Chapter 38: Twenty Six

11:16 AM The stairwell is empty, and my sobs echo from the walls. They sound like screams to my ears. I fold my arms around my knees and hide my face in the cage of limbs. My chest constricts and I wonder if this is what it feels like when a heart shatters. It's hard to catch my breath-no matter how hard I try, I can't get enough air into my lungs. The distinct sound of heels on the pavement brings my breathing to a halt. Until her voice pierces the air. I've heard it enough to make the distinction. Madeline. The clicking of the heels stop and even though I haven't raised my head from its prison, I know she's standing directly in front of me. "Lola?" Pull it together, I tell myself. I raise my eyes to hers and know immediately trying to pretend everything is okay is a useless endeavour. I don't say hi. I don't say I'm fine. I don't say anything at all. I'm pathetic. Madeline drops her bag from her shoulder and begins to root through it, to retrieve tissues. Uninvited, she sits down next to me, hands me some kleenex and rests her hand on my knee. This simple gesture unleashes waterworks so fierce, I scare myself. Madeline doesn't utter a word and that is just as scary. I don't know how long I cry but it's long enough to feel like I've expelled my soul. When I have no tears left Madeline puts her hand on my back. "Come with me," she says. "I have just the thing to make you feel better." Unless she has Madame Zena's crystal fucking ball, there's no way she's going to make me feel better. Regardless, I stand and wait for her to lead the way. I follow her up the stairs, past Xavier's floor and up two more. Madeline fishes keys out of her bag and inserts them into the door of apartment 4320. "My father owns this apartment. Normally we'd have renters but he lets me stay here rent free as long as I keep my grades up." I want to reply to her but I cannot summon any words. They left with my tears. I follow her inside. It's smaller than X's apartment but the door opens to a living room. Two small sized black couches decorated with white pillows flank either side of a cherry wood coffee table. A pint sized kitchen is to the left and a hallway which I assume leads to bedroom and bathroom on the right. Madeline sweeps her arm across the space. "Sit. Make yourself comfortable." I slip my shoes off and pad across the plush carpet to the couch. She heads to the kitchen and begins to fill a kettle. "My Oma always said a good cup of tea can turn any problem into a situation." She grabs two teacups from one of the cupboards and a tin of loose tea leaves which she sets into two mesh balls before dropping them into the cups. I search through my brain for something, anything to say. "I didn't know you lived in the same building as Xavier." "Yeah," she said. "Me neither until last semester when I ran into him hauling groceries up the stairs." When the tea is ready, she carefully brings the two cups to the living room and deposits one in front me. It's taken me a lot to warm up to Madeline Mason, and I wouldn't exactly say she's going to be my new best friend, but the look of concern on her face is genuine. No doubt about it. "You okay?" I shake my head. "No." "Do you want to talk about it?" I don't but I do. I can't keep it bottled inside and up until an hour ago, I had a best friend. What is Xavier to me now? "It's a really long story." "No pressure," Madeline says. "But I'm here if you need a sounding board." I look at her. Madeline is pretty in an unconventional sort of way. Her hair falls in waves and frames a face with has a slightly upturned nose, and big doe-like eyes. I take a sip of the tea. "Do you believe the universe has the power to make magic things actually happen?" She nods. "Sure. My Oma was psychic. I don't care what anyone says, that stuff is real." "Your Oma talked to dead people?" "That's a medium," Madeline says. "Oma would speak to spirit guides and ask about the future." Future. I hate that word today. "Any chance your Oma is still around?" Madeline shakes her head and proceeds to make the sign of the cross over her chest. "She passed away last year, God rest her soul. But she's still around in a spiritual sense." I can't pretend anymore. I don't know if I should trust her, but there are zero warning signs that I can't. I don't have the feeling of impending doom, I don't have sweaty palms or a nervous stomach. "Xavier bought me a cupcake from a palm reader on my birthday. I wished for someone to love me. The next day, Jackson literally materialized out of nowhere claiming that he's the greatest love of my life from the future. My