Chapter 13

My neck was sore but it didn’t hurt anymore. My left hip was another story though. It had been dislocated, meaning they had to pop it back in. I wished more than anything that I was still passed out for that, but I had only experienced a momentary blackout that faded back into consciousness when I reached the locker room. It was most likely due to my panic, hence why once I passed out everything calmed down causing me to wake up again less than a minute later.

Doctor and the athletic trainer had to pop it back in. Now I was laying on a doctor’s table in the women’s locker room listening to the drone of the sports analysts after the game, with Beck fresh out of the shower sitting in a chair watching me stare at the ceiling. Sebastian, Coach, and Axel had been here while Beck took a shower, but they eventually had to leave for the press and to take their own showers. Security wouldn’t let Sylvia and Finn through until I let them, but I didn’t want to yet. I wasn’t ready to talk about it with them, because I knew what they would say. They would ask if I needed my therapist, if I was tempted to go drinking again, if I had a panic attack; I just didn’t want to deal with it, no matter how well intentioned it was.

That was the difference between Sylvia and I. She talked about her issues easily, I didn’t. I kept it inside. I wasn’t used to opening up like that. Although Beck wasn’t asking, I knew he was thinking it based on the weight of his

Icy gaze on my blank face.

“I think we’re done here, Danny,” Doctor Brown spoke while taking his blue gloves off and throwing them in the trash. “Your neck is just sore from impact, it should die down in a day or two. The dislocated hip will take time, though. You got extremely lucky. It wasn’t a complete dislocation so there’s no brace needed, but you can’t play hockey for two weeks. Physical therapy will be every day to make sure you’re back as fast as possible and in playing condition, but I can’t have you on the ice for at least two weeks.”

“But-“ I started to protest before being cut off.

“No ‘buts’. It’s the first week of January. There is plenty of time until playoffs and you’re only missing two games. I think they can manage without you.” Doctor Brown insisted while picking up his bag. The forty year old balding doctor was not seeing eye to eye with

Me.

“We’re undefeated. We can’t just take away our top defender to make him play goalie. You can’t-“

“We’ll figure it out,” Beck interrupted, standing from his metal foldable chair to talk to the doctor. He ran his hand through his freshly dried hair before crossing his arms and looking at me for a moment. Beck’s brows were creased with worry and his lips had been in a downturned grimace since the moment I woke up. His sapphire eyes lingered on my hip under my black shorts before he turned back to the doctor. “Is she able to walk right now? I’m going to need to take her home.”

“Yeah. She’s probably going to want to lay down though, so I hope the drive home is short. Danny isn’t going to be alone right?”

“No, I’ll watch her,” Beck replied without hesitation or even so much as a

Glance in my direction for approval.

I cleared my throat to get his attention, which caused Beck to raise a black eyebrow as he looked down at me. “I have a roommate you know.”

“Yes. A roommate who is consoling your sister in-law and for some reason wants you where you can’t find a liquor cabinet. That leaves your apartment off limits and my place as the only option.” Beck uncrossed his arms to pull his phone out of his black jeans, unlocking it with his thumb before flipping the screen to my face.

Sebastian was a fucking traitor. Now I had to spend a night in the same bed as

Beck, whom the last time I’d slept with, I’d ended up fucking. Not only that, but I was probably going to wake up screaming like I usually did after a real life episode and then I would have to explain myself to Beck.

I trusted him implacably, but that didn’t mean I wanted to talk about it. That’s specifically why I wasn’t letting my family though security to see me right now. As much as I wanted to resent Sebastian for his choices, I knew it was no one’s fault but my own. He didn’t want me in the apartment where I could take my keys or a bottle of vodka and pull another stunt like the one in October.

I exhaled deeply to indicate I read the message but didn’t agree with it, causing Beck to slip the sleek silver phone into his pocket again. “Is there any medication?” Beckett asked like a concerned parent.

“No, but she can take pain medication

If she’s in a lot of pain. Arthritis medication will help with the swelling if you have any lying around. It wouldn’t be a bad thing considering her old knee injury might swell up after all of today’s excitement,” Doctor Brown spoke to Beck like I A.) didn’t speak in English or B.) was a small child. At this point I didn’t even care enough to try and figure it out or correct him. I just wanted to go ‘home’ and sleep.

You might not realize it, but panicking for an hour straight after playing hockey for a good two hours really takes the energy right out of you.

