Chapter 243
Casper's POV
The amber liquid catches the dim light of Moonrise Den, and for half a second—just half a goddamn second—I let myself smile. The burn sliding down my throat feels almost good. Almost like feeling something other than this fucking emptiness.
"Another," I say, pushing the empty glass toward Dorian.
The bartender—some ancient fae who's seen too much shit to be impressed by a broken wolf—raises one elegant eyebrow. "That's your seventh, Thornwood."
"Is it?" I lean forward, letting hope flicker in my eyes as I watch him reach for the bottle. Hope that maybe, just maybe, this one will finally make me forget her vanilla scent. Her laugh. The way she'd bite her lip when— "Then I'm not nearly done."
Dorian pours. Smart fae.
I'm raising the glass when his scent hits me. Pine and cold metal. My twin. My fucking conscience.
"Well, well." Cassian's voice drips with sarcasm as he slides onto the stool next to me. "Another productive day, I see."
I don't look at him. Can't. Because if I do, I'll see the same exhaustion in his ice-blue eyes that's eating me alive from the inside. "She back yet?"
The question comes out rougher than I intended. Raw. Desperate.
"No." Cassian's hand shoots out, pushing my drink away. "She's not."
Something snaps.
I grab the bottle—fuck the glass—and drink straight from it. The whiskey burns, but not enough. Never enough. "Then I'm just getting started, brother." I slam the bottle down, amber liquid sloshing. "Either join me... or get the hell out."
Leo stirs in my chest, a low rumble of agreement. My hell-hound knows. We're drowning, and we don't want to be saved.
Cassian doesn't leave. Of course he doesn't. Mr. Responsible. Mr. I'll-Fix-Everything.
"Have you seen Sarah today?"
The name makes my lip curl. I take another swig before answering. "No." The word comes out cold, flat. Just like she used to say it when she was pissed at me. When she still cared enough to be pissed.
Fuck.
"You promised to take her shopping," Cassian continues, and I can hear the barely restrained frustration in his voice. "For the ball next week. Remember?"
"I promised a lot of things." The bottle feels heavy in my hands. Heavy like the weight in my chest. "I promised to love Elowen until death. I promised to protect her. I promised—" My voice cracks. "Guess I'm just really fucking good at breaking promises."
I finally look at him. Really look. And shit... when did my brother get so old? There are shadows under his eyes I've never seen before. New lines around his mouth. He looks like he's aged five years in six months.
Good. He should suffer too.
"You could take her," I say, gesturing with the bottle. "Sarah, I mean. Take her shopping. Use the pack credit card. Buy her something expensive and shiny. Isn't that what gold-diggers want?"
"Casper—"
"What?" I laugh, but there's no humor in it. "You want to talk about our fake mate? The woman we're pretending to choose while our real one—while she—" I can't finish. Can't say her name without breaking completely.
Cassian's jaw tightens. "I miss her too, you know."
"Do you?" The words come out sharp, accusatory. "Because you seem to be handling this just fine. Going to meetings. Making decisions. Playing the good little future Alpha while I'm here drowning in—"
"I miss her so goddamn much I can barely breathe!" Cassian roars, and suddenly there's a bottle flying past my head, shattering against the wall behind the bar.
The entire bar goes silent.
"Gentlemen." Dorian's voice cuts through the tension like a blade. "Club rules. No fighting. No breaking shit." His purple eyes flash with ancient power. "You want to kill each other, do it outside."
Cassian's breathing hard, his wolf Zero clearly pushing at the surface. I can feel it through our twin bond—the rage, the grief, the desperate need to just... break something.
I should apologize. Should reach out. Should be the brother he needs.
Instead, I smile. Cold. Mean. "Rules, Cassian. You love those, don't you? Following the rules. Doing what you're told. Even when it means destroying the one person we—"
"Don't." His voice drops to a whisper. Dangerous. "Don't you dare finish that sentence."
"Why not?" I take another drink. "It's true. We followed the rules. We did what Raven said. We made her think we chose Sarah. And now she's gone, and we're here, and—" I laugh again, bitter and broken. "Tell me, brother, which rule says we get to stop hurting?"
The bond between us pulses with shared pain. For a moment—just a moment—we're not enemies. We're just two wolves who lost their mate. Their everything.
Then Cassian pulls back. Walls up. Control regained.
"I can't do this with you right now," he says, standing. "I have pack business to handle. Someone has to."
"Then handle it." I raise the bottle in a mock toast. "Handle the pack. Handle Sarah. Handle the fucking mess we made. I'll be right here."
"How long, Casper?" He turns back, and the exhaustion in his face almost—almost—makes me want to apologize. "How long are you going to punish yourself? Punish me?"
I meet his ice-blue eyes with my amber ones. "Until I can forgive you for agreeing to that plan. Until I can forgive myself for going along with it." I take another drink. "So... probably forever."
Cassian's hands clench into fists. I can see Zero's influence in the way his eyes flash silver. "She's safe. Our cubs are safe. That was the point."
"The point." I laugh, hollow and harsh. "Yeah. The point. Remind me what that was again? Oh right—we broke her heart to save her life. We made her think we chose someone else so Moon Goddess wouldn't kill our babies. We—"
"We did what we had to do!"
"Did we?" I stand now too, swaying slightly. Fuck, I'm more drunk than I thought. "Or did we just do what Raven told us to do? What the goddamn Moon Goddess forced us to do? When do we get to make our own choices, Cassian? When do we get to fight for what we want instead of just... surrendering?"
The bond thrums between us. Pain. Anger. Regret. Love. It's all there, tangled up in a mess neither of us knows how to fix.
"I have to go," Cassian finally says. "The pack needs—"
"Yeah, yeah. The pack needs you. They always do." I slump back onto my stool. "Just... take Sarah shopping, would you? Use our gold card. Buy her whatever the hell she wants. I can't. I can't look at her and pretend. Not today."
"Casper—"
"Please." The word comes out broken. Pleading. "Just... not today."
Cassian stands there for a long moment. Then, quietly: "You'll have to face her eventually. Face all of it."
"I know." I stare at the bottle in my hands. "But not today."
He leaves. I feel him go through our bond—a severing, a pulling away. It hurts. Everything hurts.
"You planning on staying a while?" Dorian asks, already reaching for a fresh bottle.
I nod. "Yeah. A long while."