Chapter 10: Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?

School just ended, I think I did well on all my final exams and with my final dance routines. Our grades won’t be posted for another couple of weeks, but I know I passed. I am excited for summer, to move in with Adam and see where life takes us. It will take us right to our next year of school, but we don’t need to worry about that for about 3 months. Speaking of Adam, I haven't seen a lot of him these days. The last 2 weeks we've been cramming and practicing, and we haven't done much on the apartment search. Which is okay, I am currently packing my stuff, luckily, it's mostly clothes and books. I keep thinking about where we're going to live. Since school is done, I must move out of my dorm by the end of the weekend. I'll be moving into Adam’s room until we find a place. We don’t have a lot of space there, so most of my things will stay in boxes until we move, then once we find a place, I will get whatever I have in storage out for the apartment. The more I pack the more I can’t stop thinking about where we will live. But we won’t ever find a place unless we start looking at what’s out there. I decided to stop packing and started searching for places. I grab my computer and climb up onto my bed. The first site I look at I think I have found our place, our new home. I send the link to Adam Me: Check out this place, I’m going to book a walk-through tomorrow at 10 am.

I called the number listed and booked the appointment. I keep looking online and find a cool 2-bedroom loft, I call them and book an appointment at 11 am, then I find 2 more apartments with 2 bedrooms, I call both of them and book visits for tomorrow one following the other.

Me: Actually, I have just booked us appointments for 11, 1 and 2, so don’t make plans for tomorrow we are apartment hunting.

Adam: You don't waste time. Do you need help with your stuff?

Me: I need help deciding what clothes to keep and which ones to pack away for a month.

Adam: I meant manual labor to kind of help.

Me: LOL nah I'm good for now, see you tomorrow at 9:30 AM I'll pick you up.

The first apartment is beautiful, it has parking underground, some amazing amenities in the building like laundry in the apartment, a social room, and a corner store in the building. We enter the apartment; the entryway is literally just a hallway. Both bedroom doors are as soon as you walk in with a bathroom between them. The spare room is your basic bedroom, a small closet with a standard size window. The bathroom is a standard bathroom also, shower tub combo, small vanity and a toilet. The master bedroom is your standard size room, the cool thing is it has access to the balcony. We walk down the hallway and it opens to the kitchen and living room, which are open concepts. The kitchen basically wraps around the inside wall, the living room seems like it is just an extension of the kitchen but with access to the same balcony as the master bedroom. The rooms are all decent size, it feels like we would have a lot of room to live. The cost is in our range, a little on the high side, but nothing we couldn’t afford together. The location is in a nice part of the city, it’s not too far from campus, but we would need transportation.

The second apartment is huge and oddly shaped. We walk into an entryway which has a huge closet. To the right is a guest room. It has a full-size closet and its own bathroom, to the left we walk through a doorway into the kitchen. The kitchen is huge for a condo in my eyes. There is an island in the middle of the kitchen which separates the dining room from the kitchen. On the other side of the dining room is the living room. The ceilings in the living room are so high for a condo too, it doesn’t even feel like we are in a building. Off the living room is the master bedroom. The master bedroom is very large, it has a private bathroom with a jacuzzi tub, a walk-in closet, and a private balcony. This condo is very expensive, it's beautiful but way too much. We don’t need so much space, and for our first place together we don’t need such a luxurious place to live. The location is a lot further away from campus than I thought, it would take forever to get to class each day.

The third one we look at is a bit on the outskirts of campus life, but close enough we could either take public transit or we could drive. It’s in an older part of town, the building looks old on the outside, but is clean on the inside. It offers parking and laundry on site. The unit we look at is on the corner of the building as soon as we get to the door, I am already very intrigued. The door was like a barn door, you slide it to open it, but it’s heavy so at least I know you can’t easily break in. We walk right into the living room slash kitchen area. It's an open concept which I am a fan of. There is a kitchen bar for meals, the kitchen is a great size for Adam and me, we can both be in there and open the oven and fridge. The bar is like a two level so when you are in the kitchen you can use the counter for prep work, but the side you eat on is higher so we can have room to eat. The living room is a perfect size, looks like it will fit a sofa and table, simple. The coolest thing is there is a wall of boxes, like a ceiling to floor shelf, I can already visualize our picture frames and stuff on it. The room on the other side looks like it could be big enough for a small dining room or we could put a desk there to do homework. There is one bathroom and two bedrooms, one is small, the master is beautiful, perfect size for a queen size bed and has a large enough closet for both of our stuff. The price is less than our budget and I am thrilled about that. I try to keep my excitement contained as we have one apartment to see but so far this is my favorite.

We go to the last one, it is small, smaller than the one we just looked at. We walk in, the rooms are right by the entrance door, just like the first one we saw and I feel uncomfortable about having my room right at the entrance to the apartment. I can’t tell which room is the master and which is the spare room. They seem the same size, very cramped. The rooms would fit a bed only, and the closets are very small. The living room and kitchen looked smashed together. We would have to eat on the sofa everyday. There is not enough room for two people to be in the kitchen at one time, I can barely open the oven door and stand there. Lastly there is no laundry facility onsite which is a must for me.

