"Now, please talk to me. Please." Jerol pleads as we pull away from the long unintended embrace.
I take my time to scorch away the tears. Not like there are any, because he has taken the liberty to do that for me. I just feel awful and sheepish. Like this isn't what I wanted this morning to be like. You get it?
I wanted it to be a happy one just like I had promised him last night. That what happened won't affect our relationship in any way. That there will never be any regrets, and there aren't any, with all sincerity. Why I am feeling the way I am feeling is something beyond my control. Beyond explanation.
"You can ask me or say anything, you know." He adds, sitting up and sloping his head on the bed just like me, his hand finding its way around my neck, still soothing me.
Maybe if I know what exactly he still feels for that ghost woman, just maybe, I will be at peace? Maybe I will stop fussing and feeling this thing that I can't even decipher? Ooh, well, I think I know what it is, but I can't admit it.
"Do I have the right to ask anything?" I implore, looking at his beautiful eyes.
"You do. I give you that right, Tessa. So, feel free to ask me anything you want." He replies with a tinge of honesty that scares him.
No. Not scary, but, it made my heart skip a bit. I have some rights!
"Do you still love her?" I speak, opting to get this over and done with.
I am not certain what I will feel afterwards with whichever answer he will give because I know there is no remedy for what I am feeling, but I just want to know. Maybe to know that after a month or so, when it's my time to leave, when we say goodbye, I will not have to worry about him anymore. That I will leave him better than I found him.
As early as now, I can assert for sure that leaving him will be as difficult as hell. He has become someone that I care about so much. I have not only learned to care about him. No. If it was right, I would say that I have learnt to love him. He has sunk deep into my soul, and I crave him in a way that is beyond any bounds. I can't deny that anymore.
But does he need these hurdles? No. Can he love me? Yeah, if only there was a civil ground for heaven and earth. But sadly, there isn't. He can't love me.
"Ella, was my greatest love. She is someone I loved and gave my all. I saw a future with her. We had lots of plans together. She isn't someone I can ever forget." There came his reply. Just precise!
His words flowed smoothly from the bottommost part of his heart. They flowed with so much repose as if he has them engraved somewhere in his heart.
And my heart is downcast!
I knew that. How much she means to him. I mean, for her to drive him insane the way he was, she ought to be an integral part of him. That part which he can't part with. She will always be there, in his heart. And me, I need to forget this...
"But she left, in a way that I don't certify, but she left anyways. Without caring. There is nothing that binds us together now."
That made me shift on my butt, facing him fully.
"What do you mean?" I implore.
"I let her go, Tessa. I am setting myself free. And you were right-she wasn't perhaps worth all that I put myself through."
I am trying as much as I can not to pull him to me and encompass him in a tight bear hug or even kiss him. The honesty in his declarations, the way he says them, is so heartwarming. My heart is twerking inside. I am afraid that he can hear the echoes of my heart from the short distance between us.
But hey, even if he hears it, I will gladly let him know that I am over the moon, not with him because I don't intend to complicate his life even just one bit, but rather, with the fact that he is finally free.
"Was that why you were worried? You thought that, I made love to you last night with the thought of her in my mind?" He queries, since my voice left me from his good news.
Well...
"No, Jerol. I would have been okay anyways, as long as it made you happy." I respond with all honesty.
"And you, Tessa? Were you happy? Will you ever forget last night?" He asks, taking my cheek into his palm and stroking it in a soothing motion.
"It was beautiful. There is no way I will ever forget that, Jerol. Thank you..." He seals my lips with a kiss that lasts way too short for my needy self.
Pulling away, he aligns our faces, our foreheads lounging against each other, our noses continuing the short-lived lip kiss.
"No. Thank you, Tessa. I owe you my life and everything that I am now." He whispers to my lips, our eyes boring into each other, the intensity of his words taking my breath away.
My mind is blown!
I swallow hard, fighting this fire that is erupting between us.
"Tell me whatever you want and I will gladly give it to you, Mrs MCcall!"
