Chapter 41: Codename: Blackheart Chapter Forty-One

With slow movements, I approach the ice hole in front of me, taking in slow, deep breaths as I begin to regulate my heart rate. When your body goes into cold shock, panic hits almost immediately. That panic could kill me faster than the cold, so I need to stay calm. I crouch down, carefully sit on the edge of the ice, and submerge my feet. I continue to focus on my breathing as my body instinctively tries to gasp in air and yank my feet out of the water.

I take a moment to close my eyes, breathe, and tune out the sounds of the overenthusiastic crowd. As I feel my legs adjusting to the cold, I hold onto the edge of the ice hole and slowly begin submerging my body into the water. As the icy cold water hits my skin my heart begins to race and my breathing comes in short quick bursts; the cold reaching down to my bones. My body feels heavier, and I can feel its natural response of wanting to shut down to preserve energy, but that’s the last thing I need.

With my head still above the water, I take another minute to get control of my breathing and bring my heart rate back down. Slowly, I feel my body relax and adjust to the cold. Once I feel calm enough, I fill my lungs with air and submerge myself completely under the water. As the water soaks into my bodysuit I feel heavier; the now-soaked mask creating an immediate sense of claustrophobia. I imagine this is what being waterboarded feels like.

I force my eyes to open and feel the icy sting of the water assaulting my corneas, but I continue to focus on keeping my heart rate steady. I begin slowly swimming towards the other hole, keeping my movements small and gentle, knowing the more energy I exert, the faster I’ll lose oxygen. I continue to swim, using the bright strobes of the arena that are casting beams of light through the holes, as guides. The further I swim, the heavier my body feels and the harder it becomes for my limbs to make the actions required to swim. I force myself to exert more energy, knowing I’m doing so at the expense of my oxygen, but if I don’t, I’ll drown either way.

The moment I begin pushing harder, I feel my lungs start to burn as they begin their protest for air. I try to swim faster but it makes my lungs feel tighter, like being crushed by a python, and against all my efforts, my mouth opens, and I begin to gasp in water. The burning in my lungs intensifies and full-blown panic starts to set in as I fight to reach the one spot that will provide me with air. My vision turns blurry, and I can’t see where I’m swimming any longer. My lungs constrict and my heart is beating so fast it hurts. My hands are struggling to pull my body forward, and just as I think I’m officially about to drown to death, my hand breaks through the surface of the water. I feel for the edge of the ice, and with all the strength I can muster, I pull myself towards the opening.

My head breaks through the water and I can feel the sting as the air hits me. With weak and shaky limbs I pull myself out of the water and begin coughing and choking as my lungs try to expel the water inside them. As I lay on the ice; my body shivering beyond my control, I rip the mask from my face. It’s enough to make it easier to breathe, but breathing comes at a price. My throat feels like I’ve swallowed glass, and my lungs continue to burn and ache as I continue coughing to the point I expect my lungs to fly out of my mouth at any minute.

A cacophony of cheering and an announcement being made turns to mush in my ears as it is replaced by the sound of my own pounding heartbeats. I lay on the ice, feeling the nerves in my body shutting down. I want to move. I need to move, but I can’t. I’m freezing, I’m tired and everything hurts. I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep.

Desperate for rest, I close my eyes, fully prepared to welcome sleep, but just as I can feel that peaceful feeling coming over me, a voice in the back of my mind tells me to get up. This can’t be how my story ends. I can’t have gone through hell to just give up like this. If I give up now, I’d make a lot of people very happy. People who hope and pray for my death would rejoice. Call me a bitch, but I am not letting that shit happen.

I don’t know where I pull the strength from, but I force my eyes open and command my body to move. I’m not paralysed, I have the use of my limbs, I just have to tell them what to do by force. With great effort, and extreme pain, I pull myself up into a sitting position, keeping my head down to conceal it from the crowd, and with shaky, shivering hands, I pull my headpiece back on. It’s torn, and soaking wet, but I’m not dying on a technicality.

I crawl off of the ice and exert all my energy trying to stand up. My breathing is laboured and feels like I’m breathing in razor blades, and I can’t stop shivering, but I have to keep going. In front of me is the rock climbing wall, and at the sight of it, my muscles lock up and beg me not to do this, but what choice do I have?

With staggering steps, I move towards the wall, place my hand on one of the bulges, and position my foot on another. Sinking my teeth into the flesh of my lips, I begin pulling myself up the wall. I have to force myself to use all the speed I have because moving slowly will only cause fatigue. I pull myself from bulge to bulge, my muscles screaming for me to stop as they throb and cramp painfully. Just a few more moves and I can climb over. But when are things ever that easy?