We leave the last apartment and neither of us say anything about any of the apartments we just saw. I drive in silence back to my dorm. I can’t take the silence any longer so I ask him. “So, what did you think of the places we looked at today? Have you got your bank info yet?” “The last one was terrible. I do not want to live there. The second one was way too big, and very expensive. No finals just ended. I'll go Monday for my bank info, do you have yours?” he replies. “I’m working on it. I applied at a few dance studios for the summer and at another place.” I say. I know I don't have to work but I want to, it will help keep me balanced and in reality. I want to stay grounded and have a sense of accomplishment knowing I earn what I spend. I really need to tell Adam about Jeremy and the entire situation. This is a huge step for me to move in with someone again, and specifically another guy. I haven’t even thought about when it comes time to decorate, there will be things I either want to put out or my memory box I want to have with me.

“Oh my God, I knew you were intense with school but man you don't mess around,” Adam exclaims.

“Nope, and my favorite place was the loft. I need to call my dad to see if he'll come look at it and then we need to put an offer on it.” I told him.

“Are you always like this?” Adam asks me.

“Yes, you should know by now that when I know what I want it doesn't take me long to go after it and get it,” I answer. I look over at Adam and he has a grin on his face from ear to ear. We pull into the parking lot and walk over to the back door of the dorms, I open it for Adam but don’t walk in, he gives me a funny look. I tell him, “I'll be outside talking to my dad and then you're good to go back tomorrow to look at it again? I’ll call and make the appointment before I come up.” I check with him.

“I’m not going to have a choice, am I? You want the loft and if Willie says it's good, you'll get it won't you?” Adam asks.

“Pretty much. So tomorrow?” I say as a question, but not really asking this time.

“I’m just along for the ride. Tell me where to sign and how much money I owe.” Adam walks in the door laughing, I stay outside to call my dad.

“Hey Molly, what's up?” My Dad answers the phone, I explain why I'm calling, tell him about all the places we saw, how I love the loft, and ask him to come check it out tomorrow. I get off the phone and call Adam’s dad “Hello,” Mr. White answers, “Hi Mr. White, it's Molly. I just was wondering if you have any tips for when looking at places like how we know if the place is rotten?” I ask him.

Mr. White gives me all kinds of advice, some of which I know already, some I'm sure my dad will do, but it makes Mr. White feel important too. We hang up and I quickly call to book another walk-through of the loft. I head back to my room. Adam's on the phone so I grab a load of my stuff and take it out to the car. I walk back up to my room, Adam’s on his way down with more stuff, and he stops to ask “Did you call my dad?”

“Yeah I just wanted them to feel involved, my dad will be here tomorrow to go look at the loft,” I answer.

“Man, I can't believe how on the ball you are it's amazing.” Adam smiles as he keeps walking. We take a few more loads of my things until the car is packed solid, and head over to Adam’s to unload and relax for the night.

My phone beeps, Mom: Hey Molly, we are almost at Adam’s are you guys ready?

Me: Yep we’ll be outside waiting “My parents are almost here, I said we would be outside waiting” I tell Adam. We head outside and wait on the curb for my parents. They come in no time at all, we get in their truck and head over to look at the loft. When we pull up, I can see my mom looking around at the building. Reading her mind I reassure her.

“I know it looks old on the outside, but the inside has been renovated.” Nobody says anything, we park, get out and head inside to the office where they bring us up the elevator to the loft.

“That’s a neat looking door, is it safe?” My Mom asks.

“Yes I asked the landlord when we were here yesterday, it’s solid wood, and it locks 2 different ways, one for when you leave and you lock it from the outside and a different one for when you’re home and you lock it from the inside,” Adam answers her.

When did Adam ask the landlord about the door? Oh well, he gave the right answer to my mom and it’s good to know he was worried about that too. As I walk around the loft with my mom, she is already decorating it, ‘You can put the sofa here and a chair, maybe get an area rug, oh and look at all the space for fun nicknacks on this cool wall, can you paint the walls?’ Meanwhile, my dad is checking the plumbing, running the water and timing how long until it gets hot, running the sink in the kitchen and the bathtub at the same time, filling up the sink and tub, then draining them all at once and flushing the toilet. Adam and I exchange a look and I just shrug my shoulders. I'm not sure exactly what he is doing but this is why I called him to come. Now he is knocking on the walls, I guess to make sure the walls aren't rotting or whatever, at the same time he keeps plugging in a socket tester. Opening and closing windows, playing with the thermostat, asking the landlord all kinds of questions ‘What internet provided do most people use, how long were the last people there, when was the last time they renovated, has a pet ever lived here.’ We leave the building, sit in the car, and talk it over with my parents. Both think it's a great place to live while we finish school. I look at Adam with a huge smile. He shakes his head and says, “We’re going back in, aren’t we?”

“Yes, I can write a check first and last, sign the rental agreement, and see what else they need from us,” I answered eagerly.

Adam smiles, my parents wait in the car while we go get our new home. I am grinning ear to ear while we walk back into the building. We head right into the landlord’s office to review the rental agreement, I write a check for the first and last, we read over the rental agreement one final time. It is very standard . The contract is for 1 year, after the first year we can renew for longer if agreed upon for all parties, the monthly rent, policy on parking, noise, what we can and cannot do to the loft, what the landlord is responsible for vs what we are responsible for. They take copies of our driver’s licenses and ask us to produce background checks, references, and income proof. The landlord said we have a week to produce the documents they need, and they will give us the keys next weekend.

“Well, Babe here we go. We are really moving in together.” Adam squeezes my hand. We sign the agreement and head back to the car.

