Chapter 1: Lena
I’m having doubts in my gut again, they’re bubbling around like boiling water and I can’t turn the stove off. On the outside I am calm but on the inside my heart is playing emotional detective, digging, diving, questioning everything, and I’m afraid. I want to believe my life choices have led me to freedom, but I always come to the conclusion that I don’t believe that… not really. I’m caged, trapped in the illusion that I’m happy with my life, happy in my relationship. I flip on my favorite weekly astrology youtuber, and continue packing for Cancun. If my life is a computer, then the planet's alignment are the programs running the show. And while the predictions are not always meant for me, which seems like a lot lately, I still like to have a heads up of what could possibly happen. You must not be walking the right path Lena, my inner critic's voice whispers. It seems on some level, I already know that. “On Tuesday, venus moves into…” the video drones in the background while I fold my clothes. I’m only half paying attention as I browse my closet and carefully select a variety of outfits I want to take with me. Oh no, Tuesday? I missed today’s report but at least I can hear the rest of the week starting with tomorrow. “This is a great day for new love, new relationships, and endeavors… So if you are single, get out there!” Scoffing, I once again understand this week will have nothing to do with me.
When I agreed to have this joint bachelorette-bachelor party trip with Jasper, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t reluctant. Things between us are rocky, but the stress of wedding planning, work life, and family unease is causing more tension between us than normal, and inside of me too. So much so that we’ve bickered back and forth the past few weeks, and several times, I've wanted to end it right then and there. Fuck, why haven't I??? I never have a real reason to walk away, but you'd think mediocre affection would be enough. The idea is for my friend group and his to spend time on our own, but we’ve also agreed to meet up periodically rather than spend the entire week apart. Our wedding day is only six months out, and as much as I want to ignore the tinges of cold feet, they are there. Mostly, I am looking forward to the time spent with my best friends. My job hasnt given me much free time for that lately, and I already can't wait to let loose and dive head first into drinks ans gossip.
I replay the beginning of our relationship in my mind as the youtube video drags on, catching only bits and pieces from his sweet british accent as I get lost in waves of nostalgia: "uncharted territory, new beginnings, drama and conflict." Jasper and I met during my senior year at NYU and those days had been like a dream. He was spontaneous and a bit of a rebel, and I was wildly free, our energy lighthearted and eccentric. He’d show up outside of my classes, court me around the hidden gems of Manhattan, and we'd spend hours wrapped in the embrace of one another. He showed me what love could be, and I was content to stay with him for the rest of my life like this. Where did it take a turn? After college? When the pressure to be successful and make full use of our degrees inflicted some stiffness? That's when our spontaneous outings became less frequent, and he would either devote all of his waking time to me or ghost me. No in between. In the same house, we’re practically strangers. I know moving back home isn’t as thrilling as being in the big city, but damn it sucks. Growing pains are a normal part of any relationship, obviously I’m not an idiot. The more you know someone, the more their character flaws appear, and no one is perfect.
When he proposed to me last year, our love returned to the way it was when we were in New York. He would make an effort to get home early, we'd cook dinner together, his spontaneous dates returned and one time, he surprised me by covering the entire back patio with candles, before leading me into a slow dance under the stars. Clumsy me stepped on his feet awkwardly several times, but it was perfect. He was perfect. That was exactly three months ago. Overtime returned, leaving before he woke up returned, solo meals returned, lackluster sex returned, the unbearable gap had returned- and I am tired of trying to make him see it. These days while he is preoccupied with corporate life and never ending business trips, it seems that I’ve caged my former self. Even I can see the passive, people pleasing persona that’s inhabited my body as the love fades out. I can’t remember exactly when I became a shell of myself but it is routine to accept less than necessary from him at this point. It's like I've gone mute and turned into nothing. Blended right in to his background. Lost myself. A deep breath escapes me as I scan my room for anything I missed. I drag my feet to the bathroom to gather my skin care items I can't live without, the living room for a book and ear buds for the flight. I pull out my phone to double check the uber's arrival time, when a text from Jasper pops up.
*Going to the airport straight from work. Meet you at the gate.*
Great, can't even ride together to the airport.
*Okay, see you soon.*
"Meet you at the gate” I say mockingly while zipping my suitcase shut and throwing on a comfy hoodie. “By the end of the week…” the astrology report continues as I go to shut off the lights and lock up our tidy little condo, “you will have the courage to manifest your dreams, to turn them into something practical and tangible. Allow yourself to create the life you've been envisioning... a healthy, happy home is within your grasp. You just need to reach and trust a little further. Your entire reality may be shifted, to a new timeline!“ I side eye the TV as I set my suitcase by the front door. “It’s best not resist any of these changes! Let go of what was, and bravely step into a better version of you. That wraps up this week’s report. To learn more about the full moon approaching, you can check out my other videos below.” New reality, huh? I like the sound of that. I grab my suitcase and head out the front door, just as my phone chimes that the uber is here.