Chapter 78: Bad Decision

Lightheaded. That's how I feel once I move away from Antonio. As I catch my breath, I feel traces of kisses on my neck and down to my chest. The desire my body craves outweighs the logic in my head. Despite me being his first, Antonio sure does move like an experienced one. I hate that I like what he's doing to my body. My mind says no, yet my body keeps wanting more from him. It's like I'm under his spell, with nothing else in my mind but his fervent kiss and touch.

Coming to my senses, I gently grab Antonio's head, stopping him from what he's doing. The worries in his eyes are unmistakable. He gazes straight into my eyes, silently searching for answers to the questions in his mind. I avoid his gaze, suddenly feeling nervous.

What's wrong with me? I was the one who did it first, and now I'm scared of what will happen. Fucking hell. I shouldn't have even done this in the first place. I act like I can handle it at first, but then I become a scaredy-cat right after. This is where fake confidence will bring me.

"Are you okay?" Antonio asks.

Feeling as though I'm about to faint, I blink my eyes rapidly and take in a deep breath. Antonio moves a strand of hair from my face, gently forcing me to look at him. I stare back at him, and my vision becomes blurry as my breathing fastens. With my hands on his shoulder, I hold onto Antonio to steady myself.

Shit. Am I having an anxiety attack now? Out of all time? Why? Why the fuck is this happening right now? I was more than fine earlier. Why am I panicking right now?

"Hey, hey, hey. Breathe with me, okay? Take in a deep breath," Antonio says calmly. I do as he said, slowly filling my lungs with air. Closing my eyes, I can feel my heart racing inside my chest. I ignore it and continue to breathe at a slower pace, listening to Antonio's direction. I keep breathing and feel myself becoming calmer than before.

"Now breathe out slowly one last time," Antonio says.

I let the air leave my body slowly. Right now, my heart is finally beating more slowly, and my body has become more relaxed than before. Once my lungs are empty of air, I take one more deep breath and open my eyes as I exhale. My eyes immediately meet Antonio's. In his gaze and the way his eyebrows knit together, he seems not to be free from worries yet. His focus is set on soothing me from my anxiety.

"How are you feeling now?" Antonio asks.

"Better," I say, looking away from him as nervousness begins to creep inside me again. I silently breathe deeply and sigh in relief. Now that I've calmed down, my vision clears from the tears that were welling up in my eyes.

"I'm sorry for scaring you. I got a bit carried away," Antonio says.

"No, I'm sorry," I say.

"Never apologise. It's not your fault," Antonio says.

Antonio apologises, yet it's not even his fault. I hate to admit it, but I actually liked what he was doing to me. Call it desperation, but it's been a while since I've had such an experience. Ever since that night with Paolo, when he drugged me and almost had his way with me, I've been in constant doubt when it comes to intimacy and relationships in general. I know that this shouldn't have happened, but I'm starting to like him even more, which is bad because that means his pretence has worked on me. If he doesn't truly like me, I've truly fallen into the Ricci's trap. I should stop myself before everything gets worse, but I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to let go of him.

"Thank you," I say, frowning at Antonio. Still on his lap, I pull him close and bury my face in the crook of his neck. For a second, I can feel his hesitation in the way his body freezes, but he embraces me anyway, providing me warmth against the cold breeze around us.

That was close. Thank goodness he still has some sense in him. If not, he would be just like any other man I've been with in the past: forceful and has no regard for consent. If Antonio really is just like them, fuck all my plans. I'd rather leave than hurt myself even more. I'll avenge my mother and brothers' deaths in a different way.

We stay there in silence. With Antonio softly stroking the back of my head, I feel myself getting drowsy. The warm water surrounding us makes me even sleepier. At this moment, being in Antonio's arms feels comforting, safe even, despite knowing what his hidden motives might be. Gosh. I guess I really am that desperate. This is such a bad decision. The worst one I've made.

I move away from him, staring at his still concerned face. With a smile and my hand on the side of his face, I place a soft kiss on his lips. The worry on his face fades a little as he returns my smile with a glum smile. My gaze drifts away from him as thoughts of different scenarios of us play in my mind.

Fuck. I should stop this. Remember Dante. He's the one you want, not Antonio. He's nothing compared to Dante. Yeah. I can't keep doing this. I can't do this to Dante. Doing this feels like betraying him in the worst way possible. I've confessed to him first, and he doesn't deserve this, even if I do this for our best interest to reveal who the Ricci truly are.

I leave Antonio's lap, sitting right next to him instead and put my head on his shoulder, rethinking my options. After what has happened, I need to think of something better. Doing things differently will be better for me and my sanity. At the moment, the only strategy I have in mind is to draw him into me with lust. However, this shallow strategy of mine won't last long. He'd want more than he's admitted, and lose his patience and force himself on me instead, and that I couldn't allow to happen. So, I need a totally different approach to get him to confess.

"Are you still up for dinner outside tonight?" Antonio asks.

"Of course. I'd still love to try their pasta arrabbiata," I say.

"Alright," Antonio says, chuckling a little. He pulls me closer by the waist and places his head on top of mine as we watch the sun moving further towards the horizon. As we have planned earlier, we continue to watch the sky until sunset, drinking warm Earl Grey tea and eating biscuits and cookies in each other's arms.

After an hour of soaking in the warm, relaxing water, the sun has finally begun to set, leaving the sky a stunning mix of orange and blue colours. The sea also turns sparkly as it reflects the sunlight. I admire the view in front of me in silence as I take a sip of my tea. My calmness turns to discomfort as a strong breeze suddenly blows towards us, making me shiver from the sudden cold air.

"You're shivering. Are you cold?" Antonio asks.

"Yeah. Must've been the wind," I joke.

"It definitely is. Let's get inside."

It's funny how everything has come to this; to me liking Antonio and not just faking it. Surely enough, it should be easy for me to move on from him. After all I've known about his family's secret business and relationship with the Romanos, especially Fabio and Mariano, I know we won't last forever, even if he ends up being the good guy among the evils.

Truly, I've been entertaining a relationship with nowhere to go. Soon enough, we'll finally reach the dead end where the future for the two of us is nonexistent. Our relationship will be nothing but a distant memory. The memory of us will be something of the past; Nothing less, nothing more. It will be a remembrance with no return. Something that could be revisited, but never renewed.

I hope Antonio won't end up being one of my crazy exes. That would genuinely be a shame if he ends up being that kind of person after the kindness and understanding he's shown me all this time. However, I'd understand if that happens. I mean, who wouldn't go crazy after being led on for months into thinking someone loves you and then have all those feelings shattered after figuring out that their feelings for you are fake? Honestly, I'd gone mad, too. He wouldn't be to blame, but I do hope he won't end up being a psychopath after all this ends.