89

Harry Styles

I wrap my hand around the front door handle- turning it and pushing the door open to feel the warm hit my face and contrasting with the freezing cold weather outside.

I walk into the warm home and shut the door behind me- smelling something good coming from the kitchen.

"I'm home." I yell through the house while taking off my jacket and hanging it up on the hook.

"In the kitchen baby." I hear Amelia's sweet voice yell from the next room. I take off my heavy black boots and walk into the room to my right.

I watch Amelia standing in the kitchen, her back facing me while she stirs stuff in the pan on the stove. I smile and walk up to her small frame, looking over her shoulder at her at the vegetables to tosses around on the stove.

I rest my chin on her shoulder and snake my hand around her waist and rest on her growing seven month belly.

"Smells good." I mumble while softly pressing my lips to her neck

"It should be ready soon." She smiles while keeping her eyes on the scolding pan.

"How you feeling baby?" I ask while running my hands across her baby bump.

"Good today actually- didn't wake up with sickness this time." She smiles and takes the pan off the stove, moving it off to the side and turning off the heat.

She turns around and faces me- her cheeks red from the heat of the stove.

"Less then two months and you won't have to deal with the morning sickness anymore." I wrap my arms around her lower back and intertwine my fingers together, looking down at her with a smile. Her hands meet at the back of my neck so I feel the silver ring on her finger. She steps on her tippy toes to kiss my lips while her noticeable baby bump was between us.

"Daddy!" The familiar voice of our four year old son Jamison yells in excitement while he runs his little body through the doorframe. I pull away from Amelia and kneel down so he crashes into my arms with a little toothy grin.

"Hey buddy," I smile and stand up with him on my hip. He smiles and Amelia brushes his curly hair out of his face. "Why are you still wearing your pyjamas dude?" I look at his blue teddy bear pyjamas he was wearing last night.

"Someone decided this morning that he's going to wear them forever." Amelia chuckles, making Jamison giggle.

"Forever?" I look at him and drop my jaw in playfulness- pretending to be shocked. He nods and laughs, making the dimples pop on his baby cheeks.

"You know-" I start while holding him up in my arms. "You're not going to grow big and strong if you're stuck in these small pyjamas." I encourage and he looks at me in realization.

"But you wear the same thing everyday daddy." He looks at my black t-shirt and black jeans that I have a million pairs of.

"But daddy already grew big and tall. You still need to grow and you won't be able to if you're stuck in these small pyjamas forever." I persuade. "Don't you want to be big and tall like daddy one day?" I ask while smiling at my son.

His small face falls slightly in expression, making me arch my brow.

"I don't want to be like you daddy.." He says with a sad look on his face.

"Why?" I look into his distressed brown eyes that reminds me so much of Amelia's.

"Because you hurt mommy." His voice echoes through my head while he slowly brings his hand up to point over my shoulder. My eyes widen and a cold draft runs up my spin at his small words.

I instantly turn around to look where his little finger points and see Amelia standing there with blood dripping down from a deep slit in her neck, across her throat.

My limbs go numb and my stomach drops to my feet as I see the dark red blood pouring from the cut over her throat. What the hell happened?!

I turn my head back to Jamison and realize that he has disappeared from my arm- vanished like he was never there to begin with.

I look down at my hands and see that their covered in the same red blood and clenched in my grip is a steel iron knife. My eyes start to brim in tears and my body temperature drops to a point where I can't stop shaking.

I shoot my vision back up and see Amelia staring at me in a way that makes my heart stop beating. My body shakes and I look at her like I'm seeing a ghost. The warm room I once was in feels ice cold and dark now.

"Why would you do this to our family Harry?" Amelia's broken sinister voice sends ice through my veins as blood pours out of her neck in front of me. Her eyes remain wide and twisted while tears pour down her flushed cheeks.

"Harry!" I hear Amelia's voice shout as I open my eyes abruptly to being back in my bedroom. Her hands are placed on my cheeks while she looks down at me through her worried eyes. My body feels like it's going to melt from overheating and my heart is slamming against my chest.

It was all a dream.

I look up at her while sweat perspires from my body. I try to regain and control my intense breathing while she looks down at me in comfort.

