Chapter 88 Chapter Eighty-Eight
Ryder smiles at me, laughing a little. "I like the way you think baby, but if we sleep naked we won't be getting any sleep, and you need rest."
I pout. "Fine, I will wear your T-shirt but that's it."
"That will work baby. You are still going to be irresistible though." Ryder winks and I giggle.
"Come on let's get some sleep." I say laughing.
Ryder pulls off his T-shirt, leaving him in a pair of ball shorts. I strip down, sliding his T-shirt over my head and we climb into my bed.
I lay my head on Ryder's chest, running my fingers over the hard muscles. Ryder wraps his arm around me, pulling me close against him and kisses the top of my head.
My mind starts to wander a little. I feel kind of bad for not telling him about what I did with Logan, or what I did with Aaron. I wonder how he would react. What if he decides I went to far with them and doesn't want to be with anymore? I mean they said no sex, they didn't say no sexual stuff. I didn't have sex.
Maybe I should just tell him. If he gets mad or hates me after I tell him at least I won't have this secret dangling over my head, making me feel guilty. He already covered me with the hickey thing, maybe he wouldn't care.
"What's on your mind baby?" Ryder asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.
How did he know something was on my mind? "What do you mean?" I ask, looking up at him in the dim light.
Ryder chuckles. "I mean I can hear you thinking from here. Something is bothering you or going through that beautiful head of yours, so what's on your mind baby?" He asks, rubbing my arm with his hand.
I sigh. I love how well he knows me, I just hope he won't be mad when I tell him. "I'm afraid if I tell you, you won't love me anymore." I whisper.
Ryder squeezes me against him. "Baby, listen to me. Nothing you ever tell me will make me stop loving you."
I really hope that's true. I take a deep breath trying to gather my courage. "When I was out with Logan all night we did some stuff."
Ryder tenses under me and he stops running his hand up and down my arm. "You had sex with him?" He asks, the loving tone he usually uses with me gone from his voice.
I look at him eyes wide with panic. "No. No we didn't have sex." I say in a rush.
"Then what did you guys do?" He asks, voice and body tense.
"We were cuddling and stuff out side at his grandpa's fishing cabin. Just looking at the stars and stuff and we ended up messing around some. We didn't have sex but he did eat me out and he fingered me." I whisper, just waiting for him to jump up out of the bed and tell me he hates me or something.
Ryder goes quiet, so quiet if I wasn't touching him I would think he left. "What did you do for him?" He finally asks, catching me off guard.
"What?" I ask.
"You heard me Lilly. What did you do for him? You know in return for him making you feel good." He snaps at me and I feel tears prick the back of my eyes.
"I gave him a blowjob." I say right as the first tear slides down my cheek.
Ryder sighs loudly. "Are you sure you didn't have sex with him?"
Am I sure I didn't have sex with him? I'm pretty sure I would know if I had sex with someone. "Yes I'm sure. That's all we did. I promised I wouldn't have sex with anyone else and I didn't." I say as more tears start streaming down my face.
Ryder goes quiet again and I hold my breath waiting for him to snap at me or whatever he is going to do. I just hope he doesn't leave me. He can be mad, he can yell, he can call me a whore, just please don't let him leave me.
"Is Logan the only one you have done anything like that with? I know Logan, Brandon, Calvin, Harrison and Aaron are always together. So have you done anything like that with all of them? Or with anyone else besides Logan?" Ryder asks and I feel my heart beat speed up.
What will happen when I tell him about Aaron? He will probably really hate me then. "Yes I have." I whisper sniffling a little. "I gave Aaron a blowjob too. When I was hanging out with him. We went to the movies and it just kind of happened."
"You gave Aaron a blowjob in a movie theater? Are you serious?" Ryder asks, his voice raised and I flinch.
"Yes. But we were alone. I didn't do it in front of other people or anything." I say trying to defend what I did.
"That's still crazy babe. You can't do something like that in public, what if someone had came in there when you were doing that. It's not like you can just say you tripped and fell mouth down on his dick or something." Ryder says, exasperatedly.
Any other time I probably would have laughed at that last part, but laughing is the last thing I feel like doing right now. "I'm sorry Ryder. I'm sorry for all of it. I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry for breaking your trust and-." Ryder cuts me off before I can ramble on anymore.
"I forgive you babe." Ryder says, kissing the top of my head. I feel like I can breathe again. Just hearing those four little words is like winning the lottery. He forgives me. That is all I could have ever asked for and more.
"You do?" I ask, tears flowing even harder.
Ryder sighs. "Yes I do. I told you babe I love you, nothing will ever change that. There is something I need to ask though."
"Ask me anything. I will answer honestly I promise." I say feeling relieved and anxious at the same time.