Chapter 89

With violently shaking hands, Nakos held the gorgeous face he feared he'd never see again and kissed her with all the pent up, avid torment he'd had gutting him for hours. When that wasn't enough, he kissed her eyes, her forehead, her cheeks, and pressed against her, trapping her to the door.

"Hihcebe, I was scared to death." Unimaginable things had scowered his mind. All the scenarios she might've been in. Or done. After revealing such a horrible memory, he had no clue where her head was at, what she might do in the wake. His ribcage had been pried open by steel claws and his insides shredded until there was nothing left. For. Hours. "Scared to goddamn death, anim."

He'd barked orders at the men. Had ridden on horseback to every place he could conceive she may have gone. Stood helpless in the rain, searching, searching. Each second had been an eternity. And then Nate had radioed she was all right. But Nakos hadn't seen with his own eyes, touched with his own hands to gain proof. So he'd climbed the walls at home, waiting, praying she'd return before his head exploded or he tore the place down to the studs.

Still jacked and busting apart at the seams, he took her mouth again, somewhat more gently, and repeatedly told himself she was here, she was home. She wasn't bleeding out somewhere or in that bastard's hands or aimlessly wandering around, wondering if she had anywhere to go. He had her, was holding her. She had a heartbeat, breath in her lungs, and tangible form.

"I love you." He pinched his eyes shut, pressed his brow to hers. There wasn't enough space in his chest for how much love he had. He might kill her for doing this to him, though. "Love you, love you."

Her cool fingers settled on his neck, and they were like ice. She shivered, and he eased away. Goosebumps skated her arms and her lips were slightly blue. Her clothes and hair were...drenched. Pretty mermaid eyes stared at him, a little dazed. She searched his expression, parted her lips to speak, but he snapped. For the three-million and ninety-seventh time tonight, he flipped his lid.

In a surge, he swept her into his arms and hauled ass for the stairs. He needed to get her dry. Warm. Safe.

"Nakos, what are you doing?"

Her voice. Shit, that voice. He never thought he'd hear that again, either.

Saying nothing, as he wasn't in a rational frame of mind, he climbed the staircase and pivoted for her room. Depositing her on the side of the bed, he moved to the dresser, opened and closed drawers. Shoved items around.

Flannel pants. Yes, those would do. Sweatshirt, check. Wool socks. Perfect. He froze at the colorful array of panties, then snatched a random pair and rushed back to her.

Ignoring her round, questioning gaze, he fisted her wet blouse and pulled it off. It hit the floor with a thwap and her bra followed. He tugged the sweatshirt over her head, manipulated her arms into the sleeves.

"Nakos, I can do it."

"No, I..." Had to get her warm and safe. He'd failed before. She'd been alone. In the dark. In the rain. Scared.

All his fault. He'd just...left her there. In the barn. Left her there.

He pushed her shoulders until she laid back. Fingers bumbling, he stripped off her jeans and underwear, tossed them aside. Lifting her ankle, he put one foot, then the other into the fresh panties and flannel pants, and yanked them over her hips into place. He slipped the socks onto her feet while she sat up.

And because visions of her in the dark, in the rain, alone and scared filtered to mind, he dragged the comforter over her, too. Squatting in front of her, he wrapped his arms around her waist and dropped his head in her lap.

He sucked oxygen for the first time all evening and wound up breathing her scent into his lungs. Tentative fingers stroked his hair, his shoulder. He cinched his arms tighter, wanting to crawl inside her. His sinuses stung, and he almost wept. Again. Or still.

Her quiet sigh filled the space between them. "Nate said you went a little crazy, but I didn't believe him."

"Crazy doesn't cover it." His words were muffled by the blanket, but he couldn't move. She was in his arms and he wasn't letting go. "Love you, anim."

"Look at me." She held his jaw and forced him to meet her eyes. "I love you, too. So very, very much."

Hell, she was killing him. Over and over, minute by minute. Killing him.

Heat filled the frigid corners inside him her absence had created, spread warmth throughout his chest cavity until his blood sang and his limbs quit shaking. Tender endearment looked back at him and, for the first time, it wasn't clouded by guilt or pain.

There she was, his Ames. There was the place he'd been trying to reach.

He rose onto his knees until they were eye to eye. Cupping the back of her head, he pulled her to him and pressed his lips to hers. Gentle sweeps and tender strokes. He allowed the feel of her against him to unfurl the tension clamping his muscles, loosen the stronghold of concern and fear.

"I'm sorry I scared you."

