Chapter 29

Final exams are only months away when Calista Hale is told news that no senior in high school wants to hear; she’s being held back from graduating. The only way for her to receive that rolled up piece of parchment at the end of July lies in Lincoln Pierce. A master of deceit and skipping class, Lincoln is sure to give Cali a run for her diploma.

But as it turns out, she may be his last hope.

I am facing more grief than I can handle at the moment. Then add on my new professional hockey career and the fact that my biggest nightmare might walk free in a few months, and you get a piece of glass about to shatter into a million unsalvageable pieces.

Here’s to hoping everything doesn’t fall apart, because there’s no waking up from my fall.

I remember the first time I was going to jump off the Q bridge. I wasn’t crying. My tears had long dried and in that moment the only thing in my face

Was contemplation and the need for action. Both times when Seb found me I was just sitting there like a dead body, taking the occasional sip of vodka to forget.

That’s the thing about me. I didn’t drink to numb pain, I drank to forget. That’s a key difference because you only want to forget when the pain gets too overwhelming. That mentality was shitty but it kept me alive for the last six years.

Maybe I should just end it right now. Who would care? I’m a leach of Finn and Sylvia’s backs, I’m insignificant to the vitality of our team’s success, my family doesn’t want me, guys don’t want me, I’m one less person for my therapist to worry about, and it would end this fucking roller coaster I have been stuck on. I could act like Elizabeth didn’t effect me, but everyone knew she did. Parents are supposed to love their children but I was confused with her. It became some thin line of love

Motivated hate and it played with everything I thought I knew.

And you wonder why her contact is ‘Do Not Answer’.

She ruined everything for me, always.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Beck’s deep voice asked me from where he stood near the kitchen, snapping my attention away from the issue at hand.

I looked up at his sparkling blue eyes and shrugged me shoulders ever so slightly. “There’s nothing to talk about,” I answered blankly which clearly unsettled Beck as he shifted. “That’s my mother. She’s a bitch, she ruins everything, she thinks I’m a volatile whore and I’m nothing but a reminder of everything that went wrong in her perfect little world. There’s nothing to talk about, Beck. She’s right, and I live with that.”

“She’s not right,” Beck said almost

Incredulously as he walked towards me, taking his hands out of his pocket and tilting my jaw up. “Please, look me in the eyes and honestly tell me if you actually believe a word she says.”

My eyes flickered up, being intimidated by Beck’s ocean eyes but that didn’t stop my cool and calm gaze back to his. This was the point of apathy.

I only saw sky blue as I spoke more confidently that I ever had. “I run from her because I don’t want to accept the truth, but she is right. I sleep around too much, my career path does nothing but hurt me, my entire family hates me, and I fucking hate the way I look because it ruined my life.”

“That’s not true, Danielle,” Beck spoke firmly, almost like it hurt him hearing me speak the truth. “First of all, your career path is not a waste of time. Danny, you are the best goalie in the whole league, you’re going to make so much money doing what you love, and

You’re sending a message to thousands of other young girls about doing just as much as men. Don’t act like you aren’t aware of the significance of your current position and potential position on a major sports team bigger than the entire sport of lacrosse.”

“Second of all, your entire family does not hate you. Finn and his family adore you, even his dad and Sylvia’s dad. So your mother’s a borderline mentally abusive and manipulative bitch; isn’t Seb family? Axel and I? We all love you for who you are. The only person who ‘hates’ you is that woman and the only reason she acts like that is because you wanted something better for yourself and didn’t want to be controlled by her.”

“She’s not abusive,” I found myself defending her. No matter how many times I called her a bitch I never thought about it like that. Abusive? No. That was not what my mother was.

“Danny, I don’t want to cause you more trouble, but that is an abusive relationship no matter how much time you spent apart. She blames you for things that are her fault not yours, she puts you down, she never made decisions that were healthy for you, and you even told me how she tried to control every one of your friends and your contact with Finn so you wouldn’t talk to Sylvia. That is abuse, Danny.” Beck wasn’t saying it to be mean, but that didn’t exactly make me feel better. I didn’t want someone close to me have to tell me that I was the victim of abuse growing up. I still had a hard time even believing she could be ‘abusive’ from fifty miles away.

“The fact that the thought of her makes you fear another suicidal episode shows that there is something significantly wrong with that relationship. I know you want to deny it, Danny. That’s what survivors do. You haven’t mentioned any of this to your therapist, have you?” His tone softened

From defiant to gentle and comforting like I was a scared animal.

It was crazy how fast scripts could flip. One second I was going to cry and the next I was stone cold, then I was back to blinking back tears all over again. I couldn’t stop the pressure building behind my eyes but I also didn’t want Beck to see me cry more than anything. That’s why I threw my arms around Beck’s neck and buried my face between my arm and his bare chest. He didn’t waste a second hugging me back, pulling my body closer to his. I welcomed the warmth like nothing I had ever done before.

