Chapter 118 When the Fighter Breaks
NYX
Found Theron in the training yard at midnight. Alone. Beating a practice dummy to pieces.
"Commander." I kept my distance. He was dangerous when volatile. "You should rest. Been here six hours."
"Can't rest. Can't stop." He hit the dummy again. Wood cracked. "Can't think about it."
"About what?"
"About choosing. Dissolution. Whether I wanna keep doing this." He stopped. Breathing hard. "Whether Mira had the right idea. Whether pain outweighs purpose. Whether merging sounds better."
My blood went cold. "You're actually considering the First Ones."
"I'm exhausted, Nyx. Three hundred years of fighting. Losing people. Surviving when everyone I cared about is gone." He turned. Eyes empty. "Your father has you. Has purpose. What do I have? Why stay separate when being whole means not feeling this?"
"You have us. The kingdom. People who need you."
"Need me for what? More battles? More deaths?" He laughed, but it came out broken. "I'm tired of being needed. Tired of being strong. Tired of existing just to serve while pain keeps piling up."
I moved closer. "What changed? You seemed fine yesterday."
"Yesterday I buried the last person from my original battalion. Last person who remembered me before I became Commander." His voice broke. "She was ninety-three. Human. Looked at me dying and said 'You'll outlive us all. You'll be alone forever.' She wasn't wrong."
"You're not—"
"I have people who need me. Who see Commander Theron, not just Theron." He slumped against the wall. "Haven't been just a person in centuries. Just a position. Just what I can do instead of who I am."
"That's not true. Father values you—"
"Does he? Or does he value three hundred years of loyalty?" Theron looked at me. "When's the last time he asked how I'm doing? When's anyone asked what I want instead of what I can provide?"
Couldn't answer. He was right. We took him for granted.
"I'm sorry. Should've noticed—"
"Not your fault. I hid it." He smiled, but it was sad. "That's the thing. Been hiding so long I forgot what not hiding even feels like."
Sat beside him. "Tell me what you need."
"Don't know. Been a soldier so long I don't remember what else I could be."
"Then we figure it out together." I took his hand. "You don't gotta be Commander every second. You're allowed to just be a person."
"What if there's nothing there? What if I'm just a weapon?" His voice got small. "What if I peel back the Commander and there's just emptiness that wants to stop?"
"Then we build something. Make a person where there's only been a role." I squeezed his hand. "You're not empty. You're running on fumes. But there's a person there. You just need time."
"Time. How much?" He pulled away. "The First Ones offer instant peace. Why suffer through decades when merging gives immediate relief?"
"Because you matter—"
"Because you're selfish." Not angry. Just stating facts. "You want me to stay for you. For the kingdom. Everyone except me."
Hit like a punch. He was right.
"Yeah. I'm being selfish." I stood. "But I'm asking because we love you. Because losing you would break us."
"Love doesn't make pain bearable." He looked at me. "If you really loved me, you'd let me choose."
"I can't. Can't let you go without fighting." My voice cracked. "Please, Theron. Please don't choose dissolution. Give us a chance to show you existence is worth it."
"How long? How much suffering before I've earned the right to stop?" Not cruel. Just honest. "Give me a timeline."
Couldn't answer. Any timeline was just me being selfish.
"I don't know. I just..." Broke. Actually broke. Tears came. "I can't lose you too. Lost Mother. Lost Mira. Lost seven people in three months. Can't lose you. Please."
He pulled me close. Let me cry. Let me be scared kid instead of powerful time-walker.
"Not choosing today. Not this week. Maybe not at all." His voice was gentle. "But I need you to accept that someday I might. Someday pain might win. And when that happens, I need you to let me go instead of forcing me to stay."
"Can't promise that. Can't promise I won't fight."
"Then we're stuck. Because I can't promise I'll stay just to spare you pain." He pulled back. "So we live with uncertainty. We hope today's not the day I choose dissolution. And we hope tomorrow isn't either."
"That's terrifying."
"That's real." He wiped my tears. "But here's what I can promise. I'll try. I'll look for the person under Commander. I'll work with your support systems. I'll give existing a fair shot before choosing peace. That enough?"
"It has to be." Demanding more was forcing. "Just please try hard. Really try."
"Promise." He stood. Helped me up. "Now let's sleep. Tomorrow we start finding Theron instead of just Commander."
Walked back together. Both terrified. Both uncertain.
Father was waiting in my chambers. "You were with Theron. Felt your fear."
"Theron's considering dissolution. Exhausted. Questioning if existence is worth it." I collapsed. "He's the strongest person I know and he's breaking. What's that mean for everyone else?"
"Means the First Ones were right. Pain piles up. Suffering compounds." Father sat. "Means we gotta decide how hard we fight to keep people from choosing it."
"When does fighting for someone become forcing them?"
"Don't know. Been wrestling with that since Mira." He looked exhausted. Old. "Just hoping we can make staying attractive enough."
"What if we can't? What if they're right?"
"Then they're right. And we let people choose peace even though it kills us." His voice was firm. "Because the alternative is tyranny."
"I hate that being good means losing people."
"Me too. But that's what it means to be better than Morvenna." He pulled me close. "We make staying attractive. We fight for people without forcing them. Some will still choose leaving."
"What if someone I love chooses and I can't let them?"
"Then you become a tyrant." He kissed my forehead. "So you find strength. Find courage. That's maturity."
"Don't feel powerful. Feel helpless."
"Good. Helplessness keeps you humble." He stood. "Rest. Tomorrow we help Theron. Hope it's enough."
Tried to sleep. Failed. Mind racing.
Theron was considering dissolution. If he could break, anyone could.
Meant we were losing. Slowly. To something we couldn't fight.
Nothing I could do except make today better. Make connection stronger.
Felt impossible. Like fighting gravity.
But I'd try. Because that's what Mother died for.
Fighting battles you can't win because they need fighting.
Loving people you might lose because they need loving.
Hoped it was enough. Hoped we could save Theron.
Hoped the First Ones were wrong.
Wasn't sure anymore. And that kept me awake all night.