Chapter 51: 37|Numb

"Yo." I looked up to see Felix removing his helmet and approaching me. Call me a people pusher, but the moment I saw him, I quickly stuffed my cleats in my bag and started walking away. Alex and Aiden were studying my every move but knew better than approaching me right now. However, Felix didn't notice this thing. "Whoa! What did I do? Why are you all cold suddenly? I even played nicely today!" he whined behind me. When I didn't stop, he grabbed my wrist and stopped me. "Astrid, come on! Get over it already. I am missing messing with you. It hurts to miss someone who is standing in front of you, you know." I averted my eyes as tears started building in them. I am so done at this point. All I want is cookie dough, divergent series and my bed. I no longer feel like I am just Astrid. I feel like I am the problem-magnet-Astrid. It sucks. "I don't want to talk right now-" "Bullshit. You desperately want to talk right now." He licked his lips and held my shoulder. "You were the one person who stood up for me despite hating me. You've been through a lot because of me and I am not letting you go through this alone." I looked up at him with glistening eyes. I almost caved in for a moment before I shook my head and removed his hands off my shoulder. "What I did for you, was out of pity. It doesn't mean anything to me, Brown. Get over it." And with this, I stormed away. Did I hurt him? Maybe. But it was definitely better than trusting him, only to watch him leave me. Pushing people away is far better than being pushed away. ~~~~~~~~~~ Loner. Absolute loner. Never thought that an empty heart could feel so heavy. Never thought that love could suffocate. Never thought that air could drown. Never thought that numbness could inflict pain. But here I am. I successfully managed to push away the people who didn't leave on their own. Crying my heart out to sleep is suddenly a daily thing. My love for food is suddenly disgust. My love for life is suddenly a burden. I feel so lifeless. Everyone I ever cared about is a stranger to me. I never felt so alone in my life. My brothers have decided to give me some space but that doesn't mean that I don't notice them keeping a watch over me. For the life of me, I can't understand why they are acting like this. If they think that it was a theft or kidnapping attempt then they are under danger too! Why am I feeling like they know something I don't? Actually screw that, everyone knows something that I don't. I licked my lips and with tired droopy eyes, I looked at Liam's window that seems to be eternally closed these days. My jaw clenched and heart squeezed painfully at the thought of my bestfriend betraying me. Anger. I felt anger at this thought. And actually, it felt better than being surrounded by clouds of gloom. With new found determination, I jumped out of my window and instead of knocking, I decided to barge in. I didn't care if it is 10 at night, I wanted answers to my question. Sliding his window open, I peeked in only to find his empty room. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion but then I heard the shower and knew that I will have to wait. Swinging myself, I tiptoed inside and made my way to his desk chair. I noticed the glow of his laptop and rolled my eyes as I saw that he was still working on demise of Kovorelle. This guy. I looked away but then my eyes widened and I looked back at the screen in horror. My heart broke piece by piece as I scrolled down and saw what he was actually writing in the file on Kovorelle. Suddenly it was hard to breath. My palms were clammy. I was sweating more than I sweat at soccer practises. My mouth was drier than Sahara desert and heart beat could beat a bullet train's speed. When I read the last page of the document, I couldn't help but let out a scream of horror as I fell back on ground along with chair. The shower immediately stopped and before I could compose myself, a half-naked Liam ran out, completely pale. He knew it. He knew it yet he didn't tell me. I looked at the fear in his eyes and I never felt so much helplessness, disgust and anger all at once. "A-Astrid, I-" "Save it." With a broken heart, I barged out of his window and he didn't even try to stop me. How could he do that? How could they do that? My head was spinning with questions as I went into auto pilot at hands of my anger. I quickly grabbed my skateboard and hit the road to Alex's house. Who the hell does he thinks he is?! How can he barge into my life and destroy it completely?! What does all of that means?! For once in my life, I hoped that Liam failed in his theory. I wiped my tears and threw my skateboard on pavement as I rounded towards Alex's front door. Not wanting to warn him before hand, I slid my bobby pin out and twisted it in his lock just like Asher taught me. Asher. My heart broke and I bit my lips to keep tears away. The moment I was able to pick the lock, whole house started blaring alarms and I jumped in fright as I remembered how Aiden yelled on me for learning something like this. Aiden. Clenching my fist tightly, I kicked open the door and didn't even flinch when I saw a stranger I used to know as Alex standing there with a gun pointed on my forehead. Instead, I laughed through tears. "T-Thank you for showing me that my vulnerability is my biggest flaw after all." He gulped with wide eyes. Eyes that I know by heart but still don't know a thing about. From the corner of my eyes, I saw Rose panicking and looking between two of us. "Shoot me." I stepped closer and he stepped back. "Kill me! Isn't that what you're here for?" "A-Astrid, I-" "Shut up!" I screamed. "We both know that it's a lie." I took a sharp breath. "Whatever Liam wrote, I don't believe it. You're here to kill me, that's what I know. So, congratulations to both of you, you may have failed to kill me but sure as hell did a great job in destroying me." I stepped back towards the door, not letting my eyes roam anywhere but the stranger's eyes. He stepped towards me but I held my hand up. "D-Don't." With this, I bit my lip to taste metallic of blood as I turned away just in time to let the tsunami of tears engulf and drown me. The two backstabbers were frozen in their place when I picked my skateboard with shaking hands and stepped on it with wobbly steps. There was this quote I read from Nikita Gill that said 'Its eerily terrifying that there is no sound when a heart breaks. Car accidents end with a bang, falling ends with a thud, even writing makes the scratching sound of pencil against paper. But the sound of a heart breaking is completely silent. Almost as through no one, not even the universe itself could create a sound for such devastation. Almost as though silence is the only way the universe could pay its respect to the sound of a heart falling apart.' This quote never hit me like it did right now. How? The sky thundered loudly and rain started drowning the silence of my devastated heart. The rustle of leaves, the wheezing of wind, every sound. Every sound mocked my numb silence. Every sound drove me to go back home just like birds do during dark but even the dark inside of me couldn't drive this swan home. Numbness did.