I was a silent crier. Beck wouldn’t even know I was bawling if he couldn’t feel my sparse tears on his skin. “I haven’t. I never thought my mother was part of the problem,” I mumbled loud enough for him to hear me easily. “I guess I could bring it up.”

“I don’t want to push you, Danny. I just

Want to help you. If it doesn’t feel like something you’re ready to do, then don’t. I’ll support you in whatever you decide to do.” His large hand rubbed back and forth with his thumb on my back.

“Thank you for being there for me, Beckett. I love you,” I murmured, my tears still falling down my cheeks.

“I love you too, Danny.” Beck paused, trying to think of how to phrase his next sentence. I tried to relax, slowing my breath to match the calm rise and fall of Beck’s chest. “I don’t know if it’s my place considering our...history, but you mentioned it; your mom patronized you about it.” I knew where this was going already, especially based on his tone of voice. “You don’t sleep with too many people, Danny. You know she’s just trying to push your buttons.”

“Beck, you didn’t know me,” I told him. I didn’t want to think about the past

But I had brought this on myself. I had made choices and I had brought up my insecurities about my life style and my body image. I knew he wouldn’t let that slip through the cracks; Beck was nothing if not thorough. “You want to see the best in me. Not the girl who almost drinks herself to death then makes herself sick to ‘get over’ a fear. It’s the same girl that slept around with a new guy every week for years to torture herself. It’s the truth.”

I had to let go of Beck and pull away. I didn’t want to feel the guilt of his touch. Beck let me go, allowing me to move as I pleased. I don’t know if that made me happy or sad. For once in my life it was a relief not to feel his touch but at the same time I didn’t known if it was a sign of rejection and disgust. I just told him I slept with people as an act of true masochism. Maybe I should have rephrased it and told him I was done with that.

“Tell me the whole truth this one time,

Danielle. I need to know. Did you have sex with me that night because you wanted to or because of something else?” It might have been just a hookup then, but now, even if we were just friends, it was much more. It was the first time we had met and gotten along. Despite it causing many issues for both of us career wise and stress wise, it was still an intimate moment now that we were friends.

I wasn’t looking Beck in the eyes. Would he even believe me? It took everything in my body to look up at Beck’s face. There was just something that made me not want to answer that question. How do you tell the man you love that you’ve fucked more guys than you can count?

“No, Beckett.” My voice was still a little shaky but I prayed he could see the honesty in my eyes. “I used to be depressed after my rape and I used sex as an escape. I’m sorry I didn’t share that with you, but know that I

Had sex with you because I wanted too. Sophomore year I kind of feel off the wagon. It was around the same time that I tried to kill myself again and my therapist suggested I stopped drinking and having sex so I did and it was the hardest year of my life. But I did it and last year I kind of got back into those things but it was for me. Maybe I should have been honest with you, but I did want to have sex with you and not for my own diluted reasons.”

It was silent for a moment. I couldn’t tell what Beck was thinking behind his icy eyes. Eventually, when he spoke up I was about to puke. “Thank you for being honest with me, Danny. I know it’s not an easy thing to talk about, but don’t ever feel guilty for not telling me intimate details of your life when at the time we weren’t close. And, Danielle, there is no right number of people to have had sex with. You could have never had sex once or you could have fucked a new person every day and it wouldn’t matter. That doesn’t change

The person you are or how someone should think of you.”

I could just feel the tension leaving my body in waves. I couldn’t hide the relief on my face or a happiness in my eyes. “And I just want to put this out there,” he continued, his fingers brushing my jaw as Beck looked down at me with his intense eyes. “Just because you were targeted for your looks by one sadistic man does not mean you should hate your body. You’re beautiful and if my opinion isn’t enough for you, the thousands of people on your Instagram who would kill to look like you is telling enough. Though it really shouldn’t matter how you look at all, unless of course it boosts your self confidence but based on the vibe I’m getting, I don’t think that’s the case.”

I would argue with him, but I knew it wasn’t worth it because Beck was stubborn. Instead I swallowed the lump in my throat and gave him a small smile. “I hate that you always

Know what to say.”

“It’s part of my charm,” he shrugged his broad shoulders and deltoids. “Now how about we take a shower and I take you to go see Finn. I’m sure he’d love to hear your mother is in town before being ambushed by her.”

“We?” I raised an eyebrow. “I know we just had a heart to heart but God, take me to dinner first.”

Beck scoffed, “You know that’s not what I meant. Now let’s get going, you might want to beat the shit show there.”

“Yes, Dad.”

“It’s ‘Daddy’, Sweetheart,” Beck winked. I couldn’t help laugh despite my tear stained cheeks.

“It’s ‘Daddy’, Sweetheart,” Beck winked. I couldn’t help laugh despite my tear stained cheeks.

“You’re incorrigible.”

“So are you, Riley.”

“So are you, Riley.”

He wasn’t wrong.