“Thanks. I’ll make sure she gets home soon,” Beck replied before Doctor Brown smiles and left the woman’s locker room, leaving Beck and I in silence with the exception of the television droning in the background.

“I am taking a shower before we leave,” I said definitively, not wanting

To argue with Beck. His stoic face studied me for a moment before relenting. I started to sit up, but Beck had to help my get to me feet as I gingerly applied weight to my hip. It was sore, definitely worse than the knee I tweeted at practice, but nothing I couldn’t handle.

Beck kept his firm grip on my bicep as I walked to the showers, making sure I knew how to walk before he left me on my own in a slippery environment. When he eventually left me, I took a quick shower to rid myself of not only sweat, but the feeling of those trainers and doctors hands on my body. I internally cringed every time they touched me and I couldn’t help it. The Emmett of their touch still plagued me and stuck to my skin like ants on a trap.

I knew they couldn’t hurt me in the way I was thinking, especially with Beck right there, but it didn’t calm my nerves. But that’s what fear is, right? Something irrational that you can’t

Control. I’m all honesty, I’m surprised I didn’t pass out when they were setting my hip back into place. If anything, that was a lot more touching that my arms over their shoulders.

Either way I felt like a fool because of it. I’m fine with other people touching me, but because of their job titles I can’t handle myself. It’s fucking ridiculous. Even the sedative they offered me, I refused like a maniac. I just couldn’t do it. It would physically hurt me to take it.

Despite my irrational behavior, Beck didn’t say a word about it. It wasn’t until after he helped me into his matte black Ford GT when most people had already left, that I eventually spoke to Beck voluntarily. “Beck I need to ask you something and I need an honest answer,” my soft voice broke the thick silence as we drove down an empty road near midnight. Only the sound of the tires on the pavement filled the air ever so subtly, most people don’t even notice the sound in their cars

Anymore. My forest green eyes were glued to Beck’s strong profile against the passing winter scenery in the night. He nodded his head, glancing over at my face and promoting a response, before looking back at the road. “Have you ever googled Danielle Malton or Danielle Riley?”

I felt like my heart was going to explode from tension as the seconds slowed, his response seemingly taking an eternity when in reality it was probably almost instantaneous. “No. Why?” Beck asked with genuine curiosity in his deep tone.

This time I let the void take all the sound as I leaned me head back against the leather headrest. Did I really want to do this? I trusted Beck, that part was out of the question. The real problem was that I was terrified. No one wants a girl with what I have. It’s ruined the only two serious relationships I’ve had because the guys just couldn’t ‘handle the pressure’. That made me sick to my

Stomach. What if Beck felt that way because he fucked me and we never talked again? I didn’t want to lose my best friend.

I was so scared that my voice was shaking on the inside, but you couldn’t hear it. I took the leap of faith only so I couldn’t turn back, because I couldn’t keep it in anymore. The pressure of carrying my secrets was too much for me to be sane while doing it. “You said you were there if I ever wanted to talk, and I think I finally want to talk about it,” I whispered in a barely audible voice. “I don’t want you to overthink what I’m about to say. Especially because we had sex. I know how you work and just promise me you won’t rethink everything you’ve ever said to me. I just want to be treated normally.”

The car pulled into the parking lot of Beck’s rich little apartment complex and the engine cut as we parked. Beck’s attention was fully on me in the passengers seat now, pinning me under

The car pulled into the parking lot of Beck’s rich little apartment complex and the engine cut as we parked. Beck’s attention was fully on me in the passengers seat now, pinning me under the pressure of his consciousness. “Danielle, you are making me nervous. What happened?” Beck’s brows were furrowed in worry, his ever so observant eyes searching my own sad expression for any clues.

“Promise me.”

“I promise you I won’t overthink it.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled, holding my pupils to Beck’s own.

“Beck, I’m taking Zoloft for my Delayed PTSD. When I was sixteen...my athletic trainer raped me.”

And I still wasn’t over it.

—

For a cue to see if I was going to say something else or react oddly to his words. “I don’t want to say ‘sorry’ because that seems like a gross misuse of an almost meaningless phrase, but I am truly sorry something that horrible happened to you. Danielle, if you want to talk about it, I’m more than ready to listen and help you through this. I meant it when I said I was here if you ever wanted to talk about it. I’m not going to run for the hills because of something that happened to you.”