“Are we all good?” My Dad asks, looking at me through the mirror.

“Yeah, Adam and I have to produce a few things and then the loft should be ours, we should head to the police station now for the background checks then we'll go our separate ways,” I answer. My dad gives me a weird look like he knows something is not quite right but says nothing. He just drives us to the closest Toronto Police Station, during the drive my mom keeps the conversation moving about what stuff I have in storage, and what they can give us from their house, what we will need to buy. Next thing I know we are at the station. Adam and I head inside, we apply for the background checks, and the officer tells us they should be available in a few days and just to call before coming. We head back to Adams when we pull up in front of the house my Dad speaks up.

“Adam, do you mind if we take Molly out just the three of us for a bit, we’ll drop her back off later on?” I give my dad a look that's kind of rude to kick him out.

“Yeah sure sounds good, see you in a while Babe, thanks for your help Willie, nice to see you again Loretta.” Adam gives me a kiss goodbye I whisper sorry and shrug my shoulders, Adam gets out of the car and walks towards the house. I immediately turn to my Dad.

“Dad, that was kind of rude, why don’t you want Adam to come out with us?”

“I know but you're worried about something so what's up?” He asks me. We drive towards the lakeshore. My mom turned almost completely around in her seat to look at me.

“Nothing is wrong, I'm fine, you didn’t need to kick him out,” I answer with a bit of sass to my voice.

“Well when you left the car you were grinning ear to ear, when you came back it was like you saw a ghost.”

My Mom smacks my Dad in the arm and gives him this look as if to say shut up.

“Fine it’s the proof of income, we don't have jobs yet, and I’m worried if we don’t get jobs this week we will lose the loft and I love it so much I can see the two of us living there.” I finally answered truthfully.

“I’m confused, you haven’t worked all year at school, and you haven’t struggled, you are still getting income each month from Jeremy’s life insurance, right? I thought we set that up as a monthly income so you would be sustainable until you were done with school and that included rent or a mortgage, plus the money you got from selling your house in Orangeville?” My Dad asks, confused by my explanation.

“Exactly Adam doesn't know Jeremy and I were married he just thinks he was my best friend, and we have never talked about how much money we have in our banks, just about what we could afford in rent, and I let him tell me what he could afford and I just said a similar amount.” I will explain further. We reach the lakeshore, I get out of the truck and try to catch my breath, I can feel my anxiety creeping up over this entire thing. My mom grabs my hand and we walk over to a picnic table. Mom speaks up, “Honey, maybe this is a sign you need to tell him, what are you waiting for?”

“I’m afraid now it's almost been a year and I've never told Adam a thing about Jeremy and me, now I'm just gonna lay it all out there?” I say in a high pitched squeak.

“It’s up to you but eventually you need to tell him. He deserves to know and, in the meantime, find a job.”

“Easier said than done Mom, I applied at a bunch of places and haven’t heard anything yet,” I reply, “Just be patient, and if you don’t get a job then I guess you tell Adam about Jeremy and I’m sure he will understand,” Mom says.

“And if not, be glad it all happened before you moved in together, and you can afford that place on your own, so you still get the loft.” Says my Dad is so nonchalant.

“Dad!” I yell “Willie!” Yells my Mom at the same time.

“What? Am I not allowed to be honest?” He says in defense. I shake my head and laugh a little. Leave it to my Dad to be the one who just lays it all out there like that. We sit by the lakeshore for a little longer just watching the water, not really talking about anything. My dad starts to pace, mom and I exchange a look.

“Okay guys you can take me back to Adam’s now, I know Dad wants to get home and take a nap.”

My parents drop me back off at Adam’s, we hug bye and I walk into the house. Adam is sitting in the living room with the guys, I wave and head to his, well I guess our room. I grab my car keys and head back out to the living room.

“Hey, I’m gonna head back to the dorm and get the rest of my stuff,” I say.

“Do you want some help?” he asks.

“Nah it’s okay, I have a bit more to pack so it might be a while. You can help when I get back here with the boxes.” I replied. I wave bye to the guys and head back to my dorm. When I get up to my room, I grab my phone to put on music and notice Adam text me.

Adam: Everything okay?

Me: Yeah everything’s great, just want to be done with packing and moving. Let’s celebrate tonight, once I bring over my stuff, we can go out to the country bar.

Adam: Sure, Darlin See you later.

I finish packing all my clothes and bedding, load it in my car, then go back up to my room, all I have left to pack is my bathroom stuff and electronics. Before I packed up my computer I decided to go online and apply for more jobs. Anything bars, fast food, dance studios, other places I heard make good money, like Stage Masters and For Your Eyes Only. I pack up my electronics, bring them down to the car, on my way back up for my last trip of stuff and a last look around my dorm, my phone rings. It's a number I don't know.

“Hello,” I answer.

“Hi, is Molly there?”

“That’s me, who is this?” I ask. It's a male voice I don’t recognize.

“This is John Paul, calling from Stage Master’s. We've just received your resume. It says you dance. What type of dancing do you do?”

“Yes, I can dance in almost every genre there is,” I answer.

“Great, can you come here within the hour to audition?” John Paul asks.

“Of course, yes I’ll be there,” I answer, then hang up. I'm freaking out a bit, I text Adam Me: Hey I'm going to an interview will text you after Adam: That was fast, Good Luck Good thing I didn’t take my shower stuff down yet, I take a shower and make sure I’m cleaned up in all areas. I don’t have anything sexy to wear since all my clothes are packed, but good thing I wore a nice outfit today. I bring the rest of my belongings down with me, put them in my car and drive on over to Stage Masters. I walk in, ask for the manager John Paul, he comes out and looks at me up and down.