He rested his cheek to hers. "I'm sorry I handled things so poorly. I should've stayed with you."

When he thought he could move, he picked her up and carried her into his room, hit the wall switch with his elbow to cut the light, and settled against the headboard, her straddling his lap. She snuggled into him, face buried in his neck, and he held her. Just held her like he'd been needing to do since that awful moment in the barn.

They stayed like that for he didn't know how long before she drew a breath, let it go in a ragged exhale. "It happened in the alley behind my parents' hardware store."

He froze as it dawned on him what she meant. Her voice was quiet, calm, belying the harsh slap it had to bring her to remember the...rape. Damn it all. Just the word incited rage and anguish in every atom of his body. His heart stopped and his hand faltered over the curve of her spine. He swore, he didn't know if he could handle hearing the details. But this wasn't about him. It was about her, and she seemed ready to tell him.

"Nate says I should talk about it, that it might help me get closure."

Then, somehow, he'd get his shit together. In answer, he wrapped one arm around her lower back, silently letting her know he had her, she was safe. The other he slid into her hair, threading his fingers in the strands.

"We'd just gotten back from church. I was wearing this horrid pink sundress my mother made me put on, and I just wanted to take it off. But one of my chores was emptying the wastebaskets in the shop, so I grabbed the bag to take the garbage out to the dumpster. He surprised me from behind."

Nakos slammed his eyes shut and gnashed his teeth so his jaw would stop trembling. He focused on his breathing when he wanted to yell.

"He pushed me up against the wall. He..." She trembled and he hugged her harder, fighting the threat of angry tears. "It was over quickly, but it didn't feel that way. I didn't scream or say no. Too scared. It...hurt. Bad."

A sob cracked his chest, and he gave up. Choking on tears he refused to let fall, he hissed, fought for air. Bringing his knees up, boosting her a tad higher, he buried his face in her hair.

"Stupid things ran through my head when he was done. How I'd be in trouble for getting my dress dirty. What would I say if I was asked about the blood on my underwear. Was I supposed to help with dinner when I could barely walk." She went quiet a beat. "I showered afterward, scrubbing my skin raw. I told my mom that night, who told my dad, and neither of them believed me."

Her face was still pressed to his neck, her body limp against his as if she'd resigned herself to the inevitable outcome. Meanwhile, he was goddamn dying. And useless. Unable to do anything to help her while every instinct railed at him to fight. Protect. The attack may have happened years ago, yet for him this was new. Occurring now.

But, Hihcebe. That part of her, that sweet heart of hers she almost never showed to anyone except him, seemed to understand his distress. Her fingers stroked his jaw, an affectionate caress, like she was attempting to prove to him all was well.

Silence fell, and he eventually settled enough to speak. "This was what you've been trying to tell me. I understand why you had a hard time with the decision, but I don't want you to think you can't talk to me."

Slowly, she straightened and looked down at his chest, hesitation written all over her. "I thought..." She bit her lip and closed her eyes. When she opened them, misery clung to the tears pooling. "I was worried you wouldn't want me anymore."

As if that declaration didn't slice through muscle, artery, and bone, she kept going with the verbal assault at a speed he could barely track.

"I felt soiled and dirty. You're a knight, Nakos. Everything good and kind and honest in this world and I was...tainted." Tears spilled at an alarming rate and her voice raised several octaves, bordering on hysterical, taking his pulse along for the ride. "Finally, you looked at me and, for a moment, I had what I always wanted. I was so scared you'd be...be...disgusted."

Oh, fucking hell. "Stop." He grabbed the sides of her head, desperate himself, and gave her a little shake. "Please, stop. I can't take anymore tonight. I can't." How could she ever think that's how he'd react? Worse, what did it say about him that she'd jumped to that conclusion?

"Look at me, in my eyes, bixooxu." He waited until she did. "The act, what that man did to you, was disgusting. Not you. Understand? You are not tainted or dirty or anything else. I love you. No matter what, I love you. That's not going to change."

She nodded, a frantic assurance to the quickness of the gesture, but the tears were drying and she began to breathe with less hyperventilation. "Nate said you'd say that. Do you mean it, though?"

He was going to buy Nate another Harley to say thank you. Scratch that. Two Hogs. "Yes, I mean it. With every cell, Ames." He dragged a pull of oxygen. "There's no extracting you from here." He took her hand, set her palm over his heart. "I wouldn't want to even if I could. You make me happy."

"Because of you, I know what happy means." Her lips made a pout as she wiped her cheeks.