Chapter 44
He gently sets me down on the ground, his mouth never leaving my skin as he once again connects our lips. My fingers sink into his hair as his arms come around my waist, lifting me closer to his body. Shivers run down my spine as his fingertips run across my bare back and his teeth nip at sensitive skin just under my right earlobe. I can’t control the moan that leaves my lips, my body pressing closer to him as he assaults the spot while my hands rake down his back, trying to grab onto any part of him I can manage. He moves my hair over my left shoulder, lips moving towards the back of my neck, where a Kin mark is usually placed and that brings me out of my lust filled haze.
“Wait.” The word is a gasp as I press my hands onto his chest to create a little bit of distance between us. His pained groan slices right through my chest as our eyes meet, his eyes filled with want and confusion. “We can’t do this.” I breathe, my own heart breaking at the realization. His chest visibly moves under my palms as he takes a deep breath.
“I…” He takes a few steps back, ripping the warmth of his body away from me, leaving me feeling cold. “Did I do something wrong?” He looks about as pained as I feel when the question leaves his lips.
“No, you didn’t. Quite the opposite.” I admit, still very aware of the throbbing between my legs.
“Then, why? Do you not want me?” He looks a little angry now but despite that I move closer to him, taking his hand in mine as he stares down at me, a deep frown nestled between his green eyes.
“You have no idea how much I want you.” I breathe, resting my forehead against his chest, feeling the fast-paced beating of his heart, glad it matches mine. “You’re not mine to want though.” I groan, closing my eyes, not wanting to face the reality of the situation.
“I’m yours in every way that matters.” He quietly admits, his hand cupping the back of my neck, thumb caressing the heartbreak away. “My heart has been beating only for you since the moment you joined this clan. I don’t breathe right when you’re not close to me.” I curl my fingers around the lapels of his vest, gently shaking my head.
“You have a Kin out there, one that’s waiting for you as I waited for mine and I will not be the reason for someone else’s heartbreak.” As much as I want to be selfish, I can’t be. Not when I know of how long the heartbreak of a rejection stings. Leaving you so empty you think you’ll never feel whole again.
“Hydra, I have no Kin.” I pull back from him, shocked to my core. “I lost her when I was young. We barely knew each other before she was murdered in a clan invasion.” I stare at him with wide eyes, my mind scrambled.
“You might find a second chance.” I eventually whisper, this knowledge too real to ignore. He sighs, running his hands over his face, through his hair and rests them behind his neck before he turns his back on me and then just as quickly looks at me again.
“If I had one, I think I would have found her by now.” He drops his hands, looking like a tired teacher trying to explain a complicated math equation with a simple answer to a student.
“You don’t leave the clan often enough.” I bite the inside of my cheek.
“Why are you fighting this? Do you want me to belong to another?” The question upsets us both.
“No, of course not. I just…” I shake my head. “I can’t ruin someone else’s happiness for my own. I can’t be that selfish.”
“I can!” His voice is horse with emotion that claws away at the resolve I’m trying to build. “I have tried living as if I do not love you and I won’t do it anymore. You have no idea…” He breaks our eye contact. “You leave this clan, time and time again and I watch you do it, suffering inside. Suffocating until you come back, praying to the heavens nothing happens to you, that I won’t lose you. Terrified to let you close because I know I won’t survive losing you, but I won’t live like this anymore. You won’t be selfish, but I am telling you, I can be.” The last words are whispered but it doesn’t take away from their truth, doesn’t break the resolve I see in his eyes when he finally looks at me and it’s not the first time I pray that the heavens reveal us as second Kin’s but of course, it doesn’t happen.
“We can wait.” I want to kick myself, but I also know I can’t put myself through heartbreak again. “Until after the games. If neither of us find a second Kin, I am yours.” Not that I haven’t been his for some time now. My heart foolishly holding onto what I couldn’t have, but what is now much closer than it was before.
“You will not budge on his, will you?” I shake my head, and he throws his head back, taking a deep breath. “You are the most infuriating woman I have ever met and yet you bend me to your will every time you open your mouth.” He walks over to me, grabs my face in both his hands and slots his lips over mine. I grab into his wrist, lifting my toes as I kiss him back with the same intensity.
“I’ve waited this long to give myself to another, a few more weeks won’t kill me. No matter how perfectly indulgent you look.” I whisper when our lips part, just enough for us to share a breath. He sucks in air so suddenly I frown up at him.
“You’re never laid with another?” I shake my head as much as I can manage with him still holding onto my cheeks and he suddenly hugs me closer to his body, his arm feeling like steel around my waist as his left hand caresses my cheek. “You, my dear, are a dime a dozen. One I intend to keep for myself, no matter who I must fight.” He steals my breath once more as he kisses me, slowly for a long time, standing in the middle of his entryway. “I’m not letting you go tonight.” He finally declares when our lips part and I can’t bring myself to argue as he leads me to his bedroom. He hands me a shirt, and I quickly get dressed before joining him in bed, my body only relaxing when I’m wrapped up in his arms, using his chest as my pillow and his heartbeat as my lullaby as I pray that somehow, someway he gets to be mine.