Chapter 3: You Again

Opening my eyes this morning, they feel like paper weights. Lying here wishing I was dead, replaying last night over in my head. Mystery boy, will I see you on campus this week? Will we talk? Okay, let’s focus. Molly, do your homework, stretch your body from last night, rest, hydrate, and then practice the dance moves they showed us this week in class.

Sunday is the same, I need to stay focused. I came here for a new beginning and I am not going to turn into some crazy 20-year-old again, love-struck and unfocused.

It’s Monday morning which means school again. Maybe this week I will make a new friend. Who knows if I tell myself this enough times maybe it will come true. At least my walk to school is always the same. The streets are busy with your typical business people rushing to their office jobs, students rushing to their classes, and nobody talking to anyone either their face in their phone or staring at the ground as they walk. I make my way to school and walk through the courtyard to class like I did every day last week. Maybe I should eat in the cafeteria today, maybe it’ll have a different vibe today. I wish school was just school, not some popularity contest or some stupid ranking system. I’m lost in my thoughts of how to fit into this social crowd when I hear:

“Been in any more boys’ washrooms?”

I know that voice, I think. I stop walking and turn around and sure enough, it's the boy from the bar. Being awkward, I laugh, smile, and continue to stand here awkwardly without responding. Not knowing what to do or what to say, I turn away from him and start walking towards my classroom again. I wonder why he asked me that, was he joking at the bar, but I went into the bathroom anyway? Why didn’t I have a conversation? What am I afraid of? Oh, Gawd what if he thinks I'm an idiot? These are the questions running through my head all day long. Not even sure what my classes were about today. I must call Lacey, she’ll know what to do. I grab my phone out of my bag and dial her number.

“Hey, girl,” Lacey answers as if we talked daily for our entire lives.

“Oh, my freaking gawd, seriously you don't even know what happened today. I'm pretty sure I'm the most awkward human ever. Hi by the way, and sorry for just randomly calling you.” I reply.

“Psh, don’t apologize for calling me. We’re friends, Molly. Just like old times, seriously you're my girl. Now, what happened? Spill it.” Lacey’s voice screams excitement.

“Remember the cute guy from the bar on Friday?” I ask.

“Oh yeah, you mean the HOT bathroom boy?” She answers with emphasis on the hot part.

“Is that what we're calling him?” I giggle. “Anyways, yes him. He stopped me in the hall today,” Lacey gasps dramatically “Oh yeah, by the way he goes to my school, and he asked me if I've spent any more time in any boys’ bathrooms.” I tell her, I'm sure she can hear my embarrassment through the phone.

“So, then what happened? I'm dying over here, tell me, tell me!” She is so excited, like I'm going to tell her we hooked up or something.

“Nothing, seriously nothing I made a noise meant to be a laugh, not sure what it was that came out of my mouth, and then I just walked away.” I say knowing I sound like a psycho.

“Now he's probably scared of you.” She says laughing.

“Lacey, honestly what do I do? What am I doing? Do you think this is OK? Or am I a bad person because I want to see him again? He’s so nice to look at.” I’m almost whining.

“Molly seriously don't overthink it, whatever is meant to be will be. Now let's go out again this weekend and forget about it or maybe see him again in the bathroom.” I can hear her laughing on the other end of the phone. I shake my head at her even though I know she can’t see me.

“Oh, you're so funny but yeah sure sounds good see you Friday, and thanks for listening.”

“That’s what I’m here for girlfriend, K bye.”

Wow, that was a long week. I saw my mysterious bathroom boy a few times but made sure to keep my distance. He likes to eat in the courtyard and is in the dance program. How, why do I know this, why do I even care about it? Whatever, time to get ready for another crazy night out in the city. I go into my closet and find a pair of jeans with a few rips in them and a cute yellow baby doll-style top with lace around the top. I decided tonight I want to be a hippie; I curl my hair and wear a daisy crown. I drink a few pre-party drinks while I get ready and I'm set to go. I walk out the front doors of the dorms to wait for Lacey on the steps. Within minutes I can hear Lacey coming from down the road, but there are a few more people with her tonight than I thought there would be, that’s okay more people to meet and make friends with.

“Let's get this party started,” I yell as I join the crowd of people. We started walking to the bar when I realized the crowd was bigger than what I thought when I saw them walking. As I'm watching the newcomers, I see him, bathroom boy, why is he here? What the hell? Wait, whatever, let's just have fun, I will ignore him. Pretend like I don't even notice he is here. Lacey's voice pulls me back from my thoughts.

“Travelers?” she asks with a sly little smile. I look at Lacey surprised by the question.

“When have I ever said no?” I answer with the same sort of smile.

We are so loud, I don't even care. We get to the bar, and buddy holds the door open for me, smiling like we seem to keep doing, again looking like he wants to talk or ask me something, my only saving grace is how much I love to dance. I grab Lacey’s hand and one of the other girls drags out to the dance floor with me.

