Chapter 6: August to October 1985

His arm is still around my shoulder and our fingers interlocked when my eyes open abruptly.

"No!" I try to scream, but my sleep-filled voice fails me.

It’s not the first time.

I pull away from him, hitting my back hard against the wall. I tuck my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around myself.

My quick movements wake him. He glances over, and seeing my bewildered expression, he immediately sits up. "Ra'Shelle, what's wrong?"

I whisper timidly, "Twice is enough. Please don't make me do it again."

"Oh, my God." He pulls back the sheet, then kneels by my bed. Palms up, he places his arms on the sheet. "Ra'Shelle, look at me. It's Colin. Ra'Shelle!"

I begin to rock and pull my legs even closer to my chest.

My quiet voice pleads, "Please, I don't think I can do it again."

"Ra'Shelle, you had a nightmare. It's not real. Nothing is happening. It was a nightmare."

I shake my head. "It is real. It's all real."

"It was once, but you're not there anymore. You're at college. You're eighteen years old, and you're in a dorm room. I'm your friend Colin. It’s just you and me."

"Just you and me?"

"Just you and me. Just Ra'Shelle and Colin. No one else exists."

Silently, I look around the room.

"Come on," he says under his breath. "Come on, come on, come on." He steadies his voice. "Ra'Shelle, you're not there. You’re safe. You're here with me. You’re safe."

I take a deep breath, finally looking at him instead of through him. "Colin?"

He sits on the bed, his legs under him. "Colin."

"Shit." I bury my head against my knees, embarrassed and disbelieving.

He takes a shaky breath. "Will you let me hold you?"

I nod hesitantly, reposition, and rest my head on his shoulder.

He wraps his arms around me. "I'm so sorry, Ra'Shelle. You’re safe now. You’re safe with me." He inhales slowly. "Has that happened before?"

"Not like that."

"Have you slept next to someone before?" He swallows. "Consensually?"

I shake my head.

"So you woke up to me sharing your bed and thought the nightmare was still happening?"

I hesitate, then nod again. "I guess."

"That happened to me a couple of times." He rubs my back. "Do you want me to leave?"

Fear takes over, and I quickly wrap my arms around him. "No."

Gently squeezing me, he continues to rub my back. "Do you want to go back to sleep?"

"What if it happens again?"

"I'll help you through it."

"Colin, that was… terrifying."

"You're okay now. I'm here." He repositions, and I follow him. He lightly squeezes my shoulder, and my breathing evens and deepens.

I close my eyes as he strokes my shoulder, and whispers, "Ra'Shelle, what did you mean by 'twice is enough'? Did you have to do it three times that day?"

"Yeah," I mumble, nearly asleep, "she lost twenty-eight dollars in a poker game."

I can barely hear him as he turns back to the ceiling. "Shit. What did they do to this girl?”

If he only knew.

***

Six weeks pass; ours becomes an easy friendship, and I relax around him. Maybe it’s sneaking him out of the dorm without being caught or earning high grades. Maybe it’s living in a new environment or my mother’s absence. Whatever the reason, my confidence begins to outweigh my fear. I study at the library alone and often wear shorts to bed, at least when he’s not there.

Two weeks before midterms, the college hosts a lost-and-found yard sale. I purchase bright shirts and flowing skirts–clothes I never would have purchased only a year ago.

The week of midterms, we spend most of our time in the library, and after my last exam, I collapse onto my bed, prepared to sleep through the four-day weekend. Through my haze of exhaustion, I realize that Joan is humming and packing.

I sit up. "Joan, what are you doing?"

She turns around, beaming. "Preston asked me to move in with him. Can you believe it?!" She squeals and jumps like the junior high cheerleader she once was.

"I'm keeping the dorm room the rest of the year. I don't want to tell my parents that I'm moving in with a guy. And, just in case it doesn't work out, I can always move back in here with my bestie."

Ugh. I try to sound supportive. "Great. Good for you."

Joan picks up her suitcase and backpack. "Well, toodles." She opens the door. "Kisses," she calls before shutting it behind her.

I sit on the edge of my bed, debating, listening to the crushing silence. Finally, I pull the sheet to my neck and close my eyes.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Ella.

"They're writing songs of love, but not for me. The lucky stars above, but not for me.”

***

Two hours later, the ringing phone startles me awake. "Hello?"

There’s a hesitation. "Ra'Shelle, did I wake you?"

"Colin? Mmm. Yeah. I was napping."

"I can let you sleep."

"Don't worry about it. Finish your exams?"

"Just finished the last one. I was thinking we could grab dinner at the caf', then ice cream, but if you would rather sleep…"

"No," I murmur, beginning to stir. "I could eat. I'll meet you outside in a few minutes."

I can hear his smile in his voice. "Great."

I take a deep breath, stretch, and slip into my shoes. I grab my ID and keys and shuffle to the entrance.

He’s waiting at the bottom of the steps, and two blondes giggle as they walk past him.

I've learned that Colin is magnetic; he draws attention wherever he goes.

I try to smile as we begin walking to the cafeteria. I wrap my fingers around the inside of his elbow, something I do often. "Would you, uh," I clear her throat, "would you like to keep a couple of changes of clothes to my room. You know, just like a pair of pajamas and maybe a couple of pairs of jeans and shirts. Since you stay over occasionally, and that one day you nearly missed your first class, I thought maybe you'd like to keep some of your things there."

He looks over at me. "Why now?"

"We’ve known each other for a couple of months and," I sigh loudly, "Joan just moved out."

He raises his eyebrows. "She moved… She moved out?"

"Moved in with Preston. She's keeping the room, but she cleared out her drawers and everything. You could store some of your stuff."

"Are you asking me to move in with you? I'm pretty sure that's not allowed, and your RA will definitely catch us eventually."

"Not move in, just, you know, have stuff there for when you do spend the night." I rub my eyes. "I didn't sleep enough during midterms. Some of the women are leaving for the break, so I can take some naps in the quiet dorm."

"And sleep at night, like a normal person."

I bite the inside of my lip at his subtle hint at my recent bout of poor sleep. "Yeah, that too."

We stand in various lines to collect pasta, bowls of fruit, milk, and cafeteria-style pizza before sitting across from one another at one of the long tables.

I pop a grape into my mouth. "I've eaten some weird combinations of food for dinner since I started here."

"Dinners are just created from the day’s leftovers,” Colin says. “Breakfast is where it's really at. Omelet stations and smoothies. Everything's fresh and the right temperature. It's great.”

I smile. “Says the morning person.”

We continue to eat dinner and joke about midterms. Finally, we place our trays on top of the trash cans as I shove a stack of napkins into my pocket.

He chuckles. "You and your napkins."

"They save me from buying paper products."

But then we turn. And I dig my fingers into his elbow.

"What is it?" He follows my gaze, only to see Pete strolling into the cafeteria.

Pete shows the woman his ID and saunters toward the salad bar. He raises his hands as he passes me. "Just here for the grub. Just a coincidence."

A memory invades my headspace. Loud sobs and a voice, somehow simultaneously kind and cruel: It’s just a coincidence, Florence. Just a coincidence.

I release Colin's elbow, I walk out of the double doors, and round the corner of the building. I press my smooth palm against the rough stone to steady myself before my stomach purges everything I just ate.

I wipe my mouth with a napkin, throw it in the trash can, and start running toward my dorm.