Chapter 42: FORTY-TWO

J A D E

We got out of the car and walked into the building. We rode the rusty elevator up to my floor, the soft music a grating reminder of the normalcy I had so desperately craved.

I unlocked my door, my hands shaking so badly I could barely get the key in the lock. I pushed the door open and stepped inside, my small, safe haven suddenly feeling like a trap.

"This is where you've been living?" he asked, his eyes scanning the room, taking in the small bed, the tiny kitchen, the pile of books on the floor. His expression was unreadable, a mixture of confusion, sorrow, and something else I couldn't quite place.

"It's not much," I said, my voice defensive. "But it's mine. Its cozy. I have my own space, I have my own privacy. I'm safe here."

"It's a fucking deathtrap," he growled, walking over to the window and peering through the blinds. "The lock is flimsy. The fire escape is right outside. Anyone could get in here."

"It's in a safe neighborhood," I shot back, my pride stung. "I have a friend who lives downstairs. A nice neighbor."

"A friend?" he scoffed, turning to face me. "A human friend? What's he going to do against Saffra? Throw hands at a powerful witch? You're not safe here, Jade. You were never safe."

"I was fine until you showed up!" I yelled, my anger boiling over. "I was happy! I was building a life! And you ruined it!"

He suddenly grabbed my waist, backing me into a corner, his body caging mine. I tried to push him away, to fight, to scream, but he was too strong, his grip like iron. His eyes were a dangerous, luminous gold, the beast so close to the surface I could feel the heat radiating from him.

"You can’t stay here, Jade. You're leaving with me. Whether you like it or not." he growled, his words a hot, angry breath against my ear. "You're not safe here. I'm not leaving you alone. Not again. Not ever again."

"Let go of me!" I screamed, my struggles becoming more frantic. "You're hurting me!"

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said, his grip loosening slightly, but not enough for me to escape. "I'm trying to protect you. Why can't you see that?"

"Because you're a monster!" I sobbed, the tears finally breaking free, hot and furious. "You're a monster, and you're going to hurt me! Just like you hurt them! If you have any single bit of humanity left in you, you would let me live my life in peace."

He flinched as if I had slapped him, the gold in his eyes receding, replaced by a wave of raw, unadulterated pain. He let go of me, stepping back as if my words had physically burned him.

"Is that what you really think of me?" he whispered, his voice a hoarse, broken thing. "That I have no humanity left? That I'm just a monster?"

"Yes," I sobbed, sliding down the wall to the floor, my body trembling with a mixture of fear and exhaustion. "That's all you've ever shown me. No matter how much you pretended to be human, the real you always showed his horns."

He looked at me, his face a mask of devastation, his body rigid with a tension that was almost painful to witness. He was fighting a battle within himself, a battle between the man who wanted to comfort me and the monster who wanted to possess me.

"Jade—"

"No." I said, getting away from him. "I have lived all my life under people’s rules and control. I was abused for years. I was controlled for years. And I thought you were the one, thought when I found you, my years of suffering and torment had come to an end. But it was just the beginning of a different kind of torment. I'm done, Markov. I'm so done."

I saw the tears in his eyes. The raw, unfiltered pain. It was a devastating sight, a crack in the impenetrable armor he always wore. It was the one thing that could have broken me, the one thing that could have made me run into his arms and forgive him for everything.

But I couldn't. I wouldn't. I had to be strong. I had to protect myself.

"You're right," he said, his voice a low, defeated whisper. "You're right about everything. If you insist on living here, I’ll respect your decision. But first, allow me change your locks. Allow me to do this one thing for you. And I'll leave first thing tomorrow."

I looked at him, my mind racing. I didn't want to owe him anything. I didn't want him to touch anything in my apartment, to leave his scent, his presence, to taint my safe haven. But I also knew he was right. The lock was flimsy. A child could have picked it. And Saffra, if she was real, was no child.

I was torn. Torn between my pride and my fear. Between my desire to be independent and my need to be safe.

"Okay," I said, my voice a reluctant whisper. "But you have to leave right after. I mean it."

"I will," he promised, his eyes never leaving mine. "I'll leave, and I won't bother you again."

I didn't believe him. Not for a second. But I was too tired, too scared, to argue.

