Chapter 18: VIII. Confessions-2

I wasn't hungry anymore. Instead, I just wanted to go upstairs to bed. I changed into my comfortable, old pyjamas and climbed in beside Shea, who was waiting for me with open arms. As terrible as I felt, his embrace was truly comforting to me. With his spare arm, Shea opened up my Netflix on my laptop and chose a light-hearted sitcom in an effort to cheer me up. Instead, I watched the little clock in the corner of the screen, waiting for my mom to come back home as it got later and later. At quarter past eleven I heard the front door open. Shea was dozing off beside me, but was quickly alert when he heard the noise, too. "Hide!" I hissed, slamming my laptop closed and throwing back my blankets. Shea leapt out of my bed and dashed into the closet, closing the door on himself. I quickly smoothed over his side of the bed so it looked like I had been the only person in here. No sooner had I done that, I heard my mom's footsteps approach my door. Mom opened my door quietly, in the same manner that she did when she thought I was asleep. Mom had always checked on me before she went to bed, ever since I was a baby. Being a doctor, she was well aware of all sorts of scary things that could happen to babies in their cribs. She had never broken the habit. When she saw that I was awake, she opened my door fully and came inside. Mom's eyes were red and swollen, like mine were. She had been crying. Mom came and sat down on the edge of my bed. I pushed my laptop away to give her room. "I know how you're feeling, honey," Mom told me quietly. "It's exciting and confusing and altogether a little nuts." Well … yeah. That was it exactly. Mom touched my cheek affectionately and exhaled. She looked so sad. To see her like this, in a way I'd never seen her before, was just heartbreaking. "One day, in the very far off future, you will have your own daughter, and you'll understand what it's like to love someone more than your own life. Every decision I have ever made for you, and for us, has been to protect you." "I know, Mom," I told her. She smiled. "No, you don't. And that's okay." She exhaled again. "I went for a drive to organise my thoughts. I know that I can't keep you away from Shea. I know that's impossible now. But I have decided that I have rules." Rules. I could deal with rules. Rules were better than her blanket banning him from my life. "Shea is not to be in this house when I am not here," Mom said firmly. "I understand that I work late, but if he wants to come over, it can be for dinner or something when I am home." I knew immediately we would be breaking that one. I understood the purpose for that rule, but I was perfectly capable of protecting my own virtue. "Okay," I nodded. Mom smiled. She was glad I accepted that one. "Okay, next," she paused awkwardly. "I want you on birth control." My face dropped and again I felt the type of humiliation that made me went to crawl underneath my covers and never come back out again. Why did Shea have to hear all this? "But Mom," I started to protest, but she held her finger up. "No buts," she retorted. "I'm not stupid. I know what happens when you're young and in love. It is by no means a free pass, or my permission, but I would rather protect you than live in denial." Thank God Shea couldn't see me right now. My cheeks were burning. "Fine," I whispered. "Curfew. You've never had one before because you haven't needed it. But I want you home by ten-thirty every night. No exceptions or you're grounded." Curfew. Okay, that was an easier conversation than birth control with my mother while my almost-boyfriend was hiding in the closet. "Okay, that's fine." Mom nodded. "Okay, good. My last rule is the most important one." More important than birth control? "You are going to a four-year college after high school," she said firmly. I frowned. I knew that. She could see my confusion. "If the best school you get into is across the country, then you'll go there," she continued. "You are not to jeopardise your future over a boy, do you understand?" "Mom, we've only known each other for four days," I said quietly. College was important to me, and it was probably even more important to my mom. She had a baby while trying to get through college and med school. She wanted my life to be easier than hers. I think that's what any good parent wanted for their kids. "Promise me, Sara," Mom insisted. I didn't know what was going to happen with Shea. Like I said, it had only been four days. We weren't even official or anything. It was hard to imagine that a year from now, when I was filling out applications and choosing schools, that I would be basing my choices on a relationship. Be it God, or the fates, or damned destiny that had a hand in whatever I was experiencing with Shea, if I chose to go to college in Timbuktu, then it shouldn't matter. "Okay, Mom," I agreed. She was satisfied with my answer. She touched my cheek again and then stood up from my bed. "I just want you to know you have power in a relationship, Sara. You can choose to do whatever you want. To leave, if you want. You're not tied. It's not permanent. You don't have a tattoo." I understood where she was coming from, but what a weird direction to take that in. Okay, yes, I didn't have a tattoo. I probably wouldn't get one anytime soon. My pain tolerance was pathetic, anyway. I then thought of the awesome white line tattoo of Jamie's name on Cece's chest. I guess that was pretty permanent. They wouldn't want to break up. "I love you, Sara." Mom leaned over and kissed my forehead. "More than you could ever comprehend." I exhaled. "I love you, too, Mom." Mom left my bedroom and closed my door. Shea didn't leave my closet until we heard her bedroom door shut. Shea sat down on the bed next to me in silence. We both didn't have anything to say for a moment. That was a lot to take in and process. "Hey Mom, meet Shea. Nice to meet you, Shea. I'm Amanda. Welcome to our home. How was school today?" I murmured, mimicking the conversation that I hoped might happen, even in the slightest chance. "Look, if I've learned anything over the past few years, it's that parents who give a crap are good parents," Shea said plainly, "even if what they want pisses you off."