Chapter 114 Love Isn't Enough

Chapter 114 Love Isn't Enough

Raven

I stabilized myself before I fell to the ground. By the time I looked up again, Killian had lost his cool. He was pacing, dragging his feet heavily on the floor. The struggle on his face was real.

This is what happens when you carry something that painful for too long. Carrying a burden for years can be likened to putting a ship's anchor on your shoulders and sinking slowly to the bottom of the ocean.

I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him, especially after I lost my memories.

I figured out he hadn't forgiven me when I kept wondering why Killian couldn't just let go of what happened with Nero, and we both moved on.

Killian is normally possessive, and he is too obsessed with me to let me go. So a child wasn't what was putting us apart. It was the Unresolved past issues, the betrayals, and the hurt. You can't move forward with anybody if there is still something buried deep that hasn't been uprooted.

“Fine!!" He suddenly snapped. He stopped pacing and came to stand in front of me. “You want to know how I really feel?”

I took a step back, feeling the anger radiating from him. I don't want to get in the crossfire.

“It's hard … it's hard to look at you every day and not remember what you did to me!” He yelled, veins popping out of his neck.

My hands trembled, and I took another step back. It was my turn to force my eyes to the floor.

" I wasted five fucking years in that hellhole!” He picked up the vase on the table and slammed it on the wall. The shattered pieces flew in all directions, then he strode back to me.

He gripped my shoulders tightly, and I writhed. “ I should have been in college and graduated in another two years. We should have gone to college together, and we would have been together, but no….While I was suffering in prison, you fucking graduated, and I had to start all over! ” He yelled in my face.

“ I…I'm sorry!” I started crying because I couldn't imagine the pain and frustration he went through.

He let go of my shoulders and started pacing again, his hands actively looking for something to grab.

“I failed the exams twice because I had not studied for five years! I had to take classes all over again!” His voice echoed in the living room. He pulled out a frame on the wall and broke it in two.

“ Arghhhhh!!! Fuck” He groaned.

He snapped his eyes towards me again, rage in them. How did he manage to hide it all this time?“ And then when I finally got over all that, I found out you had married Viktor!”

He let out a pained laugh. It didn’t sound human. It was broken.

I stood there, frozen, my back brushing against the cold wall and my fingers curling into my palms as if that could somehow ground me. I didn't even realize I had stepped across the living room till I hit the wall.

Killian dragged a hand down his face, pacing again, faster this time, like he couldn’t stay still because the rage passing through his veins was fueling his movements.

“You married him!” he repeated, the word coming out like sharp blades. “You fucking married him!”

I swallowed hard.

The guilt was no longer just a feeling. It had weight and sat heavy in my chest, pressing down on my lungs until breathing felt hard.

“I locked in to get myself back to gather,” he continued, his voice rising again, “only to come out one day and see that you were getting married while I had been busy planning a future for the both of us!”

He kicked the leg of the table, and it scraped loudly across the floor. “ You moved on,” he added, quieter now, but somehow that made it worse. “ I was still sinking in that boat but….you just moved on so easily!”

My eyes burned; I couldn't look at him because if I did, I would see everything I had done to hurt him.

His voice cracked.” You moved on…. just like that" he whispered, shaking his head slowly, like he still couldn’t believe it. “Just like that.”

“I … I…didn’t remember, I already lost my memories at that time,” I muttered, my voice trembling, barely audible.

His head snapped toward me. “And that’s supposed to make it better?” he shot back.

“No….” I started, but the words got stuck in my throat.

Because what was I even going to say?....Sorry?

Sorry for destroying your life? Sorry for being the reason you went to prison? Sorry for forgetting you, while you remembered me every single day?

What apology could ever compensate for that?

“You know what the worst part was?” he continued, stepping closer again, his eyes locking onto mine fiercely.

I shook my head slowly, fear and dread twisting together inside me.

“It was Nero.”

My breath caught in my throat. What does Nero have to do with all this?

His jaw tightened, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "That bastard had everything that could put me back in prison.” Killian said, his voice dropping dangerously low. “He had a full clip of how I raped you.”

A chill ran down my spine, and my stomach lurched violently. I wanted to say he didn’t, but I swallowed the words.

“Anytime I tried to breathe,” Killian went on, his voice rising again, “anytime I thought I could move on, he reminded me.”

He laughed again, but this time it was hollow." ’I'll release it,’ he’d say. ‘I’ll show everyone what really happened.” He mimicked Nero's voice, or at least he tried to.

“He threatened to send it to the police,” Killian snapped. “He said he’d make sure I went back to prison and that he’d ruin me completely.”

My chest tightened painfully.

“I lived like that,” he continued, his voice trembling. “For years, Raven.”

“Do you have any idea what it’s like?” he demanded, stepping closer again, his eyes wild. “To wake up every day knowing that your worst moment, your most humiliating and violating moment…could be thrown into the world at any second?”

Tears spilled down my cheeks. I wish I could tell him that I don't consider it rape, I don't see him as such, but we both have different perspectives on the story.

“I didn’t know…” My voice broke.

“Of course you didn’t!” he gnarled.

The force of his voice made me flinch again.

“You didn’t know anything!” he continued. “Because you forgot! You got to forget, while I had to remember every fucking detail!”

His words hit like a blow, each one landing harder than the last. I pressed my back harder against the wall, wishing I could sink into it.

“I couldn't even—” He stopped abruptly, dragging in a sharp breath, running both hands through his hair. His shoulders rose and fell rapidly. “I couldn't even kiss you,” he said.

I blinked, my heart stuttering. "What?” I whispered.

“You think I didn’t want to kiss you?” he phrased.

I couldn’t speak.

Because I had wondered many times. Why would he stop? Why would he pull away? Why did something always seem to hold him back when it was clear in his eyes that he wanted to kiss me?

“My first time with you,” he started, “it wasn’t love. So, every time I try or get close to you like that, it all comes back.”

I shook my head, tears blurring my vision. I finally understand. “Oh....Killian..”

He then crouches to the floor, burying his face in his palm. I squatted beside him, wrapping my hands around him as far as they could go.

“ I didn't mean to… It's just… I feel so wronged and misunderstood. But despite it all, I still fucking love you.” He lifted his head to look at me, his orbs glistering.

My heart shattered at that moment because he looked so vulnerable.

“But… I’m scared,” he admitted. “Because what if it happens again? What if I give you everything… and you destroy me again? Or worse, Nero does?”

I couldn’t take it anymore. “I’m sorry,” I choked out, resting my head on his shoulders and squeezing his hand. My legs were giving out beneath me. “I’m so, so sorry…”

But even as I apologized, I knew it wasn't enough.

It would never be enough because we can't build a love on trauma and wounds. It has to heal first, or we would both destroy ourselves.

Killian hasn't healed. He had just been covering it up and adding more and more weight over the years.

What he needs now is space. Space away from me, from the past and the hurt and all the chaos.

He needs peace. And I love him too much to deprive him of that.