This time around, it's the name. The title that makes me jerk my face away from him a little. Mrs MCcall... How sweet is that name. Ooh, how sweet of that title. How sweet it is to be called by his name. But then, it's a borrowed title. I don't own it. And soon, I will have to drop it.
I shut my eyes at the sharp dagger tearing through the delicate walls of my heart.
"Tessa?" He whispers after glimpsing my alteration of facial idiom, and I snap my eyes as fast as I can to fake my 'I'm okay' expression.
"I want nothing, Jerol. You being okay and happy is more than enough for me. But, I would like to ask you something if you don't mind." I mumble, holding my voice as strong as I can.
"Ask me whatever you want." He says.
"Why did you marry me? I mean, there is nothing that was at stake that you badly needed a wife for." I implore, because, yes, why?
"Getting a contract wife wasn't anywhere close to my mind even when I was at the blink of losing my mind looking for Ella. But that was until I knocked some girl on the road, and then I ran into her crazy mom. Sorry for that." We both sigh at that. Crazy is even an understatement. That woman I called mother back then was eccentric. "When she proposed the deal, I wanted to walk out of the room and leave her with her craziness. But I asked myself, what if she proposes the same to some other psycho? I was going psycho myself, but I didn't want the innocent soul that was lying on the hospital bed that day to end up in the hands of a more dangerous person." He keeps quiet for a minute.
"So...you just thought of buying? Just like that?" I ask.
"Yes, and also because an idea crossed my mind then. Maybe if..." Silence. He falls silence for quite some time, and I give him the time to gather whatever he has to say. Finally, he looks away, but opens his mouth. "I thought that if she, Ella, learnt that I had married, she would show up. It was a way of calling her back to me."
Whoa!
That was, super crazy! But all the same, I got a chance to meet him through his crazy idea.
"But she didn't. Do you think... She will ever...return?" I implore, with a broken voice this time. I couldn't control it.
"She has no reason to. And I am done. This is as far as she can hurt me." He says, sounding as sincere as I have ever heard him.
"I'm glad, Jerol. I'm happy that you are okay now." I state, and he eyes me, scanning me as if he is searching for something. "What?" I ask.
"What about you, Tessa?" He speaks, confusing me.
Huh? Me? What about me?
"What about me?" I ask.
"Are you truly happy? Are all your sacrifices for this broken jerk really worth anything?" He speaks so softly.
Are they?
"Yes, Jerol, and I have no regrets whatsoever for everything that I have done for you. I am happy that I got to help a great person like you." I respond.
"But not everything was right, Tessa. You got hurt. So many times. You bore me so much for me. You gave so much asking for nothing in return. I feel..."
"Sshh!" I place a finger on his lips, stopping him from talking. "I told you before, didn't I? These scars will turn into beautiful scars when I achieve my goal. Thank you for turning them into beautiful scars. I will never feel pain whenever I look at them. On the contrary, I will look at them with a smile, because they are a portrayal of my beautiful story with you, Jerol."
A tear drops from his eye, and this time around, I wipe it away, and give him a small kiss on the lips.
"Our story is beautiful, and will always be beautiful, right?" I implore as we bore into each other. I don't even know how I clambered to his laps, but I am comfortably perched there, drinking in his sweet intoxicating warmth, our naked skin caressing each other.
"It is. And you have no idea, Tessa. Life with you is something that I would never want to lose ever." He whimpers, arousing butterflies in my belly, and causing goosebumps as well. "This, you, Tessa, are more than gold. You are my redemption! My life!"
"Jerol." I whimper, almost drowning in this fire. Too weak to its compelling power.
"Don't say anything, please. Just, let's go with the flow, okay?" He pleads, his eyes darkening.
"But, Jerol..."
"Just trust me, Tessa. Trust this." Before I know it, our lips are dancing against each other in a very familiar rhythm. Free, and slow, and passionate.
As he lays me back on the bed, as he hovers atop of me and parks himself between my legs, everything stands still, bowing to this so right moment. The moment we surrender ourselves to each other again in the most beautiful and free way.