspiracy crap. I am not the only one hiding a secret.”

“So, you do admit you are hiding something?”

“I am not the one hiding, Opel. You are. You are hiding from ST, from Cupola, from your fiancé… from your memories.”

“I swear you are so dumb sometimes,” I mumble. “I have no fiancé. It’s some kind of plot, misdirection.”

He firmly holds the blade next to his side and narrows his eyes on me. “For a Tracker, you are quite a mess. Now, let’s get dressed and get some food into you. Because I swear, if you die on me like you did on Aecker, I am afraid I won’t wait for you to reboot.”

“I am not going to die, Noah. I won’t give you that pleasure.”

***

I am in the bedroom now, opening up cupboards. They’re dusty and smell of stale, aging mold. I rummage through the doctor’s closet and find an old gray T-shirt. It has STO printed on it, but I don’t recognize the badge. Pulling it over my head, I realize it is way too long as it hangs past my knees. There are little fish moth holes along one side. I think of sticking my fingers in and ripping it along the midriff, giving me more room to move, but hesitate. I do that a lot since my memory loss, but now that most of it has returned, it actually gets my attention.

I suddenly feel divided, torn between two worlds. Aecker is the wall that separates the before and the after. And the thing that Noah said about him loving me? It cannot be true. Love died out. And he will be killed for it.

“What is taking you so long?” Noah huffs from the other side of the curtain.

“I’m coming.” I tie a knot in the side of the shirt. “It stinks in there. Like”—I gag—“Sweat and ass.” I gag again, coming out from behind the curtain.

“Oh, get over it.” He waves me off and heads for the door.

“By the way, Noah, my memories have returned.”

“All of them?”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I study him. “What importance is it to you anyway, what I can and cannot remember?”

“I am just curious, that is all. First you deny your very existence, now you’re accepting what you are? And I am supposed to be okay with that? For all I know, you’re on spy mode again, ready to take me out after I spill secrets of Cupola and the Emblazers’ regime.”

“I am not having this conversation with you. In fact, you might be Aecker’s cousin, but I am here for him, not you. Get out of my face before I hurt you.”

“Fine!” He turns to grab a black rope that’s hanging on the wall. “I assume, now that your memories have returned, you might be of some use on this hunt? Regardless, I need you close to me. I don’t trust you alone and plotting behind my back.”

“You need to get over yourself,” I snap. “Like I am the untrustworthy one.” I follow him out the door.

He slams it loudly behind him and smiles when he looks back at me. “You realize you don’t have shoes on, right?”

“Yes, of course.” I click my tongue. The truth is, I didn’t realize. And he was right, I am a mess. My mind won’t think straight. Any sensitive abilities I housed before as a Tracker suddenly seem buried deep down by all this emotional crap colliding inside me.

“Right.” He grins. “Just between you and me, Miss Thang, you are not all that. So don’t you ever try a stunt like the one you pulled inside, you hear me? I am not and never will be attracted to you.”

“Because you like boys,” I say again.

“Ugh. I really hate being with you!” He stomps off.

“The feeling is mutual.”

“Besides, that isn’t the reason why I’m not attracted to you.”

I lift my hands and shrug. “Fine, if you say so.” I smile. “But just between you and me, I am all that. That is my design, my purpose, and I am not ashamed of it anymore. I am accepting the facts and moving on. I am focused on getting Aecker and his brother back safely. I’ll be ecstatic when this is over, just so I don’t ever have to see your gross face again.”

“Well, in our world it is wrong. We call it cheating.”

“Cheating,” I repeat. “I never thought of it that way. I guess you can call my gorgeousness cheating, after all, I am genetically superior in every way. I have an advantage over Inborns.” As the words slip off my tongue, they feel wrong and unfamiliar to me.

“What? That’s not what I am talking about.”

Ryder disappears into the thicket, leaves and twigs rustling slightly as she leads the hunt.

“What do you mean?” I walk beside him as he picks up the pace into the bushes, curious as to how his world works. I stay silent in my confusing thoughts.

In the little time I have conversed with Inborns, I have come to realize that they are much more complex than I ever imagined. Sure, being a scout, an observer, a Tracker―I have had the fortune to study Inborns regularly, all my life, really. But the group from Cupola… they are different. Like those deer in the field; gentle at times, innocent and meek. They exude something graceful. Does this make them weak or powerful? Is this why ST is so threatened by them, because these specific humans carry traits worth admiring?

I think of Aecker, of how he makes me feel, and how I feel lost without him. Similar to the dying fire inside the cottage, my world without him will burn away to nothing but withering cinders until I turn into black, hardened coal.