Chapter 141: Chapter 141

If there was anything Ravi could do, make him food, rub his feet, listen as he ranted about this and that person, he wanted to do it. But he wouldn’t be able to unless he was there, unless he was close to the blonde.

“I’ve been thinking…” Ravi started.

Pulse picking up, his smile dropped as he continued, hands clammy. He rolled the grass in his grasp more aggressively, legs shuffling against the ground. The tall lad had to remind himself that he could do this. It was allowed. Denis was, after all, his.

“... this summer break. I don’t really have things planned. Maybe I could, you know, be with you.”

Still silence on the other end. There was a heavy stone in Ravi’s stomach, but he pushed through. He was allowed to ask for things. He was. Right?

“I don’t care if you don’t have a lot of time, or that we might have to fly out of the country. I could just fix dinner, maybe run you a bath in the evenings. And, if all we had time to do was sleep in the same bed, that’s fine too. I just think maybe it would be nice.”

Ravi trailed off, his face hot.

“If you want? Otherwise, we can keep visiting, however. Whatever you want Sweetheart.”

He forced his mouth to close, mind sprinting as he tried to keep himself tethered. The moon was showing above, its pale crescent coming into focus as the earth’s atmosphere faded. Ravi could see stars, could trace their sporadic patterns as he listened to the soft sound of Denis breathing. He closed his eyes, a warm wind caressing his skin.

The earth seemed to hum beneath him.

“Ravi.” Denis sounded strange.

Bad, bad, bad. Ravi bit his lower lip as he kept his eyes tightly shut.

“As I said,” the rugby lad quickly interjected, desperately backtracking. “If not, that’s fine too.”

Ravi wondered if he had moved too fast. He should not have asked for more. He had so much already. His fists tightened until the grass turned to mush in the loop of his hands. He and Denis were still fragile. Ravi needed to give it time. If he pushed too hard, too fast, they would break.

Gods, don’t let him push too hard.

“Ravi, I’m not coming back to Harvard.”

His ears were ringing, his mouth opening and closing a couple of times before he found air to speak. “What do you mean?” He had fucked it up, had he not? No, no, no, no . Ravi’s eyes were burning as he fought with all that he had to keep the wetness out of his voice.

“There’s no time for me to get my economics exam right now. I need to focus fully on the House Arnold.”

“Okay.” Someone had pulled the rug from beneath his feet. He was fumbling, trying to find his footing. It was as if he were standing in formation right before a scrum, his body coiled, ready to explode in a firework of strength. Wetness slicked his temples. If his muscles hadn’t been locked, he would have wiped the tears.

Ravi was out in the open field, but despite the air all around, he couldn’t manage to take a proper breath.

“I- I just think this is how it has to be. I’m sorry, Ravi.” Denis sounded even, his voice void of anything but slight regret. The grass didn’t feel soft anymore; it felt like steel shavings.

“That’s fine. I still have weekends off, so I can come to you. Wales is not that far away.” His voice was coming out slightly nasal, the only tell of his budding panic.

In a way, Ravi had expected this for so long, had waited for Denis to call and tell him they were over. For months, he had believed that was the only end someone like him and Denis could have.

It was his fault for dreaming, his fault for daring to hope for something more. He’d been thinking he was allowed to ask for things. What a fucking joke.

“I’m sorry, Ravi,” Denis said anew. Did he sound choked up? Was the tremble in his voice frequency interference, or did this hurt the blonde just as deeply as it hurt Ravi? “But I think it’s best if we stop seeing each other.”

The words were expected. Some nights, he would lie in bed, a slave to his insomnia, imagining Denis saying these very words. Gluttonous for pain, he would roll in them like a swine in mud. Imagining the blonde washing Ravi off his hands in a million different ways. Naively, he’d thought it would be easier if he’d imagined it first. Then, when the day came, he’d be prepared to handle the pain of losing Denis.

But one could never understand the extended damage malicious software would do before it executed. And as usual, reality was worse than any finely crafted scenario. So much worse.

Ravi gasped for air, drowning on land. What kind of physical strain could ever compete with this pain? His chest caved in, his ribs cracking one by one as he was flattened against the steel shavings below him. There was a prickling sensation in his fingers and toes, his eyes closing tight enough to implode. There was a bird merrily singing in the distance. He wished he could wring its tiny neck.

A life might have passed – or maybe just a second – when he finally opened his eyes. The world was a blur, the stars like small dots on the midnight black blanket covering the earth. He pressed a hand over his mouth, breathing wetly against his palm.

“I want you to have an amazing life. I want you to be happy, Ravi.”

Gods, he bit his lip until it bled to keep the sob from escaping.

“You make me happy.” He hadn’t been talking, and yet it was his voice saying the words.

It was too much. But then again, did it matter? There was nothing Ravi could do, nothing he could say to change this. Whatever he’d done (and he was sure he’d done plenty to fuck this up), it did not matter. Nothing did, because from the start, this had all been doomed. Ravi had known that, but of late, he’d forgotten. He had made the mistake of getting caught up in Denis – and lost sight of reality.