Beck was one thousand times a better person than I was because that seemed like the perfect response that I would never be bright enough to give. It was pure support and that’s what I needed. “Thank you, Beckett,” I whispered while closing my eyes. “I want to talk about it but I also really want to lay down.”

Maybe I was stalling, but my hip was actually killing me from the short ride in the car. “Okay,” Beck acknowledged

While getting out of the vehicle. I was already getting out into the cold night when he rounded the car, having to help lift me up by my left bicep to release the strain on my hip. We made our way into the elevator and eventually into his apartment with my slight limp barely hindering my movements. As soon as he took me to his bedroom, I wasted no time laying on top of the white comforter, feeling the relief of the pressure on my leg dissipating in waves.

I watched Beck pull his sweatshirt over his head, hanging it on the back of a black desk chair. I tried not to think of the first time I’d been in this room, just as how when we walked through the atrium I kept my eyes away from the wall I’d been plastered against. Now definitely wasn’t the time, but seeing the bottom of Beck’s tanned abdomen when he removed his sweatshirt wasn’t helping my focus. I knew I was recovering from an anxiety attack, but I couldn’t help where my brain

Wondered.

I’m sure if I hadn’t just confessed that I had been raped, Beck would have made a cheeky comment. It almost disappointed me that he didn’t as he sat on the edge of the bed next to my waist, his legs crossed in his lap as he observed me. I brushed off his close proximity and stared at the white ceiling for a second. My secret was out there and there was no taking it back. It was a relief and a curse. I had lifted the weight off my shoulders while adding a whole knew type of anxiety that I wasn’t completely familiar with.

“So my mom kicked me out when I was fifteen and a half. A few months later I happened to tear my ACL at hockey practice. Someone hit me while I was going to block a goal and my leg popped the wrong way. When I said I hadn’t seen my mom since court, this was that case. She refused to get me the surgery because she didn’t want me playing men’s hockey. Finn sued

Her because I couldn’t even fully walk correctly without a reconstruction surgery.”

“My dad was ready to sign off on it, but my mother absolutely would not. Since I was living with Finn and Sylvia after being kicked out, the court eventually emancipated me so I could get the surgery. But, it pushed the date back dramatically and it wasn’t until June when the season started in October. At the time I went to a private school, Notre Dame, so they had good athletic trainers,” I paused, not knowing for sure if I could continue. I had already told Beck the intimate details of how my mother was a vindictive bitch that was ready to withhold a surgery to improve my quality of life, could I really go on?

Beck intertwined his right hand I my own, holding it up to make a point of the gesture. “Hey, I have your back, Danny. Take your time, you don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want.

To.” Some people might ‘aww’ but those people were fools. It wasn’t a romantic gesture. That was disgusting. It was a supportive gesture meant to provide the friendly touch of a trusted person, to distract from the disturbing memories swirling in my head. The move almost felt like the way you see people hold soldiers hands when they’re dying. I felt like I was drowning alive right now and Beck was showing me I wasn’t alone. It wasn’t about love, it was about companionship.

I nodded while swallowing the lump in my throat. Instead of brushing off Beck’s heavy gaze, I turned my head and embraced it. I looked up at Beck like his glare could scare off my memories. In an odd sense it made me more comfortable in the same way I had wanted Sebastian by my side just hours ago. “So I started going to physical therapy and the athletic trainers. It was after practice one day, I was getting the scar tissue worked on. They do that for the tissue so it doesn’t

Fuse the kneecap in place. Anyway, the trainer, Jenson Spack,” even saying his name heightened the tenseness in my muscles and my heartbeat. “Handed me a bottle of Gatorade. It was the yellow kind; I still can’t even smell it without throwing up. He was usually handing players drinks so I thought nothing of it. But uh...”