"What happened?" I say between pants and sit up in my bed- all distraught.

"You started yelling in your sleep. You were twisting and turning like you were having an awful dream." She explains while sitting cross legged next to me, looking at me in worry while I flip my sweaty hair out of my face. Her nimble hand runs small circles on my overheated back, trying to relax me.

"What was I saying?" I ask eagerly while glancing at the clock. 3am.

"You kept yelling 'no' and my name." She says softly while analyzing ever aspect of my sweaty face.

"Oh. I'm sorry for waking you." I mumble while feeling completely shaken up from the terribly real dream I had.

"Don't apologize. Are you okay? What were you dreaming about?" She asks and it makes my stomach drop and my chest heavy. I can't fucking breath and I need to get out of here.

"I-I have to go." I quickly answer before jetting out of bed.

"What? Harry it's three in the morning.." She looks at me grabbing my jeans off the floor and sliding them on my legs.

"I know- I just need to get out for a bit." I say while quickly going in my closet and just grabbing a black hoodie and a grey beanie to tame my messy sweaty hair.

"Well where are you going to go?" She says quietly while watching me dart around the room all frantic. I can tell by the expression on her face that she's confused and a bit upset but I need to go.

"I- I don't know. I'll be back by morning." I say in a rush before heading towards the door.

"Harry you're scaring me." She says, making me stop in the doorway.

I turn my head back and shake my head. She sits up on her knees at the edge of my bed- wearing my black shirt so it falls to her mid thigh.

"Don't be- I'm fine I just need to get out for a bit. Go back to sleep." I state before turning back and jogging down the hallway- leaving her alone and confused on my bed

I can't talk to her right now; It's too much. That dream fucked me up and even looking at her is giving me this intense form of anxiety I can't explain. Where the fuck is my head at for having dreams like that?

I jog down the stairs and towards the front door, throwing up my hood before walking out of the door. I don't know where I'm going- but I just need to get out.

I had a fucking kid. I had a fucking kid and Amelia was pregnant. I was married to her. I had the perfect family in the perfect cookie cutter home and it makes me sick.

I don't want that. I don't want marriage and I sure as hell don't want fucking kids.

The dream was so real that I stared into the eyes of my son and felt instantly connected to him. I felt like I was staring at myself but with a small mix of Amelia in his face and it fucking terrified me.

I know it was just a dream- I know it wasn't real but god damn I've never felt so freaked in my life. What if that's what she wants in her future? What if she wants to be married and have children? I can't give that to her- I'm not a guy that can give her the perfect ending that she might want one day.

I'm not normal.

I'm a murderer, a gang member, a broken soul and a fucking psycho.

I hate children, I hate marriage and I don't want a family.

The dream was so vivid- down to the very point that my son had a name. Everything was perfect in our home. I had the perfect wife, the perfect kid and the perfect life. Then it all changed. I blinked and everything went to shit; Before I knew it I was holding an iron knife and Amelia had blood pouring out her neck. My son disappeared from my arms and with that- I lost everything. I lost everything because of the fucking violent demons in my head that make me who am.

My head was probably trying to tell me that I am a ticking time bomb and no matter how happy I could be one day- I will always end up exploding and ruin everything around me. I don't deserve a happy ending and it's okay because I've made peace with it.

Guys like me don't get the kids and the family's- not that I'd want it anyway. I lived my life in a way that I would never have anything to lose, but now I have her. She is something I never want to lose and it fucking terrifies me to think if I ever did. This girl has managed to walk in here and make herself the most important thing in my life, so quickly.

She is the reason I'm having these twisted dreams because for once their is something in my life that shines positivity. She is the light shining in the darkness- the darkness that's been my life for twenty three years. She is normal and capable of so many beautiful things but as long as she's with me, I can't give her that.

She deserves so much better then me. She deserves to have children and the perfect trophy husband who treats her like gold. I am not him- as much as I could try to convince myself otherwise...I know I'm not.

I'm the damaged, violent, psychotic man who finds pleasure in other people's suffering. All my life I found my own form of happiness in killing and hurting others; it was who am I.