Chapter 173: Chapter 173

"Your uncles would love to have you around."

I check the clasps on Snuggles cage to make sure they're secure before I can load her up into the backseat of my Jeep.

"I might just take you up on that. Let's see how the summer goes, okay?" I'm not sure if Toren still wants me working at his shop when Gretchen leaves. I guess I'll cross that bridge later after things settle down.

"Good enough. I just want you to know, I don't want you to move out. I know a lot of kids your age want to get out on their own and get their own place or live with their friends, but I like having you here with me."

He walks over to the rabbit cage and peers in, poking his finger through the bars to pet her, then turns back to face me, and the desperation in his eyes tugs at my heart.

"I can work on giving you more space and not prying into your life, and I could hire a builder and section off part of the house so you have your own apartment. This place is big enough to do that, we have rooms we don't even use. Your Mom thought we'd have more kids someday..." His voice trails off, and his hand goes up to finger the tarnished silver skeleton key that hangs around his neck on a thick strand of leather. He never takes it off because it was hers.

"Whatever you want, I'll do it."

"Daddy..." I won't barter with my father's love. I refuse to demand things for myself in exchange for companionship and security for him.

"You don't have to do any of that. You don't bother me, you're not even home much. Trust me, I'm not in any hurry to move out."

"Good. I don't want too much to change, ya know," he swallows and meets my eyes. "I have a good feeling...about your Mom. She would want you here when she comes home. Think of all the things you can tell her—"

Counting to five, I try to level my voice.

"Dad," I say sternly. "Mom isn't coming home."

We stare at each other, and I watch him fight to keep his hope alive, and damn it hurts so bad. I've stood in denial with him for years. I've refused to talk about her and what happened. I've lived in limbo with him because it seemed like the easiest way to cope with the tragedy of what happened to her. Even now, after years have passed, I still can't say the words, and neither can he. So much power hides in words, and once you speak them, you give them life, and you have to accept the truth that comes with them.

Hiding from the facts guarded my sanity for a long time, but now that I'm getting older, I know I can't run from it forever, and neither can he. It's just not right.

"I think she will," he replies, his voice soft and determined. "Having faith and love can work miracles, Kyra. If I've taught you nothing else, please believe in that. We can't give up on her."

I chew my fingernail, swallowing back all the things I should be saying right now to bring my father back down to reality, but I can't do it to him.

Who am I to smash his hopes about the love of his life? Maybe he's right, and love and faith really can defy mounting facts that point to the opposite of what we want to believe.

"I won't give up, Dad. I promise." But honestly, what I really mean is that I won't give up on my faith in him.

Hefting up the rabbit cage in his muscular arms, a smile spreads across his face, and all I can think is that I want a man to love me someday like my Dad loves my Mom. That unconditional, no-matter-what, I will fuck with anything that tries to get in my path type of love. I hope wherever my Mom is, she knows how deeply he loves her, how he refuses to give up on her or stray from their commitment for any reason. I hope that makes her fight just as hard as he is.

"Let's get you two loaded up and on your way," he winks at me as he carefully carries my rabbit out to the hallway.

\---

I need to do a lot of serious soul searching this summer and sort out my feelings, and not just about the whirlwind of new emotions Toren has awakened in me. Obviously, I can't live with my father forever, and I'm worried the longer I stay with him, the harder it will be to ever leave him if my Mother doesn't come back like he believes she will. I'm afraid we're totally enabling each other, and not really moving on with our lives. We're going through the motions, waiting for something to happen that may never happen. How can that be good for either of us?

\---

It takes me a little over three hours to get to Aunt Katherine's house because I felt like I had to stop at every single rest stop to use the bathroom, whether I really had to go or not. I kept worrying that if I didn't stop, I'd have to pee a few miles down the road and wouldn't be able to find another rest area.

Total new driver struggles.

Driving slowly with the bunny in the back seat, even though my father rigged the seatbelt around her cage to keep her from sliding around back there, seemed like the best thing to do. I wasn't exactly in a rush, and listening to my favorite music while I drove, belting out lyrics in a voice that would make my father cringe in horror, puts me in a good mood.

Having my own car, and driving someplace entirely alone is giving me a new sense of freedom and independence. I can feel the stress leaving me with each passing mile. Maybe Tor is right; I really did need to get away to clear my head. Maybe I've clung to him in ways I shouldn't have and misread my own feelings for him. Hopefully, the time apart will help us figure it out so we can go back to being normal again.