“Let's hit the dance floor.” I holler for anyone else interested in joining us.

A bunch of us are dancing up a storm, I don't even realize Lacey left until she shows up on the dance floor with some drinks, this is going to be a sloppy night. I feel it in my bones already. As the music pumps, I am a sick-ass dancer, I have moves like Jagger and I need another beer already. Oh, I’m hilarious, people should hear what I say in my head. Laughing, I head to the bar to grab another drink. I lean over the bar like I did last weekend. It seemed to work then and holler.

“Hey, can I get two Coors please?” I slide back down the bar, leaning against it while I wait. My mind can think here for a second, OK why is he here with us? Like why did he come with us? I look around for a minute while I wait for the barkeep, and yeah, they need to hurry up with those beers because buddy is here like right here, walking towards me. I’m too drunk for this.

“Do you dance like that in class?” he asks.

CRAP am I starting again? Holy crap Molly speak to him, move your lips, why am I so shy and dumbfounded?

“Hey, I'm talking to you, do your teachers know you dance like that or is it reserved for here?” He is moving his head to meet my gaze. FUCK.

“How do you know how I dance?” I ask.

Oh my God, I'm such a bitch. I need to relax.

“I've seen you around campus.” He answers casually as he shrugs his shoulders.

“Oh, so you're stalking me?” I turn around back to the bar wondering what’s taking so long for these beers. I need to ease up. What's wrong with me? I awkwardly laugh so he knows I am joking, then look back at him slightly. Why is he just staring at me and saying something before he walks away? Just as I go to open my mouth my beers arrive, I grab them, turn around, and ask.

“Are you just going to stand there talking to me all night or are you going to come show me how to dance?”

I don't think now, I put a beer in his hand and take the free one leading him to the dance floor. I feel the beat inside my bones, I find my inner Queen, time to show him what I am made of. Sweet it’s a rap song playing and I am bringing all my sexy out on the dance floor, mixing between my hip-hop skills and my contemporary and my moves. Why is he just standing there? OK I'm going to dance around him then, maybe he needs to warm up before he busts a move, or not, maybe he doesn’t like rap music, I turn around and back right up to him, grinding my butt up against his groin. Still nothing, I’m just the idiot dancing with him, not cool, I give up. Where are the girls? I look around the dance floor and spot them. I turn around to dance with them and I can hear people cheering. Was it for me?

I turn back around to humbly accept their cheers. Wait they aren’t cheering for me, they’re cheering for the bathroom boy, why do I still not know his name? I've never seen anyone dance like that. It's like a cross between hip-hop and jazz. Kind of like Channing Tatum, mm, now I'm the one staring, crap let's hope he didn’t pick up on that, since I am practically drooling over here. Wait who cares he has been staring at me all night, and I didn’t come here for this. I came to have fun with Lacey and some new friends. The idea was to not think about this guy, not to drool over him more. I need some air, to relax for a second and think about what the heck is even going on. I leave the dance floor and motion to Lacey.

I'm heading outside and fan my face to let her know I need air; she gives me a thumbs up and keeps dancing. I work my way through the crowd of people and finally make it outside. I look around for a place to park my butt and regroup. Perfect, this bench looks like a mighty good place to sit. I turn around to sit down, the bench faces the door to the bar. When I look up there he is right in front of me, well like not face to face in front of me but like right there coming out the door. Is he following me on purpose, this is getting ridiculous, oh even better he’s walking over to me now, maybe he won’t talk to me if I don’t look at him.

“Was my dancing really that bad? Not only did you leave the dance floor, but you had to leave the building too?” He asks then laughs at himself.

Okay so he can dish out jokes, and he is kind of funny. I chuckle a little and smile in a flirty way. Why does this guy make me feel this way? Should I be an ass and say he sucked or be honest and tell him he was amazing, and I was drooling and needed to get some air, so I didn’t pass out. Either way, I will probably sound like a nerd but here I go.

“No sorry I didn’t want to be the one gawking when I just blamed you for doing that, plus I thought it would just be easier to get away before the herd came rushing through,” I say and chuckle at myself, thinking it's a funny joke.

“Get away from the herd of what?” He sincerely looked confused and didn’t laugh, crap.

“Girls that were ready to jump your bones in there, I’m not one for getting trampled, is that why you came out here to survive the stampede?” I am cracking up at myself now, like why isn’t he laughing this shit is gold hahaha.

“Ha funny.” That is all he says.

“Sorry I'm not making fun of you,” but I can't stop laughing.

“I am serious, didn’t you see all the competition in there?” I pull myself together and look up at him straight-faced.

“Girl, you’ve lost me now, were we in some sort of dance competition?” I laugh and smile at him, where is this going, I’m beating around the bush and he is clueless or at least acting that way.