“I know it's short notice but we're looking for a dancer, you don't have to strip, but you'd be dancing with next to nothing on. Can you show me what moves you got?” John Paul asks.

“Sure, what kind of music plays while I dance?” I answer with a question.

“You choose as long as it's fun and entertaining, it's the afternoon lunchtime crowd.” He replies.

“OK, give me a second to find a song on my phone,” I say.

“Take your time when you're ready to go on the stage.” He says.

I decided to play Bang Bang by Jessie J. The music starts, and I just start dancing. I combine some of my hip hop moves with my contemporary moves and just add a lot of ass shaking and touching my body. The song ends. I look at John Paul, he says nothing about my number he simply asks if I could do it again to a different song. I grab my phone again and pick a different song. This time I picked one that's not normally in the club as a sex song, school's out for summer. It's a lot of moves from contemporary class with a lot of hair flips, head whips touching my body, rolling, crawling and humping the floor. The song ends, I stand up, John Paul comes on the stage and says.

“We pay $18 an hour, you keep any tips you make, you work 11 AM to 5 PM weekdays only, you get 2, 30 minute breaks to rest, I need your bra size and panty size, I'll buy you your outfits, but you launder them. You start Monday, don't be late.” John Paul walks away without my answer, I grab my phone, as a girl comes over to me, smiling.

“Hi, I'm Nancy, let's go do your paperwork.” She says.

We walk off the stage through the back, she quickly shows me backstage, where to get ready, where the lockers are, we head to an office which is even further backstage. Nancy hands me paperwork to fill out and offers me to sit down. I read through the contact, it’s very basic, 1-month probation, rate of pay, days and hours expected. There is a section on hygiene and grooming, and the basic legal aspect from the employer to employee. I sign it along with a few other government documents, I give her my sizes for the outfits they will provide.

“Nancy, I know this is very quick to ask but is there any way you can write me a letter of employment, at least to say I have been hired so I can hand it to my landlord?”

“Sure, nothing special, I’ll just write you have been hired and start on Monday, the expectation is you will work 5 days a week for 6 hrs a day at $18 an hour. Give me a second to print it off and then we will see you Monday, can you be here at 10 so we can get your music set up and you have time to change?” Nancy asks.

“Great thanks so much, I’ll be here,” I tell her. Nancy gives me the letter, I walk out to the car, I can’t believe I just got a job, and I can’t believe I am going to be working at a strip club. I text Adam.

Me: I got the job, are you at home?

While I wait for his reply, I also text my mom. She'll likely be mad, but whatever it's just for the summer.

Me: Hey I got a job at Stage Masters, as a dancer Monday to Friday 11 AM to 5 PM $18 an hour plus tips My mom is faster to reply than Adam is.

Mom: Awesome! Congrats! What's Stage Masters?

Me: Technically an adult club but I don't take off my clothes.

Mom: What’s Adam say about that?

Me: I'll tell you when I tell him tonight. Thanks for not freaking out about it! Love you Well she wasn't mad or at least she's hiding it well. I start my car and head towards Adam’s. If he’s not home, I’ll just unload the last of my stuff and start unpacking my clothes. As I’m driving my phone beeps. I just leave it until I stop at Adam’s, it was from him.

Adam: Congrats, now we have even more to celebrate tonight, I’m on my way home now, see you there.

I walk into our room with my hands full of boxes, as we are unloading the car, I am running to tell Adam where my job is. ‘I got hired at an adult club to dance, or a gentleman’s club’, no because women can come there too. ‘I will be dancing on stage, but I will keep my clothes on.’ No matter what way I say it, Adam will likely not approve. We finally got all the boxes into his room; I am looking to see where my clothes are so I can change for the bar. Adam walks into the room with a huge smile on his face. Oh god that’s going to disappear quickly when I tell him where I will be working.

“Why are you so happy I’m the one with a job?” I say.

“Not only one, I also got a job today.” He replies, “What? Really? How did that happen?” I ask.

“It’s nothing great, just at the corner store, I saw a sign in the window and asked about the hours inside, it’s a couple of days a week 12-6, they asked if I was interested and the guy behind the counter started asking me interview like questions and next thing I know I have the job, I start on Tuesday,” Adam says excitedly.

“That’s amazing I guess today is our lucky day, we get a loft and jobs all in the same day. What are the odds? We really need to celebrate tonight!” Now I’m even more excited.

“So, tell me where you’ll be working?” Adam asks. I take a deep breath and turn to look at my clothes again, so I don’t have to make eye contact as I tell him.

“Right, umm, a place called Stage Masters, it’s Monday through Friday 11am to 5 pm” The room is silent, but I can feel Adam’s eyes burning a hole in my back. I turn around slowly to look at him, yeah, he does not look impressed. He lets out the breath he was just holding, and in the sternest voice he has ever used with me he starts demanding.

“Absolutely NOT, no you are not working as a stripper, I will not have my girlfriend take her clothes off while disgusting men watch.”