husband. From the future." Madeline's jaw drops into a perfect o before turning upward into a smile. "Oh my God. You do know how insanely romantic that sounds, right?" Leave it to Madeline. I was expecting 'you're insane' or 'that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard' not 'that is insanely romantic.' I nod. "Thing is, I wished for a love so deep it hurt. Naturally when he showed up in my dorm, I told him to get off the drugs he was on and get out. He left and I got sick. Really sick." I can't believe I'm telling her this. "That night at the party," she recalls. "Yeah. And when he's around I feel fine. Not to mention he knew things about me he couldn't possibly know." She sets her teacup on the table. "Okay how is this a problem? You're living a fantasy right now. Regardless of if it is indeed humanly possible to time travel or whatever, even if he's just some crazy hot boy, it takes one look to see that he worships the ground you walk on." I'm surprised that my time-traveling-future-husband-revelation doesn't have more of an effect on her. We're conversing as though we're talking about a crazy sale at the mall, but I'm desperate to get this off of my chest. "Right." "Do you love him like that?" "More than I could have ever imagined." "You're so lucky," she gushes. "No," I say, "I'm not. Xavier has chosen now as the time to reveal that he thinks I should be with him." The smile vanishes from Madeline's face. "Oh," she says sullenly, "I see where there is a problem." "The tea is good but it's definitely a problem and not a situation." "Do you love X?" "'Course I do." "The way he loves you?" "I don't know. I don't think so. To be honest the thought has never entered my mind." "Not once?" "Not a single time." "I find that hard to believe, I mean, look at him." I wave my arms across my body. "That's just it. Look at both of them. They're gorgeous. Jackson is bold and brave and confident. He brings me to life. Xavier is the kind of guy who would give me the shirt off of his back, loyal to the bitter end. They're both amazing." "A love triangle of the highest calibre." "I know." "So, what are you going to do?" "That's just it. I have no idea. Jackson got real cryptic last night. I feel like he's hiding something." "What could he be hiding?" I shrug. "Your guess is as good as mine." Madeline sits in silence for a moment then blinks. "What about the palm reader?" "What about her?" "Go back to the palm reader." "I did." "When?" "When Jackson showed up proclaiming to love me." "And?" "And it was useless. She told me to let myself love him." "That's it?" "That's it." "That's bullshit." "Tell me about it." She straightens. "You need to go back. You need to demand answers." "About Jackson?" "No, about your future. Should you be with Xavier or Jackson?" My heart hammers in protest at Madeline's bold statement. Jackson. Jackson. Jackson. Each beat says Jackson. "What if she doesn't give me any answers?" "What if she does?" Good point. "I think you should wait until tomorrow," Madeline says. "I can see auras. Yours is all over the place. It might throw things off." She's crazy. I think I love her. "Would you come with me?" She looks like I've just proposed. "I would love to." As we finish our tea, I'll admit, I feel about a thousand times better than before. Madeline may not be able to replace Xavier on the best friend list--in fact I'm sure no one could do that-- but it feels amazing to not be saddled with a secret so absurd, it belongs in the pages of a book. I finish my tea, thank Madeline profusely and exchange cell phone numbers so we can team up on Zena tomorrow. I head to the dorm, which is once again empty. Seems to be pretty standard these days. I plug my phone in and lay down on my own bed for the first time in what feels like forever. I close my eyes and fall asleep. I wake several hours later to a pounding at my door and I'm instantly grumpy. I hate waking up on a good day. Waking up something so demanding sets me in a foul mood. "Hang on!" I yell. "Angel?" My anger disappears. I trudge to the door and swing it open to see Jax. His hair is a dishevelled mess and he has large, dark circles under his eyes. I scowl. "Jackson, my God, are you okay?" I let out a breath it seems like he's been holding for far too long. He doesn't say anything. He just steps into the apartment and wraps his arms around me. "Better now." I wrap my hands around his waist, suffering from intense amounts of guilt. I should tell him about Xavier. I should blurt it out but something tells me now is not the right time. "Lola," Jackson whispers. "What?" "Don't let go."