Chapter 3 Dating Website
I was gnawing on my nails like they were gourmet almonds while I stared down at the mountain of bills that grew bigger every day. Student loans, payday loans, rent, groceries, utilities...basically every adulting demon known to mankind.
Speaking of utilities... it was Larna's month to pay the light bill, at least I knew that would be taken care of. The girl was more organized than me.
"Shel, can you not bite your nails and spit them on me?" Alecia complained, swatting at the air like my nail chips were mosquitos. "And what's with the funeral face?"
"I'm trying to figure out how we're gonna pay our bills."
"Well, staring at them like they owe you money won't help."
"Making jokes won't help either," I snapped. "We need a plan. My credit is maxed out, my overdraft is crying, and I'm pretty sure my name is on a bail bond account somewhere."
I glanced over at Alecia, who was chewing the cap of her pen while she typed away on her laptop, the last surviving laptop in the apartment. I'd sold mine to pay rent last month. Larna sold hers the month before.
"I think," I said seriously, "you should sell your laptop."
Alecia gasped like I told her to hand over her firstborn and slammed the screen shut. "Absolutely not! I will get you my share. In fact..." She lifted her chin like she was about to give a presidential speech. "I think I might be able to cover all our expenses this month."
"Alecia... what did you do? Please, for the love of God, don't tell me you sold your virginity to another online creep again? Or wait! Are you selling our underwear on that weird subreddit again, because my good panties disappeared last time and I'm still not over it."
"No! I'm done sinking that low," she said, offended. "This is actually legit. Kind of. I met a guy online that I really dig. He said if I meet him at the Creatures of the Night concert this weekend, he'll give me ten thousand dollars."
My jaw dropped. "Ten thousand dollars? As in American dollars? Not Monopoly money?"
"American," she said proudly. "And it's not for free. I'm... selling him something."
My eyes slowly drifted to her crotch.
Alecia groaned. "NO. Not sex! I'm not selling my body."
"Then what the hell are you selling?"
She hesitated, then whispered, "He... wants to buy my pube hair."
There was a full five seconds of silence.
Then—
"JESUS CHRIST, ALECIA!"
"Don't act like I'm the only one that's desperate," Alecia said with a shrug.
"And how are you even supposed to meet this guy at the concert?" I asked. "You don't even have money to buy toothpaste, much less concert tickets."
"Well, my online buddy was supposed to send me some, but I didn't want to rely on him, so I tried to win them by being the lucky caller on the radio."
"You are something else."
"At least I'm trying something," she snapped. "Borrowing more loans on top of the loans we already owe doesn't seem too smart."
"And making black-market deals online is?" I yelled. "Ally, this is serious! What if he's a rapist and he kidnaps you and does terrible things to you?"
She giggled. "Will there be food at his lair? Because I'd go willingly if he has fried chicken and mashed potatoes."
I paused. "You don't take anything seriously. Is this guy even legit? Why hasn't he sent the tickets yet? Why are you still trying to win them on the radio?"
"He said there was an accident with a dog and the tickets were given as compensation."
"So basically a dog ate the tickets. You can't tell me you're really buying that."
"Maybe," she said. "But I don't know. I just... believe him."
"What does he even do?"
"He works with the Creatures of the Night band."
I blinked. "You mean the same rock band you're obsessed with? The one you practically worship?"
"I know it sounds too good to be true," she said. "But he knows things only crazy fans or people who work with them would know."
"And you don't think this guy is just a crazy fan with a fetish and a Google account?"
"Nope. I don't."
"Good God," I sighed. "You're impossible. Just please be careful." I stacked the bills neatly on the counter and stuck the envelope from the limo driver between my teeth.
Alecia yanked it from my mouth. "What's this?"
"No idea. Some guy almost ran me over and handed it to me."
"And we're still broke?" Alecia shrieked. "You didn't cry out for your spine or something? At least clutch your neck and demand a million dollars instead of suing him?"
"Ally, I'm fine. The car barely tapped me. My body just jerked out of fear of getting hit."
"That was a whole lawsuit you just threw away," she groaned. "Now I'm forced to sell my pussy hair to a serial killer with amazing music taste."
"But you just said—" I gave up mid-sentence. "How's Larna doing?"
"She's still hung up on Peter."
My chest tightened. "I feel bad for her. Imagine catching your fiancé cheating on you with his college coach."
"And Peter wasn't even the pitcher," Alecia added. "He was the catcher."
"Oh God." I winced. "Let's go check on her."
We walked down the hall to Larna's room. The door was half-open, and she was curled up on the bed like a sad cinnamon roll.
"Lala? You awake?" I asked softly.
"Hmmm," she sniffled.
My heart cracked a little. Unlike Alecia, she was actually quiet and sweet. She was more like me, except she'd lost her virginity to Peter and I was still over here a proud, untouched relic.
"That's it," Alecia announced. "No more moping around. The three of us are putting ourselves out there."
"But isn't that what you're always doing?" Larna asked. "I think you've put yourself out there enough for all three of us."
"I'm serious." Alecia grabbed her laptop. "I've been a part of this new dating site, and I've talked to people who swear it helped them find their soulmates."
"Ally, I'm not up for that," Larna sniffled.
"Come on! What could go wrong? I already found someone!"
"A guy who wants to pay ten grand for her vagina hair," I muttered.
"What?" Larna squeaked.
"Forget that minor detail," Ally said quickly. "Worst-case scenario, the guy's a creep but you get a free meal. Best-case scenario, you meet a sugar daddy who's old, rich, and dies conveniently right after you marry him, leaving you everything without ever having to sleep with him."
"I don't feel like getting trafficked," I said flatly.
"Me either," Larna echoed.
"Well, too bad," Alecia sang. "Because I already signed you both up yesterday... and guess what? You both got hits."