“Adam it's not like that, I’m not stripping I will just be dancing on stage while people watch me. My clothes stay on, it’s the day shift during the week, no one will even be there anyways. Plus, I already signed my contract and got a letter of employment, so you don’t really get a say in this one.” The look I am getting right now, geez if looks could kill, I would be struck dead right now. Adam opens his mouth to say something but then closes it again and says nothing. I speak instead.

“Here Adam, come sit on the bed, I will show you what exactly I will be doing when I start on Monday.” Adam doesn’t move, he is just staring at me. I grab his hands and pull him towards the bed, he sits down and shakes his head with a very disapproving look still on his face. I grab my phone and play Mo Money Mo Problems; I start dancing just like I did at the club earlier.

“Fully dressed like this is perfect.” Adam gestures to my body. I pause the music, shut our door and take off my clothes so I am only in my bar and panties. I hit play and start dancing again. I can see Adam is trying hard not to smile as he says.

“So, I like MY show, but not sure how I feel about you doing this for other men 5 days a week.”

“Adam, I work the graveyard shift in this industry, the only people who will be there are the regular old drunks. Besides, we need the money for rent and the letter to get the loft. I tell ya what I will check it out Monday if it’s not what I think it will be I will quit.” I tell Adam. “Nope I still don’t agree to this” Adam replies.

I keep dancing, ignoring what he said, I move right in front of him, and lace my right foot over his right leg on the bed so I can turn my body. My butt is now right in his face and I start twerking. I drop my foot and whip my head and hair back around, so I am facing him again. I dip into a low squat and crawl up his body until I am straddling him. Kissing his neck up to his ear, I whisper “I don’t need you to agree or approve.” I trail kisses down his jaw to his lips, quickly before he can say anything. Adam pulls away from me.

“Molly,” he says in a serious voice. Staring him in the eyes with a big smile on my face. My arms wrapped around his neck.

“Adam” I say back in a sweet gentle voice. I continue to rock my hips on him ever so slowly while fluttering kisses on his neck.

“Please, Molly,” he begs. Between kisses, I tell Adam “You have nothing to worry about,” Cupping his face in both hands.

“Every night I will come home to you, to this.” I start to kiss him again, pushing him back on the bed. Adam falls back with his hands behind his head.

I undo his belt, lean down, kiss his chest, slide off his lap while I make my way down to his waist. I undo his jeans, releasing the growth from his pants. I blow his mind by circling my tongue around the tip of his hard member because I know how it drives him crazy. Hopefully we will get over this whole job thing. Adam finishes, I stand up, change my clothes, fix my hair and make up, all while Adam is still just lying there.

“Get up and get ready, we’re going out for dinner and to party. I’m going to invite your roommates, Lace and the girls. We have loads to celebrate.” I told him. Adam props himself up and just looks at me with a smile.

“Just like that eh?” He asks. I walk over and kiss him, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into bed, he won’t let me go. I try to squirm out of his embrace as I yell, “You better not mess up my hair.”

“I love you, you know that right? I love you and I don’t want to share you.” He tells me, his voice quiet still pleading with me. But I keep it light and easy, it’s not a big deal, I remind him. “Nobody is sharing anybody, now get ready.” I pop out of his bed and run out of the room before he can stop me. I am hungry and ready to celebrate. I walk into the living room where most of the roommates are hanging out.

“Get dressed boys, we are going out. Adam and I are celebrating, and we need a posy.” I holler excitedly. The guys just look at me like I’m crazy, which I am most of the time, so I’m not offended. I clap my hands to try and get them to move, but it doesn’t seem to work.

“Come on guys, school's out, Adam and I got a new place to live and new jobs so let’s party.” They still don’t move. I shake my head, just then Adam comes in and says, “Let’s go, we’re going country, we’ll grab some wings at the bar and party, Molly’s calling the girls to meet us there, get your asses in gear.”

Group msg from me: Bitches be Country! This girl got a job and a new crib, let’s get rowdy!

A few girls message me back saying they are in and will meet us there. We head to the country bar for the night, everyone is drinking, having fun, dancing. Adam is actually line dancing with me to some of the songs. I take a break head back to our tables to talk to Lacey who can not believe I took a job at Stage Masters but is happy for us about the loft.

“You know Molly you’re going to have to tell Adam about Jeremy before summer is over because he’s going to wonder where you get all your money when we’re in school.” Lacey reminds me.

“I know and I will when the time is right,” I tell her.

“You’ve been saying that for almost a year.” She shoots back at me. As Lacey and I are deep in conversation, Adam comes over and grabs my hand, telling Lacey, “Excuse us, we're going to dance.” Not paying attention we walk onto the dance floor. Aww couples are slow dancing, is this a thing still? Adam spins me into his arms and starts swaying and turning. How cute are we? He then softly starts singing in my ear.

“Are you gonna kiss me or not, are we gonna do this or what? I think you know I love you a lot. . .”Adam continues to sing and the tears start rolling down my face. I keep dancing with him, but I’m not sure I am still breathing, out of all the songs in the world, why this one? Why is this our first real dance? Why here? Why now? The song ends but I don’t let go of him. “Hold me for another minute” I say, desperate for him not to see my tears. I am gripping him hard as the next song starts, I wonder if this was a sign, I need to tell him then I realize the song playing was another one of mine and Jeremy’s song. I whisper in his ear.

“Adam, I think we should go talk, I need to tell you something, can we leave and go sit somewhere a little quieter.”

Adam looks at me and I think he could tell whatever it is, it is serious. He looks worried, I can see Lacey from where we are. I shoot her a peace sign, I'm sure she knows why. As we walk out of the bar my phone buzzes.

