Chapter 104 First Night
CAITLYN'S POV
I could not sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw him. Collin was standing there with his gun pointed at me. His face twisted with rage and hatred. His finger on the trigger. And then the sound of the gunshot. Over and over again in my head.
I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. The room was dark except for a little light coming in from the street. Jason was next to me breathing slowly and steadily. He had finally fallen asleep about an hour ago. I did not want to wake him. He needed rest too. His shoulder was still healing.
But I was scared. So scared. Every shadow looked like a person. Every sound outside made me jump. What if Collin was not really dead? What if he came back? What if he found me here?
I knew it was crazy. I knew he was dead. I had seen his body. Detective Rourke had confirmed it. But my brain would not listen to logic. My brain just kept showing me images of Collin. Kept replaying his voice saying he was going to kill the baby and me.
The baby kicked and I put my hand on my stomach. At least the baby was okay. At least that was one good thing.
"You okay little one?" I whispered. "I am sorry I am so messed up right now. I am trying to be strong for you. I really am."
The baby kicked again. Harder this time. Like the baby was answering me. Like the baby was saying it is okay Mom. We are safe now.
I tried to close my eyes again. Tried to relax. But the second my eyes shut I saw Collin's face. Saw him raising the gun. Saw him about to shoot Jason. I gasped and my eyes flew open.
My heart was racing. Pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. I could not breathe right. Could not get enough air. My hands were shaking. My whole body was shaking.
This was a panic attack. I had read about them but I had never had one before. Not like this. Not this bad.
"Jason," I said. My voice came out as a whisper. "Jason please."
He did not wake up. He was too deeply asleep. I reached over and shook his good shoulder.
"Jason," I said louder. "Jason I need you."
His eyes opened and he looked at me confused for a second. Then he saw my face and sat up fast.
"What is wrong?" he asked. "Are you okay? Is it the baby?"
"I cannot breathe," I said. "I cannot stop seeing him. Cannot stop seeing Collin."
"Okay," Jason said. He moved closer and took my hands. "Okay listen to me. You are having a panic attack. You need to breathe with me. Can you do that?"
I nodded but I could not get my breathing under control. It kept coming in short fast gasps.
"In through your nose," Jason said. He breathed in slowly to show me. "And out through your mouth."
He breathed out. I tried to copy him but my breath was all wrong. Too fast. Too shallow.
"It is okay," Jason said. "Just keep trying. In and out. Nice and slow."
He kept breathing with me. Kept showing me the rhythm. After a few minutes, I started to match him. My breathing slowed down. My heart stopped racing quite so fast.
"That is it," Jason said. "You are doing great. Just keep breathing."
"I am sorry," I said. "I am so sorry. You were sleeping and I woke you up."
"Do not apologize," Jason said. "You needed me. That is what I am here for."
"I keep seeing him," I said. Tears were running down my face now. "Every time I close my eyes he is there. Standing over me with his gun. Telling me he is going to kill me. Kill the baby."
"But he did not kill you," Jason said. "He is dead Caitlyn. Rourke shot him. He cannot hurt you anymore."
"I know that," I said. "I know it in my head. But I cannot make my brain believe it. Cannot make the images stop."
"That is normal," Jason said. "You went through something really bad. Your brain is trying to process it. It is going to take time."
"How much time?" I asked. "How long until I can sleep without seeing his face?"
"I do not know," Jason said. "Everyone is different. But it will get better. I promise it will get better."
I wanted to believe him but I did not know if I could. What if this were my life now? What if I never stopped having nightmares? What if I were broken forever?
The baby kicked again. A strong kick right under my ribs. I winced.
"Baby is awake," I said.
"Can I feel?" Jason asked.
I took his hand and put it on my stomach. The baby kicked right where his hand was and Jason smiled.
"Wow," he said. "That was a good one."
"Baby has been kicking all night," I said. "Like the baby knows I am upset."
"Maybe the baby is trying to comfort you," Jason said. "Trying to let you know everything is okay."
"Maybe," I said.
We sat there with his hand on my stomach. The baby kept kicking and moving around. It was the only thing that made me feel calm. The only thing that reminded me of why I had to keep going. Why did I have to get better?
"I am scared Jason," I said. "I am so scared all the time. Scared of shadows. Scared of noises. Scared of everything."
"I know," Jason said. "But you are safe here. I promise. No one is going to hurt you."
"What if they do?" I asked. "What if someone from Collins ' organization comes after me? What if they want revenge?"
"That is not going to happen," Jason said. "Rourke arrested everyone. The whole organization is falling apart. There is no one left to come after you."
"But what if there is?" I asked. "What if there is someone we do not know about? Someone who is still out there?"
"Then I will protect you," Jason said. "Me and the crew. We will keep you safe. I swear it."
"You cannot be with me every second," I said. "You have to work. You have to live your life."
"My life is with you now," Jason said. "You and the baby. That is all that matters to me."
I looked at him. At his face in the dim light. He meant it. He really meant it. He would do anything to keep me safe.
"I love you," I said. "I love you so much Jason. I do not know what I would do without you."
"You are never going to have to find out," Jason said. "Because I am not going anywhere."
He leaned in and kissed me. Soft and gentle. When he pulled back I felt a little bit calmer. A little bit safer.
I closed my eyes and this time Collin's face did not appear. This time all I saw was darkness. Peaceful darkness. And I felt Jason next to me. Felt his hand on my back. Felt the baby quiet in my stomach.
And slowly I drifted off to sleep. Not a deep sleep. Not a restful sleep. But sleep. And when the nightmares came a few hours later Jason was there. Just like he promised. Holding me. Talking to me. Bringing me back to reality.
And that was enough. For now, that was enough.