Chapter 203 Getting over it - Monet

Chapter 203 Getting over it - Monet
I'm so fucking confused.
A myriad of emotions is warring within me as I let Cole lead me to his hotel room.
I'm hurt.
He came back from wherever the fuck he was and he didn't come to see me first. Did all those things he wrote in those letters mean nothing? I feel like our whole life together has been discarded.
Yet, when he gently pushes me through the door, and I turn to him, there's a look in his eyes that I have never seen before.
Surrender.
"Where were you?" I need to know.
I think of all the damn nights I cried myself to sleep, the days I felt like just staying in bed and not facing the world, where Amy had to literally drag me out of it.
"I was in a psychiatric facility." He gulps, his blue eyes shining with vulnerability.
I shake my head, still not understanding any of it. "But why couldn't you just tell me where you were? I was fucking worried, the least you could have done was call me or something!"
"I know it's hard to understand." He walks closer to me, but I take a step back, putting distance between us. He winces, but stops. "The clinic is a little unconventional. They believe you have to work on the fundamentals first, where I came from, what happened before Kamila took me in, and that was the part that I was struggling with the most."
My frown deepens. "So I'm what? An afterthought?"
He inhales deeply. "You are the most important person, my number one priority, you are definitely not an afterthought."
"Your number one priority!" I exclaim in disbelief. "You left me for a whole year, Cole, with no contact, how the fuck was I your number one priority? Did you even care what I was going through? How being without you made me feel! How not knowing if you're okay, if you're hurting? I was kidnapped! I was almost raped! So please tell me how am I your number one priority if you didn't even check up on me!"
He doesn't answer, but I see it, a glimpse of something familiar in his eyes, that possessiveness that used to scare me and turn me on at the same time.
"Do you honsestly think you weren't the first and last thing on my mind and heart every single second of every day?" His voice is raspy, and fuck him, but it's enough to soften my resolve. "I had to fix what was broken. It took longer than what I thought it would, but I'd rather take a year and be the man I'm supposed to be, not just for you, but for our children."
My eyes burn with unshed tears, the hurt of the past year threatening to spill out. "So you abandoned me? That was the answer?"
"Do you think I never saw it?" He frowns. "The way you were scared that I might lose it when something happens? The way you always thought of me first and putting yourself last, all so I would be able to handle what we were going through? You did it and Kamila did it too, walking on eggshells because Cole might bust another window if he loses his cool. Do you think I liked that version of me? The version that was relying on you to fix me? I don't want to be that man."
"I loved you no matter what!" The tears I've been struggling to keep inside spill over my cheeks. "I didn't care about any of that! I love you in spite of all of that."
"But I didn't, Monet." Tears fall from his eyes too, and he shows me all his vulnerabilities. "I didn't love myself when I looked in the mirror. All I saw was that six year old boy who stabbed someone's eye out, who scarred someone's face, and every time I thought of him, I thought I didn't deserve to be here, that maybe it would be best to die. "
"Cole..."A sob wracks my body. I knew he was down bad, he's been deeply depressed before, but the thought of him taking his own life is enough to split me apart.
"And you are perfect, and you want me, but what if I did that to you?"
"I'm not perfect, Cole."
He steps closer to me, and this time I don't step back, I let hom take my arms into his hands.
"You are perfect to me." He whispers, his familiar scent all around me. "You are smart, but you are so kind. You have always put me before you because I wasn't strong enough, but now I am. I'm strong enough to catch you if you fall."
I wipe the tears from my face, probably looking like shit now while he still looks so perfect. I take a deep breath, my insides feeling exposed and raw.
"I don't understand why you had to come here first. It's like you put football before us."
I think that is what's hurting me the most, the fact that he didn't come to see me first.
I think what he did was brave, facing his demons head-on, by himself, even though I wish I was there with him on the journey.
"Yeah, that happened very fast." He sighs. "I didn't know Dad declared me for the draft. He said he wanted me to have options, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to come, I always wanted to have one more year in school with you, but with everything that happened, I thought it was a good idea to do the combine."
"Dad?" I lift my eyebrows. "Coach is Dad now?"
"He was a part of my therapy."
I hate what I'm about to do, because having him here, close to me, is the highlight of my year, but it doesn't erase it.
"I'm happy for you." I blink away another wave of tears. "I think seeking help is a courageous thing to do, but I'm gonna need some time."
Disappointment washes over him, but he nods in understanding.
"I'm gonna go now." I walk past him back to the door. "Good luck with tomorrow."