I paused, taking to take another second to gather my thoughts. Beck was looking at me sympathetically, but my attention had to go to the white wall behind him for a second to take the pressure off my shoulders. When I looked back at Beck his thumb was moving on the back of my hand soothingly. “He put ketamine in my drink. It’s incredibly fast acting so by the time I knew what was happening it was too late.” I couldn’t control the tear that left my eye, the cold and salty liquid rolling down the corner of my eye and off the side of my face where I laid down. I closed my eyes to try and stop them but I couldn’t. Beck gave

My hand a reassuring squeeze, but he didn’t touch me any more than that. I was glad. It was best not to touch someone recalling a traumatic event like this

“Ketamine depletes your muscle control and sometimes gives you an out of body experience. Sadly, I had both of those. I remember trying to push him off of me but all I could do was lay there and watch like a fucking idiot.” I remembered it so visibly. He was young, probably twenty seven or twenty eight. Every agonizing moment was imprinted in my brain, from the way he unzipped his pants to the way he didn’t even have to hold my hands down to rape me, I was so weak and tired. “I tried to scream, to hit him; anything. Spack just put his hand over my mouth leaving me incapable to do anything but cry and watch the clock for two hours.”

I was bawling now but I forced myself to go on before Beck could stop me for

The sake of my own dignity. I had to get it out there or I would feel incomplete and that was somehow worse than not doing it at all. It self like giving a teaser; just enough for people to speculate wretched things but never confirm them. “And then he left. He left me drugged in his office. So I cried some more and then I left and walked to the Q Bridge. It took me an hour to walk those three miles but it was six by the time I got there. I was going to jump,” a sob escaped my lips. I couldn’t control it anymore. There was no restraint left inside of me.

I couldn’t do it. I sat up, ignoring my throbbing pain and removing my hand from Beck’s. I must have surprised him by wrapping my arms around his strong neck so suddenly, but he didn’t react negatively. Beck slowly wrapped his arms around my waist, rubbing my back with his large hand as I cried into his warm skin. I didn’t care how much my hip hurt, my heart hurt more.

“But it was rush hour and someone saw me and called the cops. I couldn’t lie to Sylvia or Finn after all they had done for me. I had to come clean to the cops and tonthem. The school tried to pay me for a settlement but Sylvia insisted that I refused because I would regret it if I stayed quiet. She was right.

“At the trial he had the audacity to admit he had targeted me over other girls because of my body,” I sobbed. “He got sentenced to twelve years. After his parole hearing sophomore year of college I got drunk and then I made myself sick on lemon lime Gatorade because I’m a fucking masochist trying to get over a weakness. I wasn’t going to jump off that damn bridge. At least, I don’t think I was. Sebastian found me before I had the chance to seriously think about it.

“That’s where I was after that fight with Thomas. That’s why Sebastian was so worried. I drank half a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Gatorade then I

Threw it all up in the half hour it took Sebastian to find me. That’s why I’m going to therapy again.” I had been scared of telling Beck the truth but that wasn’t even on my mind anymore. All I could focus on was my tormented and demented depression. “I hate myself for having to turn to alcohol to solve my problems. That’s why Seb didn’t want me to have my keys or anything to drink tonight.”

“We all deal with pain differently, Danny. Sebastian just want to help, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re getting help and opening up to people. That’s all that matters. You’re trying,” Beck soothed, his rumbling chest calming me as I leaned against his hard chest. “Thank you for telling me, Danielle. I know it is far from easy. I want to be there to support you. In retrospect we’ve only known each other for a short amount of time but you’re one of the most important people in my life. I can’t watch you struggle through pain on your own. I

Want to help you more than anything.”

“I don’t want to make you promise anything unreasonable because I know how tunnel vision works, but Danny,” Beck’s strong voice cracked like it had when he was talking about Aras that day at the rink. I pulled my face out of his neck to look in his piercing ocean eyes. Beck held my jaw with his right hand, keeping my face in front of his. “Next time you are alone and thinking about that night, please call me, Danny. I’m begging you. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to you and I could have been there instead.”

“I’m not suicidal, Beckett,” I told him definitively in a soft voice. “I’ve had my psych evaluations. I was only on the bridge three times over almost six years, and I only thought about jumping once. That’s why I’m on the Zoloft. It’s supposed to help me talk about it in therapy.” I tried to convince Beck of the truth but I could still

About it in therapy.” I tried to convince Beck of the truth but I could still see the suspicion behind his usually unreadable eyes.

“I know. I’m not talking about just that though. I mean whenever something is wrong. A panic attack, a doctors appointment, a nightmare; anything. Call me and I’m there.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat for what I hoped would be the last time, keeping my eyes locked on Beck’s face as I spoke. “I promise.”

“Good. I love you, Danielle. I want to make sure you are as happy and healthy as you can be.

“I love you too, Beckett.”

I couldn’t ask for a more supportive best friend.