Chapter 44: XX. Daddy-1

"Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you." John Green, The Fault in Our Stars Chapter XX – Daddy "Sara!" Mom said emotionally, as she tried to close the gap between us. But I jumped up. "No, I need some time to think," I sniffed, before running for the front door and grabbing my purse as I did. I heard voices behind me, but I focused on trying to find my keys. I cried, and could barely see through my tears, as I fished through my bag to find them. But I couldn't find them amongst the junk that I hoarded. I cried in frustration as a wave of sobs hit me. I honestly didn't know what I was feeling. All I knew was that I was feeling. It was overwhelming and overstimulating, and I just wanted to cry and scream, and throw things. Shea's arms were around me then. Their sturdiness was comforting, and I tried to control my breathing as I leaned into him. I tried to match my breaths with his, which I found nearly impossible. I sobbed and hiccoughed and let out these uncontrollable wails as every pathetic emotion escaped out of me. "My dad is dead," I whispered, after standing in my driveway with Shea for I don't know how long. I honestly didn't think I'd ever said those words out loud. And I had certainly never felt them. Before today, my dad was honestly no more to me than a sperm donor. I knew nothing about the man. He had died and I didn't remember him. Mom hadn't let me remember anything about him. But I suddenly felt like I had lost him today. A father who loved me, who wanted me, and proudly showed me off to all his friends. A father who loved my mother, and he would only ever love her. Would I have called him Dad or Daddy? Mom called him my daddy, and that freaking hurt my gut. "Did you know?" I asked Shea, already knowing the answer. I felt him nod. "Not the whole story, but the gist, yeah," he confirmed quietly. "You couldn't hear that from me, though, Sara," he added softly. "That had to come from your mom." I knew he was right, but it didn't change how I felt. I didn't want to ask, but I knew that I needed to know. "Do you know how it happened? How he died?" "The conflict your mom was talking about, with the Alpha named Kurt?" he reminded me. "His name was Kurt Hale. His scouts attacked a member of our pack. They might have been drunk, or just plain stupid, but it started an all-out war. It was violent, my dad told me, and messy, and plain dangerous. He told me your dad wanted to settle things, just him and Kurt. They were alone, and they killed each other." I flinched at his words, and Shea's grip on me tightened. "It didn't end there. It hasn't ended. Kurt's son, well, you've met him." Lex, I realised. "That is why he is so dangerous. He's out for blood. Cold-blooded revenge. Lex knows who you are, and I'm afraid he's … that's why I wanted to keep you away from it all. I thought if you were completely oblivious, and Lex could see that, then he would keep taking his fury out of me, and not you." My father and Lex's father killed each other. It just didn't seem like a real thing that could happen. Like a goddamn duel that happened in the Old West where everybody just watched on the street. That was not justice. That wasn't okay. They couldn't be a law unto themselves. Deaths went unanswered for. Deaths happened unnecessarily. My dad was dead, and he didn't have to be. "Why would your pack let that happen?" I asked Shea, my voice still uncontrollably emotional from crying. "That's just barbaric. It's still barbaric. Where is the law in this?" What if Shea and Lex did the same thing? Oh my God. What if Shea and Lex did the same thing? Before Shea could even answer me, I latched onto the front of his shirt, holding the fabric in my fists. "Don't you dare fight him alone like that," I ordered. "Maybe some humans are fickle, I don't know," I cried. The jury was still out on my mom. "But I know I'm not. If you died, Shea …" my voice cracked. "Hey," Shea said soothingly. "I've got no plans to go anywhere, okay?" he assured me, pressing his lips to my forehead. "I've waited a long time to love you, Sara. God knows I'm not going anywhere." I cried. I cried because I didn't know what else to do. Maybe my body was shutting down. Maybe I didn't know how to process complex emotions. Maybe I just couldn't handle finding out my boyfriend, and my father, were of a different species, and that my mom knew, and my dad died, and Shea loved me, all in one day. "Come on. I want to show you something." Shea took my hand. We walked together past my Jeep, and towards his truck. I wiped my face with my sleeve. Shea fished his keys out of his pocket and he unlocked it, opening my door for me. I climbed inside and tried to breathe calmly, inhaling the comforting scent of Shea's cologne. The driver's side door opened, and Shea climbed inside, before firing up the engine. I quickly realised that he was taking me towards his house, as we were headed out of town. Shea tried to distract me as we drove. He tried to keep the conversation light-hearted, answering my curious questions, rather than letting me dwell on the painful ones. I was grateful for the change of topic. "The tattoos," I asked. "Is that a lycan thing?" There were just too many people with tattoos, the same kind of tattoos, for it just to be a coincidence. "I know you don't have one, but a lot of people do." "Uh, yeah," Shea laughed awkwardly. "The tattoos are a lycan thing," he confirmed. "Why don't you have one?" I asked curiously. "Um," he trailed off. Shea seemed a little embarrassed. It amused me a bit. It felt good to be amused and not overwhelmed. "We don't really understand the tattoos. They just happen. Although with us being able to manipulate our DNA, I suppose we are able to manipulate our skin as well. I don't know. We don't exactly have a pack geneticist to explain these things to us. We don't really call them tattoos, anyway. We call them marks." "Marks?" I repeated. "Yes. To humans, they look like tattoos, which is a good cover, but to other lycans, they basically just say, back off, this one is taken." I thought of how many tattoos I had seen at Zoey's party that night. All of them were taken, they had mates. I glanced sideways at Shea and wondered why he didn't have one. I mean … I was his mate, right? I had to admit, seeing my name on his chest would be a little bit romantic. "I can see you looking at me. Enhanced senses, remember?" Shea reminded me. "Well, why don't you have one yet?" I bit the bullet, asking him. "Does it not work if I'm not a lycan?" Shea chuckled. "No, it works either way. I'll get one. You won't. Though, I am a little bit disappointed at that fact, I have to admit." That didn't answer my question. "Do you have to go to a special tattoo artist or something?" I pressed. "No, like I said, they're naturally occurring," he replied. He kept his eyes firmly on the road, and I noticed him tense a little. What wasn't he telling me? "Yeah, but howdo they naturally occur?" "Hey, look at that, we're here," Shea remarked, sounding relieved as his house came into view. I huffed. I would get it out of him eventually. Shea and I climbed down from his truck and walked up to the front door of his house. I wondered if his mom was home. I hoped I would be able to find a mirror before I met her. I probably looked like a complete mess. I was still hungover from last night, and I had been crying like crazy. Shea used a key on his keyring to let us into his house. We were immediately met by a mirror in their small entryway. It hung above a buffet table that housed a collection of family photographs. I smiled when I saw pictures of Shea and Cece when they were younger. They were pictured with who I could only assume were their parents. Shea's mom looked young, and cheerful. And his dad looked strong, noble and protective. Shea looked exactly like his dad. Same olive toned skin. Same russet brown hair. Same dark eyes. He would still be handsome even when he was older.