The price of a heart

The price of a heart

JESSICA’S POV

The door clicked softly as I shut it just behind me while I walked away from David. Her lips were no inches apart, so close that they almost touched each other but I retreated and that's why I was walking away.

The guilt stay tight and locked in inside of me.

My feet moved but my heart didn't follow. It cried to stay back, run back to hug him, kiss him and tell him I was with him no matter what but guilt gnawed at me as if mocking me as each step I took away from David felt like a rolling stone. It felt like I was tearing pages from a book I had not finished reading just because of my judgement.

I swallowed hard. I was torn in between decisions to stay in guilt or walk away. I was overwhelmed someone had died because of me yet I felt wrapped in love that David could kill someone just to make me smile.

But he failed. I didn't smile.

Instead, tears slipped down my cheeks as I walked slowly down the hallway. My hands trembled and my breathing became uneven, I curled my fingers just lightly around the blanket as I clutched it tight and cloth to my chest like some shielding armour.

I sat, head resting against the wall, mouth opened wide as the thought rang in my head almost like a conspiracy to the guilt I felt.

He killed me. Burned a man alive, tortured him and all that I saw in his eyes was pain not satisfaction, not even peace. It just laid there filled with pain. And you know what…

I caused it. I had put it there.

I threw the blanket off me as I locked my gaze to the mirror. I saw me — paled face and red rimmed eyes but my appearance was not ghosting like who I was from within.

I sat upright just till I faced the mirror, eyes fixed on my reflection.

Who was I? I was no longer the girl from the art gallery, I had become someone else.

I let someone die because of me and not only that. I looked into the eyes of who I loved and called him a villain.

Tears kept flowing and it was until when one dropped on my palm, I looked up. It had streamed down my neck from my whole face, my mascara had stained my eyes too.

I stood up and walked slowly to the bathroom, I opened the door and when I clicked it shut behind me, I rested on it as I exhaled sharply.

I snapped my eyes open and reached for the faucet, I turned it on and splashed the water on my face but it didn't wash anything away.

Although I could wash off the stains from my face, the guilt still pangs at me.

And so I resolved, — “no amount of water can wash off the blood hands didn't kill as it still caused death.“

I walked back into the bedroom, sat on the bed as I let my head rest on the wall. Nothing went on in my head but just the flying moments I had shared with David. The tenderness of the night bit into my skin making me cry even louder.

His gentle touches flashed to my eyes, the way he always stood between me and danger making sure he conquered the latter for me.

The rage that had flamed in his eyes when he found out about the rape and just now that he confessed, “since you came into my life, I never found peace.“

I turned him to a villain. To a fvcking monster!!!

He wasn't one to me. Never had he occured to me. But now, I made him one. He became a monster just for me and he didn't just kill Andre, he broke a part of himself in the process.

David never hurt weak people and now he did, I only saw every broken piece of him.

And so I wondered just if it was love that turned into destruction and shatters you both.

The way his voice cracked while he spoke to me echoed in my ears.

“You were never my weakness. You have been just my fvcking downfall.“

I felt tears well up in my eyes again, but this time, I didn't cry. I cried for him.

I took out my phone strolling up and down my contact list and once I saw the name — Victoria, a part of me was going to call and cry but I dropped the phone.

There was just no one to fix this.

We broke ourselves and if there was any mending to be made, it had to be us.

Night came. Hours passed, but I stayed awake. I sat near the window wrapping myself with the bed's duvet as the cold bit into my skin. I watched the sky turn from black to pale grey, I stayed till the light poured into the room, softening everything including my gaze but not my heart.

I loved him. But love should heal not wound. Love should mend not break and so I was scared. Scared of what we have become. Overnight?

What if I stayed?

I questioned myself. Does it even change anything?

But walking away. The thought alone killed me!! I loved him so much that I dared not even think of separation.

I opened the door to my room and walked towards David's. The morning was quiet and once I got to his bedroom door, I stood numb and confused on what to do. I hesitated for a while just at the door and once I raised my hands to knock, it always dropped.

Maybe he was asleep? Or drowning in guilt because of me?

My chest tightened making it almost difficult to inhale.

Maybe.. just maybe we have lost everything including us.

I pressed my ears to the door, all it breathed was silence. The kind of silence that made your heart clench and soul scream, and with just that
quiet, I knew —

Love didn't die. It never did. It just bled too much to breathe.