Chapter 67: Chapter Thirty-Two Part One - Azadou
Watching over Orenda as she sleeps, my mind replays all our discussions from the day. I find it almost impossible to comprehend that the same being whose darkness and hatred brought about my creation could create someone like Orenda, who has boundless compassion and understanding.
Despite all I have done, she holds no hatred in her heart for me and even seems to understand me better than I understand myself. She will never forgive the horrors Invidia forced upon her, yet she meant it when she said she doesn’t wish ill on her. I didn’t sense a shred of malice inside her, and I have to admit it feels so…peaceful.
I now understand why Zarseti said Orenda was meant to be the peace I yearned for. Zarseti made it clear that she never decides who belongs together. She is gifted with the ability to see which beings the universe made to be a perfect fit. She then creates a bond and gives them the power to decide what to do with it. The universe made Orenda my other half, not the Gods. She is the yang to my yin by every definition. She is warm like the sun and filled with light, but there is an aggression inside her that never seems to take her over. She embraces the natural darkness inside her, but never lets it consume her. Whereas I am cold and dark, and until recently, that’s all I was. Now she has brought a ray of light into my blackened being and opened up instincts and desires I never deigned to dream of. I feel at peace being near Orenda, and though it comes with a harsh price of being reminded of the horrific things I have done, it’s worth it.
Slowly, I reach out and place my hand on her belly, feeling the baby’s energy radiating from inside her and growing stronger by the day. I believe Orenda when she says there is no malice within our child. As fearful as I am, I would have felt it. But it doesn’t change the fact that this child will soon enter a world marred by the malice I forced it to unleash. I don’t want that to be the legacy my child comes into. I want them to have something better than I ever did, and there’s only one way to do that.
It's a little after two in the morning when I hear the sound of Ayawamat landing in the yard. I feel relieved to hear his return, knowing it will calm and please Orenda when she wakes and finds him safely home. I quietly get up and go downstairs, stepping into the living room just as Ayawamat walks in from the patio.
“She was worried about you,” I state passively.
Ayawamat looks up at me, his features tired and worn out, but what concerns me more is the putrid stench of malice rolling off him. I don’t have to read his mind to know just how much he hungers to hurt his own animai, and unlike me, his desire is more than justifiable.
“You her errand boy now?” he mocks, walking over to the bar area. He looks around, his brows furrowed in frustration. “Where the fuck is all the booze?”
“I sent it away.”
With exaggerated slowness, he turns, his eyes glaring at me like a vicious animal that has been poked one too many times. “What did you say?” he demands in a low voice.
“You heard me. I was certain you’d go for it once you returned, so I removed it,” I explain nonchalantly.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?! What gives you the fucking right to come into my house and just do whatever the fuck you want with my shit?” he bellows.
I raise my eyebrow at Ayawamat’s dramatic display of indignation. The jubilant persona I once observed has been buried by a tortured man, and it’s a form of torture I am all too familiar with.
“It’s addictive, isn’t it?”
“What?” he sputters, confused by my sudden question.
“The anger and hatred you’re feeling.” I slowly walk over to him. “It hurts at first, even makes you feel sick to your stomach, but after a while it starts to feel comforting. It takes you over and suddenly all the pain, all the fear and all the worries and doubts you have become a distant memory.”
“You don’t fucking know me,” he spits acerbically.
“But I know what you’re feeling right now, better than anyone.” I place my hands on his shoulders and stare into his eyes. “Listen to me when I tell you, it will turn your heart cold if you let it. People are more than capable of being consumed by their malice without interference from me. You’re a good man, Ayawamat. Don’t let this destroy you; you’re better than this,” I implore him.
He gulps, his eyes brimming with tears. “I’m just…so angry,” he chokes out.
I nod solemnly. There aren’t many emotions I understand or relate to, but this one I do. This one is the demon on my back that won’t let me be.
“I get it. Fretez may have sealed me away and frozen me in time, but there was still…an awareness. A faint awareness of where I was. I spent thousands of years in a prison, marinating in the dark emotions that made me, surrounded by the tortured souls of those whose malice took them over. I know how it feels to be consumed by that darkness, and I know how hard it is to resist, but you can. If Orenda can, then so can you.”
He shakes his head sullenly. “She’s always been stronger than me.”
“I’m starting to realise everyone has different strengths, and strength isn’t something that is easily measured. I thought I was strong and indestructible until I realised I wasn’t. You’re stronger than you realise,” I assure him, patting his shoulders.
With a sniff, he wipes his eyes. “What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can’t just let that bitch get away with this. She needs to be punished, and I need whatever bond there is between us to be erased. And I don’t want to hear you or Orenda talking to me about the dangers of rejection. I know plenty of people who have rejected their animais for perfectly legitimate reasons and their lives were better for it,” he argues.
I hold my hands up in surrender. “I wasn’t going to talk you out of it. For what she did to Orenda and my unborn child, I want her to suffer unimaginable pain and knowing how agonising rejection feels, I am all for you inflicting that kind of pain upon her.” I shrug. I might be on the path to redemption, but I’m still the God of Malice, and if anyone is deserving of my wrath, it is the one who would harm my child.
Ayawamat looks taken aback for a moment but then nods, seeming soothed by my response. “Good, I’m glad you agree.”
“You have all the time in the world to find her and reject her, and I’ll even help you to do it, but your chance to enjoy your sister’s return and be present as you become an Uncle is fleeting. And while I have much to learn, I have the feeling you and Orenda would both regret if you weren’t around for this.”
His chest inflates as he takes in a deep breath and then slowly exhales. He scrubs his hands down his face as if he can scrub away the exhaustion of the past month or the pain of Orenda’s revelation.
“I hate to say it, but you’re right,” he sighs. “I missed Orenda so much and now I have her back and instead of being with her I’m losing time with her because of the same bitch who took her away in the first place,” he points out, disappointed with himself. “I want to be here for her and the baby. The serpent bitch can wait, my sister needs me more,” he states firmly.
I chuckle at his disdainful nickname. “I’m glad to hear it. Since you’ve said that, I’m hoping you can watch over her for a bit. There’s something I have to go and do.”
His brow quirks as he looks at me questioningly. “What could you possibly have to go and do? Last I checked, you have no life and no friends.”