Chapter 35 – January 15, 1988: Part IV

I fluctuate between hot flashes of anger and torrential waves of sadness several times during the fifteen-minute ride. By the time we arrive at the dorm, I’m quietly weeping.

Tom rests his hand on my shoulder, guiding me to my suite. As I reach into my purse for my keys, the papers remind me of my renewed hell.

I hear Colin singing through the door. "Goodnight you moonlight ladies. Rock-a-bye sweet baby Alex. Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose. Won't you let me go down in my dreams? And rock-a-bye sweet baby Alex."

He’s standing in front of Alex in her food-splattered highchair. "Now the first of December–" He looks up at me. "God, what happened to you?"

Tom propels me into the room but looks at Colin. "Trade you."

Colin passes Tom the bowl of mashed bananas and steps toward me. "Ra'Shelle, babe, what–"

I drop my purse on the couch with a heavy sigh, lean against him, and wrap my arms around his neck. He places his hands against my sides and picks me up. I wrap my legs around his waist and he carries me to the couch. My torso presses completely against his, as he wraps his arms around me and kisses my shoulder. He looks at Tom. "What happened to her hands?"

"Friction burn."

"Did she tell you what happened at the lawyer's office?"

"Pete's father… what's his name?"

"Lassio."

"He left her a letter or note. A long, handwritten thing."

"Oh, what the–" Colin sighs. "And she read it?"

"At the office. Then cried for… I don't know, a really long time. Twenty minutes, maybe? Muscle spasms, hyperventilation, the whole thing."

Colin sighs. "Ra'Shelle?"

I shake my head.

He looks back at Tom. "Anything else?"

"We went to the lawyer's office. She was in there for a couple of minutes, then used the payphone. Then I drove her home."

"Ra'Shelle, is Pete going to bother you again?" Colin asks.

I shake my head, shrug, and shake my head again. I shutter, then whimper and begin to cry again.

Tom sets the empty bowl on the desk and picks up Alex. "This is an amazing kid you have."

Colin smiles. "Thanks. I feel very fortunate. Ra'Shelle does too." He starts rummaging through my purse. "Ra'Shelle, are these banking papers?"

I nod.

He skims the top page. "We'll deal with that another day." He finds the envelope and opens it. "I'm going to skim the letter, okay, Ra'Shelle? Not really read it, just skim it."

I sit up. "You don't want to do that."

He pulls away and uses his thumbs to wipe the tears from my cheeks. "Look at your eyes. Anything that can turn you back into this… you're telling me that I don't need to know what caused this?"

I rest my head against his shoulder again. "Okay."

He unfolds the pages and begins to skim them. "This is just one long excuse and passing blame to everyone else."

I take a shaky breath. "Last page."

He skims through the body and turns to the last page. "Oh, what the–" He drops the letter and places his hands on my ribs before leaning my back. "Ra'Shelle, listen to me."

I cover my face and continue crying.

"Babe, listen. Are you listening?"

My voice cracks. “Yes.”

"He didn't prepare you for anything. He didn't make you strong. You're strong because of you." He moves my hands and simpers. "And a little because of me."

I sniffle and almost smile.

"And a little because of Tom, and Kari, and Shannon, and Alex. The people who are here for you now.

"He didn't want good things for you. He just wanted to manipulate you; you can't believe anything he said in there. Please tell me that you didn't believe any of that."

I lower my head. "He made some good points," I mumble weakly.

"Ra'Shelle, we'll never know what's true and what's not. He and your mother are both dead. Pete is, hopefully, out of the picture. We'll never know for sure, but you should assume that he's just a manipulative liar."

I lean against him, and he wraps his arms around me again. "You are the strongest person I know, and maybe the softest too. Somehow, nothing hardened you or made you cynical. Don't let this be the thing that ruins that streak." He tightens his grip around me, suddenly emotional. "God, Ra'Shelle, don't let this be the thing that breaks you. The guy's dead. He wasn't worth your time or energy when he was alive, and he isn't worth it now."

I swallow. "You don't think he was telling the truth?"

"No."

"About my father?"

"No."

"About my mother?"

"No."

"Seems like something she'd do."

"Still, no."

"Tillerman?"

"It wasn't selfless. It was very much the opposite."

"But things worked out for me, more or less. Loving husband, sweet baby, great job, and I can play chess with the best of them."

"Those are your accomplishments and choices, and a little luck. All of those things are in spite of him, not because of him."

He takes a deep breath. "He receives zero credit for the amazing woman you have become. That's all on you, babe."

I collapse back onto his chest. "Everything hurts."

A smile twitches. "Well, the body isn't really built for crying this long. Why don't you nap for a couple of hours. When you wake up, I'll tell you this was just a nightmare, and we can all go back to our lives and pretend this never happened."

"Will you help me to the bedroom?"

"Sure." He looks at Tom. "Mind hanging out a little longer?"

"Of course not. Take your time."

Colin stands, and I fall off of him. He wraps his arms around me and walks behind me into the bedroom. He closes the door behind us, sits me on the bed, and brings my pajamas from the dresser. He turns off all the lights, and only small slits of sunlight from the blinds scatter across the carpet and sheet.

He stands next to the bed and helps me slip my shirt over my head. He reaches behind me to unhook my bra, and I lean up to kiss him. He hesitantly leans into the kiss before pulling away, helping me adjust the tank top, and removing my bra.

I kick off my shoes and lean back while he unbuttons my pants. He steps back, and I look up at him.

"Yeah?" he asks.

I nod.

"Okay." He helps me change into pajama pants before pulling back the sheet. I slip under it, and he covers me before lying next to me.

He stares at my puffy eyes. "I'm so sorry about today, babe. It's just a bad moment. Nothing more.”

"Tell me."

He moves his face a few inches from mine and squeezes my shoulder. "It's just you and–"

I lean forward and kiss him, soft and tentative, and he returns it. For nearly a minute, we swap small, gentle kisses. He presses his hand against my back, and my breathing steadies.

"Me," he finishes.

"Yeah."

"Ra'Shelle, if you need me for anything, anything, call for me or come out. You need to talk, cry, be held, whatever. I'll do it… I love you, Ra'Shelle."

"I love you too, Colin. So much."

He kisses me again, letting it linger. "I'll see you in a little bit." He stands and returns to the living room, but he keeps the door ajar. I know he’s listening for my small sounds: fearful whimpers and pained groans.

I can barely hear their whispered conversation, but I direct my focus.

"Block time, girl child… Tom, thank you for all of this."

"You're welcome. I care about her too."

Colin’s moving around the living room now. "I know. Listen, I don't want you to think that this is her default state. You've seen some pretty rough sides of her."

I hear the storage container click, and I assume the envelope has joined the notepads in the box of horrors.

"But I've also seen the smart, savvy, strategic, creative Ra'Shelle,” Tom says. “I know there's more to her than who she is in her most difficult moments."

There’s a pause before Colin speaks. "Lassio had a strong power over her. It took her a long time to move past that. This is going to bring all of that to the surface again."

"You're worried."

"I have more faith in her than anyone, but… Yeah, I'm worried."

I grip my pillow with both hands. If Colin’s faith is wavering, what chance do I have?