“No, I’m talking about all the girls who want to throw themselves at you. I’m not one for competing for attention, but I still don’t know why you came outside when I’m sure the girls were lining up to get with you after that dance. I thought maybe you forgot how to dance, or maybe I stunned you with my sick dance moves. But then you didn't even react to my dancing so maybe I’m not as good as I thought, but you were just holding out on me because you’re a damn good dancer. Sorry, I ramble when I’m nervous.” I look away from him, not sure what to do now that I just said all that. But he sits next to me on the side I was looking at.

“Hmm, let’s stop and think about this, you’re saying I could have any girl in the bar?” He looks shocked but in a forced sarcastic way, “Hmm and yet I walked away from them all and followed the one girl who won’t compete for my attention?” He still sounds sarcastic or like it's the most shocking statement.

“Wait, What?” That is all I can say. I’m so confused right now, I think he is twisting my words, but is he also saying he came out here because he doesn’t want those other girls, he didn’t even touch me when my ass was on him.

“Can we cut the BS and stop talking in some sort of riddles, why did you walk out?” He says with a beautiful white perfect smile plastered on his face. I’m distracted momentarily. Wait, I'm the one asking the questions though.

“Why didn’t you dance with me when I was dancing?” I ask very seriously. Or as serious as I can be with him right next to me still smiling. The bathroom boy answers.

“I was enjoying the show, now answer my question.”

“I didn’t want to watch you dance with someone else.” The bathroom boy smiles that perfect smile again.

“Okay now we are getting somewhere, I came outside after you, I don’t want to dance with anyone else.”

Okay well shit just became real, real fast, we are both attracted to each other, and it kind of feels weird like I shouldn’t be doing this. I need another beer, maybe if I get drunk enough, I won’t think about what is or isn’t happening and I can just dance and have a good time. I stand up from the bench.

“Let’s go get a drink,” I say.

I take a step and clumsy me, I trip over my own two feet and fall right into the bathroom boys’ arms. SERIOUSLY, of course, this must happen, what a freakin fool, I am so embarrassed. I can feel my face turning red as I look up at him. He is staring back at me, his eyes are so entrancing, as he looks at me square in the eye, I can feel him deep in my soul like he’s been there before, it's such a surreal feeling. I feel like I’m having deja-vu, no, not with him. I've seen these eyes before, these big beautiful blue eyes. I look away break the stare, and realize I am still in his embrace, I pull away and stand up for myself very abruptly. I push past him and make a B-line for Lacey on the dance floor. I grab her shoulders and talk directly into her ear, still trying to catch my breath.

“Lace, I gotta go, I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t breathe, I’ll call you tomorrow to explain.”

I don’t even pay attention to my surroundings, I just head to the exit, I need to get out of here. Why did I think I could do this, act like I was someone else, like I don’t have baggage? As I get to the door of the bar, I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, I can’t control them or the feeling of guilt. I can’t catch my breath. I need to sit down for a minute, I sit on the curb between 2 cars and put my head on my knees, trying to remember my breathing exercises. I can feel that someone is next to me on the ground, but I can’t look. Then I hear his voice.

“I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, I thought we were on the same page, I don’t want you to leave on my account. It’s cool we don’t have to be anything.” Aww, why does he have to be so nice? I take a deep breath, look away from him, try and to wipe my tears away, hoping he won’t notice as I speak.

“Thanks, it’s not that at all, it’s just, uh, I, um, never mind, I gotta go, sorry.” I’m stuttering my words, I stand up, step around him, and start walking back to my dorm as if he didn’t exist, this is wrong or maybe it’s not but either way it hurts, and I don’t want to tell him my whole life story when I barely even know him. I can see out of the corner of my eye he also got up and is walking towards me. In a low voice, he says, “My parents raised me right, I’m not going to let you walk back alone.” Is this guy for real right now?

“We don’t have to talk or even better yet, you can pretend I’m not here, but I just want to make sure you get home safely.”

I can’t even keep it together anymore, the tears just keep rolling down my cheeks, I don’t know what to say. I can’t talk, I don’t want to talk. He says nothing the rest of the walk, he keeps in pace with me walking by my side, no doubt thinking I’m a loose cannon, and have major issues. He does nothing, says nothing, and just walks with me to my dorm. I can see the steps approaching the front door and I don’t know what to say or do. I don’t want an awkward goodbye. I don’t want to talk to him at all. I don’t have to talk to him. But I am grateful he walked me home. I stop quickly at the bottom of the step, and turn my body towards him, but don’t look up at him. Through rattled breath I just say, “Thanks.” I run up the stairs and into the front foyer, the door closes behind me and I sink to the ground with my head on my knees. I don’t know how long I will sit here like this. Thankfully no one is around, I eventually get up and walk to my room, I don’t change my clothes, I don’t do anything but fall into my bed. I’m exhausted and feel like a failure. Like I’m failing Jeremy by being interested in someone else. I close my eyes wondering if I will ever be able to move on in my life. Wondering if coming to the Toronto School of Dance was the right thing to do. As I lie here in my thoughts, I grab the photo of Jeremy and me, maybe if I hold it, it will give me the answers I need or the strength.