Chapter 88 REFUSAL
SEBASTIAN'S POV
“No.”
The word tears out of me before I even realize I’m speaking.
The Alpha’s brow lifts in curiosity.
“I am not some… some curse,” I say a bit louder now. “I am not a vessel, I am not a relic or a weapon or whatever ancient horror story you’ve decided to project onto me.”
Inside me, Alisander shifts with concern.
“Sebastian–”
“No.” I slam the mental door right in Alisander's face. “You don’t get to hide away now.”
There's silence and heavy staring from the stranger.
“I am not something to be controlled,” I continue, my voice shaking but rising anyway in anger.
“And I am not going to stand here while you talk about me like I’m a problem to be solved.”
The Alpha studies me, not offended but just… attentive.
That almost makes me feel worse.
“And you,” I snap internally, turning on Alisander, “you don’t get to decide what I can or cannot handle anymore.”
He stills inside my mind and for the first time since he appeared in my life, he has no immediate reply or snarky response for me.
“You kept this from me,” I continued, my thoughts jagged and scattered. “You actually let me believe I was weak. You let me think Ragnar chose you.”
“That is not true Sebastian,” he says quietly.
“Then why didn’t you tell me?” My chest tightens. “Why didn’t you trust me with my own life?”
His silence is answer enough.
Rage floods through me like cold ice in my lungs.
“You don’t get to lie and say you just wanted to protect me by lying,” I say. “You don’t get to decide what breaks me or what I can't handle.”
The Alpha’s gaze flickers between my eyes like he can see the war inside of my skull.
“Little wolf,” he murmurs, “this is not the time–”
“I didn’t ask for commentary,” I snapped back, cutting him short.
And for the first time since all this nightmare began, the Alpha actually looks a bit… taken aback.
Good.
Let him be flabbergasted.
“I am done being the last to know what lives inside my own skin,” I say, my voice low and shaking. “ And I am done being ‘handled’ or taken care of.”
Inside me, Alisander’s presence tightens.
And I feel it.
He's not angry or defensive, he's just… hurt.
It slices me deeper than I expect but I don’t stop.
“You don’t get to decide what I can handle anymore Alisander,” I whisper.
The words hang between us as it is my final warning to him
The forest feels too small and too close as I'm done. I can almost feel staring and wolves eyes on my skin.
I push myself to my feet with mud dripping from my palms as my knees start trembling but hold.
The Alpha rises with me too but slower and deliberate, like he’s giving me space he knows I’ll take anyway.
“Where are you going?” he asks me.
“Away,” I say.
I need to be away from here ASAP.
I need to be away from him and if I could, I need space to go away from Alisander too.
“You know you cannot outrun this little wolf,” he warns.
“Well just watch me try.”
He reaches out not to grab me, but just to stop me.
That’s enough for my retaliation.
I shove him away hard.
It’s not graceful or anything powerful, but it takes him by surprise as I see him flinch a bit.
He doesn’t fall or even barely move from his position.
Fucking Alpha's superiorstrength.
He barely moves away from the same spot, but he lets me go and that is much worse as I tremble and nearly end up back on the ground.
I stumble past him with branches clawing at my arms and my breath tearing from my lungs in ragged short bursts.
“Sebastian,” Alisander calls out mentally.
I ignore him.
“Sebastian, you are only exposing yourself in this manner.”
“I was freaking exposed the moment you decided I wasn’t worth to know the truth!” I fire back.
Silence.
That's better.
My heart is pounding like it’s trying to escape my ribcage as leaves start slapping against my face.
I don’t know where the hell I’m going but I just know that I cannot stay in this same spot any longer.
Behind me, the forest swallows up the Alpha’s scent as I continue going forward.
Ahead of me, the world feels terrifyingly wide and quiet.
“Stop,” Alisander says. “You are being and acting reckless.”
“I am being free,” I snap.
“That is not freedom. That is just pure panic.”
“Then let me panic in peace!”
The words tear out of me raw and ugly.
“I am allowed to panic and I am allowed to be angry damnit! After all, I was allowed to not understand what the hell is happening to me!”
My voice echoes through the trees as I startle a flock of scattering birds.
And in that silence, for the first time, Alisander does not correct me or say anything after that.
I don’t realize I’m crying until I taste the salt in my lips.
I don’t even realize I’ve stopped running and I'm staying in the same spot until my legs refuse to move any further.
I can feel it in my chest that the bond is straining until it hurts in my chest.
It starts as a faint pull in my chest as if a thread is being pulled.
I can feel a distant, familiar presence brushing the edge of my awareness from the mate bond.
Ragnar.
Relief slams into me so hard that I can feel my knees nearly give out.
He’s there, searching for me.
Sebastian.
The sound of his voice in the bond is faint and really low like hearing someone call out through water.
But I don’t answer.
I can’t.
Because if I do, he’ll come.
My throat tightens at the thought of seeing Ragnar in this state and frame of mind
And I don’t know if I’m ready to see his face and wonder which parts of me he chose… and which parts he tolerated just because of it.
Where are you? he demands, the bond pulsing with urgency down to me.
The connection flickers for a bit before I can realize what I'm actually feeling.
He can actually feel my distress. The bond has progressed so quickly during this short period of time that we can already feel to an extent what the other person is feeling.
He just can’t find me.
“Answer him,” Alisander says to me quietly.
“No.”
“You are hurting him.”
“I am hurting,” I shoot back. “Does that count as hurt?”
Silence.
The bond pulls again at me, stronger this time as I see images flicker in my head.
He knows where I am.