Chapter 15: May 2, 1986: Part II

When we arrive in my room, I sit on my bed, and he stands in front of me.

"Okay, handsome, tell me your idea."

He kicks off his sandals and lifts his t-shirt over his head. I grin. "So far, no complaints."

He smiles as he slowly unbuttons, unzips, and removes his jeans.

My grin grows. "Colin?"

He kneels by the bed and kisses me. "Can I touch you?"

The butterflies flutter, and I nod. Although he’ll knock his shoulder against mine, or wrap an arm around my shoulders in public, he’s careful with me once either of us is half-naked. Maybe it’s dumb that he’s still asking for permission, but I love it. It makes me feel safe, respected, and loved. And it beckons the butterflies too.

Placing his hands under my shirt, he helps me lift it over my head. I slip out of my flats and push them under the bed.

He moves his hands to my hips and unbuttons my jeans. I lay back and help him slip them off.

He stares at my teal briefs and lavender bra with one of the thin straps hanging off my shoulder. I’ve long since given up on color coordination.

He takes a deep breath. "God, you're gorgeous."

My ears burn. "You don't have to stare."

He grins. "As if you don't stare at me."

"Touché," I chuckle.

"Let's move under the sheet."

I comply, and he holds me for a moment. "Will you let me remove your bra?"

I swallow, then nod.

Smoothly, he unhooks the back, slips his finger between the cups, and pulls on it gently. He sets it on the desk, then crosses his arms over my chest. My breathing quickens, and he softly kisses my shoulder.

He takes a deep breath. "We’ve experienced this level of nakedness more than a few times."

I sigh happily, remembering. "Yes."

"And you've handled this okay."

“Yeah.”

"So, let's take it to the next level."

I inhale sharply. "What level is that?"

"Let's be naked. Both of us, together."

I wait for my nerves to itch, but they don’t. "Okay."

"Who do you want to go first?"

I take a deep breath. "Me."

He releases me and watches the sheet move before he wraps his right arm around my shoulders and drapes his left arm over my stomach. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." And I am, I think.

"My turn, okay?"

I nod.

Keeping his right arm around my shoulders, he uses his left hand to remove his boxers and drops them on the floor. He leans away from me. "Ready?"

"Yes." It comes out a little squeakier than I intended.

He wraps his left arm around my torso and slowly pushes himself forward. He bends his knees into mine like we’re puzzle pieces.

Maybe we are.

I take a shallow breath. "Tell me. Say the thing."

He strokes my shoulder. "It's just you and me. Colin and Ra'Shelle. It's just you and me. No one else exists." He kisses my shoulder, then my neck.

"I can feel you," I whisper.

"You've felt me before."

"Not like this."

"Nothing's happening, Ra'Shelle,” he says softly. “We're just lying here, talking."

I know he feels my shaky, uneven breaths. "Are you okay?" he asks.

I push back into him, maximizing contact with his warm skin and grip his right arm.

He tightens his protective hug. "Ra'Shelle?"

"Colin, did I make a mistake?"

He strokes my shoulder. "When?"

"The phone call."

"No… You're feeling guilty?"

I sigh heavily. "Yes."

"You have nothing to feel guilty about."

"Would you tell me if I did?"

"Have I ever lied to you?"

I genuinely ponder this question, and, as always, he waits patiently. "No."

"There's your answer."

I rub my face. "Let's talk about something else."

“Okay, well…” Over the year, he’d grown his hair from a slight stubble to a tight 'fro. Last month, he had finally conformed to the culture. "I'm shaving this mess after finals."

"Not feelin’ the Jheri curl anymore?"

"I don't know what I was thinking. I don't like anything labor-intensive unless it’s art. Think you could still love me, hairless?"

I smile. "I’ll try.”

He kisses my shoulder. “Your turn. What do you want to talk about?”

I press against him. "This."

Slowly, I roll over, facing but not touching him. I place my left arm under my head; he mirrors me.

I tentatively rest my right hand on his hip and lean forward, kissing him softly.

I slowly move my fingers along his hip and take control. My fingertips tease him at first, but they fulfill their promises. Our legs are pretzels, our kisses passionate, urgent.

My mind wanders, but I bring myself back. I’ve finally learned how to do that.

Kissing him is intoxicating, exhilarating, liberating. Whether it’s hesitant and tender or fervent and lustful makes no difference. It’s always meaningful, honest, and attentive.

He moves his hand from my shoulder to my back, gently pressing me toward him. With someone else, I’d feel trapped, but with him, I only feel protected, loved.

He breaks the kiss to let out a low groan, and we hold each other close.

"That was unexpected." He stares into my eyes. "You okay?"

I grin. “So good.”

"I worried about you."

I kiss him slowly and wrap my arms around him. "Maybe you don't need to worry so much."

And I really hope that’s true.

***

We spend most of the afternoon talking in bed. A few hours later, I roll over and stare at the ceiling. "Listen, there’s something we need to talk about, something I need to tell you."

He props his head on his hand. "I’m listening."

I take a deep breath. "The picture. The swing set with the kids."

He smiles. "You know, I drew a lot of pictures last semester. Better ones."

I roll my eyes. "Colin?"

"I'm sorry. The swing set. What about it?"

"You want kids, right?"

"You and I would need to discuss that."

"Yeah, here's the thing." I take another deep breath, as if that‘ll help. "I'm probably infertile."

"Probably?"

"If we were in Vegas, I'd bet all my money on it."

He watches me, but now I’m unreadable. "Why do you believe that, love?"

I stare at him. "I don't want to tell that story, Colin."

"Maybe you should."

I consider his words, then shake my head. "At least not tonight, okay?"

"Okay." He rubs my shoulder. "We can adopt, Ra'Shelle. We can explore our options."

He pauses, and I know what’s coming next. "How long did this bother you?"

I bite my lip. "A while."

"Why… Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't see the point until you proposed. Plus, you know…" I bite my lip harder.

"Ra'Shelle?"

"You drew the swing set."

"So, what?"

"I was… I was afraid." I sigh loudly.

He rubs my shoulder. "Afraid of what, babe?" he asks gently.

I know my next words are a mistake before I say them, but they’re also honest. "I thought that… it might be a deal-breaker."

He rubs his face, a common reaction to difficult assignments or drawings not working, but it’s only the second time that I’ve triggered it. A knot grows in my stomach.

"You thought I might break off our engagement because you might be incapable of having kids for some horrific reason that you don't want to tell me?"

I sigh. "Well, when you say it like that…”

"Ra'Shelle, I'm hurt." His voice isn’t angry, but I rarely hear it this firm.

"Sorry," I whisper.

He knows that I am.

"I understand that you have insecurities and neuroses, and you're working through them. I completely understand." He strokes my cheek with his thumb. "But babe, you have to trust me. You have to let me in. Let me be a part of this. We're partners."

He smiles slightly. "Just you and me. Right?"

"Just you and me." I snuggle against him, and he wraps his arms around me.

"I love you, Ra'Shelle."

And I know that he does.

"I love you, too, Colin, even if you shave your head.”