Chapter 125

Natasha:

“Does it make me a bad person to mourn over them?” I asked Killian as he entered the room. I was sitting on top of mom’s bed as I looked out the window. 

The number of times that both Nikolai and I were in here were countless, and I couldn’t help but find myself looking down at the first picture mom took of the two of us. He invited me to prom when he found out that I was yet to have a date, and though we broke up a year afterwards, I knew that the two of us were somehow meant to be together as we grew older.

“We all mourn for those that we love.” He said, and I wrapped my arms around my legs as he walked toward me. He sat on the bed by my side, but I had to admit, I couldn’t find it in myself to look at him. I didn’t know why, maybe it was me being embarrassed of everything that happened, or maybe it was the fact that I was in more pain than I could describe. I just knew that my eyes couldn’t meet his no matter how much I tried.

“Did she tell you?” I asked, and he frowned in confusion. “Eleanor, did she tell you?”

I didn’t know whether or not she told him about the gun, and though I knew that she wouldn’t be doing it to get me in trouble with him, I was just curious about whether or not he knew.

“What do you mean?” He asked, and I scoffed, shaking my head at myself.

“She didn’t tell you that I handed her a gun to shoot me?” I asked, and his eyes widened in surprise. “That I just wanted to end everything after I lost everyone that ever loved me, or I believed that they did at least.”

“Natasha, why the fuck would you…?”

“I don’t deserve to be in this world, Killian.” I said, stopping him. “I realized that all too late, but she wouldn’t let me go.”

“Natasha, what is this nonsense that you are talking about?” He asked, shaking his head at me. “Because I am sure that my strong sister is still in there somewhere. You mourning doesn’t make you wrong or bad, but you wanting to let things go because of what happened…”

“Killian, I almost died a few years ago,” I said, stopping him. “By some miracle, you saved my life with the money that you paid for my medication. I was kidnapped before then, raped, and thrown out naked, again, you saved my life. The love of my life looked me in the eye for years, and I don’t even know how long he has been stabbing us in the back, my mom is the woman who brought in the enemy. Hell, she was the enemy. Why am I alive through all of that? Why am I still fighting to live through everything that has happened?”

“Because we can’t do it without you,” he said, taking my hand in his. He squeezed it gently and I kept my eyes on his, wondering how, after everything that he heard from my mother, how he found out where I came from and who she was, how he was able to look at me. I know that I might have not been able to have the same strength to do so. “Because I can’t afford to lose another sister in my life, can that be a reason? Because I can’t find myself looking around the house without knowing that I have someone who would most likely end up bringing in twenty bags of dresses because she felt like spoiling herself for the day. Because I know that my wife would be breaking inside without her best friend by her side. Because I know that I have a daughter who would be growing up around her aunt, learning her crazy schemes and driving me crazy as she grows older.”

I laughed and he wiped my tears from my eyes. “What they said, any of them, is not going to change anything about who you are to me, and how much I love you, Natasha. Maybe, yes, I did not and I never will love you as a lover…”

“Don’t be disgusting, Killian,” I said, and the man laughed, shaking his head at me. “The two of us used to shower together after swimming in a pool filled with pee, and I don’t even want to mention seeing your green mustache as you hit puberty.”

He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest before kissing the crown of my head. “We are all mourning over them. Each one of us in this house in his or her way. But in the end, we all know that it was justice that was served to them. We didn’t go for revenge, regardless of everything, I know that even Eleanor didn’t choose revenge against Elton. My woman forgave him for everything that he did to her,”

“I am going to slap her a thousand times for that, but right now, I really don’t have the energy to think of doing so.” I said, and he chuckled, shaking his head at me. 

“She did it to live in peace, with herself, with me, and with our family. She used the pain that he caused her as her strength, and though I know that the trauma is not one that she is going to get over easily, I know that she is going to be okay now that she let things out of her.” He said, looking down at me. “That is why I want you to mourn, all you need, be it a month, two, even a year, but when you decide that you are done, that you are ready to find your happiness with someone who deserves you; I want you to be truly happy.”

“Happiness is not something that I can find, Killian. You know that very well,” I said, looking up at him as he held me on his chest. He kissed the crown of my head before pulling away to rest his chin on it, looking out the window as he did. Mom used to tell us stories at night in this room, especially on rainy days when we all knew that we weren’t allowed to go out.

“Happiness finds us all somehow, sestra.” He said, his voice softening. “All you have to do is accept it when it approaches. And believe me, I will be sure that it is guided to you when the time comes…”