Lacey: You can do this, he loves you, and he will understand. I'm around if you need me, love you XOXO

I put my phone away and looked at Adam, yeah, he read that. Adam stops, looks at me and says, “I’m not sure I want to know now, we're in so deep why now? When? Why? I thought, I thought.”

“Adam stop I didn't, I would never do that to you, it's not what you think,” I told him. We walk down the street; I keep breathing deeply. 5 things I see, 4 things I hear, 3 things I feel, 2 things I can smell, one thing I can taste. I start crying again as we walk side by side but not holding hands.

“Adam, can we stop? I can't breathe.” I ask him. He stops walking and sits on a flower bed, I stand in front of him staring at the ground, he says nothing, but I'm balling, the tears won’t stop. I can't control them now, there's just a steady stream down my cheek.

“It just doesn't make any sense. What are you trying to tell me? Why tonight? Why not when we are alone in the car or in my room?” I say out loud but I’m not talking to Adam.

“Molly, who are you talking to? I'm not trying to tell you anything. I don't know what's going on with you suddenly, but I do know that I love you and I just wanted to dance with you. It's just a dumb song, it doesn't mean anything.” Adam says to me confused. I can't believe he just said that, is he joking? I am fuming mad.

“A dumb song. It doesn't mean anything? Are you serious right now? Maybe to you, but to me it means everything. Who are you to judge that song if you don't know shit.” I rudely reply through my sobs.

“Wow Molly, calm down what the hell is going on?” He asks again.

“I should have told you so long ago. then maybe everyone will leave me alone,” I'm mumbling to myself, not really talking to Adam.

“Calm down, don't tell me to calm down. I'm calm, cool as a cucumber in fact.” I’m far from calm actually.

“You want me to calm down.” I'm pacing back and forth, I whip back around.

“Did Lacey ask you to sing it to me just like Jeremy used to? Slow dance with me, sing in my ear? Just recreate exactly how Jeremy and I would dance?” I don't even wait for Adam to respond I just keep on talking.

“You want to know what’s wrong, here it is Adam. Jeremy used to dance with me like that. That dumb song so you say was our song. He would sing it to me driving in the car, we would dance in our kitchen to it. Do you want to know why I never want to talk about Jeremy? It's because he wasn't just my best friend, he was my husband. Do you understand? MY HUSBAND!” I scream.

“My everything and he died, he wasn’t supposed to leave me so soon. I loved him and that was our song, our wedding song in fact. The song is not dumb to me, it means more to me than you. So be mad, leave me do whatever you need to do but don't ever call that song dumb and don't you dare try to be him because you're not, you never will be." I am still yelling and crying.

I can't even think straight. I'm so mad and sad and frustrated. Oh my God I can't breathe. What did I just do and say? I look at Adam, he is staring at me, but not at me through me. Perfect, I just screwed up one of the best things in my life since Jeremy. I can’t be here right now. This isn't his fault or his problem. I can't remember what just happened, but I must go. I step away from Adam shaking my head as I say.

“I can't do this, I'm sorry, I can't I . . . I . . . have to go.”

I turn to walk away, I hope he stops me, I take a few steps and look back, but Adam is a statue. I keep walking, I’m crying so hard I can't breathe. I start to hyperventilate, stop walking and grab my phone to call my mom.

“Are you okay it's late?” She asks as she picks up. Through muffled tears I speak.

“Mom, Mom, I messed up, you were right, I should have told him.”

“Oh, Molly it's okay just breathe, take deep breaths honey, I'm sure it's fine, where are you?” Mom asks.

“On a bench somewhere. Mom, I just want to come home.” I tell her.

“Oh, sweetie I know but you can't run away. Did you explain it all?” She wonders. Crying even harder now. I barely make a sentence. I look back to where Adam was, and he's gone.

“Mom I yelled and then just blurted it out. I was mean, and I can't even remember what I said. But I’m pretty sure I told him he could never be Jeremy but in a way that sounded like I didn't want to be with him." Mom’s voice is gentle as she talks, “Tell me where you are, I'll get an Uber to take you to a hotel for the night. Where is Lacey? Can she join you?” Through hiccupped breath, I tell her, “Still at the bar, I don't know. What did I do?” Mom answers still in her gentle tone, “Nothing honey, Adam just needs to process, it will be OK I promise now, where are you?” I walk to the corner and read the street sign to my mom. My phone is beeping in my ear, I look and tell Mom, “Mom Lacey is calling I gotta go.” Before I hang up she says, “Get her to go with you. I'll call you an Uber and book you a room. I love you, call me tomorrow.” I switch over to Lacey’s call. I don’t say anything, Lacey starts talking immediately.

“Hey, are you okay Adam is back alone so I figured I should call”

“I’m waiting for an Uber and am going to a hotel for the night. Will you come with me?” I ask her.

“Yeah, where are you? I'll start walking.” She replies.

“Across the street to the right and at the next intersection,” I explain.

Lacey gets here before the Uber and I just start crying again. She says nothing and just hugs me. The uber arrives and takes us to a hotel, I check in, my mom has taken care of everything. I try to keep it together until we reach the room, I open the door, walk right to the bed, crawl in and start to cry again. Lacey lays with me in bed. She doesn't talk, she just lies here. Through my sobs I try to ask.

