39: Don't know how to stop

39: Don't know how to stop
Chase

I don't answer her immediately. How can you answer something like that when, the truth is complicated? I didn't wake up one morning and decide to stop loving her, decide to stop caring about her. I didn't suddenly hate her, and I still don't, even though she's driving me up the wall with annoyance. There wasn't some huge betrayl or cataclysmic reason I decided to end things. No dramatic final fight, unless this is it? In reality, there is no single moment I can look back on and say: this is where everything fell apart. It was slower. What we had... stopped feeling like love, and started becoming an obligation. A prison sentence rather than chossing one another. We held on because neither of us wanted to admit that a relationship we both invested so much time and energy into, just wasn't working anymore. And eventually, I realized that staying because I was afraid to hurt her, was crueler than walking away.

"I didn't stop caring about you", I finally say, the words leaving my mouth more quiet than expected but... there's no hesiation behind them. "Then... then come back to me Chase." I hear her desperate plea from the other end of the phone, my jaw tightening immediately while my mind flashes through everything we used to be. The good, the bad, the memories, the promises, the moments I once thought would last forever. "No", I confirm firmly, devoid of any sympathy because if I am lenient, she won't get the message. No, I need to make it perfectly clear that I mean exactly what is spilling from my mouth this time. There is a long, painful silence. "Chase... just, just give us another chance. You didn't even, think about it!" Amanda stutters quietly, those gut wrenching sobs making me feel like absolute shit. "I've thought about it."

"How long?" Her next question flies out, desperate for a sign, for any indication that there is still a way back. "Long enough." Another silence between us as I stare at my reflection, processing the uneven rhythm of her breathing. "So there is... nothing I can say, to change your mind?" She yelps, her voice cracking in a way I haven't heard before, and I swallow hard, staying true to what feels right in my heart. "No." First, a scoff... Then her anger breaks through the tears, sharp and bitter. I can almost picture the scowl on her face, wiping away snot as she refuses to accept that I mean it. That this is happening. That there is no chance of us ever reconciling. "You're unbelievable!" She screams.

"I'm sorry," I murmur quieter this time. Less firm and more apologetic, recognizing the aching despair in her tone. "No you're not! If you're sorry, you wouldn't have done this! You wouldn't have..." She sputters, breaking down again. My eyes drop from my reflection to the floor, my fingers tightening around the phone. "Walked away and never looked back. Forgotten everything! Our plans and dreams..." Her words hang in the awkward silence between us. For a moment I allow myself to remember those plans. The things we swore we'd do together, along with that gnawing intuition that they were never to pass, because... I wasn't meant to do those things with her. "Maybe that is exactly why I did it." I whisper. "What... What does that even mean!?"

"It means... staying would have only made things worse. We tried Amanda. We truly did." I plop back on the bed, staring at the ceiling, my palm drifting across my forehead as I rub it aggressively, fighting off the migrane I feel coming on. "You could have tried harder to fix it!" Amanda snaps coldly, as if trying harder was going to solve the irreconcilable differences in our personalities. In our beliefs, opinions. "I don't think trying harder, would have fixed anything. We're not... right Amanda. We don't, fit together." I let out a long, exasperated huff as I wait for her response. "So you gave up. On me, on us. You're walking away, for good? For some girl you met in Cancun?" My chest tightens, images of Lena's gorgeous face flooding my mind. The uncertainty in her chocolate drop, doe eyes, the tension in her forehead, the purse of her lips as we said goodbye this morning. "Amanda. It's... over. For good." I say as guilt twists through my heart, my eyes closing, wishing I could have been more gentle with this. More understanding. But it's got to stop. The calls. The texts. Her showing up at my condo unannounced. At parties and events I'm attending. "Neither of us can move forward, if we don't let go."

"I hate you." She snarls after a minute of sheer, absolute, unsettling silence. "I know," is all I can say. I mean, what else can I possibly add to the conversation that's going to smooth things over? "You're such... such an asshole! Moving on like we meant nothing! Replacing me!" My teeth clench so hard I can hear them grinding inside my skull. "I never said you meant nothing. I said, us in a relationship, isn't going to work." I reiterate confidently but softly, firm but gentle, if that's even a thing? I don't know how many more ways I can say it. "Then why does it feel like I meant nothing?" She sobs, long and drawn out, dramatically but I can't even be upset with her. She's allowed to feel this way. "Because you're hurting." I murmur through the sound of her hiccups and panting.

"Because YOU HURT ME!" She screams as the line goes dead and she hangs up before I can speak. For several moments, I don't move an inch. I lower the phone, and the room is quiet again. So still you can hear Corey singing in the shower a few doors down. I should feel relieved but I feel... awful. Not like I've made a mistake; it was definitely the right choice to put my foot down, but rather... guilty for choosing what's best for me, for not wanting to hurt anyone or let others down in the process. PING! My phone vibrates and I look down, hoping that it's Lena this time. It's not. It's a text... from Amanda. "I love you. I don't know how to stop."

Fuck. I stare at the text before locking the screen and tossing the overheating phone to the other side of the bed. I can't give her what she wants, and I can't keep pretending there's something left between us just because she isn't ready to let go. I close my eyes again, but instead of Amanda's pain, I see Lena's face. Hear her soft voice. Her laugh. See the way her nose scrunches up when something is really funny. The way her pouty lips curve into that wicked grin when she wins a card game. And... that's the difference. Letting go of Amanda was, easy. Too easy for years spent together making memories. All I can think about now is, Lena. How effortless our connection feels. The way my heart and my mind are filled with light and the possibility of forever, when I'm around her.