Chapter 25: April 4, 1987: Part II

"Two or three weeks later. Lassio comes for the rent, and she doesn't have it. He comes to see me, but I tell him that I don't think I can. He starts to threaten me and say all the sadistic stuff that he normally says, but then he actually looks at my swollen abdomen, and he stops. I tell him it's hurt the entire time, and he actually looks concerned. I think he's probably more concerned for himself than for me, but he stops all the threatening, tells my mother some lie, and we go back to see Tillerman.

"Maybe Tillerman made a mistake. Maybe it was the lack of a sterile environment. For whatever reason, there's supposedly an infection in the left tube. He sedates me again, does whatever he does, and when I wake up he gives me pain meds and antibiotics.

"Lassio refuses to tell me what actually happened. I think Tillerman removed the ovary, but I've never confirmed that. Every time I think about going to a gynecologist, I just panic. I mean, how am I supposed to explain that? I guess now that I'm twenty, I could pretend that I was of legal age, but even still…"

I shake the anxiety from my brain. “Anyway, whatever he did works. The swelling and the pain go away. Every couple of years, Lassio takes me to see Tillerman, who I guess acted as my gynecologist–which is an insane thing to think about now–but I haven't seen him since I was sixteen."

I sigh. “Anyway, things go back to normal. Mama keeps whoring me out, and sadistic Gabriel comes by often.

“Gabriel’s at a college party one night, and a neighbor calls the cops to break it up. One of the frat guys says something about finding a prostitute, and Gabriel tells him about me, and that the guy doesn’t need to worry about knocking me up because, and I quote, 'I saw to that.'”

I bite my lip, cover my eyes with my arm, and shake my head. Colin doesn’t say anything, and I eventually return to looking at the ceiling.

“Gabriel’s drunk, or high, or whatever, and says that louder than he meant to, and Daly overhears the comment. Daly tries to question him about it, and Gabriel gives him the whole 'Do you know who my dad is?' line, and Daly backs off.

“But apparently it nags at him, so he starts trying to fit the pieces together. He tries to talk to me at school, but I'm too scared of Lassio to say anything. Mama claims not to know anything about it. Neither Lassio nor Gabriel are dumb enough to talk to a cop without a lawyer. Tillerman didn't keep any records.

“I don't know how Daly figures out Tillerman’s involvement, but once he does, he starts driving different routes from my house and school to Tillerman's office and asks any business with a camera that points toward the street for a copy of their footage. Most of the businesses record over the tapes, but he finds three that don't. I think it was a couple of pawn shops and a laundromat, maybe? He obtains footage of Lassio driving, Gabriel in the passenger seat, and me in the backseat. You can't see me on the way back, but the tape shows them driving both ways.

"He returns to the school, tells me that he has evidence now, and that with my help, he can prosecute them. I tell him that I did go to a doctor with them, and although I refuse to tell him anything else, he decides that's enough to open a legit investigation. He talks to a couple of my teachers, and they confirm that, despite me being a pretty stoic kid, I seemed to be in pain for a couple of weeks, and they tell him the rumors that my mother is an addict, and maybe that's connected.

“He takes the tapes and the statements to his captain and to the district attorney, but neither of them want to touch it. Lassio has friends on the force, and Stiedbeck makes sure that police in his district receive the best equipment, funding, and training. The DA doesn't think he can be re-elected if he prosecutes a congressman's kid, especially if he loses the case. Tillerman is in a different county, so there's a question about jurisdiction and cooperation.

"Ultimately, they decline to prosecute–entirely due to politics. Daly isn't willing to risk his career by picking a fight with his captain and the DA, so he backs off, except that he calls child protective services to interview me at school. I refuse to talk to them, disillusioned by the system's failure, and they close the case due to lack of evidence.”

This is the first time I’ve told the entire story aloud, and I roll my eyes at its horror–and the lack of justice in the criminal system.

"Fast forward a few years to the scoliosis check. Ms. Peggy remembers Daly questioning teachers a few years ago, calls him, and tells him about the scars. He goes back to his captain and the DA and says, 'Look, now we have real proof that someone is abusing this girl.' They don't support him then either. They tell him it's the same problems as before, plus, now they'd have to justify why they didn't press charges years ago.

"He helps make the arrangements for me to live with Peggy for the remainder of high school, but he says politics have tied his hands on everything else."

I shrug. "We hadn't seen or spoken in four years. Then he volunteered for the assignment to tell me that Mama OD'ed, and honestly Colin–for just a second–I thought he might have snapped and killed her.

"After I told him that I don't care what happens with the body or possessions, he told me that Tillerman lost his license last year and is facing criminal charges that won't stick. Then he told me that his captain is retiring at the end of the year and asked if I wanted to help him with the case."

"Wait," Colin finally interrupts, “he wants you to prosecute these guys?!"

"Says he'll request that the DA recuse himself, so the ADA can prosecute."

Colin strokes my arm. "Do you want to do that?"

I shake my head violently. "No! It's career suicide for him. It would require a lot of invasive medical tests for me, and the uber-expensive lawyers would rip me apart like a wolf with a gazelle. A girl with a crackhead mother and a fragile eleven-year-old memory? There's no way that we win that case.