“Lace did Adam say anything when he came back to the bar.”

“Not to me. He walked over to where the guys were.” She tells me.

“How did he look?” I ask as I need to know.

“Shocked and confused I would say. The boys ordered shots, Adam toasted towards me and that's when I called you.” She explained it to me. And I begin to tell her a bit about what happened.“Yeah it didn't go well. I can't even remember exactly what happened, but I wasn't nice, and I just blurted it out, what am I going to do now? He didn’t say anything, he just stood there like a statue and then I ran away.”

“He loves you, let him get drunk tonight and you guys can talk about it tomorrow,” Lacey reassures me. The tears well up in my eyes again as I say, “If he will even talk to me, I just wanna go to sleep. Sorry I ruined your night.”

“You didn't, this is what friends are for, sleep tight Molly.”

I lay here trying to figure out what to say to Adam in the morning. I open my eyes, they are sore from crying all night, I look at the clock, it's 9 AM. Lacey’s still sleeping, I check my phone for no new messages which means Adam is still processing or sleeping or doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I need to figure out how to get clean clothes for today. I go down for breakfast and ate at the hotel restaurant trying to remember what I said last night. I’m 98% sure I told him a song means more to me than he does, which isn't true I was just upset. I grab a plate of food to bring Lacey, when I get back to the room Lacey's awake.

“Morning,” I say as I hand Lacey her plate.

“Morning, thanks, how are you holding up this morning? Ready to go talk to Adam?” She asks me.

“I was thinking I would just lay low today, mind if I sleep at your place tonight? Maybe we can stop and get my car? I have to work tomorrow.” I tell her.

“Whatever you want Molly, but you need to talk to him.” Lacey sounds pretty serious. I look at her defeated and say, “I know just not today. I was really mean to him Lacey, like not just yelling and blurting out my past but I told him he could never be Jeremy and not to try. I'm pretty sure I also told him to leave me. What if he listens?” Lacey eats her breakfast and shakes her head.

“Adam is head over heels in love with you, you just need to talk to him." I nod, still not sure I am ready for that yet. While Lacey finished her food I texted my mom Me: Morning, thanks for last night, I love you so much, sorry I called so late. Just laying low today I'll keep you posted on everything.

I collect my things and realize I don't have my car keys or my purse. I'm so emotional I start to cry again.

“Molly, it'll be OK Adam will understand once you explain everything.” Lacey tries to assure me. But I don’t want to hear it, I just want to get to the house and be done with it. I say, “Can we go? I actually need to go in the house for my keys and some of my stuff. Maybe I'll go alone and I'll just text you later.”

“If you want, sure.” Replies Lacey.

I call us both in an Uber and head to the lobby. I don't want to put anyone out for the week so when I checkout, I ask to extend my stay in the same room for the next 2 days. This way I can get a good sleep before work and a good breakfast. The Ubers arrive, Lacey hugs me goodbye and we leave.

I pull up to the house, I take a deep breath, pay then walk up to the front door. I quietly sneak into the house and into Adam's room, grab my keys and purse. I look over at Adam, he is still asleep, so peacefully. I stare for a minute; I really hope I didn't ruin his life. I grab a few outfits, jam mies and my nicer bras and panties, as I zip up my bag, Adam starts to stir in bed. I freeze like a statue. I put my bag by the door and went grab my bathroom stuff as I walked back in the room. Adam is awake, frozen in my tracks. I say nothing. I shake my head then put my stuff in the bag very quietly. Adam speaks though, making my jump a little.

“Where are you going? Where were you last night?” I can't look at him, quietly I answer, “A hotel, sorry I woke you; I just needed a few things. sorry I'll uhh.” I pick up my stuff, walk out of the bedroom door, I don't know what I expect. He did nothing wrong, but I want him to chase me, stop me, but he doesn't. I get my shoes on and take my stuff out to the car. When I get to the car, I can't hold it in anymore and I start crying. Now I need to get out of here, I head back to the hotel, once in my room I drop my things, crawl into bed and just lay there crying. My phone beeps.

Lacey: Hey you make out OK you coming over?

I'm not replying. I turn on music and start practicing for work. After an hour, I decided to go to the hotel gym. I leave my phone so I can focus and burn some emotions. Feeling a bit better I return to my hotel room, have a shower, change into some jammies, and decide to text Lacey back. I grab my phone and 6 new messages.

Lacey: Hello are you okay? If you don't reply soon, I'll report you missing. Now Adam just called me you should call him Mom: Just checking in love you XOXO

Adam: Hi I think we should talk about last night. Can I call you? Hello? Why won’t you talk to me? Please just text me back so I know you're safe. I’m getting worried now, Lacey doesn’t even know where you are. At least tell someone where you are.

I don't know who to answer or what to say to any of them, especially Adam.

Me: Hey Lacey, I’m back at the hotel, booked the room for the next 2 days. No offense, I need to be alone.

Me: Mom I'm fine or at least I'm okay, love you too. I’ll be at the hotel for the next 2 days.

Now Adam I have no idea what to say to him. I obviously must explain but how? What if he hates me or doesn't accept what I have to say. I'm going to leave it alone for now. I crawl into bed and turn on the TV. I start watching a movie. Halfway through the movie there is a knock on my door. Who could that be? I didn’t order room service and have a do not disturb on the door. Maybe my Momma came to be with me. I jump out of bed and open the door a bit excited for it to possibly be my Mom. It’s Adam. I just stand here in the doorway shocked he is here.