"Okay," I said, my shoulders slumped in defeat.

He nodded, a flicker of relief in his eyes. He pulled out his phone, his fingers flying across the screen. "It’s late. I can’t find a locksmith now. I’ll go sleep in my car. I'll be back early in the morning. Please, don't go anywhere tonight. Don't open the door for anyone but me."

"Uhm… you can sleep on the couch. If you want," I said, the words escaping before I could stop them. I couldn't believe I was offering him my tiny couch. I couldn't believe I was letting him stay.

He looked at me, surprise and gratitude warring in his eyes. "Are you sure?"

I wasn't sure. I was anything but sure. But the thought of him sleeping in his car, alone and vulnerable, in a city that was not his own, was too much for me to bear.

"Yeah," I said, my voice a little stronger this time. "I'm sure."

He nodded, a slow, deliberate nod. "Thank you, Jade."

I just stood there, my arms crossed over my chest, as he made himself a makeshift bed on my tiny couch. I watched him, my heart a strange, aching mess. He was my enemy, my tormentor, the monster of my nightmares. But he was also my protector, my savior, the man who had risked everything to keep me safe.

I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know what to think.

I went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I leaned against the cool wood, my body trembling. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, my face pale, my eyes wide with a fear that I had tried so hard to bury. I was a mess. And he was the reason why.

But as I looked at my reflection, I saw something else. A flicker of something I hadn't seen in a long time. A flicker of hope. A flicker of the woman I used to be. The woman who wasn't afraid. The woman who was strong. The woman who fought back.

I took a deep breath, my resolve hardening. I would not let him break me. I would fight. I would survive. And I would do it on my own terms.

I opened the door and walked back into the main room. He was already lying on the couch, his shirt off, revealing hismuscular chest and arms.

My cheeks heated up, recalling those nights that I ran my hands all over him, the feel of his skin on mine, moaning as he made love to me. He was a walking sex god. He was a walking contradiction. A monster and a god, all wrapped up in one beautiful, dangerous package.

He opened his eyes, a sleepy, lazy smile playing on his lips. "Like what you see?"

I looked away, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. "Don't flatter yourself," I said, my voice a little too sharp. "I was just checking to see if you were comfortable."

"Very," he said, his voice a low, husky whisper. "It's not every day I get to sleep on the couch of the woman I'm in love with."

My heart skipped a beat, his words a dagger to my already wounded heart. "Don't," I said, my voice a warning. "Don't say that."

"Why not?" he asked, pushing himself up to a sitting position. "It's the truth. I love you, Jade. I have always loved you. And I will always love you."

"Love?" I scoffed, my bitterness a shield against the pain. "Is that what you call it? Love is not possession, Markov. It's not control. It's not fear."

"I know," he said, his voice soft, his eyes filled with a sorrow so deep it took my breath away. "I was a fool. I let my fear control me, my fear of losing you. And in doing so, I almost lost you for good."

"You lost me. Not almost. We are done for good, Markov. I will never be with you again. Not after what you did." My own words surprised me. They were a lie. My body wanted him. My heart still ached for him, even after everything.

He flinched, my words a physical blow. He looked away, his jaw clenched, a muscle ticking in his cheek. He was fighting for control, fighting against the beast that was raging inside him, a beast that was fueled by my rejection.

"Fair enough," he said, his voice a low, defeated whisper. "You're right. I lost you. And I deserve to be punished for it."

I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted to gloat, to rub his pain in his face, to make him feel the same way he had made me feel.

"Goodnight Jade." I turned my back on him and walked towards my small bed, my legs heavy with a weariness that went bone deep. I climbed under the covers, pulling the blanket up to my chin, a flimsy barrier against the world and against the man sleeping on my couch.

I lay there in the dark, my eyes wide open, my body tense. I could hear him breathing, a soft, rhythmic sound that was both comforting and terrifying. I could smell him, the clean, earthy scent of him that was so familiar, so intoxicating. It was the scent of home. A home I could never have again.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block him out, to block out the memories, the feelings, the overwhelming desire that was threatening to consume me. But it was no use. He was there. In my head. In my heart. In my soul.

He was a part of me. A part I would have to cut out if I ever wanted to be whole again.

And I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do it.