"I made it very clear to him that I have no interest in pursuing this, but he left his card and told me to call if I changed my mind or wanted to talk. The man is a walking pile of guilt."

"Maybe he's dying."

I nod. "Seriously, maybe so. He acted desperate to close his old cases, including this one. I thought it was just guilt, but cancer would also be a good explanation."

Colin sighs. "Now what?"

I shrug again, but tears slip from my eyes. "Now, nothing. I push it back into the bottle. I bury it in the depths of my brain, like I have for the last four years, and I forget about it."

I sniffle. "Really, it's just like any other day, right? Mama was bound to OD eventually."

I rub my face. "But why did Daly have to tell me? Why couldn't he just let this go? If it was just two random police officers, I could mourn and move on. But now…"

I look into Colin’s eyes, and my voice cracks. "I have finals in a few weeks. We're going to be parents. You've helped me live in the moment, and I desperately want to continue that." A contorted smile twitches. "Things were so good. And now… now everything is broken again."

He wipes a tear from my cheek and kisses my forehead. "It's not broken, Ra'Shelle. You're still you. Things will be fine. You're just raw right now."

He lightly rubs my arm. "If you really don't want to prosecute these guys, toss Daly's card in a box or throw it away, and spend some time grieving for your mother. Feel your feelings."

I cry harder and bury my head against his shoulder, struggling to regain control. "Colin, I shouldn't have…" I choke.

He pulls back. "Shouldn't have what, babe?"

I swallow, but my voice cracks anyway. "I shouldn't have told you."

He rubs my back. "I’m glad you did, Ra'Shelle. That's clearly a big part of your childhood. For better or worse, it's part of what made you who you are today. It helps me understand you, and it definitely helps me understand why you reacted this way.”

My crying intensifies. "I'm so sorry, Colin. I really am."

He wraps his arms around me and picks me up, as he rolls onto his back. He slowly releases me so that I’m directly on top of him. "Don't be sorry. I'm glad that I know."

It’s not the first time he’s held me after a brutal story, but this still feels different. I place my hands behind his shoulders and let my body collapse. With my right ear pressed against his collarbone, I stare at the wall, feeling the tears fall down my nose and onto his chest.

"You keep talking about this woman you see in me. I don't really see her, but I believe that you do."

He wraps his arms completely around my back, holding me tightly to him. "I see her every day."

Involuntarily, I squeeze my eyes closed, and more tears cascade onto his skin. "I want to be her. Lying on you, sobbing about something that happened years ago, barely able to talk… that's 1985 Ra'Shelle. That's the Ra'Shelle you met. Where's 1987 Ra'Shelle? The one who’s adopting a baby with her husband? The one who wears orange? The one who starts a real job in a few months? Where is she?"

"She's still right here."

I shake my head and whisper, "No, she's not.”

His arms still fully around me, he rubs my sides. "Babe, you're not two separate people. You can be strong and still be vulnerable. You can be assertive and still have moments of emotion and doubt. I love confident, optimistic Ra'Shelle. You know that I do. But I fell in love with 1985 Ra'Shelle, and I’m still in love with her, too." He sighs. "You should never feel guilty for being emotional, especially around me.

"I need to understand you. I want to understand you. I want to know what triggers you and what makes you remember. I want to know you. I want to celebrate with you on your best days and hold you on your worst. I don't see you as two different people, but even if I did, I wouldn’t want you to feel like you’re required to be 1987 Ra'Shelle to be worthy of love, devotion, and protection.”

He very quietly begins to sing. "Here we are. Out here, me and you."

I sniffle and look up at him, cracking a smile. "Not that one."

He smiles and kisses my nose. "Which one?"

"Our song."

"Let's see if I can remember it."

I scoff. "As if you'd forget."

He begins singing again. "I just want to show my feelings for you."

I lay my ear back on his collarbone, my fingers squeezing his shoulders.

"There's nothing that I'd rather do…" He’s waiting for my typical contribution.

"Than?"

"Than spend every moment with you. I guess you should know. I love you so…"

"Why?"

"You are my lady. You're everything I need and more."

"And?"

"You are my lady. You're all I'm living for."

He grins before changing to an off-key falsetto. "You are my lady!"

"Oh, Colin," I say with mock annoyance as I begin to slowly roll off of him.

He follows me, his arms still wrapped around me. We’re side-by-side again, and he smiles as I rub his arm. His voice normalizes. "You're everything I need and more."

He kisses my cheek. "Do you think you can go back to sleep?"

I nod. "Are you staying with me?"

"Ra'Shelle, there is nothing in this world that could take me away from you."

He kisses my forehead. "Close your eyes."

"Because you’re going to sing about sailing away?"

He rubs my back with his thumbs. "Close your eyes."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, resting my hand on his bicep.

He sings softly, listening to my breathing. "Sail on, silver girl. Sail on by. Your time has come to shine. All your dreams are on their way; see how they shine. Oh if you need a friend, I'm sailing right behind."

He holds me, gently rubbing my back, as I slowly slip into sleep. "Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind."