When I got home, I instantly locked myself in my room and began to plan how I was going to leave again. I knew I was going to hurt everyone once more but I couldn’t bring myself to stay. I was going to lose myself if I decided to stay.
I only stepped out of my room to eat dinner with my family and once I was done, I rushed back into the room to avoid the conversation with grandma. She knew what I was doing and I knew she was just buying her time until she could catch me unawares and she caught me in the morning when I was getting ready for work.
I was getting dressed when she walked into my room and shut the door behind her. I started frantically looking for an escape but she stood next to me in front of the mirror.
“When are you leaving again?” she asked and I opened my mouth to refute but she cut me off. “Don’t lie to me Leindra. I know you better than anyone and I know you can’t stay here. What happened to make you come back here?”
I told her about how I lost my job and I couldn’t pay rent. She listened intently and I saw sympathy take over her features. When I was done, I could feel the familiar feeling of failure creeping up the back of my neck and I avoided her gaze so I wouldn’t see the pity and disappointment in her eyes.
“You have always been a dreamer, Leindra,” she said softly. “I always knew you were made for more. Sometimes, it is alright to take a step back and relax or ask for help.”
“I don’t need help,” I said and she raised her hand in surrender. “I’m late for work, Grandma. I’ll see you later.”
I made my way to the door and I was almost out of the room when she stopped me.
“This time, leave the right way. You hurt a lot of people with your actions the last time. The last thing you should do is hurt them again.”
I opened my mouth to speak but no words could come out so instead, I nodded and walked out of the room.
I met Chris at the table and the air stretched thin with tension. All he said was a mumbled good morning and he buried his head into his bowl of cereal as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. I felt so uncomfortable that I lost my appetite so I just took an apple and walked out of the house.
I spent the entire drive to the bookstore thinking of how I was going to make it up to him but I couldn’t think of anything. I didn’t know any of his new hobbies and I made a mental note to learn them.
When I got to the bookstore, Mr. Hemming was so excited to see me. He pulled me inside as if he was scared that I was going to change my mind and give up the job at the last minute. He didn’t know that I needed the job more than he needed me to take the job.
“We open at nine if you’ve forgotten,” he began slowly. “All you have to do is arrange the books on the right shelves. They are arranged by genre and title and then you check out books and handle the returns. Can you do that?”
“I’m sure I can,” I said and he practically squealed.
“I have to run out to get some new deliveries but I am sure you can handle everything in here.”
Before I could say anything, he practically ran out of the bookstore leaving me in silence with just the books as my company. I let out a sigh and decided to start arranging the books to fill up my time. It took a while but it was enough to occupy my thoughts.
Only a few people entered the bookstore and they were mostly old people who wanted the daily newspaper. There was only one customer who was my age and she was looking for a book for school. I recognized her as one of my old classmates but she didn’t recognize me. I wondered if I had changed more than I thought or if she just pretended not to know me because we were not exactly friends.
I was at the back when Mr. Hemming returned with the new books. He told me to go on a break while he handled the bookstore for the next few minutes and I thanked him because my stomach had started to rumble.
I had gotten out of the store when I realized I didn’t have any money on me. I cursed to myself and decided to check in my car if I still had some leftover change from my trip. I had begun to lose hope until I saw a stray ten dollar bill near the hand brake and I almost fell on my knees in thanks to the god.
I went to the store opposite the bookstore and ordered a burger and a drink. It took five dollars and I kept the rest in my pocket. I planned to keep that as long as I could and made a mental note to pack lunch from home to avoid spending money. I needed to save up if I planned to leave as soon as possible.
I took my order to go and as I started walking down the road back to the bookstore, I couldn’t help but have my attention drawn once more to the cemetery. In all my years, I hadn’t been to see my parent’s grave. After the funeral, I refused to go there again. My grandma tried to convince me but I couldn’t bring myself to go there.
It would have made everything too real and I didn’t want to think about it. Sometimes when I closed my eyes, I could still picture that day. I could smell it and see it clearly and I knew guilt would swallow me whole if I made my way into the cemetery.
Tears gathered in my eyes and I forced myself to look away. I discreetly wiped away those tears and then I felt it again, that feeling at the back of my neck that let me know whenever someone was watching me. I discreetly looked around wondering who was staring and then I saw him- the stranger from before.
This time, he was across the street and leaning against a large bike. He had shades over his eyes so I still couldn’t see the color of his eyes but his hair was tied up into a ponytail. Even though his eyes were covered, I knew he was staring directly at me and I felt my skin prickle from the heat and the intensity of his stare.
I crossed my arms over my chest and raised a brow in an almost challenging manner. I saw the corner of his lips quirk up as he watched me. I was about to shout something out to him when I heard the door to the bookstore open.
“What are you doing out there?” Mr. Hemming asked.
“Nothing, I’m coming in now.”
He nodded and went back into the store. I turned back to where the stranger was but he was nowhere to be seen. It was like him and his bike had disappeared into thin air.
As I walked into the bookstore, I couldn’t brush off the feeling that he was somewhere watching me.