Chapter 36: Hiding - Monet

I can't believe what I have done.

I acted on the spur of the moment and kissed Cole.

Oh my god, if only the earth would swallow me whole.

He's either pretending not to know that I didn't kiss him like a girl would kiss a boy that she likes, or he genuinely thinks the kiss was innocent.

I hope to God that it's the latter, because the first would be the biggest embarrassment of my whole entire life.

I don't know if I'm imagining things, but the whole atmosphere feels muted after the incident. Even Luke and Amy are uncharacteristically quiet, Luke busy deflating the floaty while Amy helps me and Cole gather up everything.

It was a perfect day. The weather, the atmosphere, everything.

And it's like we're all saying goodbye to something special when we get into the back seat of Cole's truck.

Even the music on the radio feels melancholic, and Amy lays her head down on my lap looking sad. I know she'll tell me what's up, and it clearly has something to do with Luke because he doesn't look any better.

Maybe the four of us should stay away from one another for a while. It would've been good if Amy didn't buy those flight tickets for the away game.

Lines are definitely becoming blurry, and it is going to get completely stomped on if we keep on spending all this time in the same vicinity.

The getting drunk and crashing at their dorms have to stop too, before I do something I can't take back. Destroying my relationship with Cole means destroying my family's dynamic.

I have to stop.

So I have to stay away from him.

For real this time.

The guys drop us off at Amy's house where my car still is, and we watch them drive off.

"What's up with you?" I ask Amy carefully. "You seemed so sad."

I know it's unfair of me for her to want to talk about what's bothering her when I can't even tell her that I kissed Cole.

"This whole fucking situation is what's bothering me." She sighs, annoyed. "Luke is such a goody two shoes! Meanwhile, he gives his dick to every blonde bitch out there but he recoils if I give him one kiss!"

I open my mouth and close it again, surprised that the two of us are going through similar situations.

"You kissed him?"

"Yes, and then he went on saying that he's betraying Coach's trust, and we can't be together like that and all that shit." She literally stomps her foot like a toddler. "It was embarrassing, and I don't want to see him again!"

Very embarrassing.

"You bought us tickets for the away game." I remind her. "You have no choice but to see him."

"Let's ignore them." She hooks her arm through mine and leads me to the front door. "We're young, free, and hot. I'm sure the rival team will just go out of their way to rail us."

"I don't want to be railed by the rival team." I pull my face at her, then smile. This girl knows just how to make me feel better without her even knowing it.

"I know, but Luke doesn't want to rail me." She makes a sad face, making me laugh. "So I need to be railed by someone else."

"Who is getting railed?" Coach is standing just inside the door, and I burst out giggling.

"You're ruining my life!" Amy shouts at him before pulling me up the stairs to her room.

I spend a little time there before going back to my dorm and into Chrystal's mess. I groan at the sight. Maybe Amy's family wants to adopt me for college accomodation, or maybe I need to go to the offices and see if I can't maybe get a transfer or something.

I throw myself in school work the week that follows, answering Cole's messages with only short replies. He never once brings up the kiss, and when Mom calls me for our mid week check in, I feel so guilty that I just want to hide in my room and never leave.

"Is everything okay?" Mom frowns, picking up on my mood.

Yes, I kissed the boy you consider your son. That's not even the worst of it, I masturbated on him while he was sleeping. I'm a bad person, I let my body's needs lead me. I'm no better than those cleats chasers.

I don't tell her any of those things, though, and when we get off the video call, I see there's a text from Damon.

Damon: Hey, I know you're leaving for the weekend. I was wondering if you were up for a movie on Thursday night, though?

I should go. He's cute, and exactly the type of guy I need to forget about Cole in a sexual way. So I type yes.

I know I'm hiding my true feelings, but maybe if I continue to do that, whatever is going on inside me for Cole, will disappear for good.