Chapter 21: Surprise In The Palm Of His Hand

He saw Asher’s eyes move down to his lips, then back to his eyes.

Cailen didn’t know what was happening anymore as he saw Asher’s adam’s apple move as if he was swallowing something.

Time seemed to stop when he suddenly felt the tip of Asher’s nose against his. He didn’t even know who moved and he can’t really hear anything anymore other than the pulse in his ears.

Cailen felt like he couldn't breath again, and not only because Asher might be squishing him, not that he actually minded that, but because of this feeling inside him.

It took his breath away, making his stomach flutter and his heart skip and…

What was he doing?

This was Asher.

He shouldn't be feeling this when he looks at Asher.

Asher was his friend, has been since he was thirteen. He shouldn't get that kind of reaction from him.

It was one thing to think he was fit when he took his shirt off. Who wouldn't?

But this was different.

This feeling was more than just physical attraction. It was more than muscles and tanned skin.

He wasn't sure what to call it exactly, but he knew it wasn't something he should be allowing at all.

"What, did you break him, Ash?" Noah's voice brought Cailen back to the water, to the sand and the moon shining above and out of Asher's brown eyes staring right back at him.

Cailen shook his head, looking over Asher's shoulder where Noah and William stood watching them.

"Sorry," Asher mumbled and picked himself off Cailen and stood, holding out a hand to help him to his feet.

Cailen took it, standing and dusting himself off even though he was soaked and he couldn't really 'dust' anything. Really, he just needed an excuse to not look at Asher so he could get himself under control.

"Sorry," Asher repeated.

"S'okay, my fault really," Cailen assured, clearing his throat.

He felt weird, his heart wouldn't calm down and his mind couldn't form much more to say without the words getting scrambled.

He was nervous, he realized. Had Asher seen what Cailen felt? Did Cailen's expression give him away?

"I'm just gonna- Um, I'm gonna go sit with Matt," Cailen managed as he backed away.

He didn't know if Asher noticed or not but he knew he would notice eventually if Cailen couldn't get himself under control and that just wasn't gonna happen with Asher around.

Asher nodded, seeming confused himself, probably because Cailen wasn't acting as normal as he would like to think he was and was basically fleeing the scene.

Matthew didn't question him when he sat down beside him. Instead, he handed him a beer and left Cailen to his thoughts. It wasn't surprising. Matthew wasn't the type to pry.

Matthew thought if there was something someone wanted to tell him, they would. He didn't think prying was very nice, bless him. Cailen wasn't sure if he could explain himself anyway.

He wasn't sure of what happened there or if anything had happened there. It had happened so fast, maybe he imagined it?

It's quite possible, though Cailen knew deep down he hadn't imagined it.

He knew deep down exactly what it was that he felt and it scared him.

There was no way he could fall for Asher.

Asher was one of his best friends... one of his only true friends.

How could he even consider him like that? Why couldn't he be a normal boy? Why did he have to be attracted to boys?

This always happened. He'd make a good friend and then he'd develop feelings for them and it'd mess everything up.

It was horrible.

Only this time it was worse.

Asher was one of his oldest friends. He was William's best friend. Eden was practically like a second mother to him.

He couldn't do this with Asher. It'd screw everything up even more and then everyone would find out what he was and who knew what would happen then.

He refused to let himself feel this way, not with Asher. He couldn't do this to Asher. It wasn't fair to put him through this.

Cailen would just have to get himself under control. He would have to learn to control this, for everyone's sake.

The rest of the boys eventually made their way out of the water, coming to join Cailen and Matthew on the towels and cracking open another beer each.

Asher took a seat beside Cailen and he was afraid it'd be awkward, he was afraid Asher might have already figured it out but it didn't appear as though he did. He seemed back to normal, forgetting about what happened earlier and just talked with the boys like he would any other time.

The boys joked around and laughed, making it easier for him to forget as well and just get back to normal but he still couldn't help looking at Asher differently now.

If Cailen thought about it, he really wasn't looking at him that differently. If he was honest with himself, he supposed he always looked at Asher a bit differently than the rest of the boys.

He always found the way Asher's eyes would crinkle at the corners when he smiled adorable. He's always loved the way Asher would frown when he didn't get a joke because he was too nice or innocent to think that way. He always found it intriguing when Asher would start in on a lecture on whatever topic was being discussed.

He's always thought his laugh was something he could listen to all day and he knows he's always worked a little harder to make him laugh just so he could hear it more.

He knows all this, he's just never realized it before and never realized what it meant.

But he knew now, boy did he know now and he knew it had to stop.

He knew he couldn't have what he wanted, he's known this for a while. He knew one day he would most likely meet someone he loved and couldn't have. He just hadn't realized he had already met him.

But now he knew, so he could stop himself before it got worse and ruin everything.

*****

Eventually, the boys piled back into the truck.

Cailen's clothes are still a little damp but dried by the time they got home from all the wind. Cailen and William were the first to be dropped off, a promise of the boys coming over the next day being exchanged and then they were headed inside.

The house at least was back to a some-what normal state. There were still some boxes lined up along the wall but he presumed that was the stuff Eden had planned on getting rid of.

William and Cailen silently made their way to their rooms. William seeming tired from the night's events but Cailen was wide awake from his revelation.

"Cailen?" Eden called, her voice coming from his bedroom.

William gave him a puzzled look but Cailen just shrugged him off and promised to let him in on whatever Eden wanted tomorrow. William seemed too tired to argue.

"G'night," William mumbled and then he was shuffling into his own bedroom.

Cailen made his way into his room, surprised to see both Eden and Dean sitting on his bed. Eden's face was wet, like she had been crying and Dean's face showed his nerves.

What happened?

"What's going on?" Cailen asked.

Eden patted the spot beside her on the bed, signaling for him to take a seat, so he did.

"Cai, honey, you know we love you, right?" Eden asked.

Cailen swallowed, suddenly not having the greatest feeling about this.

"Yeah…" Cailen answered cautiously.

Eden and Dean both shared a look before Eden reached inside of her sweater and pulled out an envelope.

The envelope looked old and worn with nothing written on the outside and it shook as Eden handed it to him, her own hands causing the shaking.

"What is this?" Cailen asked as he accepted the envelope, turning it over to double check that there was no writing.

"It's a letter, baby," Eden said, her voice shaking. "The orphanage gave it to us when we adopted you," Eden explained.

Cailen looked up at the mention of the orphanage because they hardly ever talked about it.

"It's from your biological mother."