“How’d you know where to find me?” I ask.

“Lacey called me and told me because you wouldn't text me back. Then I called your Mom to see if she knew your room number. You listened to me and told everyone else where you are, but you won’t tell the one person who needs to talk to you.” He replies, his voice is edgy, a little shaky too. I look him up and down quickly, his eyes are red, his hair a mess, he’s in sweatpants and a t-shirt, and he looks the same as me. I answer him with the truth, “Sorry, I didn’t think I could face you.”

“Well here I am.” He gestures to himself.

“I can see that, now what?” I ask, unsure what exactly he wants from me.

“Well you can let me in, we can maybe talk about last night?” he suggests.

I move to the side, Adam walks in, I follow him. He's standing in the room; I crawl up to the top of the bed, my back is against the wall. I pull my knees to my chest and hold my feet and stare at Adam.

“Are you going to sit down?” I ask him. Adam walks over to the chair, sits down and faces me, he says nothing, we sit here, it feels like forever. I guess I'm the one who should be talking, so I do.

“I'm sorry for the way I told you about Jeremy, I don't want what happened to define me. I don't want to be the poor widow, I want to just be me”

“I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I was really shocked last night but I don't want you to avoid me or move out or leave. I want to know what happened but feel like I don't have a right to ask. So I'm here asking you to stay with me, I'm here asking you to trust me, believe in us, to stay with you while you deal with whatever it is that happened. To listen when you want to talk, to hold you when you cry. I should have gone after you but I needed to process what you said.” Adam moves from the chair to the end of the bed.

“I love you and whatever your past is I realized when I saw you this morning that even though you kept a huge secret from me, I love you. I also realized it's not just something you blurt out for no reason. But today thinking you might not want to come back made me realize one final thing. I can't live without you so whether we get married or just grow old together, I want to spend forever or as long as life gives us together. I don't want to replace Jeremy, or be what he was to you. I want to create something new.” I don't know what to say to this incredible man in front of me. I open my mouth and just let the words come out and try not to overthink it at all.

“When I was 19, I met Jeremy, he was friends with my sister's husband. We started hanging out as friends the more I got to know him the more I fell in love. He was quiet, shy, kind, funny, and also had these soul piercing eyes, like you. My sister used to always say he never talked but when I was around he never shut up. We dated for 2 years, then he proposed, a year later we got married, we had our entire lives ahead of us. We had plans to go see the world before settling down. A year after we got married he got sick. We decided to make the most of it. Jeremy wanted to make the best of a terrible hand we were dealt, where I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real. We traveled, fished, and went to see the Steelers play in Pittsburgh. I wanted him to live out his dreams. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, the doctors gave him 6 months to live. I thought for a long time he'll get better, he has to, we haven’t had enough time, we need more time, but that never happened. As we approached the end, Jeremy got slower until finally he couldn't get up anymore. That was the worst part, watching him go from this amazing free spirit to not being able to get out of bed. But at the same time, those days were when we had our best conversations. They weren't always long winded but they were sincere. We lived in a bungalow and transformed our bedroom so he was able to be in his own room and I could sleep in the same room as him. I'll never forget it,” The tears are a steady stream down my face now.

“He looked at me, his eyes piercing my soul, I could feel his love for me, his longing to stay with me forever, but I could also see the pain in his eyes, the pain of not wanting to leave me, not wanting to say goodbye, the pain of knowing it was time. I climbed into his bed, we told each other we loved one another. We always had and always will, we kissed, I told him it's OK it’s time to let go. But he held me closer, we lay there in silence as I listened to his breathing become slower until it finally stopped. The sound of the machines as they flatlined, I don't know how long it made noise, I just lay there in Jeremy’s arms crying, wishing it wasn't real, hoping I'd wake up from a bad dream. But it wasn’t a bad dream. My life felt like it too was over. Maybe I’m selfish but I just kept thinking who am I going to talk to, who am I going to cook for, what am I supposed to do now?”

I can't bring myself to look Adam in the face. I continue to hold on to my feet and staring at the bed crying, Adam climbs up to the top of the bed, sits beside me, wraps his arms around me saying nothing. Holding me while I sob, I ask Adam.

“Do you remember the night you walked me home and I cried the entire time?”

“Yeah, that was the night you tripped and fell right into my arms.” He answers. I explain to him, “The way you looked at me that night, your eyes pierced my soul like Jeremy's used to. It's happened a few times since we started hanging out and dating.”

“So I do remind you of Jeremy. Is this why you didn’t want to tell me?” He wonders, “I don’t know, kind of. And I wasn’t ready I guess. Plus I didn’t want you to look at me differently.” I divulge.

“I guess that makes sense. I’m glad you told me, I’m sorry for how it all came out, but I feel better. I know the truth and all your emotional breakdowns make more sense.” Adam says. Still not looking at Adam I have to ask.

“Do you look at me differently now?” Adam slides his hands on my cheeks forcing me to come face to face with him while he tells me.

“The only thing it changes is how much braver I think you are. It obviously was not an easy life experience, but you’re still you and I love you more now because you were honest with me.”

“Thank you” I lean my head in a little closer, Adam closes the gap with a gentle kiss. I finally make eye contact. I can feel my love for him coursing through my veins.

“For as long as life will let us, I want to be with you. I love you Adam.”

“Ditto, I love you, Molly.”