Chapter 64: Chapter Thirty Part Three - Orenda

“Excuse me?” I sputter. “It’s asinine not to want to argue?”

“As I recall, you were often the one launching into an argument like an enraged bull,” he retorts reminiscently.

“An argument requires two participants,” I counter irritably. “I was not arguing, I was straight up yelling at you out of frustration because you refused to give me the time of day and were so infuriatingly obstinate and insensitive!” I snap indignantly.

“And I found your steely confidence, feisty demeanour and quick tongue to be maddeningly intoxicating,” he casually replies.

I sit back abruptly, my mouth gaping like a fish, and my face flushing as I’m rendered speechless.

Did he really just say that? Wait, was that…is he FLIRTING with me?!

Trying to shake that ridiculous notion away, the steel trap that is my mind – always refusing to let me forget the things I would prefer not to remember – decides to make me hyper aware of the fact that most – if not all – of our altercations led to something physical between us…

For the love of everything holy, are we turned on by fighting like cats and dogs? Was my baby conceived through angry sex?! I’m mortified by the avalanche of thoughts cascading through my mind, yet they keep on going.

“That doesn’t…I mean, you can’t just…” I try to clap back, but all I can manage are broken sentences. I see Azadou fighting back a smirk that only makes me more flustered. “Stop trying to distract me,” I huff, crossing my arms over my chest. “This was about you thinking it’s asinine not to want to argue.”

“No, it was the statement I found asinine, not the reason behind it,” he disputes. “I’m trying to understand why you would ever accept even a fraction of the blame for my actions, and instead of helping me understand, you’re making a ridiculous statement that leaves us at a stalemate,” he points out frustratedly.

My arms go lax, and my eyes almost fall out of my head when I come to the shocking realisation that he’s right. I had just said I was in the wrong for not taking the time to explain things to him, and here he was, openly admitting to not understanding something and instead of explaining it, I shut the whole thing down.

Holy shit…What I said WAS asinine.

Agreeing to disagree is just a lazy way to end a conflict, but without the benefit of a resolution. I may as well have said I’d rather be right than find a compromise. Have I always been this stubborn, or does Azadou just bring it out in me? Once Aya and I sort things out I will ask him.

“You’re right…I’m sorry,” I breathe out, feeling contrite.

“You…really?” he mumbles, looking caught off guard.

I nod slowly. “I tried to kill the conversation instead of finding a compromise or explaining my feelings. I’m sorry,” I humbly apologise.

He quirks his eyebrow suspiciously. “Just like that?”

“You explained why you said what you said, and your explanation made me realise that I was wrong, so I’m apologising,” I articulate for him.

“I can’t believe Jartre was right…” he whispers incredulously to himself, looking off in thought.

“Right about what?” I ask curiously.

He shakes his head, turning his attention back to me. “Nothing. Forget about it. I’d like you to explain why you’re taking on blame for my actions,” he insists.

Forget that he just said the person he despises was right? Yeah, that’s not going to happen, but I’ll save that for another day.

“I didn’t say I take the blame for all of it, I’m not insane,” I clarify. “No one is responsible for your actions but you,” I state firmly. “But there were times before things reached breaking point where I could have demonstrated patience or tried to assuage your feelings by offering you answers or even asking the right questions, and I didn’t. I didn’t make you do the unspeakable things you did, but I didn’t do a very good job at showing support and compassion. I said I wanted to be the person in your corner, but I seemed to be better at demonstrating that to others instead of to the person who needed it the most,” I explain remorsefully.

“What do you mean you demonstrated it to others?” he presses apprehensively.

“Whenever someone tried to tell me to reject you or not to give you a chance, I stood up for you,” I apprise him. “Actually, I would get incensed when people would say that. I was angry that they weren’t willing to give you a chance and were so insistent that I rip my essram to pieces based on their biased opinions.”

“You put your faith in me, and I destroyed it,” he opines solemnly.

I watch with sympathetic eyes as his entire demeanour crumbles under the weight of his guilt. I can’t forget the lives he took… but I don’t know how to hate him when I see him so broken and remorseful of his actions. We have all been able to forgive Jartre’s destruction when he has been lost to his emotions; is it fair to deny Azadou the same grace when he genuinely wants to make amends? Azadou has been lost since the day he was made; only now is he starting to find himself, and I want that for him. I’d like this baby to grow up knowing him as the man he wants to be instead of the monster he was created as.

“If we never gave people the chance to right their wrongs, this would be a very bitter world to live in,” I console with a gentle smile.

His eyes desperately search mine. “You’d give me the chance to make things right?”

I gently nod. “I don’t want to stop believing that people can be redeemed. After what happened with you and then Invidia…” The tears prick my eyes once more, and it takes a moment for me to fight them back. “It felt like all the beliefs I held in my heart were shattered. I want to have hope again. I…need to believe something good can come from all this suffering, otherwise I’m just left with pointless pain, and I can’t handle that,” I express, my voice trembling as I fight back the tears.

Azadou appears to fight with himself, then reaches out and clasps my hand between his, surprising me. My heart and essram ache at the memory of how his touch used to feel, but still there is comfort in feeling my hand between his.

“Orenda, I am so, so sorry that I caused you to lose such a big part of yourself. I will never forgive myself,” he laments, his voice dripping with anguish. “But some good did come from this. That life growing inside you is living proof that good can still take root even when evil has you in its clutches.”

I look down at my belly, Azadou’s impassioned words echoing in my mind. I focus on the restored connection between me and the baby, smiling in comfort and relief as I rub my hand over my bump. This little life inside me has given me purpose, hope and strength when I needed it, acting as the light in my darkness from the start. Azadou is right, our baby is living proof that my suffering wasn’t for nothing.

“This baby is the first good thing I have ever done,” he declares, his eyes filled with emotion as he stares at my belly. “All I ever do is destroy everything I touch. I never thought I could do something good, let alone create life.” He glances up at me, his eyes swimming with gratitude. “Thank you. Thank you for being strong enough to carry this baby and for loving them as much as you do.”

We’re both fighting back tears. I can’t help but feel like this baby, before it has even come into the world, might have managed to save us both. I take Azadou’s hand, placing it over my belly, and immediately I feel a strong jab inside my belly.

Azadou’s eyes become wide with awe and wonder as he looks from me to my belly and back. “Did it…”

I chuckle, nodding excitedly. “That’s the first time I’ve felt it kick,” I say excitedly.

“Wow…” he breathes out shakily. He leans closer and places both hands on my belly. “You and your mother are so strong. So much stronger than I could ever be. I promise to do everything I can to become someone you can be proud of,” he vows to the baby.

My heart almost beats out of my chest, but I guess I’m not the only one affected by his words because they prompt another kick from the baby. This one is a little more uncomfortable, but I don’t care. I’m experiencing a moment I never thought possible; I’ll take all the discomfort just to be able to live in this moment.

“I think the baby really likes you,” I muse warmly.

“Now I’m concerned that they’re not a very good judge of character,” he speculates dryly.

I roll my eyes, but the smile never leaves my face.

We stay like this for what feels like hours, Azadou holding my belly and speaking to the baby about anything that comes to his mind as I quietly listen. Surprisingly, this makes me feel more relaxed than I have in weeks. However, there is one pressing issue that won’t let me rest.

“Azadou?” I say, interrupting his monologue to the baby.

He looks at me. “I’m sorry, should I stop?” he frets, preparing to move his hands away.

I shake my head and hold them in place. “No, no. You’re fine. It’s something else.” I look at him wearily, causing his brows to set into a deep V. “There’s something about Invidia that I have to tell Aya…something that will devastate him.”