Just as I reach out, grabbing one of the bulges closest to the top, something on the bulge causes my hand to slip. I grip the wall with one hand and scream in pain as I feel the stitches across my palm split open. Instinctively my hand wants to let go of the wall, but I double down and grip on tighter. I feel the blood spreading across my hand as I groan through the pain. I grip on tighter, readjust my footing and look at the bulge I reached for. There’s some type of oil coating the final row of bulges. The only thing fuelling me now is the image of making Hexton suffer for this.

I hold onto the safe bulges that haven’t been tampered with and begin moving my feet into better positions. With my hands injured and wet, I’ll slip right off if I try to grab those things, so my only option is to try and throw my leg over and hope to whatever gods are out there that I don’t fall. I take deep breaths and wince from the agony that causes me, and as I block out the throbbing in my palm, I use all my strength to throw my leg up and hook my ankle over the wall. I then pull myself up, and by some miracle, manage to pull my body to the top.

I’m panting and everything hurts, but a glance at the jumbotron tells me I have thirteen minutes left on the clock. I gather myself and once again remind myself this is mind over matter, even though I very much mind and this very much fucking matters. I reach out, wrapping my body around the nearby pole and slide down, and as soon as my feet hit the ground I’m suddenly aware of heat. Overwhelming, scorching heat. I’ve just gone from extreme cold to extreme heat. I’ll be shocked if I don’t have a heart attack.

In front of me is a long, ten-meter metal beam, but the distorted air around the beam is enough to tell me this thing is going to be the equivalent of walking on hot coals. Running across seems to be my only option. I step closer to the beam and as I do, I hear mechanical sounds, and my heart instantly sinks.

“You didn’t think it would be that easy, did you?” Hexton’s voice reverberates around the arena. Easy? He thinks this has been easy?! Is he fucking insane?!

I watch as the ground beneath the beam retracts open revealing a deep pit beneath and as I glance down, I see large metal spikes pointed up towards me. So, I have to walk across a scolding beam and if I fall I’m going to look like I had a nasty encounter with Vlad the Impaler. Like this day couldn’t get any better.

I stare at the beam as its waves of heat taunt me with their promise of pain, and I know in this moment I have to choose pain to survive. Life is pain, but this takes it to a whole other level.

I mentally psyche myself up and place one foot on the beam. I hear the sizzle as my waterlogged bodysuit connects with the scorching metal and within seconds all I’m feeling is unbearable fire burning through my foot. I clench my hands into fists and feel my fingers dig into the gashes on my palms as I take my second step onto the beam. I dig my teeth into my lip again and the metallic taste of blood fills my mouth as I bite hard enough to break through the skin, all in an attempt to not scream.

I proceed with one step after another, trying to call on every meditative trick I’ve ever learned, but my body is too overwhelmed by pain and exhaustion and the drastic shifts in temperature, for me to even begin to mentally block out the pain. I groan through my teeth as the scorching heat spreads deeper through my feet.

Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot.

I continue with slow, agonised steps until the pain becomes so overwhelming that I can’t keep it in anymore. The moment my foot connects with the beam for my next step, a blood-curdling scream erupts from me, almost perforating my eardrums. But when I screamed, I swear there was the briefest moment where the pain eased, and so I decide, fuck it. They want me in pain, and I want this over with. There’s no way to keep up the façade of acting tough at a time like this. I have to sacrifice what little dignity I have in order to make it through, and so I continue to scream.

With every step I take, I scream louder, the sound of my voice piercing the arena. I scream my throat and soul raw as the fires of hell lick at my feet promising to turn me to ash. I’m not paying attention to my surroundings, so I only become aware of no longer being on the beam when I feel my body hit something hard and solid. Tears are pouring down my soaked and covered face, every bone and muscle is throbbing, my hands are throbbing and stinging, and my feet feel burned to the bone. The scalding sting and burning sensations radiate through my feet as I writhe on the ground in absolute agony and amidst this pain is a sudden thought that my family had to watch every single moment. My pain was physical, but theirs was emotional, and now my heart breaks knowing they had to see me like this.

I sob and I wail, writhing in pain like if I keep moving it’ll keep the pain at bay, but it doesn’t. It all becomes too much for my mind and body to take and with more relief than I can describe, I feel myself slip into blissful unconsciousness.